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Excluding my son - please help

Denver Mama's picture

So my nightmare 18 yo step daughters bday is today. My husband took her to breakfast and wants to take the kids to take her for breakfast on Saturday.  

My 10 yr old who grew up with her (I've been with my husband for 9 years, my husband has adopted him and he's the only dad my son has ever known) misses her like crazy. My 2 yr old wouldn't know who she was if he saw her, and my baby obviously wouldn't as well. She has not been around for over a year. 

When my husband took her to lunch with my 2 boys a few mos ago he said she asked to see them. I found out after that she only asked to see her little brother and the baby who I didn't let go as she was like 1 week old. I didn't want any of the kids to go, she has said so and done so many horrible things to disrespect me but I know how bad my 10 yr old missed her. I'm sure my husband lied that she wanted to see both of them that make her seem less selfish.

I am so upset that he wants to take my kids to breakfast with her. Someone in my other post made the point that if we were to divorce he could not only take them to visit her but have her babysit them etc so as upset as I am (and I am very upset) I feel like I can't do anything about it. 

I checked his phone and sure enough she specifically asked him to bring the baby and 2 yr old and I am so mad I want to scream. Her only reason for excluding my son, the only one who knows and loves her, has to be because he's my son. Do I let him go and risk her being rude to him again? She was rude to him the last time and it broke his heart. He misses her so much he is excited to go. But I know that he was specifically not invited I just want to protect his feelings at this point. I want to say none of them are allowed to go but do I have that right? 

I have been crying for 2 days because I am mad and sad and hurt and angry. I just got over being sad and here it goes again. This is my life and right now I am hating her for wanting to exclude her brother who loves her like crazy.


lemonlime's picture

Ok wait, I’m lost. So you have 3 kids with your husband, a 10 yr old, 2 yr, old and a baby? She basically grew up with the 10yr old and for this breakfast date she doesn’t want 10 yr old to come? Only 2 yr old and baby? 

I personally would not let any of them go. There would be no way to explain to 10 year old why he wasn’t the only one going.

 Maybe say to them “Let’s let daddy have a ‘daddy-daughter’ date today. 

Denver Mama's picture

Was adopted by my husband she was 9 so she knows he's not her blood brother. But they grew up since she was 9 together and he loves her to death.

Any advice on how to tell my husband I am not letting them go? He is adamant that I can't stop him from taking them. I am so mad I'm having a hard time being logical and not just screaming over my dead body which is what I want to do. 

NotSoStepStepmom's picture

I am so sorry. That is so messed up! Sad

I don't understand why she's being so cold towards a little boy. I was thinking that she might see him as an "annoying little brother," but she's never even around for him to annoy her!

I wouldn't let any of the kids go. Don't allow her to hurt your older son's feelings. Like you said, the two little ones don't even know her. She's insignificant to them at this point. I would tell your DH to have a Father-Daughter Day and find something for you and your three kids to do during that timeframe!

STaround's picture

Not certain why you think only MOM has the right to make these decisions.   

I am guessing that the root of this problem is that even though her dad adopted the older kid, she does not accept him as a brother, and may even resent the adoption.   If her dad is willing to put up with this, not much can be done

NotSoStepStepmom's picture

I don't think that it's "only the mom's decision." The dad should be onboard and agree with it, too! I feel that protecting a ten year old little boy's feelings is more important in this situation than fulfilling the request of a snotty eighteen year old.

Yeah, she may not "accept him as a brother," but as excited as the poor kid is to see her (even after she was rude to him last time) is heartbreaking. If she can't be nice to a ten year old who loves her for an hour during a meal... there are much bigger issues than whether or not her father brings along two toddlers that barely know her.

susanm's picture

I get that you are mad.  You have every right to be.  Unfortunately, this is a DH problem.  Not an SD problem.  The issue is him telling you that he is going to do what he wants regardless of your feelings.  They are his children and playing tug of war with them is not helpful.  

I would try one more time to sit down and talk reasonably and calmly to him.  If he refuses to see reason then I would let him know that he is setting a dangerous precedent here.  He is intenitionally excuding a child he legally adopted as his own to please another in direct contradiction of the other parent's wishes.  If he REALLY wants to establish that neither parent has to consider the desires of the other regarding the children then he can do so but he should give great thought to whether making his daughter happy with the faces around a breakfast table is worth it.  There will be many far more important issues in the future and he has now established that you can do as you please without his consent, just as he can without yours.  Not a good situation.

lieutenant_dad's picture

I'd tell your husband that HE gets to explain to HIS SON why HIS DAUGHTER doesn't want him to go, and that HE can deal with the emotional fallout of either her being rude or nit taking him.

Then I would disappear for the day. He has all his kids. He can handle 24 hours without you there for backup. Maybe when he has to deal with this, he'll deal with it more tactfully than he has before.

He adopted your son which also comes with the responsibility of caring for his emotional wellbeing. Your DH has 4 kids he needs to manage, so make him manage it.

tog redux's picture

Great, another wimpy father. Why can't he tell SD that the 10 yo is his son and her brother, too and that it hurts his feelings to exclude him, therefore he won't be bringing any of the other children if she can't be nice to the 10 yo.

I don't think it's just your decision, as they are his kids, too - but I'd totally have it out with him. Your 10 yo probably already feels different than his brothers and sister because he was adopted and she's old enough to understand that.  Plus he likes her.

Grrr - how do these men make so many kids without any balls?!

ETA: You crying for two days about it seems like a bit of an overreaction, though, IMO.  Perhaps depression? Or do you just need to get angry instead of sad and give it to DH with both barrels? He's allowing this behavior from SD.

Curious Georgetta's picture

However your 10 year old son is old enough to tell his father if or when  he does not wish to go to an event.

Most 10 year olds are less than hesitant about expressing their 

Likes and dislikes about most situations.

Your husband is correct on that he has a right to take his kids to spend time with his daughter; just as you have a right to take them to visit your family members.

If indeed your son does not want to go on this outing, he is old enough to tell  his father without your prompting. And nothing that you have said suggest that he does not wish to go.

Your husband is not attempting to force any interactions between you and his daughter. Thus, he is respecting both of your rights and wishes not to spend time together.

As for the kids, they are all of his children and  he has every right to spend time with all of them together.

Let the relationship between the 10 year old and the 18 year old evolve or   devolve on its own without your interference.

If you and this man were to separate or divorce , you would have no control or input as to when or how often he chose to have his children together.

Obviously your son has had some kind of positive  interactions with the daughter enough so that he does not seem off put by going to lunch with her. 


juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

I hate to agree here, but I agree. You'll have to be much more strategic if you want your way here.






shamds's picture

Who they will meet of their family or parents family and exclude members as a manipulative tactic.

sd in this case is in imaginary fairy land not accepting daddy has moved on. She is perfectly capable of sitting an hour or 2 to meet her siblings and stepmum...

most parents would be upset and offended of a kid doing this to them. Its no different than a kid inviting daddy to a wedding but refusing to invite their spouse and half siblings or better still shunning stepparent at wedding to sit away from their spouse...

but when you’re dysfunctional and lack manners and etiquette, stuff like this seems perfectly acceptable. Any parent williNg to condone the behaviour op sd is doing their kids a disservice and needs to grow a pair

ExcellenceToolkit's picture

Can you exclude SD from events? I've started excluding SD and it feels great. I would not let my children around that demon child. Tell DH sorry but the little ones are not allowed to go. If she wants to see your babies she comes to visit them under your supervision. 

shellpell's picture

I also would not let my babies go spend time with somekne hateful and exclusionary. Like a PP wrote above, this sets a precedent where princess calls the shots and decides who is worthy enough to be around her. Your kids will wonder why isn't brother here? Why isn't mom here? sD will create her own family with your kids. And yes they are his kids too, but allowing the  use of babies and toddlers as a weapon (which is what sd is doing - trying to stick it to you using your kids) is wrong and you shouldn't put up with that. Shame on your husband for allowing that and not being a united front with his wife.


ETA: just read on your previous posts that this is the bank fraud sd and your husband has been sneaky and dishonest with you about many things. I think you need more than a Come to Jesus sit down with him. He doesn't give a crap about your feelings. Either marriage counseling or a lawyer. I'm sorry.

hereiam's picture

If her dad is willing to put up with this, not much can be done

Yes, and WHY does your husband allow her to treat the 10 year old rudely?

Your DH has 4 kids he needs to manage, so make him manage it.

Absolutely this. Put it right in his lap.

ESMOD's picture

I think you should have a convo with your husband.  Hey.. the last time OS went, I think he got his feelings hurt a little bit.  Can you watch out for him this time a little.

I mean, who knows.. maybe the 9/10 yo boy was acting like a turd that day.. or trying to act up and get her attention.. and she got aggravated?  It's been a while since that lunch.  

but putting your husband on notice that one of his kids got their feelings hurt and that you expect him to see that not happen again is reasonable.

shamds's picture

i have toddlers aged 2.5 & almost 4, they have not seen sd23.5 & 14.5 in over a year now (of sd’s own choosing), have barely no relationship with my ss (all skids are their half siblings), any meet outs they are disrespectful, inconsiderate, rude, do not respect boundaries etc.

whilst some can claim they are entitled to meet their half siblings because they are blood related, the issue is the eldest skid(s) do not act like siblings one bit.

they don’t get to pick and choose when they wanna be sister or brother of the year for show then eff off for another year and play this hot & cold game... when it comes to minor kids, as a parent you need to have their back... what happens if they get attached then cry etc.

my son when we first met sd’s, hubby placed our then 1 yr old on sd’s to hold. He cried instantly and was squirming and in distress. He wanted nothing to do with them because they are strangers including their half brother.

my son also has severe food allergies, sd’s even in front of their dad said they would do whatever they wanted and feed my kids whatever even when I strictly said no

hubbys exwife is batshit crazy, threatening to have daughters go to police/military academy so they could gun hubby down. Her family are psychos and sd’s have excused and justified their mums behaviour

even hubby doesn’t feel comfortable and understands my concerns with his kids.

hubby told them they could come to our home anytime after their 5th meeting out (late last year), its been 1 year now and they refused. Hubby told them that they needed to make the effort to visit too and it wasn’t fair all of us going to meet up... 

my hubby doesn’t agree with meeting separately his kids vs our kids because to him we are all family... 

last yr someone posted here how their adult sd demanded their dad bring an infant (under a yr old) alone that they didn’t want stepmum to come because they refuse to acknowledge daddy hd remarried. For me thats a tough shit to sd and a hill i would die on... you basically will hurt your own kids seeing how a half sibling treats their parent like shit and then deal with the aftermath

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

I don't know, I don't want to say it's impossible to separate these kids, but it's difficult.

I've successfully done it, and I lived with SD at the time. SD6 is totally out of control, made me get rid of my dog because of her abuse to it, and tried being dangerous with my daughter. I had to threaten my wife with a call to CPS and to her ex's custody lawyer, but I did end up creating a divide to protect my own. SD6 doesn't even go as far as to acknowledge my infant daughter in my presence anymore. We lived totally separate lives under the same roof. (My daughter and me, my wife's daughter and her.) Eventually, my wife got violent with me, and it greenlighted me to get with a lawyer to arrange full custody, which is pending. Unless you're willing to go that far, and threaten that far, it won't work. And you won't be able to maintain a marriage like this either.

shellpell's picture

This is a hateful ADULT we are talking about here. Who knows what kind of poison she is or wants to pour into op's kids' ears to try to turn them against her? Her husband is an ass for letting this occur under his watch, triangulating with sd against op. He should have laid down the law with her about the disrespect and hate, said we are a family, you don't disrespect my wife or exclude my son. He is letting this grow instead of shutting it down like he should have years ago.

NotSoStepStepmom's picture

This is spot on! He should remind the snotty SD that he has a DW and three other kids. She can't just pick and choose who she wants to deal with. Why give her that much power?

shamds's picture

by saying sd has every right to meet daddy and her half siblings alone and not the stepmum, that she must be shunned as its her right.

she can demand all she wants, but you don’t have to comply. The only reason why she doesn’t want stepmum there is a purely manipulative tactic and push dad to  ditch the stepmum and drive a wedge and use the kids.

a smart parent would see through this bs... heck 1 meet up alone of my hubby with skids and he saw througu it and told them that they sabotaged their own future because their stepmum (me) was the one who would control his estate and disburse everything as he willed and them being self centred, rude and disrespectful would do them no help in the long run. Skids don’t think long term or understand the consequences of their actions and haven’t understood that when you’re a little shit, nobody is gonna feel sorry and help you in your time of need.

Curious Georgetta's picture

2 older brothers. Clearly, he and not  the daughter decided who he was bringing with him.

There is no evidence that he allowed the daughter to make any decision about whom he was taking to the luncheon.

The OP gives no indication that the 10 year old has said to either parent that he does not wish to go to lunch with his older sister. Many siblings recognize that their siblings can at times  act like jerks. Rarely does that recognition come as a shock or a traumatic revelation to a sibling. Actually, many children, realize that even their parents can at times act like jerks. These are rarely life changing revelations.

It is the OP who is chosing to try and use the younger children as possessions and instruments for purposes of teaching both her husband and stepdaughter a lesson.

That is a shameful use of children.

No where is it written that both parents need to be present for children to take part in an event.

Likely none of these children would give a second thought to where or what mommy was doing while they were out having  fun with dad.

Not one person on this forum would suggest that the OP needed her husband's permission to take her children to any event.

The husband is not requiring or even asking the OP to visit with or interact with his daughter. He is simply spending time with all of his children together.






shellpell's picture

Yes, so very shameful that she wants to protect her baby and toddler from an adult who hates her and who is the one using the kids and excluding one to get back at OP. Read her other posts about what this lovely young lady has done for years now. Read the history of this "child" who is a real piece of work. But you know what it's like to be a piece of work and excluding the facts from your inane responses.

bananaseedo's picture

I say let them go.  Dad made the decision to take the 10yr old.  The text doesn't say "I don't want 10yo to come" she simply said bring the younger two- maybe she 'assumed' the 10yr old would be there like last itme but wanted to ensure to meet the little one as well as see the youngest again.  

Lollybobs's picture

Maybe she's deliberately excluding the 10 yr old as a way to get at you OP? If she hurts him, she's hurt you. Just a thought. Personally I wouldn't let any of them go.