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Excluding my son - please help

Denver Mama's picture

So my nightmare 18 yo step daughters bday is today. My husband took her to breakfast and wants to take the kids to take her for breakfast on Saturday.  

My 10 yr old who grew up with her (I've been with my husband for 9 years, my husband has adopted him and he's the only dad my son has ever known) misses her like crazy. My 2 yr old wouldn't know who she was if he saw her, and my baby obviously wouldn't as well. She has not been around for over a year. 

When my husband took her to lunch with my 2 boys a few mos ago he said she asked to see them. I found out after that she only asked to see her little brother and the baby who I didn't let go as she was like 1 week old. I didn't want any of the kids to go, she has said so and done so many horrible things to disrespect me but I know how bad my 10 yr old missed her. I'm sure my husband lied that she wanted to see both of them that make her seem less selfish.

I am so upset that he wants to take my kids to breakfast with her. Someone in my other post made the point that if we were to divorce he could not only take them to visit her but have her babysit them etc so as upset as I am (and I am very upset) I feel like I can't do anything about it. 

I checked his phone and sure enough she specifically asked him to bring the baby and 2 yr old and I am so mad I want to scream. Her only reason for excluding my son, the only one who knows and loves her, has to be because he's my son. Do I let him go and risk her being rude to him again? She was rude to him the last time and it broke his heart. He misses her so much he is excited to go. But I know that he was specifically not invited I just want to protect his feelings at this point. I want to say none of them are allowed to go but do I have that right? 

I have been crying for 2 days because I am mad and sad and hurt and angry. I just got over being sad and here it goes again. This is my life and right now I am hating her for wanting to exclude her brother who loves her like crazy.
 

 

lemonlime's picture

Ok wait, I’m lost. So you have 3 kids with your husband, a 10 yr old, 2 yr, old and a baby? She basically grew up with the 10yr old and for this breakfast date she doesn’t want 10 yr old to come? Only 2 yr old and baby? 

I personally would not let any of them go. There would be no way to explain to 10 year old why he wasn’t the only one going.

 Maybe say to them “Let’s let daddy have a ‘daddy-daughter’ date today. 

Denver Mama's picture

Was adopted by my husband she was 9 so she knows he's not her blood brother. But they grew up since she was 9 together and he loves her to death.

Any advice on how to tell my husband I am not letting them go? He is adamant that I can't stop him from taking them. I am so mad I'm having a hard time being logical and not just screaming over my dead body which is what I want to do. 
 

susanm's picture

I get that you are mad.  You have every right to be.  Unfortunately, this is a DH problem.  Not an SD problem.  The issue is him telling you that he is going to do what he wants regardless of your feelings.  They are his children and playing tug of war with them is not helpful.  

I would try one more time to sit down and talk reasonably and calmly to him.  If he refuses to see reason then I would let him know that he is setting a dangerous precedent here.  He is intenitionally excuding a child he legally adopted as his own to please another in direct contradiction of the other parent's wishes.  If he REALLY wants to establish that neither parent has to consider the desires of the other regarding the children then he can do so but he should give great thought to whether making his daughter happy with the faces around a breakfast table is worth it.  There will be many far more important issues in the future and he has now established that you can do as you please without his consent, just as he can without yours.  Not a good situation.

lieutenant_dad's picture

I'd tell your husband that HE gets to explain to HIS SON why HIS DAUGHTER doesn't want him to go, and that HE can deal with the emotional fallout of either her being rude or nit taking him.

Then I would disappear for the day. He has all his kids. He can handle 24 hours without you there for backup. Maybe when he has to deal with this, he'll deal with it more tactfully than he has before.

He adopted your son which also comes with the responsibility of caring for his emotional wellbeing. Your DH has 4 kids he needs to manage, so make him manage it.

tog redux's picture

Great, another wimpy father. Why can't he tell SD that the 10 yo is his son and her brother, too and that it hurts his feelings to exclude him, therefore he won't be bringing any of the other children if she can't be nice to the 10 yo.

I don't think it's just your decision, as they are his kids, too - but I'd totally have it out with him. Your 10 yo probably already feels different than his brothers and sister because he was adopted and she's old enough to understand that.  Plus he likes her.

Grrr - how do these men make so many kids without any balls?!

ETA: You crying for two days about it seems like a bit of an overreaction, though, IMO.  Perhaps depression? Or do you just need to get angry instead of sad and give it to DH with both barrels? He's allowing this behavior from SD.

Curious Georgetta's picture

However your 10 year old son is old enough to tell his father if or when  he does not wish to go to an event.

Most 10 year olds are less than hesitant about expressing their 

Likes and dislikes about most situations.

Your husband is correct on that he has a right to take his kids to spend time with his daughter; just as you have a right to take them to visit your family members.

If indeed your son does not want to go on this outing, he is old enough to tell  his father without your prompting. And nothing that you have said suggest that he does not wish to go.

Your husband is not attempting to force any interactions between you and his daughter. Thus, he is respecting both of your rights and wishes not to spend time together.

As for the kids, they are all of his children and  he has every right to spend time with all of them together.

Let the relationship between the 10 year old and the 18 year old evolve or   devolve on its own without your interference.

If you and this man were to separate or divorce , you would have no control or input as to when or how often he chose to have his children together.

Obviously your son has had some kind of positive  interactions with the daughter enough so that he does not seem off put by going to lunch with her. 

 

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

I hate to agree here, but I agree. You'll have to be much more strategic if you want your way here.

 

 

 

 

 

shamds's picture

Who they will meet of their family or parents family and exclude members as a manipulative tactic.

sd in this case is in imaginary fairy land not accepting daddy has moved on. She is perfectly capable of sitting an hour or 2 to meet her siblings and stepmum...

most parents would be upset and offended of a kid doing this to them. Its no different than a kid inviting daddy to a wedding but refusing to invite their spouse and half siblings or better still shunning stepparent at wedding to sit away from their spouse...

but when you’re dysfunctional and lack manners and etiquette, stuff like this seems perfectly acceptable. Any parent williNg to condone the behaviour op sd is doing their kids a disservice and needs to grow a pair

hereiam's picture

If her dad is willing to put up with this, not much can be done

Yes, and WHY does your husband allow her to treat the 10 year old rudely?

Your DH has 4 kids he needs to manage, so make him manage it.

Absolutely this. Put it right in his lap.

ESMOD's picture

I think you should have a convo with your husband.  Hey.. the last time OS went, I think he got his feelings hurt a little bit.  Can you watch out for him this time a little.

I mean, who knows.. maybe the 9/10 yo boy was acting like a turd that day.. or trying to act up and get her attention.. and she got aggravated?  It's been a while since that lunch.  

but putting your husband on notice that one of his kids got their feelings hurt and that you expect him to see that not happen again is reasonable.

shamds's picture

i have toddlers aged 2.5 & almost 4, they have not seen sd23.5 & 14.5 in over a year now (of sd’s own choosing), have barely no relationship with my ss (all skids are their half siblings), any meet outs they are disrespectful, inconsiderate, rude, do not respect boundaries etc.

whilst some can claim they are entitled to meet their half siblings because they are blood related, the issue is the eldest skid(s) do not act like siblings one bit.

they don’t get to pick and choose when they wanna be sister or brother of the year for show then eff off for another year and play this hot & cold game... when it comes to minor kids, as a parent you need to have their back... what happens if they get attached then cry etc.

my son when we first met sd’s, hubby placed our then 1 yr old on sd’s to hold. He cried instantly and was squirming and in distress. He wanted nothing to do with them because they are strangers including their half brother.

my son also has severe food allergies, sd’s even in front of their dad said they would do whatever they wanted and feed my kids whatever even when I strictly said no

hubbys exwife is batshit crazy, threatening to have daughters go to police/military academy so they could gun hubby down. Her family are psychos and sd’s have excused and justified their mums behaviour

even hubby doesn’t feel comfortable and understands my concerns with his kids.

hubby told them they could come to our home anytime after their 5th meeting out (late last year), its been 1 year now and they refused. Hubby told them that they needed to make the effort to visit too and it wasn’t fair all of us going to meet up... 

my hubby doesn’t agree with meeting separately his kids vs our kids because to him we are all family... 

last yr someone posted here how their adult sd demanded their dad bring an infant (under a yr old) alone that they didn’t want stepmum to come because they refuse to acknowledge daddy hd remarried. For me thats a tough shit to sd and a hill i would die on... you basically will hurt your own kids seeing how a half sibling treats their parent like shit and then deal with the aftermath

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

I don't know, I don't want to say it's impossible to separate these kids, but it's difficult.

I've successfully done it, and I lived with SD at the time. SD6 is totally out of control, made me get rid of my dog because of her abuse to it, and tried being dangerous with my daughter. I had to threaten my wife with a call to CPS and to her ex's custody lawyer, but I did end up creating a divide to protect my own. SD6 doesn't even go as far as to acknowledge my infant daughter in my presence anymore. We lived totally separate lives under the same roof. (My daughter and me, my wife's daughter and her.) Eventually, my wife got violent with me, and it greenlighted me to get with a lawyer to arrange full custody, which is pending. Unless you're willing to go that far, and threaten that far, it won't work. And you won't be able to maintain a marriage like this either.

shellpell's picture

This is a hateful ADULT we are talking about here. Who knows what kind of poison she is or wants to pour into op's kids' ears to try to turn them against her? Her husband is an ass for letting this occur under his watch, triangulating with sd against op. He should have laid down the law with her about the disrespect and hate, said we are a family, you don't disrespect my wife or exclude my son. He is letting this grow instead of shutting it down like he should have years ago.

bananaseedo's picture

I say let them go.  Dad made the decision to take the 10yr old.  The text doesn't say "I don't want 10yo to come" she simply said bring the younger two- maybe she 'assumed' the 10yr old would be there like last itme but wanted to ensure to meet the little one as well as see the youngest again.  

Lollybobs's picture

Maybe she's deliberately excluding the 10 yr old as a way to get at you OP? If she hurts him, she's hurt you. Just a thought. Personally I wouldn't let any of them go.