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Ex wife from hell!

dash's picture

Hi all. Wondered if anyone had experienced issues with ex wives and found a way forward. Bit complicated background....I was divorced after 14 yr marriage, couple of kids, on my own all ok. Met and married a man I had worked with a few yrs...we are well matched and in love. Been married year and a half,kids love him also. He is a very emotional kinda guy. His past is messy...talk about baggage....ex wife and 2 kids (Lovely kids who get on well with me and my kids when together) and was also engaged to a girl who got pregnant (though he didn't want a child then as they were not getting on). All was ok til we married...both women kicked off wanting more money, difficulty in seeing his kids. (He has chosen not to see the baby of the 2nd relationship as had seen the difficulty the girl gave her ex husband) but he pays for all the kids and spousal to his ex wife. He owns a company so they see him as a bank but, after what we pay out to them, we can't even buy a house yet so are still renting my 3 bed house. With my kids there is no room to have his over for weekends so we have asked for contact a night after school for him to have time alone with them and either Saturday or Sunday, whichever is convenient for her. She is now refusing ALL contact unless she wants to go somewhere. We ask every week and get no then suddenly get a text to have them in half an hour or on a Tuesday night cos she wants to go out. We are now declining to be used in this way and have applied to court for a proper contact order but the first appt is in March and we have only seen them 4 times in a year! Her texting and phone calls are unpleasant...she uses the children to ring and ask for a day she wants(we can hear her int he background coaching) and then, if we say no, she rings my father in law. Last time we had them his daughter was upset cos she saw her mum having sex with her new bloke and had to pick condoms up off the floor. It is disturbing to hear how this affects his children..I hate to see kids used in this way. The ex gf applied to the CSA even though he was providing a car he paid for monthly for her and child maintenance to the tune of nearly £700. The CSA assessed her at £230 so the car was removed and payments now go via CSA. The ex wife gets payments via a court order which have never changed even though he had another child and now effectively 2 step children so we asked CSA to assess. They did and we are paying as per CSA caluclations. Ex wife also applied to CSA for assessment. Ex wife also took him to court and magistrate said he had to pay as per court order (£200 more per mth than CSA assessment arrears £2500) as CSA hasn't taken jurisdiction. CSA had but magistrate wouldnt listen. This now in hands of solicitors who will sort it out we are sure and are appealing against the decision but this will cost thousands in solicitors bills. Thing is that all this is destroyign our relationship...the stress of it all has taken its toll. He is depressed as he is a great father and yet cannot see his kids. Any contact with her is soul destroying as she is so unpleasant and accuses all sorts of stuff. When the smallest thing happens emotionally between us he loses it big time and has now become I would say verbally abusive. Example...Friday night at his works do...staff members gf trying to stir things chatting to him at bar. Right next to me so no issues but she then started mouthing at me on the dance floor infront of staff about my husband. I was cross with him for talking to her as she was trouble with a capital T. She was dragged off by the marketing mgr who told her in no uncertain terms to watch who she was talking to. Anyway a small thing and I was cross so just carried on the evening, dancing with staff etc., He sat in a chair throwing daggers, very nasty look on face, slammed a drink down all over me, stood over me shouting (very intimidating) and later in the room threw an electric tthbrush against the bathroom wall and shattered it. I was sat cowering on the toilet seat. He is so intimidating at these times. It has happened before....thrown a laptop, phone, slammed the odd door. Never hurt me but it is scary. We talked after and I said I cannot and will not take this but he feels that the stress of all this is what puts him on the edge and then the smallest thing and he loses it. He cried and is sorry afterwards and says he won't do it again but he always does. It doesnt happen often...he is a good man...loving...great with my kids....only once has he been sharp in words with my daughter but that upset her. They love him though. I am stuck between telling him I cannot take anymore of all the hassles with exes and his behaviour and remembering he is a good man and we do love each other. I have no ideas what to do. Any help or thoughts from anyone would be great. Sorry it's so long!!!! x

dash's picture

I think you hit the nail on the head....I'm not sure I WANT to deal with all this. My ex moved away, pays but doesn't want to see the kids so life is peaceful...why on earth I took all this on....but then they only kicked off after we were married.... he is taking a hard line with ex...court for contact etc., but maybe you have a point....when he loses it with me he is taking out on me what he should be taking out on her. I don't know what to do now. Have a phone counselling appt tomorrow morning...does yours get angry with you.....in a similar way to mine? Cheers for the reply. I am going mad here!

stepmom008's picture

Your assessment is right on, Crayon. I just had a similar talk with my BF who apparently lost his balls in the divorce (or she chipped away at them during the marriage until they were little black stubs that finally fell off once the divorce was final). Wilda's used to calling all the shots because he's let her, thinking that he's avoiding confrontation when in reality all it does is make it worse and give her more power. Now because I openly defied her (gasp!) she's attacking me and making me the problem. It's all about control. It's all about who they can manipualte to get their way. Boundaries MUST be set - unfortunately if that's not done early on, then you end up in my situation.

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".

dash's picture

I definately need him to take it out on her. They have been divorced 6 yrs but she has always wielded the contact as an axe to grind him with. He has only been able to have them when she says. I do not understand how he hasn't been for contact order b4. Why do these men only do it when their new partner says they have had enough!! A few yrs back...when she woouldn't let him see them at Xmas (he never has) the only way he could see them was having xmas dinner at hers...so he did!! big mistake...she learns she can control him via the kids. I am so pi:::: off with it now and he is away for a week with work...I am considering packing his bags right now...but I don't fancy divorce number 2!!!!

dash's picture

Why do we bother with men and relationships can someone tell me!!!!!! Am now considering whether I kill the ex wife....or poison him...either way would stop all the crap!! Smile