Ex Husband is invited to family events, but I am not
Just wondering if I am being too petty. I have been dating a woman for a little over 5 months. I am 58, married twice before and both have passed away. I have one son from first marriage and 3 'step' kids from second marriage. All were adults before we were married. New girlfriend is 51 with 2 daughters, 27 & 30. She has been divorced 12 years now. There has been 3 family events that they have gone out to dinner, had parties or what ever. (daughters birthday, her uncles birthday and her granddaughters birthday. Her ex husband has been invited to each of these and I have not been because its too 'awkward' for me to be there with him. I know, have met and get along with her whole family, I do things for them when ever I am asked, mow, clean up yards and help move. Babysit the grand daughter and make deliveries between them.
I am having a problem with this, that I can not go and enjoy the events with my girlfriend. She says its up to the family to invite me. The ex family (his brothers & sisters) stopped doing things together. Am I being too petty?
Ask her at what point in your
Ask her at what point in your relationship you will be allowed to participate in these family events. At 6 months? After you put a ring on her finger? When you get a marriage license? Never?
Honestly, it sounds to me like you are being used by the family but not welcomed into it. I wouldn't stand for that. No more helping them out unless you are included in gatherings. If it makes the SO mad, then move on. Life is too short.
I have not verified this with
I have not verified this with the family. When I made a comment about it in the past for her daughters birthday, I was told that the daughter had no problem in me going, just that she would not invite her dad to go because it would be too awkward.
She has told me that the Ex
She has told me that the Ex will probably be attending Thanksgiving, Christmas and all the other major holidays since his family doesnt do that anymore. So I asked if I would be attending and her answer was, she didnt know. She has never had the issue come up with the others she dated in the past 12 years. I am at the point now in just telling them that I can not help them anymore, but dont want to be that mean just yet. Yesterday was her grand daughters second birthday and it was an all day event that everyone attended except me. I tell her that I am hurt that I could not attend.
My family invited my ex hubby
My family invited my ex hubby to events all the time. It was a bitter divorce and I think it is very disrespectful of my family to invite ex to events and stressful on my new hubby. So, from now on when we are invited to my family's gatherings, I always ask if the ex is coming. If they say yes, I say "Thanks for the invite but I will have to decline if the ex is going to be there as it causes too much stress on me and my husband."
No bueno. The family has
No bueno. The family has their own relationship with you by virtue of all the chores and favors. Even if you weren't dating her, just a neighbor or something, you should be invited because of this familiarity.
Something is off like 3 day fish.
Tell your gf that to you a relationship is for sharing celebrations and holidays, what does it mean to her? If you are not to spend the holidays with her, should you get another date and spend them with that woman? You may find out a lot about your relationship if you ask these questions.
Bottom line. You are not being treated well. Find out if this is by accident or by design. If by accident, assert some standards. If that doesn't work, the relationship was already doomed from the start. If by design, see last sentence.
Well, the Facebook postings
Well, the Facebook postings of the grand daughters birthday clearly shows that not only family were invited to the event, but friends as well.
There you go. If this family
There you go.
If this family is unable to incorporate new people, why was your gf looking to date anyone at all? If awkwardness was such a deal breaker for them, why is that YOUR burden? You are a fully formed human being who has all the rights they do. Why are they allowed to take holidays away from YOU because THEY are somehow more important than you?
You are being cut from the herd for some reason. I would find out why by calling it into the open. A good sign would be if when you do your gf says something like -- "I never thought of it like that" or "I'm so used to tiptoeing around ex and his anger that I didn't realize how I was shortchanging myself--you're right! It's HIS problem!" or "This is scary for me because of xyz but I don't want to lose you and I'm sorry I hurt you, I sure didn't mean to. I'll tell them you'll be coming with me Sat."
A bad sign would be if she says something like, "Oh, you didn't do that much for them (gaslighting)" or "I can't believe you're being so demanding all the sudden! (gaslighting again)" or "You just don't understand! (hmmmmmm)" <-- {bad problem solving at best/manipulating at worst} or "What are you talking about? Of course get your own date for Christmas. Send your bill to my dad's house, he's been waiting for it" <-- (You are just the handyman and everyone knows it but you!)
From my understanding of the
From my understanding of the awkward, its not the ex that would feel awkward, its the 2 grown daughters having the feeling. At least its what I am being told.
Girlfriends Ex has not
Girlfriends Ex has not remarried or dated since the divorce. He has remained single for 12 years.
I am not sure of how long her past relationships lasted or when she was involved. I know a couple were out of state. She mentioned that all but one or 2 she isolated them from her family.
Your GF could start hosting
Your GF could start hosting her own events. If the skids attend, fine. If not, fine. Does she seriously expect you to be ok with her running off for holiday dinners and never celebrate them together?
I am hurt, I am upset about
I am hurt, I am upset about this. When my birthday came, I usually do things with my son, I asked him if it was ok to bring the girlfriend as he pays for everything and he had no issues with it.
I have no problem with the ex being there, but if I am excluded from the events because he is there, then I have a problem. We have been talking of a future together and I would like to be involved in the family, but this is starting to bother me. As I said, we have only dated 5 months, but as mentioned above, when does she or the family accept that I want to be there?
I just wanted to make sure I
I just wanted to make sure I wasnt being too petty about this or if I were pushing something that I should let go for a while.
No, not at all. Let's say
No, not at all. Let's say that loud and clear: You are NOT being "petty" and you most certainly should not let it go.
The fact that you even ask that makes me wonder if someone has already gaslighted you. As is sometimes pointed out here on ST, the early stages of a romance are about putting your best foot forward but the real self comes out at some point. For you, the real life aspect of your gf is flagging you down with a big red flag right this very minute. Tiptoeing around her daughters and expecting a romantic partner to simply suck it up is her real self. This board exists as a testament to the very real fact that the partner cannot simply "suck it up" forever. It will cause you emotional, mental, financial, and many logistical problems that just compound over time like a payday loan. One day you realize it is absolutely crushing you and it seems there is no way out.
It is much better to do the hard work of a relationship NOW, when love is still strong, YOU are still strong, and risks are low. Begin as you mean to go on. Stand tall and let it be known you are a person, too. You have needs and standards. If this woman cannot meet them, better to learn that now before you put the ring on it. Go find swimming in gratitude's posts for a man's tale of sucking it up for years for a woman he loves who comes with 2 adult children to whom she caters. See your own future there.
Your gf may very well be a great gal who is your perfect partner. Find out by giving her a chance to problem solve with you. It could go very well! If it doesn't, how long can you really be in a "relationship" where you are afraid to speak your own basic needs, needs that are taken for granted by every other couple in the universe?
BTW, I was 21 when my mother started dating the dad of one of my best high school friends! I never dreamed of telling her what to do vis a vis him. They had a relationship for the next 20 years until he died. He came to events or didn't, I assume as their schedules demanded. I know I certainly never expressed any preference to her about if he came or not. I had none! That is what is normal. Not eternal exile of the parent's partner.
In my experience, SOs
In my experience, SOs (significant other) do not invite you to family gatherings because:
1.) they are still married, but separated;
2.) they are still in love with their Ex and want to appear available;
3.) they are ashamed of you for some reason such as you are the wrong color or the wrong religion or run blue-color jobs instead of Donald Trump stuff, or drive a Ford instead of LEAF;
4.) SO is using you for something and doesn't want the family to know.
This is not about you. It's about your GF. She's got some issues that she is not sharing with you. (Which is unusual since most of us over-share.)
Sorry this is your reality. Start shopping for a better GF
I have told her that they
I have told her that they have been divorced 12 years and he still controls her actions. She said that it was not the case. But if I am not able to go to these parties or events because he is there and it might be awkward to some, then he still has that kind of control over her.
Smokescreen bullshit.
Smokescreen bullshit.
I agree with you Indigo.
I agree with you Indigo. Funny thing is that here we have a BF who is being treated this way after five months. BUT, I have seen several examples on these pages where steps- have been married to their spouses for years and are still treated this way at family events. Weddings in particular. Strong message being sent by multiple family members, sometimes including the spouse (DH or DW), that you are in the way. Sad.
Run Run Run If she can't put
Run Run Run
If she can't put her foot down and tell her family that you are important and that you are a part of her life then RUN. I get that your GF has had past history however, if she is already putting you on the back burner it won't get any better. I was with someone for 9 years and very close to his family and he was very close to my family I would never let my family just invite him without the person that I am dating. They need to let it go. There is a reason that they got divorced and her family needs to accept that.
I think there is something more going on here.
Maybe you are way more into
Maybe you are way more into her than she is into you? It's possible that you're simply Mr Right Now, and GF knows that.
If I wasn't inviting a BF to a family gathering at almost 6 months in, it would be because I was just biding my time and not actually serious about him.
That, or she's wanting to seem available to the ex.
DH's family does this except
DH's family does this except whenever BM is invited to an event then neither of us are invited since it would be "too awkward" to have DH and I there and unmarried BM. I think THEY and BM are being petty. We are all adults and should be able to be at the same event together. I really don't care too much and have no desire to attend kiddie parties but it would be nice for DH to have the option to go to his grands b-day parties. He hasn't been invited to one yet. Luckily DH doesn't care too much either, he's not big on baby parties and doesn't want to have to spend time with BM. We break out the scotch and have our own party!
If I were in your situation I'd make it known that while she's off at family events that you are uninvited to that you'll be off with your single guy friends doing single guy things.
Ive asked her about me going
Ive asked her about me going to events and such, was told that it will take time for the girls to accept me. How are the girls going to accept me if I can not go to these events? I read up on the gaslighting issue, never heard it before, but some of this and what Im being told is fitting. Never thought she would do that to me, but I am seeing it now. I will push for the invite next time. In the mean time I will be having a talk with her on my feelings about being excluded from these events.
Very glad to hear about your
Very glad to hear about your positive plan of action that you have formulated. You're going to be fine, you are showing you can really handle this. You're a catch. A lot of people never constructively move forward from their old patterns and you are showing you have the personal cajones to do so. Bravo.
Come back and tell us how it goes. We're all cheering for you.