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Ex-DH took his life

Redsonya's picture

Wow - I had mentioned that ex-DH and I were divorced, but I had let him come back and tried to work things out. Things were not working out (he went right back to drinking) and so he was going to move out. Two days before he was supposed to move out, he hung himself in my guest room. My 5-year old and I came home from Disneyland and I found him. Regardless of what issues we had, he was her dad (the only dad she has ever known) and I had alot of unresolved feelings for him.

His 19-year old daughter is next of kin. I was very helpful in providing her with info on where he had his belongings and packed up an entire trailer of his things and had it driven to her two weeks after he died. I had a memorial for him in my home and invited her and her brothers (even though they hadn't had a relationship with him for 2 years). I included their photos in his memorial video. Of course, everything I did was wrong in their eyes. They didn't like how I packed the trailer, it wasn't delivered the way they wanted, I didn't include things on the trailer that they wanted, etc, etc. I told them I had packed everything in sight and all of his things in the house. It was ALOT of work and during this time my grandmother also died - which I told them. Plus I had to keep things going at work and take care of a 5-year old who was having a very hard time with all of this.

I let his daughter know that I needed some time to go through all our boxes and storage areas. She came to my home in a huff and started walking around the yard picking up ladders and claiming things as her dads. I just let her have it all, but told her that she was not coming in my home to go through my things. She threatened to come back with a sheriff - she thought that a sheriff would force me to let her go through my garage and take what she wanted. I told her not to come back or call me anymore. She could give me a list of what she thought was missing and I would get back to her with it (if I could find it) in 60 days. The list she gave me was crazy. Half of it never existed and the other half were CDs, books, and a "lard can". None of it was worth anything and I don't have any of it (that I am aware of) so she showed up at my house with a Sheriff. I wasn't even home and she was told that the Sheriff couldn't let her in my house. So she tells me that she had a memorial and spread all his ashes (with BM, who he despised) and would "trade" me some ashes for my 5-year old if I gave her everything on her list. Things that do not exist. Sigh - I seriously may just take some ashes out of the fireplace, put it in a pretty box and spread those with my daughter to give her some closure. That way these sick, nasty people can get out of our lives.

K.C.'s picture

Wow I am so sorry to hear that! I hope your 5 year old is going to be ok!

Regarding his 19 year old daughter. She has no right to come into your home and doesn't everything have to be settled through probate first? I assume he didn't have a will?

tabby yabba do's picture

I'm sorry for both of your losses. ((hugs))

As far as the exSD19 goes, you gave her everything of exHs you believe you possessed. It sounds like your effort was heartfelt and sincere. ExSD19 is grieving in her own way, suicides can be more difficult to process than natural deaths I'm guessing, and she needs space and time to figure out her own grieving process. Until she does figure it out (if she ever does), I'd cease all contact with her (no FB, phone calls, texts, third party messages, etc.).

Take care of yourself and your DD5.

thebrokenrecordmachine's picture

Hi Redsonya,

I am so sorry for your loss.
I was wondering what happened to you...I remember reading your posts from a while ago and hoped things would have turned out differently for you-and I am sure that things will only get better from here out!
You seem like an incredible woman, raising your daughter by yourself and perhaps you have had a "tragic" past- I hope you can turn it into a positive, like writing a book.
I hope your daughter is doing well- that must have been traumatic.
I really hope things get better for you! I hope you are doing okay!
I also hope your ex skids, can leave you a lone and get the peace you deserve!

Jsmom's picture

Stop all contact. You have done everything you can. Do not feed into this with communication. You will not win. Do what is best for your child.

misSTEP's picture

I'm sorry that your child is hurt in this, as well as you.

As for the skid...What damn vultures. Entitlement city. Goes to show you that you can't EVER do anything right even when it is all on you to do.

christinen's picture

I am so sorry! It sounds like his 19yo is probably grieving in her own way but that does not give her the right to come into your home, be disrespectful, and go through your things. I agree with the others- I would stop contact with her and allow you and your 5yo time to grieve.

Orange County Ca's picture

So called cremated ashes are in fact ground up bones. Nothing resembling ashes although there are particles of dust. Don't sift the fireplace if she knows anything of this but otherwise its a good idea.

He was very disturbed to pick this spot to end his life but with luck the boy will remember less and less as each year passes. I'm not sure if I remember anything from that age but it really isn't a fair comparison.

Considering what his kids have done so far I would end any attempt to return any belongings unless you find something particularly personal such as a picture of his mother. They don't deserve any more ladders or what not that you may run across. Just keep the stuff or send it to charity.

Redsonya's picture

Thanks all. My first husband (my daughter's dad) died of cancer that he was diagnosed with when I was 3 months pregnant. He died two months later. Then this - I just can't take anymore tragedy or craziness. The good news is that I am in contact with ex-DHs brother and he feels the same way about the skids and the rest of that family as I do. They are saving ashes for him and so when he comes out to spread them, me and my daughter can go with him. The 3 of us were the only ones who really cared about him anyway, so it works out and will give us some closure without anymore nonsense from the skids.

frustratedstepdad's picture

Wow I am really sorry that you had to go through that along with your child. Really puts our "issues" into perspective. Also sorry you had to deal with his family.

Drac0's picture

>So she tells me that she had a memorial and spread all his ashes (with BM, who he despised) and would "trade" me some ashes for my 5-year old if I gave her everything on her list.<

You know, there are very few posts that make me see red and want to hop on a plane, find this woman and unload a whole can a bitch-slap on her! This is one of them! What kind of despicable human being would do something like this? How do they even sleep at night?

Since I can't do that...I can only sit here and applaud you for steering the course in these troubling times. My sincere condolences!

Redsonya's picture

Thanks:) You'll love this - I guess one of the spare ceiling fan remotes was in one of the boxes. Ex-DH probably put it in his things and I didn't catch it. BM mailed it back to me with a nasty note about how she can't believe I included it in his things since his children clearly wouldn't be using it. I did send BM a note thanking her for sending it back and agreeing that it certainly was appalling that a remote was accidentaly included in all of ex-DH's belongings, which I packed up alone and delivered with only complaints and no thanks from any of them Smile

Redsonya's picture

Ah well, I did come across some of BM's wedding photos (YUCK!) and photos of BM's grandmother. I guess I can make memorial ashes for DD5 out of those:)

Poodle's picture

I remember you too from years ago Redsonya, and am so sorry for what you and your child have had to go through.

simifan's picture

{{{{Hugs}}}}
I am so sorry. I can't even imagine the horror and grief that you must have felt. Still feel. I am so sorry for your loss.

jennaspace's picture

Big hugs!!!

He was probably drunk or drugged up and had no idea what he was doing. Otherwise, I doubt he'd have wanted you and your daughter to witness that. It's horrific. I'm so sorry for you both.

Yes, SD is acting completely rude and illogical. Consider that her dad just committed suicide and her reactions are going to be somewhat crazy. Especially because it's her dad and she's only 19 w/o (I'm assuming) a husband or children to help anchor.

All my loved ones who have passed, have died suddenly. It really sucks. The closest person to me died by suicide. I went through a whole gamut of emotions. Honestly, I think I could have hurt someone in the aftermath (who had harassed me for yrs and at the funeral) had I been given the chance. I was not in my right mind.

I've seen people get very angry after a death. Often times it's projected anger.

I'm not excusing her but I am saying take what she's doing with a grain of salt. It's just so hard to think straight at this time and she may be losing it psychologically (a can of lard?). Well, maybe the can of lard may have some special meaning to her (e.g. cooking together).

Regardless, you have a right to be protected from her abuse. Just move on and do not interact with her. As you described it, you did the right thing. Your hands are clean. You deserve peace while you grieve.

AllySkoo's picture

I'm so, so sorry! That was a horrid thing your ex-H did. I don't know if you're angry at him for it yet, but I'm betting you will be... and you are completely justified if you are. (You said you found him - so I'm hoping that means your daughter didn't see him. I am SO hoping that. That poor kid.)

As for your SD, yes, she's behaving horribly. I bet she IS mad at Dad, but since you can't really take it out on him she's taking it out on you instead. I hope you don't have to have any further contact with her. Let her take it out on someone else instead!

Redsonya's picture

I am not angry actually - he was in a locked guest room downstairs. My daughter didn't see him. I know it came from a place of being completely overwelmed and desparately depressed. He was facing literally a MOUNTAIN of financial and legal problems - much of which was brought on him by his family and BM out of spite. They have to live with that. I won't be talking to SD again. It was a big deal for me to spread his ashes because I told him I would and DD5 wanted to after she heard about it from SD19, but we'll get to do that with his brother when he comes out here.

lilym's picture

I'm so sorry for your loss. wishing the best for you and your daughter. take care and we're here if you ever need to talk.