Just interested in how people deal with their partners relationships with the ex. Mine gets on really well with theirs, she is very nice but can at times feel a bit uncomfortable about it. Please tell me this is normal?
A lot of us are here because of an exW (it is more usually the exWs) who are high conflict types who like to cause constant drama in our lives. This can take many forms including being overly controlling about what goes on when her kids are at her ex's house with his new partner; being very greedy and grasping over money; or just causing trouble for the sheer hell of it, because of jealousy usually. If you want feedback about your particular situation, a bit more information would be good.
Yes, it is normal. If you look at other posts on this site, you can see many cases of the HCBM (high conflict bio-mom). Many. However, it doesn’t seem that is your specific issue. Your issue is more general about feeling ill-at-ease around your DH’s ex-, although they seem to get along.
But, what you are feeling is still normal. There are many reasons for this culturally and otherwise, that it is impossible to go into here. You can certainly see these reasons come up in other posts here. To me, I find there are a couple of reasons, elephants in the room so-to-speak, that come up.
First of all, look at the cultural expectations for SMs. SMs are, in a nutshell, expected to perform all and more of these types of duties for members (mainly SKs) of the initial family for free: Cook, clean, other maid-type services, taxi, chaperone, babysit, provide some type of financial assistance for, and so on. SMs are expected to do all of this and more, and to do it without expecting any thanks in return.
Also, in many cases there is a complete lack of recognition of SM’s true role, and that is as dad’s wife or SO. Most people tend to think of SM instead, as sloppy seconds, or even, to some degree, dad’s ho, concubine, or mistress. On the other hand, BM (the ex-) being BM is seen as an unquestionable saint. Thus, for the most part, BM will always be thought of as the clear and #1 wife. Whenever BM is around, and esp. with her own children about, it is expected that BM will get to dictate the event, incl. who sits with whom, who gets to come, etc. In other words, she gets to displace SM’s role any time she so choses.
Exaggerated, but to a degree, American society has the expectation that divorce should = happily ever after. Thus, it is seen as ideal that mom and dad all hang out together after the divorce and that it is all huggy, kissy, touchy, feely. No one even remotely thinks how SM, dad’s new wife, feels about all of this. She is just supposed to suck it up and take it, all for someone else’s children. If SM feels off about any of this, it is not because one of her husband’s exes is hanging around chatting about the good ol’ days, thereby (accidentally, on purpose, or accidentally on purpose) displacing SM’s role as her husband’s wife or #1 SO. No. It is because SM is jealous. As divorced parents, BM and DH to a degree get pass after pass on their behaviors. The amount of passes SM gets is pretty much none. So, SM is always put in the position of being "perfect" whenever BM and bio-dad are around.
So, given all of that, even without a high conflict BM, this puts SM in the position, yet again, of being expected to suck it up and take it, take the high road, etc. for someone else’s divorce and children. No one cares about SM’s comfort. It is all supposed to be about furthering the façade that divorce = happily ever after. Yes, your feelings are very normal. But, like many issues for SMs, society tends to think SM’s feelings don’t count, at all.
This is so comforting. It's so sad that we are seen in this way! And don't get me started on the evil stepmothers in the Disney films and fairy tales!!!
One thing that helps us is that we are long distance. We may see them in person 2-3 times a year. We will all go out to dinner with the kids. For my daughters birthday this past year we both booked rooms at Great Wolf Lodge and spent the weekend together. Actually, DH was in the Navy and he was called out last minute so I had to go alone with exH and his wife (separate rooms of course) but there were also 6 girls in the room with me.
It works for us but helps that there is a big difference in location and it is just a few times a year. Also, I communicate with his wife 90% of the time and my exH and I have been divorced for 10 years now. There was no sticky back and forth and on the fence stuff with us either.
If something is making you feel uncomfortable, just tell your husband. It could just be something minor that he could do the help make you feel more at ease.
It's encouraging to hear you communicate with your exH's wife. My DH's ex-wife has never once attempted to speak to me, going on 8 years now. We've spoken briefly purely as curtesies I initiated, maybe 2 times in 7 years. That fact only really occurred to me recently as I tried to sort out some of my ongoing insecurities as "second wife." I would love if we could get along but she seems to just have no respect for me. DH doesn't understand how this makes me feel undervalued. BM causes lots of problems with the kids and exclusively comms with DH behind my back. DH doesn't understand why I still feel so uneasy about BM. A frustrating endless cycle.
Yes it is normal to feel uncomfortable sometimes around your partner's ex, even if you and your partner get on with them and they are nice.
Being friendly with someone who has had an intimate relationship with our partners is not something that we are shown how to do in a healthy way in our society very often, so most people can struggle with it.
And allowing your SO, the kids and the ex play "Happy Family together " and getting along. Seems like your So wants to play happy family. I could never go away with the ex, for a vacation. New marriage, new family, no Ex
Once you have sex with someone, you can not go back to friends. I would be very uncomfortable with getting that closed to the ex.
Thanks so much for the replies guys I feel so relieved. I'm in my mid 30s and don't have a close social group nearby as I moved away. Even then my friends are all settled in first marriages and I'm totally on new ground here. I didn't even have experience with kids until these two came into my life so the whole last year has been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. From learning to communicate with each other in front of the kids (never anticipated that being a problem) to all these feelings of strange insecurity? And uncomfortableness. And guilt for feeling like that. Because I trust him, it's not about that. I just feel weird and maybe a little small and insignificant where she is concerned. I felt out of my depth and I am very thankful to have somewhere where I can talk about it and read other people's stories and not feel weird but totally NORMAL. Thank God I'm not mad
Welcome to the site!
A lot of us are here because of an exW (it is more usually the exWs) who are high conflict types who like to cause constant drama in our lives. This can take many forms including being overly controlling about what goes on when her kids are at her ex's house with his new partner; being very greedy and grasping over money; or just causing trouble for the sheer hell of it, because of jealousy usually. If you want feedback about your particular situation, a bit more information would be good.
Yes, it is normal. If you
Yes, it is normal. If you look at other posts on this site, you can see many cases of the HCBM (high conflict bio-mom). Many. However, it doesn’t seem that is your specific issue. Your issue is more general about feeling ill-at-ease around your DH’s ex-, although they seem to get along.
But, what you are feeling is still normal. There are many reasons for this culturally and otherwise, that it is impossible to go into here. You can certainly see these reasons come up in other posts here. To me, I find there are a couple of reasons, elephants in the room so-to-speak, that come up.
First of all, look at the cultural expectations for SMs. SMs are, in a nutshell, expected to perform all and more of these types of duties for members (mainly SKs) of the initial family for free: Cook, clean, other maid-type services, taxi, chaperone, babysit, provide some type of financial assistance for, and so on. SMs are expected to do all of this and more, and to do it without expecting any thanks in return.
Also, in many cases there is a complete lack of recognition of SM’s true role, and that is as dad’s wife or SO. Most people tend to think of SM instead, as sloppy seconds, or even, to some degree, dad’s ho, concubine, or mistress. On the other hand, BM (the ex-) being BM is seen as an unquestionable saint. Thus, for the most part, BM will always be thought of as the clear and #1 wife. Whenever BM is around, and esp. with her own children about, it is expected that BM will get to dictate the event, incl. who sits with whom, who gets to come, etc. In other words, she gets to displace SM’s role any time she so choses.
Exaggerated, but to a degree, American society has the expectation that divorce should = happily ever after. Thus, it is seen as ideal that mom and dad all hang out together after the divorce and that it is all huggy, kissy, touchy, feely. No one even remotely thinks how SM, dad’s new wife, feels about all of this. She is just supposed to suck it up and take it, all for someone else’s children. If SM feels off about any of this, it is not because one of her husband’s exes is hanging around chatting about the good ol’ days, thereby (accidentally, on purpose, or accidentally on purpose) displacing SM’s role as her husband’s wife or #1 SO. No. It is because SM is jealous. As divorced parents, BM and DH to a degree get pass after pass on their behaviors. The amount of passes SM gets is pretty much none. So, SM is always put in the position of being "perfect" whenever BM and bio-dad are around.
So, given all of that, even without a high conflict BM, this puts SM in the position, yet again, of being expected to suck it up and take it, take the high road, etc. for someone else’s divorce and children. No one cares about SM’s comfort. It is all supposed to be about furthering the façade that divorce = happily ever after. Yes, your feelings are very normal. But, like many issues for SMs, society tends to think SM’s feelings don’t count, at all.
This is so comforting. It's
This is so comforting. It's so sad that we are seen in this way! And don't get me started on the evil stepmothers in the Disney films and fairy tales!!!
DH and I get along well with
DH and I get along well with my exH and his wife.
One thing that helps us is that we are long distance. We may see them in person 2-3 times a year. We will all go out to dinner with the kids. For my daughters birthday this past year we both booked rooms at Great Wolf Lodge and spent the weekend together. Actually, DH was in the Navy and he was called out last minute so I had to go alone with exH and his wife (separate rooms of course) but there were also 6 girls in the room with me.
It works for us but helps that there is a big difference in location and it is just a few times a year. Also, I communicate with his wife 90% of the time and my exH and I have been divorced for 10 years now. There was no sticky back and forth and on the fence stuff with us either.
If something is making you feel uncomfortable, just tell your husband. It could just be something minor that he could do the help make you feel more at ease.
Thanks for sharing this as a bio mom
It's encouraging to hear you communicate with your exH's wife. My DH's ex-wife has never once attempted to speak to me, going on 8 years now. We've spoken briefly purely as curtesies I initiated, maybe 2 times in 7 years. That fact only really occurred to me recently as I tried to sort out some of my ongoing insecurities as "second wife." I would love if we could get along but she seems to just have no respect for me. DH doesn't understand how this makes me feel undervalued. BM causes lots of problems with the kids and exclusively comms with DH behind my back. DH doesn't understand why I still feel so uneasy about BM. A frustrating endless cycle.
Yes it is normal to feel
Yes it is normal to feel uncomfortable sometimes around your partner's ex, even if you and your partner get on with them and they are nice.
Being friendly with someone who has had an intimate relationship with our partners is not something that we are shown how to do in a healthy way in our society very often, so most people can struggle with it.
There is a difference between getting along
And allowing your SO, the kids and the ex play "Happy Family together " and getting along. Seems like your So wants to play happy family. I could never go away with the ex, for a vacation. New marriage, new family, no Ex
Once you have sex with someone, you can not go back to friends. I would be very uncomfortable with getting that closed to the ex.
Thanks Guys
Thanks so much for the replies guys I feel so relieved. I'm in my mid 30s and don't have a close social group nearby as I moved away. Even then my friends are all settled in first marriages and I'm totally on new ground here. I didn't even have experience with kids until these two came into my life so the whole last year has been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. From learning to communicate with each other in front of the kids (never anticipated that being a problem) to all these feelings of strange insecurity? And uncomfortableness. And guilt for feeling like that. Because I trust him, it's not about that. I just feel weird and maybe a little small and insignificant where she is concerned. I felt out of my depth and I am very thankful to have somewhere where I can talk about it and read other people's stories and not feel weird but totally NORMAL. Thank God I'm not mad
Yes, it is normal.
This is your marriage. You can set and enforce any boundary you choose whether your SO likes it or not.
If he gets along with his XW so well, why did he dump her and why is he with you?