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Everything reminds DH of SKid, getting annoyed

MEL1297's picture

Every landmark, every restaurant, every song, every baby. "Aw that's skid's song." "Aw this is where skid and I had breakfast that one day." "Aw that newborn baby looks like skid when he was born." "This is skid's favorite commercial" Everything. I understand he misses his kids but it's really honestly too much.

But now I'm worrying that when our first bio kid is here (due soon), all I hear is that OUR child looks like, acts like skid. Every little thing. He does this a little now with some comparisons during the pregnancy. Is there a nice way I can bring this up without sounding like a bitch? I know he will take it the wrong way and it will start a fight, which I dont want to do. I do care about his kids but I do not, EVER, want to hear that my kid looks like a child that he and BM produced. It's just in poor taste. It's like me saying that if me and my ex had a baby, it would look similar to our biokid.

Am I over reacting? Advice?

Accordn2L's picture

OMG I would be like SHUT UP about skids! You are not over reacting, tell him to stop being a whiny baby and hush his mouth. Why is he so hung up on the skids? Does he not see them?

MEL1297's picture

I know!! I say this in my mind and just change the subject. I dont want to seem insensitive but it's really getting to be too much. He sees them every other weekend and half time in the summers. They live 2 hours away.

Willow2010's picture

UGH..DH did this all the time too! The worst thing is when we were doing something fun and DH would say something like.."this is fun, but it would be perfect if SS was here". YUK.

I am sorry and I have no advice. If you say something it will definitely start a fight. DH was still doing this last year. (SS is now 21ish and in the military).


tabby yabba do's picture

I just got back from a beautiful tropical honeymoon with my DH. Several times during the trip I thought to myself "Oh! DD11 would love to see this" or "I bet DD11 would enjoy this outing!" but did I say it out loud? Hell no. Why? Because it's disrespectful to the person I'm with (DH) to "wish" for someone else to be there. This trip was mine and DHs moment, not to be diminished by longing for someone else.

And you know what else is rude rude rude? Reminiscing about someone else, during some past time, while the person you're currently with sits there with zero frame of reference of said event/person. Want to talk about how cute your kid was xx years ago? Or where you and someone else shared a delightful meal xx years ago? Rude. I neither share that memory nor derive any pleasure from it. Your DH is selfishly reminiscing about past events (presumably happy events) in which you were absent from. And that shouldn't be hurtful for you? Of course it's hurtful. He wants to re-live the past when he was happy without you. Occasional flashbacks are healthy and common. But if the person you're with feels hurt by the frequency of these flashbacks, it isn't ok.

Tell him it's hurtful to listen to happy babble about a time you didn't exist in his life. And it's not a hormonal pregnancy thing, it's simply you not wanting to be subjected to repeated cheerful strolls down memory lane that don't include MEL1297 or new baby.

I once read some study that said the #1 predictor for long-term marital satisfaction was how the couple retold their shared stories (how they met, when they had kids, houses they bought, etc.). Did their stories both include shared successes and happiness? Or were the memories non-existent, or unhappy, or only one spouse had fond recollections? How a person reflects on their life matters.

wth was I thinking's picture

My DH doesn't say it as much anymore, but he gets this wistful smile every time he sees a damn Disney World commercial, because he took the skids there a couple times when he was still with BM. I had to flat out tell him a while ago that I did not want to hear any more 'happy memories' about family vacations they took together. Not only because of the obvious, but there is the added sting that I am now helping him pay off some hefty debt he accrued with her, and in my mind, I am now paying for those vacations they took since that was money that at that time should have gone towards said debt, not trips to Disney World.
A guy I dated before DH was also like that. He and I took a vacation to the beach and rented a little beach side cottage at a bed & breakfast. Several times he commented on 'how much daughter would love it here'. Um, no dude. No.

Orange County Ca's picture

I agree with 'Echo' above. Have a calm talk to inform him how you feel and refuse to argue. Listen to his rebuttal and drop it. If he keeps it up ask him why he is so disrespectful of your feelings.

tired and stressed's picture

It does not get better...My BS7 reminds him of OSS25...BS3 reminds him of MSS21....except the brown eyes, the one is not a redhead, they can clean up after themselves, they can be punished, they are not spoiled...opps, got off topic...

MEL1297's picture

Thank you everyone for your advice! Based on your experiences, doesn't look like it will get any better and in fact get worse if I stay passive on the issue. I guess I'll have to just say it. Next time I hear him do this (which will be soon, I'm sure) that will be the perfect time to bring it all up

rainbow bright83's picture

Thank god my DH has not done this for a long time. The only reason he stopped in the first place is due to a fight we had were I finally told him how much I hate his kids. I did feel bad because it was 5 years of pent up rage. DH was emotional after I said some pretty hurtful things. I mean if the shoe was on the other foot and he was telling me how much he despised my kids I would have been in tears. But because of the blow out I can go to the beach, or to a restaurant, anywhere and not hear a damn word about the Skids.
I don't think there will be an easy way to tell him how it bothers you. But don't bottle it up. Because mean and hurtful things will be said. In my case those mean hurtful things helped, its like they really stung my DH to the point he knew he had to really shut up about them.

I wish you luck on this subject!

MEL1297's picture

Thanks! It can be tough sometimes!

I don't hate the kids or anything like that. I think we have a fine relationship. It's really DH - he just gets in these moods sometimes and it's annoying. Like he hasn't accepted the fact that he married a trainwreck he knocked up and was not compatible with. And she moved his kids 2 hours away. That's his cross to bear, not mine and he needs to accept it and move on.

He made an skid comparison to biokid last night and I finally stood up about it. Said I dont want to hear about skids, that was then, this is now type thing. I will continue to do this until he learns lol.

christinen's picture

I have this problem with my DH. He talks about SD CONSTANTLY, & I used to think it was because he missed her (we used to have her 50/50) but now we have her full time & he STILL does it!

We recently got back from a tropical vacation we took to celebrate our ANNIVERSARY & he kept talking about how SD would like it here, how he would like to bring SD here one day, blah blah blah.

It's just constant, like you said- we will be out to eat and he will say oh we should bring SD here, she would like it. Or he will say he wishes SD was here.

After DH ruined one of our VERY FEW date nights by talking non-stop about SD while we were out eating dinner, I let him have it when we got home. I told him he ruined our night & ya know what he said.. he said he was sorry & that he didn't even realize he was doing it!

Unfortunately, that wasn't enough to put an end to it so I, like you, will continue telling him about his ANNOYING ASS habit.

Good luck to you!!