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From every other weekend to every weekend

MayCorine85's picture

I feel so just out of it. I honestly just don't know if I am selfish or what. In an early post I talked about how my SD had been in a mental facility for a while and was begging to come stay with us full time. So to make her feel better my DH said can we do every weekend. I honestly was not ok with this, but just feel like this is a no win situation. It has been a month now and I am ready to just put them both out. SD is 13 and barely cleans up behind herself, is louder than my twin toddlers, and just does as she pleases. This past week she cursed out a teacher, tore up a classroom, and her room at her mom house. DH had to get up and drive over there because she hide a razor and wouldn't give it to her mom.  Yet, my DH gives no type of punishment or even addresses it further with her.  I am a teacher myself and just can't stand that he is so passive about stuff like this. Now with the every weekend I never get a break on Fridays or time to refocus on Sundays before going back to the classroom. I understand that he is trying to help her issues, but this is just making me feel crazy. I just want some peace in my life. I am always waiting for her to flip out and he has to run over there to help. I am so over it all. I am praying for the Lord to help me with my feelings, but this is just so much harder than I ever anticipated. Any advice on how to deal would be greatly appreciated. 

Rags's picture

I would let DH know that it is EOWE.  He can see her outside of the home on the WE that she would normally be at BMs. He also needs the lesson that he is sacrificing time with his toddlers and wife and that your tolerance of it is extremely limited.

Prior relationship children do not take precidence over a spouse or younger kids. 

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

Even that is too much. Let him know that it's EOWE (period).

Having him leave the house every weekend will just pile on the responsibility of twin toddlers to her.

Just be assertive and say no. Most men will get the immediate hint that it'd be better to see their kid every other weekend as they already do, rather than get a new child/spousal support bill + another court order.

Rags's picture

True.

Dizzyjell's picture

It will take hard lessons for him to realize he is trading time with you and foddler to have sd with mental.issues there weekly. I sympathize. I had to leave a situatuon like this. Whrn it became clear that he traded the first childs schedule ..as a priority over our own kid, I think reality hit him.hard. we all need respite from stepkid with mental issues and since I wouldnt out me and our kid in that situation anymore, and he refused to get stepkid more help, I left and now he hardly sees our kid, his youngest. He chose the 1st over the second.

Evil3's picture

Lay down the law to your DH. He is not doing anything productive to help his DD. He's only enabling and his running to his ex' rescue because she can't handle her own kid is ridiculous. Both your DH and his ex need parenting classes and therpy to learn how to parent their DD in her condition.

You can actually force your DH to take some actions. Just have your own boundaries. For the sake of other children in the house, you will no longer allow them to be shortchanged due to one child having so many needs. Young people with mental health issues need boundaries and they only get worse when they're overly coddled and enabled. What would you like to enforce? EOWE? Fine, tell your DH that you totally support his relationship with his DD, but for EOWE that she's at her BM's, he will have to visit her outside the home.

If you want your DH to grab a clue about parenting, go to "family" therapy with you and  your DH "for the sake of learning how you both can implement healthy parenting techniques (including healthy step-parenting) for your troubled SD and for the sake of your other children. That'll at least get your DH into some form of a cathartic process and he might learn better parenting strategies for his troubled DD. This girl could really benefit from stronger parents. It's never helpful when parents parent from anxiety. Also, one of the first things in counselling is that you'll be asked what respite strategies you are undertaking and you can say that due to your DH accepting every weekend, you get no respite at all. Your counsellor will back you up on that and help your DH understand that for the sake of his marriage and his wife's well-being as a wife and mother, he will see to it that you get regular respite from HIS troubled DD.

MayCorine85's picture

Thanks so much for your perspective on this. It feels like a battle weekly and the parents won't do anything to help SD. It so frustrating.

Lindsnh's picture

I'm a teacher as well and just posted about having no weekends to myself. No even a few hours. While our situations are different they have some similarities.