Engaged but thinking of calling it off
So I finally got what I wanted and my BF asked me to marry him after we broke up for a month. I am divorced with 2 boys ages 12 and 9. The 12 year old has autism (high functioning). My BF is divorced and has no kids.
I love my BF and we don’t live together yet. He is disengaged from my ex (refuses to meet him; with good reason) and is good to my kids but not totally engaged. I’m fine with that. I don’t expect him to take on a step father role when we get married unless he wants to.
Lately I feel I need to disengage myself. My BF is the type of guy who wants to help others, even if that means he’s not available when I need him. That’s fine, but it’s getting redicuous. Since getting engaged we have had all of 2 weeks where we could relax and enjoy the lead up to our engagement party. The party is supposed to be the main event with over 100 people invited then we will have a small intimate wedding.
By boyfeiend seems to take on other people’s problems and goes out of his way to help. But I am worried when we get married this will continue and he will be pulled in multiple directions. For example our weekend kid free he decided to help his married best friend move house. Hired the truck etc to do it all themselves. This guy is married with kids and has loads of stuff. So all day Saturday and all day Sunday then Sunday night. I saw his Saturday night and he was wrecked. Last night again he’s there helping. It’s his best friend so I get he wants to help, but he’s no where near that helpful with me. I almost think he jumps at the chance to help others so he doesn’t have to be available to me. I dunno a gut feeling.
As he choses what he wants to do I want to chose to disengage from his demanding mates and their problems. I also don’t know if I should marry the man I love. I am not happy at the moment and we barely do anything fun together where it’s just us. Isn’t engagement supposed to be a happy time?
My kids don’t help they have been shits at times.
I don't want
I don't want to throw cold water on this but yes, engagement is supposed to be a VERY happy time. For both people. You said that you finally got what you wanted after having broken up for a month and that he seems to be avoiding spending time with you. That is not a good sign. At all. It sounds like he felt forced into the engagement because he did not exactly want to lose you but did not wholehearted want to marry you either. Men do that to buy some time to think. Sometimes they actually go through with the wedding. But their heart is never in it. Is that what you want for your life?
Time to have a serious conversation with him. It may not have anything to do with you as a person. He may just not be ready to get married. Men and marriage have far less to do with the actual woman herself than the woman they are with when their "marriage light" comes on. Can I get an "amen" here, ladies????
Thank you yes we are having a
Thank you yes we are having a conversation tonight
My thoughts? If you are in a
My thoughts? If you are in a relationship that has progressed to the point of marriage, you should not be breaking up, thinking about breaking up, thinking your partner is trying to not spend time with you.
I think you should end this relationship and never look back.
"me to have a serious
"me to have a serious conversation with him. It may not have anything to do with you as a person. He may just not be ready to get married. Men and marriage have far less to do with the actual woman herself than the woman they are with when their "marriage light" comes on. Can I get an "amen" here, ladies????"
Amen to this-this is very true. Consider though she also has 'bagagge' 2 kids and one with special needs, an exh-if he is young and ex-life free he may be thinking there's better options out there. I'd break this off IMO.
I had a vision
I had a vision of a taxi stopping for a young beautiul woman only to have her say "I am going to the airport - in Denver - with all this luggage - and I need to be there in an hour." Cue the skidmarks as the taxi takes off at high speed and the "on duty" light goes dark. LOL
I went back and read your
I went back and read your other post as well.. my conclusion is that you should end the engagement.
I'm not sure what the cause for the break-up was.. but from very personal experience.. jumping from broken up to engaged is a horrrrriiiibbble progression. I did it.. and well regretted it. (different reasons).
The reasons really like mostly on your side of the table.
1. Your kids.. are fairly young.. and one of them has some diagnosed conditions that are going to make it a challenge for your BF.. he has already indicated this to you.. over a year ago... I don't believe things have improved.
Is it fair to your kids to make them live with someone that can't tolerate their behavior? Is it fair to your BF to make him accept your kids' antics.. and maybe there is a touch of you maybe not parenting the boys as effectively as you might should do?
2. Your desire to not be lonely isn't enough to overcome obstacles.
3. You resent your BF doing good things for others. Honestly.. what you describe in him is a trait most people would appreciate.. but I'm not sure what things of yours he isn't doing for you.. and I'm sure he does enjoy some time with his friends.. maybe he isn't really at the same stage you are?
A 53 YO man without kids... will have a lot less tolerance for things too..
I just don't see this as a good match.. and I think your reasons and issues are fairly self centric and not considerate of the other people in the mix.
By the way.... can I just
By the way.... can I just chime in about the engagement party for 100 people?
I really don't think that is the right thing to do when you are planning an "intimate" wedding.. where the vast majority of thos 100 will not be welcome. Is it just an opportunity to get 100 gifts?
I don't know where you live,
I don't know where you live, but engagement gifts are NOT the norm for where I have lived - Northern California, Boulder, Gulf Coast, etc.
A friend's daughter wanted a very ,very small family only wedding. Her parents threw a huge engagement party as formal as any wedding - but no one brought a gift. I even asked someone ahead of time if gifts were now a thing. And I was assured not by someone who ranked socially in that area.
I did send a wedding present near her wedding even though I was not invited - but that was because I wanted to not because I felt any obligation.
Oh.. ok.. I figure all the
Oh.. ok.. I figure all the extra parties these days are hoping for gifts.. because so many people are..lol.
(gender reveals.. all the layers of various types of showers etc..)
If it is immediate family only and like a 30 person wedding.. I guess I can see maybe having an engagement party that included more people.
Not at all. My BF is the one
Not at all. My BF is the one who wanted a lot of people at the engagement party. He’s the one who pushed to get back together claiming he wants to be my husband
You shouldn't have to break
You shouldn't have to break up with someone to get them to ask you to get married - it should just be something naturally flows from the course of your relationship. And you shouldn't marry someone when you have so many doubts (anxiety is okay, but not a gut feeling that things aren't how they should be).
I think you would get better
I think you would get better value for money if you took the funds for the big engagement party and instead invested in premarital counseling. A party is just one night, while working together with a professional to improve communication and relationship skills could pay dividends for a lifetime.
This is relationship seems very polarized. You went from being
broken up to engaged, and the wedding is now on!
Your kids are baggage for a man who has none. The older men (& women for that matter) get, the harder it is for them to adapt to kids and baggage. This will only intensify over the years.
I think very well of him helping his best friend move the house.That is an ingratiting gesture. After all, he has been friends much longer with him than he has been with you. He has loyalty to his friend, and as long as they're not out at strip joints or running around getting drunk and chasing tail, then what is the harm in it?
You seem to be viewing this as some sort of competition between you and his friend. It isn't . You both bring different things to him relationally. You said you feel he is intentionally finding ways to be away from you. If that is your "gut feeling" you're probably right. Maybe he's just not that "into you."
If this is your pre-marital relationship, it's already tipping the scales to a very stressful direction. The wedding party of 100 invitees is also stressful. Also, with kids being involved, the honeymoon phase is basically non-existent. That is usually reserved for first timers. Reality dictates there are kids involved and all the responsibilities involved with raising them.
I wish I could give you better advice, but all of this really screams neither of you are ready.
Are either of you involved in church? I ask because before we married we had to undrgo extensive marriage counseling. We both gained much insight into many aspects of marriage and how it will be handled. Granted, not "everything" comes out, such as adult SK's...or I wouldn't be here. Over all, it was very all inclusive and many points were raised that otherwise wouldn't have been brought to light.
I’m talking to him tonight
I’m talking to him tonight about all of this. I think we need a long engagement personally. He’s the one who pursued me to get back together and wanted to get married. He’s now 55 and I’m 48. I have equity and a part time job.
so, your not a step parent?
sorry, that is all.
Having children presents a
Having children presents a problem for a number of reasons.....
-Say you find a childless older man who has a good financial situation. He will view your kids as baggage unconsciously and this will get worse the older he gets. Also the very thing you like about him (he doesn't bring children into the marriage and he has a good income) you also resent him for. This isn't fair but that is what ends up happening. Been there, done that.
-Say you meet a younger man. He is more likely not to have as good of a financial situation because of his age. He will also very likely want children of his own if he does not have kids and will resent you if you don't want more. Also a younger man who does not have kids and does not want kids isn't likely a good match for a woman who already has kids of her own. Or if you meet a man who already has kids of his own that has it's own issues. Adding other kids to the relationship will also present a conflict with your kids as they will now have half siblings or step siblings to fight over attention from you for. They are used to it being just you and them. There will be jealousy issues with the kids and big time parenting conflicts(you treat your kids better than you do mine, ours, etc.). Then there's always the issues of them having an ex to deal constantly with too which is annoying in itself.
You are damned either way. Sometimes it is best to stay single until your kids are grown. Do you think his disengagement might have something to do with him feeling ignored when your kids are around or maybe something worse? I would disengage with my ex when I did not agree with her parenting or the way her kids were acting being presented because I didn't want to have an another argument with her about their behavior and the lack of consequences presented.
Yep you are so right it’s
Yep you are so right it’s very hard all round as a single mum of 2 young boys, one with ASD and a shitty ex husband.
Yes all of those problems are possible but it is not impossible to have a new marriage as a single mum. It happens and some people make it work.
However, I do need to take my time and see if this is right. My BF has been used to doing his own things. He came out of a long term marriage with no kids. They grew apart and he lived separate lives towards the end. HE is the one who pursued me to get back together claiming he wanted marriage and the whole package. I have the equity so if we bought a house together I would use that for our new place. Anyway thanks for the comments
He’s the one who pushed to
He’s the one who pushed to get back together claiming he wants to be my husband
He’s the one who pursued me to get back together and wanted to get married.
HE is the one who pursued me to get back together claiming he wanted marriage and the whole package
I'm trying to figure out why you feel you need to keep repeating this. Something seems off about the whole relationship. Besides the fact that it doesn't sound like you want to marry him.
And perhaps he doesn't really want to get married, either. It seems you broke up because he wasn't asking you to marry him? Maybe he just doesn't want to be alone so he gave in and asked you to marry him.
Doesn't sound like a great start to such a big commitment.
The only way you are going to
The only way you are going to know if you are compatible enough to get married is to live together first.