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Emotional incest (non sexual)

caitlinj's picture

What are some signs that your partner (the bio parent) might be practicing emotional incest?

Regarding emotional incest with the child.......

-child sleeps in parents bed at times, even at a young age, instead of the parent going to the childs room when he/she has nightmares or deson't feel well then leaving the chulds room when they fall back to sleep

-child is in parents bedroom, bed, bathroom freely and frequently during the day and comes and goes as he/she pleases. Child may even watch tv in parents bed.

-child gets control of the television in the living room 

-child is catered to when it comes to choosing meals and then is  catered to and cleaned up after.

-child is aware of conflict and other personal issues going on between the couple and child is used as an emotional support system by the bio parent. Bio parent fails to realize that the problems in the marriage are usually caused by the emotional incest relationship with hers/his child/children. It's a cycle that repeats itself.

-child interrupts adult conversations and even orders adults around at times and bio parent sees nothing unhealthy about this. Bio parent may even think it is cute.

Any thoughts?

Thumper's picture

Can I put it too you this way. For me, I would have pulled an "ALL STOP loverboy" if my DH did this. We had to be mostly on the same page with stuff. and we were and we still are.

Best advice I can offer you is this...IF it feels weird, odd, problematic, strange then it probably is. Do an ALL STOP before you take one step further. FOLLOW your gut and  Start asking,

Why do you think it is ok that daughter uses the master bath and not the kids bathroom? Why do you think she should sleep in the master bed? How long do you think she will be allowed to walk in and out without permission? Did your parents allow you to do that too? Did your mom and dad let you sleep in their bed?  Did your parents allow you to turn the TV knobs...OR was that your parents TV and you were just darn lucky you could sit on the floor and watch the news. LOL Kids never sat on the sofa---that was for company. TRUE STORY way back when.

Good Luck Wink

 

Step-girlfriend's picture

Children should not be allowed to come and go out of the Master bedroom. NO good can come from it, and it is just a matter of time before they walk in on something they shouldn't be seeing- sex or you changing. When I moved in we immediately implemented a "no skids in our room/skids knock first" rule. It took them about a month to get used to it, and during that time SS opened the bedroom door while I was changing, AND when we were having sex. Luckily I dove into the closet and he didn't see anything when I was changing, and it was pitch black the other time so he couldn't see much, but still. I don't understand why kids in the parent's room is ever a thing. Skids NEVER go into our room now. They don't even knock.

This child rules the house, and if it were me, that would be changed, STAT.

 

 

Areyou's picture

Those are examples of poor boundaries. The parental system has to have strong boundaries where children are not allowed. This means children have little say about adult matters, children do not open the parents bedroom door, children do not make decisions about food or what to watch on tv or purchases etc. children do not have info aviut adult discussions.

J.E.S.S.'s picture

I'm hoping things will get there with my fiance & his BD3. My situation is almost exactly like the OP's.

1wonder woman's picture

When I met my boyfriend he was newly divorced with visitation on weekends with his 7 year old little girl. She did have her own bedroom but I noticed he was allowing her to sleep with him..I even asked him why are you allowing her to do this.... he even said this is what him and his ex wife use to do they were married the kid never slept in her own room always in the master bed. He said his ex wife use to breast feed her and then as the kid got older she never wanted to sleep away from her mom. This as you can imagine put a strain on their marriage and he kept sleeping on the sofa and he wanted the kid to be put in her bed but bio mom refused to do so. So they get a divorce and now he has his own place and right away his kid did not want to sleep in her own bed no she wanted to sleep in her fathers bed and he had a hard time forcing her to sleep in her own bed. Well right away I told him you gotta be the parent here stop letting your child manipulate you and control you. So he tucked his little girl in bed in her own bedroom and he put a movie on for her in her bedroom and he made her stay there and trust me she put up a fight... well it worked she sleeps in her own bedroom now. I noticed also noticed she would just walk in on her father in his master bedroom and he put a stop to that too... She would see her dad just came out of the bathroom after taking a shower he'd have his robe on on and she would follow him to the master bedroom then I pulled her away from the door and I told her you know your dad will be getting dressed soon you are not to go in his bedroom you are not to see your father in the nude you are to respect his privacy just like he is to respect your privacy. She said well I see my mom all the time nude and I sleep with her too I said well that might be how she does things but this is how Dad does things... that is not going to happen in his home! His child use to tell her father everything they were going to do the second she was picked up she'd tell him where they were going to eat... she had the whole day planned out... THAT CHANGED REAL FAST! Now the boundaries are set the rules are in place and we all respect those rules and boundaries. A child needs boundaries... they need a PARENT to be a PARENT that will protect them and teach them.  

talkwargames's picture

Because this is the loneliest I've ever felt, being with the two of them. He is a guilty father, and she is a spoiled little girl.

I don't know why I'm here. There is no love for me here.

 

We are getting married next month, and I feel like I'm making a horrible mistake. 

Don't necessarily want advice. It's just that I can't talk to anyone else, and I need another soul to know. I've given them my heart and all I feel now is empty. 

georgina29's picture

Im sure you have heard this before so without trying to sound like a broken record I must ask you "Why are you marrying this man?" You will be happier on your own. Don't put yourself thru all the hurt and pain. Don't expose yourself ot the endless feeling of loneliness, rejection and being an outsider. It will never get better. It will never go away,

talkwargames's picture

The 50% of the time we don't have her, my fiance is like a different person. I wonder how much of it is manipulation. Dear God, it's confusing.

I have never felt this strong of a connection to another person. We share the same values, and dreams for the future. When we are together, it is so easy, fun. It hurts to think of walking away from a relationship that feels this natural and right. That's the answer to your question- why I would want to marry him.

But it's also like a rollercoaster. I keep holding out hope that his daughter might see me as a parental figure. Or that he will open his perspective to some of the problematic aspects of his parenting, maybe include me in finding solutions. But you are right- when I take a hard look at everything, the situation seems fixed. Maybe the emotional dynamics are too entrenched to ever change, or include another person. 

I feel like an accessory in their life, not a member of their family. It was my sincere hope that marriage might help to secure this somehow.

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I'm reflecting now on everything  you have said- it's possible things could continue this way indefinitely, and I will always be the outsider in this strange father-daughter entanglement. 

I needed to hear this. Thank you. Best wishes.

Step-girlfriend's picture

What a terrible situation to be in...I’m sorry. Just remember you have options and are not stuck in this. Postponing the wedding, at the very least, to see if you can improve the dynamic enough to make you happy. I think a serious heart-to-heart with your fiancé is in order.  Unfortunately, many DH’s seem very unwilling to change to accommodate a new female into the family..and marriage doesn’t seem to change things much.

I don’t want to tell you to just walk away, because I understand how hard and impossible that seems when you love this man. However...you do not sound happy as things are. I actually felt how unhappy this makes you in your comment. It would be a mistake (perhaps the biggest of your life) to get married next month. I don’t think you would ever regret postponing the wedding to figure things out more. I am pretty positive you WOULD regret going through with it as things stand. 

Can you live like this forever?