Dying inside
I am having a really hard time and nobody to really talk to that relates with my situation. Me and my boyfriend have been together for two years. He has a four-year-old daughter whom we just gainful custody of. She moved into my apartment and it is my sole responsibility to get her up and ready for school everyday which is 20 minutes away. I know it doesn't seem like a big deal and it never really was until recently moving in together but I cannot even stand the look of her. I swear she is evil she acts like a complete menace when I am trying to get her ready (her dad leaves at 5 am for work everyday) and says really mean things. I know she is confused and little and going through a hard transition moving in with daddy's girlfriend and him gaining full custody of her. I used to love her and I do everything I can to help her and my hubs. He treats me as if I could be her mom, he doesn't have any boundaries or worries about me helping him raise her. He actually tells me that he loves us equally. I am 20 years old and I am very successful I have a beautiful apartment in the city, I drive a brand new car, I love my job but this whole situation doesn't seem fair to me. I love this man so much, I cannot picture my life without him but I want his daughter gone (God forgive me for feeling this way) it doesn't help that she is the spitting image of her mother. I wake up sick and in panic everyday about how she will treat me. I have tried to discipline her and demand respect but it only seems to make matters worse. Mind you she acts like an angel to me when daddy or nanny are around. Someone please give me some opinions I am loosing it!
You didn't gain custody of
You didn't gain custody of her, your BF did, and she is his responsibility.
Maybe he needs to get his own place and take care of his daughter.
I think you will hear from
I think you will hear from most people here that while we're sympathetic to your feelings, you shouldn't be with this man. Time to leave and find a new child-free relationship.
You're 20. Sounds like you have your act together. You have your whole lovely life ahead of you. Don't settle for playing mommy to someone else's kid. Don't settle for the unpaid maid/nanny role. Why are you taking care of this 4 yr old every morning like you're her mom? Sounds like you have a great job and situation - take care of YOURSELF.
Your man is delusional right now because he's in love. His projection of this maternal role onto you is totally negating the fact that the child HAS a mother (I am assuming, no mention of BM being gone in your post?) and thats unhealthy for the child, for you and for you two as a couple. He is showing you who he is by expecting you to do the heavy lifting where parenting is concerned, so no matter what a wonderful guy he is otherwise, big red flag for your future together.
Probably not what you want to hear but RUN. If you choose to stay, stop doing ANY and ALL childcare, unless you choose to. You're not her mom. Go live your life.
Chic, either he is your
Chic, either he is your boyfriend or your husband. Which one?
You were 18 when you met this guy. Girl, you are YOUNG. Do not tie yourself down to a man with a child.
She is little and being away from her mother must be traumatic. My heart goes out to her. BUT her father needs to be the one comforting her and getting her ready. Is he a hands on parent or does he leave it to you?
So, DH had 50/50 custody of
So, DH had 50/50 custody of SD and SS when we married. They were 5/6 when we got married. I volunteered to help with childcare to save money, even before we married. It worked/still works for a couple of specific reasons.
1. DH backed me up. 100%. Even if he disagreed with me, in front of the kids he backed every decision I made. If I was having a problem with the kids and I called or told him later, he believed me and reacted to the kids appropriately. He NEVER tried to make me prove the kids misbehaved. (Please note that I was also 100% honest with him if I was having a bad day and the kids were NOT terrors but I wasn't handling normal kid behavior well.) He also didn't argue with me when I gave rewards or lifted punishments early for good behavior.
2. When I needed a break, for any reason, DH did not fuss. He took care of his kids. When I had a bad week he offered to put them back in daycare. He never blamed me for struggling with it or tried to force me into the role of Mom. He let me develop my own relationship with the kids.
Those two factors were essential in allowing it to work. It's clearly NOT working for you, so maybe you need a sit down with your SO/DH to make it work or come up with a different solution for her mornings. Your SO now has full custody of a little girl. He needs to figure out how to do what is best for her, not just try to fit her into what's best for him.
Secondly there was a recent change in custody. I don't know how or why but in all honesty at 4 years old, I'm not surprised your SD is having trouble adjusting. She is missing her mom and you, while not a stranger, are suddenly thrust into the mom role. SD4 is rejecting you because she wants her mom and her routine. If her dad leaves at 5am, does he pick her up from school and spend time with her? Or is she now without either parent for the majority of her awake time?
Peridwen your husband sounds
Peridwen your husband sounds fantastic. I think many of us wouldn't even be on this site if we'd lucked out with a clued-in dad like that... Wow. That's great. My DH is getting better with time, but man it has been an uphill battle dealing with his inappropriate and excessive expectations.
I am extremely lucky. I'm
I am extremely lucky. I'm here because BM is miserable and nearly impossible to predict (though not as bad as some others) and to prevent me from making mistakes. Something as simple as "hey the kids have x event coming up" can trigger a sh*tstorm of epic proportions, or can be a smile and "Ok. Do you want to just switch the kids there instead of the normal time?" Drives me friggin nuts! The ladies here have given advice to me and to others than I've read and absorbed that have changed how I view certain things.
And she was probably wasn't
And she was probably wasn't 20 YO when she met her husband.
Nope. At 20 I was freshly
Nope. At 20 I was freshly single after dumping a cheating, lying, high school sweetheart fiance. After that blow up I got my Associate's, a full-time job, my rescue pup Levi, and my Arabian horse Medjai. I met DH at a horse show at 25 and it took about 30 seconds for my heart to go "he's the one!" Took my head a little longer to agree. DH was not perfect when he was married to BM either. Reading between the lines of what he told me and what I've heard from MIL, I can see some of his faults and mistakes in their marriage. He's grown since then and I can see subtle differences even in things from the beginning of our marriage to now.
I guess I wasn't really clear about why I posted what I did. I wanted OP to know that it CAN work, but ONLY if there is 100% support from the bioparent. There has to be an ability to communicate, complete honesty from both parties, and a willingness to compromise or lose sometimes. I don't know that OP has enough life experience to judge whether is a situation that can work out in the end and as she hasn't been back to answer anyone's questions or respond to posts I can't say one way or the other. It is my opinion that most people are not mature enough to make good relationship decisions until they have been single as an adult for at least a year. And I don't mean 19 years old. I mean adult as in 100% self-supporting, accepting responsibility, and having developed a strong sense of self-worth in him/herself.
Based solely on what she posted, her relationship does not have the best chances of surviving as a healthy relationship. She sounds a lot like I did when I was engaged to SirCheaty of USAF. SirCheaty was all about the importance of family and how, since he was the big soldier, I should be the queen housewife and SAHM on the base and he would provide everything. And I glossed over a lot of faults that, looking back with an adult's eyes, were HUGE red flags. (One of the biggest was him trying to push me into sex despite my conviction that I wanted to remain a virgin until marriage.) But at 18, 19, 20 I was certain I knew better and could fix those issues. 20yo me was culpable in the demise of our relationship also, don't get me wrong. I was selfish and unwilling to compromise on much too.
Are YOU the paid Nanny? Nanny
Are YOU the paid Nanny? Nanny as in Mary Poppins Nanny or Grand mother.
I was wondering the same
I was wondering the same thing. I was thinking grandmother.
Echo has it right.
Echo has it right.
Echo is correct. U r being
Echo is correct. U r being used and you are maybe too young to even recognize it. The girl is not your child and not your responsibility. You are not even married. Things will only get worse. At your age, if I were you there is no way in hell I would date someone with a child. I hate to say it but u may be a bit naive
Didn't read all the comments
Didn't read all the comments but....
Why isn't the nanny getting her up and to school? Believe me, you need to find another arrangement to get her to school bc it will get worse and you will end up hating your BF.
RUNNNN AS FAST AND AS FAR
RUNNNN AS FAST AND AS FAR AWAY AS YOU CAN!!!!!
his kid, his responsibility.
his kid, his responsibility.
Where are your parents, your
Where are your parents, your aunts, cousins....there has to be someone in your inner circle willing to be honest about with you about this.
Get away from this dud. He should have had a plan place and a work schedule(or a real nanny)conducive to being a CP prior to getting full custody of his daughter.
Young lady (if I may address
Young lady (if I may address you as such) one of the hardest lessons you will ever learn is that you are, basically, just like everyone else. Read the posts here and understand that, as much as you may love this guy and think he's hothothot and the be-all, end-all ... we were all there once, too. We may be dried up, bitter old biddies, but WE KNOW WHAT WE ARE TALKING ABOUT. This guy is not worth your time. If you stay with him, you will end up like the least fortunate of us here, and will have many, many years to repent your misspent youth. Because that's what you're setting yourself up for--a misspent youth.
How are you doing with the harsh advice you're getting here? Are we getting through to you at all?
You have GOT to be honest
You have GOT to be honest with him about not wanting to be her caregiver in the morning. Or go on as is and be resentful and let fester. You'll end up hating them both.
Your SO does not want to be with someone who wants his child gone. This relationship simply cannot work without honesty and changes.
Tell him. See what he says. Let us know.
I'm with you in this... I've
I'm with you in this... I've had my step-daughter fulltime for 5 years and only just found this site, before this site I thought I was this evil, bitter step-mum who had jealousy issues over a poor Mummy-less child.. and her BM is such a waste of space it just added to my guilt and bitterness. This girl really needs a Mother and I seem incapable of giving her that... although I do everything a Mum would and better.
Until I realised... with help from a lot of people here, actually maybe it wasn't really my problem. Maybe I took on a role I was bound to get rejected for anyway. Everyone wants us to be Mum, even the step-kid has torn loyalties and occasionally wants us to be Mum. But we are not Mum, and these kids like to remind us we are not Mum.
Resentment digs deep.. I cannot stand being around my step-daughter and my in laws now all believe that it's my 'anger issues and controlling ways'
No, it's a sign of someone battling against the tide for too long. I'd read up on disengagement. A lot of people here pointed me in that direction and now I feel more empowered. Might be worth a read
You're not alone and you're perfectly normal.
I stopped reading at you are
I stopped reading at you are 20 - do you realize that if this was your bio you would've been 16 at her birth?
You are way to young to play mommy, this guy is using you, please kick him and his brat out and find a guy your class and age.... you do not have to deal with this crap at your age... your biggest worry should be how to get rid of a hang over on a saturday
^^^^this. Please please get
^^^^this. Please please get out of this relationship. If u were my daughter I would give u this same advice. Good luck!
Honey, there is no "we" in
Honey, there is no "we" in this equation. Your BF has full custody of HIS daughter, you have absolutely no legal rights to this child. If he croaks tomorrow the girl will go back to her mother or other relative. You're the glorified nanny who also warms BF's bed, and I'm sure you do all of this for "free" what a deal for BF!
"He actually tells me that he loves us equally." I'm sorry, this is just ewww. He's putting you on the same level as a 4 year old girl. Do you really want a man who loves you as much as he loves a 4 yr old that he doesn't take care of?
Listen to all of us who've been in similar situations. This stinks for you! Consider this a learning lesson and leave.