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DW / BF saga continued....

Landi's picture

Recap: DW has loads of debt after her divorce. I'm supporting her 100% financially. Her 2 kids are living with their dad and his new girlfriend. Her kids are alleging her ex is mistreating or ignoring  them. SS got spanked last week, we went and got him, and SD threw tantrum about medication she forgot at home (45 mile round trip for us, BD has never once come and dropped them off or collected them) and sent melodramatic texts to BD to come and "rescue" her. DW is pressuring me to let her 2 kids move in with us. I'm balking at the idea, given that I will end up supporting her and her 2 kids, something that I never signed up for. BD is years in arrears with child support, and it's probably futile to go after him even in court.

So after the drama regarding SD's medication, we took the skids back to their BD yesterday. And guess what, BD welcomes his daughter with a new puppy, but barely greets his son. Then the penny drops:There's a plan here. BD has probably thought things through over the weekend, wants my wife to take in SS and he wants to keep SD. Natch. SS is a difficult child - hence the spanking - and has ADHD and other behavioral issues (inappropriate touching of his sister and mom.) So BD is probably thinking that if he can get rid of the problem child, SS, he doesn't need to pay child support to DW because he's looking after SD, after all. Very "clever." SD is also very clearly playing both sides off against one another and trying to emotionally manipulate DW and BD.

We got home - and I knew this was coming - DW starts crying saying the children should not have gone back to BD. They should have moved in with us, according to DW, because they're not safe with BD. I told DW that merely having them stay with us, isn't going to address her worries about their safety. She will still have to let them go to BD for holidays and weekends, and who's to say he won't get drunk on a Friday night when they're there and then hit them again? (Once again: I don't think the spanking was serious and knowing SS's behavioral issues, I am sure it was justified.) If this was really the reason for wanting her kids, her concerns about their safety, she'd have to go big and apply for a court order for supervised visitation to make sure BD doesn't hurt them. Also, of course, I'd almost guaranteed end up having to care for 2 another children financially, while BD, who does currently have a better paying job than DW, laughs all the way to the bank.

Long and the short of it, DW threatens to leave me and go and live with her children if I don't agree to let them move in. Knowing full well that there is no way she could ever afford to do this, or even just to live by herself, I called her bluff and said I'm OK with that. Stalemate. Slept in separate rooms.

Watch this space for the next depressing episode of our soap opera.


futurobrillante99's picture

At the very least one tactic is to tell her you'll think about it. That you know she's worried and misses her kids. Then think about it, and we all know what the outcome will be. Just be honest: I married YOU and I promised to care for YOU. Your children with BF are the responsibility of you two, the parents. I am not the parent and you're asking me to fully financially support you and your children while their father does nothing. I'm just not willing to do that as it will create a great deal of resentment in me. I'm sad that your financial situation isn't very good, but there again, I wasn't around when this debt was created, but I'm here now helping you to get it paid down. I'm sad for you that your ex is cruel to your children and doesn't pay child support. You're simply asking more than I can give you, and I understand if you feel like you can't stay here. I love you, and I hope you'll work with me on some kind of solution, but without you and the bio dad contributing fully to support your children together, I'm not willing to have them live with us full time.

Landi's picture

After the exchange last night, I shared a spreadsheet of estimated household income and expenditure with 2 extra kids and all that entails with DW. I told her that I'm now spending A on the household, for the 3 of us, but with 5 of us, it would increase to B.

So my answer, whenever this subject comes up (as it will most certainly do tonight....) is going to be that it's simple: if DW wants to have her kids there, I won't refuse, but then she should come up with a way of funding the difference between (B) and (A). Privately, I'm not going to go out looking for a 2nd job, or find some other way of earning more to fund another man's kids because quite frankly he's working and I can't see a reason for me to take over his responsibilities towards his kids.

DW will then have to decide just how much she really wants her kids there. Does she want them there enough to go and find another job, or to somehow bring in more money? Having said that, I'd be very hesitant to fall for something like her ex signing an agreement that would make up the difference between B and A, given his history of not even obeying a court ordered child support agreement. I can see him paying the first 3 months, and then again reneging on the agreement, as he did in the past.



Step-girlfriend's picture

Good job. This shows you are not being unreasonable and saying no she can't have her kids more, but also shows her she needs to be responsible for them, not you. What was her reaction to this?

justmakingthebest's picture

You did very well with this. Presenting it with simple math takes emotion out of the situation. Hopefully she will start contributing more to your household finances. Even with awarded support, she needs to be able to contribute that amount due to the history. CS can go in a savings account for when he comes up short or vacations or college. 

Aniki's picture

Continue to call her bluff. Your DW needs to get a better job and be financially responsible for he children. It does not matter if she lives with you or moves out. Her children are HER responsibility; NOT yours.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

All the financial issues aside, both of those skids sound like they would be He!! to live with. 

Keep standing your ground.

Wrong Way Diva's picture

Just curious, why doesn't your wife work?   What does she do all day?   I've been working since I was 15--I put myself through college working part time.    How long have you been married?   I have a feeling your being taken for a ride.......

Great job on the budget--she needs to grow up and support her kids, I think it's shameful for a grown woman to rely 100% on her husband in this day and age.          

Maria10's picture

You did a good job! 

I always feel so bad when i see/ hear the BMs expecting/volunteering their new DHs money for the skids. It's one thing if he wants to do it it's another if they are being volunteered/coerced into doing it. 

I like the budget idea and might use it later.