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Don't want to be around FDH's family!!!!

callmemyname's picture

I can't be the only one who loves my FDH so much and at the same time, can't stand his family. He is so different from his family, so much that I was shocked when I met them. His mom seemed super nice at first but in all reality, she is two faced and doesn't listen to anything I say. There have been multiple times that I tell her SS can't have soda or candy or whatever, and she doesn't listen and gives it to him anyway. She goes by BM's rules for him, rather than FDH and I's rules. His grandma is HORRIBLE. She is honestly the rudest person I have ever met. The first time I met her was at SS's second birthday party, which I planned and did everything for. She grabbed me by the back of the neck and said to me "you know you'll never be SS's mom right? Why are you trying to be? FDH and BM are his parents, not you." I looked at her, said "I'm just trying to make sure SS has an awesome day, that's all," pulled away from her and didn't speak to her the rest of the party. In addition, at SS fourth birthday party, she walked into MY home, looked at MY dog, smacked him in the ribs with her cane, and then used it to push him away from her. Now, my dog does have a tendancy to jump up on people for attention, he's a two year old puppy, who was only 1.5yrs at the time. THIS TIME, he wasn't even paying her any mind. He was sniffing to the table of presents and facing away from her. I scooped him up, looked her in the eye and said "are you f*cking kidding me?!" and walked back to my room where my parents were. I was in tears and two seconds away from telling everyone to get the hell out of my house. They calmed me down and said that my dog was fine, which he was. The rest of the party she complained about the food, the cake I made, the presents he got (all too expensive) blah blah blah. FDH has two sisters and a total of six nieces and nephews he doesn't get to see because there was a big fight (before we met) and they no longer speak to his parents. I recently found out that the reason for this is that FDH's dad, who is not his sisters' father, molested them when they were younger. This honestly was not surprising to me because his dad does awkward things on a regular basis. On multiple occations, I've moved away from him when his hand lingered on my lower back for too long, or when his hands on my shoulders became too much for me to handle. I'm teaching SS, and will teach my future children, that it is YOUR body, and no one can tell you what to do with it. My parents never forced me to kiss/hug any family memeber/friend if I didn't want to, and that is how I am with SS. Your body, your rules.

That's all a lot. I know. But honesty, there's so much more that would take DAYS to type. And what's crazy is that FDH is NOTHING like his family! It's like he was adopted or something!

My FDH just texted me and said that his mom is having a get together for mother's day and asked if we could go. I told him that I did not mind if he went, but I would not be going, I told him that I don't feel comfortable around his family, but he was more than welcome to go. He said I was going to start a really big fight if I was serious. I wasn't rude at all, like I could have been. I just told him I didn't feel comfortable going because I don't feel like part of the family, nor do I consider them my family. Plus, my dogs are not allowed over at their house so I want to spend mother's day with my only babies.

Am I out of line on this one? Or would you guys do the same?

callmemyname's picture

I forgot to mention that my family lives two hours away, so that's why I won't see them on Mother's Day. If htey lived closer, I would just go home and he could go to his parents'. We see my parents more often than his becuase my parents make an effort. His parents think that they should see SS, becuase it is the only grandchild they are allowed to see, all the time. Every time we have him. Um, no. Not going to happen.

Also, it will be sooo annoying because they'll all ask "where's SS?!?!" GEE I DONT KNOW MAYBE WITH HIS MOM ON MOTHERS DAY THERES A THOUGHT YOU IDIOTS.

MrsStepMom's picture

I wouldn’t go either. I stopped doing thugs with my exes family because his mother was just rude to me always from day 1 and i was over it. He and i just did our own thing and it was fine. He liked my family a lot but obviously spending time with another family can be draining no matter what so it never really was an issue. We had our own stuff we did together for the holiday, later in the day, the next or something. It shouldn’t be a fight. 

flmomma08's picture

You definitely shouldn't be expected to spend mother's day with someone else's mother. I would have said the same thing - you go see your mom, but I am not going. I would spend as little time around her as possible. I only see my MIL on big holidays and birthday parties.

SteppedOut's picture

If your Fdh enjoys spending time with his family fairly frequently... how do you think that is going to bode for your marriage if you do not want to spend time with them (UNDERSTANDABLY)? And comfortable will you be having your future children spend time with his family. I used to LOVE spending the night at my grandparents house...will  your children?

This is a serious question that you should spend quite a bit of time contemplating prior to your marriage.

Sometimes love is not enough; just remember that.

callmemyname's picture

He knows how they are. And he never wants to go over there either. He jsut feels obligated to because of the whole situation with his sisters! My children will not be spending any significant time with any of them! It's not MY problem that they are selfish rude people. I don't want my children poisoned by their words and actions. FDH has said multiple times how lucky he and SS are to have my family as possitive role models in their lives. I have zero respect for any members of his family, and I am not going to put myself in an uncomfortable situation if I don't have to. This is part of working on my mental health and relationship with myself.

Jojab1636's picture

Sorry - I got stuck at , "she grabbed me by the back of the neck..."  Oh hell NO!  No more family gatherings with her!  Then to add to the pain of seeing how she treated your dog.  Another, Hell No!!  If you don't feel comfortable - don't go.  No one is going to be happy whether you are there or not.  I would be tired of wasting my time on a family that acts this way.  My SD's did this for a long time and then I decided "no more" .  Life is to short to spend it with unhappy people.  I think by spending it with your fur babies is a great plan.  Enjoy!!

ndc's picture

Let me get this straight.  Your FDH's grandmother is terribly rude to you when you see her, and abuses your dog.  Your FDH's father is a child molester.  You're uncomfortable (and understandably so) being with his family  And yet your FDH says that YOU are going to start a big fight if you're serious about not spending time with them?  On what planet is he living?  Why would he expect you to spend your time with such awful people?  Honestly, I'd let that fight play out and make it very clear to him that he can feel obligated all he wants to visit his family, but you and your future children will not be spending time with them.  If that's a deal breaker, so be it.  I'm having an incredibly difficult time getting past the fact that his father molested his half sisters.  That in and of itself is reason to avoid him and keep children away from him.

If you don't want the fight at the moment, drive 2 hours to visit your mother.  No one should expect you to be spending time with your future MIL instead of your mother on Mother's Day.  But you do need to set the ground rules regarding his family before you marry him.

callmemyname's picture

It was never proven that it actually happened. However, it makes sense. I'm not even supposed to know that, it was supposed to remain a family secret that that is the alleged reason the girls don't come around anymore. I've been hold that he is a different man than he was back then, that he goes to church now. Here's my thing, I'm an athiest so it matters none to me that he goes to church. Some of the rudest, most selfish, inconsiderate people I know sit in a pew every Sunday. I don't judge people based on their past before I knew them, I judge them based on the person they've been since I met them. And let me tell you, these people are not ones anyone would want to associate with. They seem like a well-off, polite family, but when you get to know them, they're plain white trash and rude. My parents would rip me a new one if I ever acted as they have towards me!

flmomma08's picture

Child molesters cannot be rehabilitated. If it hasn't happened again, its just because he hasn't had the opportunity. I would keep my kids far away from him.

notarelative's picture

I realize that you have been told that it was never proven. But, have you checked the state criminal database to see if any charges were filed. Sometimes family, who want you to ignore accusations, leave out information. I'd, at the very least, check the database. If you find nothing, you find nothing. But, if something should be there, you would know that you have been lied to again. (first lie was a lie of omission about the reasons the family is fractured)

Also note, that they are not telling you he didn't do it. They are saying it was unproven and he is a different man now. They are basically admitting it and saying but there is no proof so it's ok. If they didn't think he did it, he could be the same person now that he was then. He wouldn't have to be different if he didn't do it.

You said that any children of yours "will not be spending any significant time with any of them". That is a wise decision. Plus, do not ever, ever, leave any child of yours alone with FIL (or anyone who might let your FIL have contact with your child while the child is in their care). If FIL should revert to his previous behavior, and based upon your interactions with him that may be likely, and your child has been left alone with him, children's services will be at your door questioning your judgement when they realize you had knowledge of his past behavior. (adding that going to church does not preclude being a child molester. clergy, who are in church every day, have been charged.)

That FH feels "obligated" to go, and that he told you that your not going would "start a really big fight"is concerning. He and you need to be on the same page or this is going to be an ongoing stress. You really need to get this settled before you marry and/or have children. If I knew you IRL, if you were my friend, I'd encourage you to get him to go to counseling to explore, with you, how to handle this in the future. (and if you were my friend IRL I'd hope that you'd run away from this.)


caitlinj's picture

They sound like horrible people. I am sorry. Perhaps spend mother's day with your mother or doing something else? Do not put yourself through that abuse.

tog redux's picture

Yes, someone can be very different from their family, BUT - the fact that he puts up with their crap is an enormous red flag.  Please don't ignore it.  There is a reason his sisters don't speak to their parents, maybe it's the creepy father, or maybe it's just the general dysfunction. But they had the nerve to stand up for themselves and set limits, and your FDH DOES NOT. That's a very big deal that will get worse the more you have to deal with it. 


Thisisnotus's picture

Don't go and go see your mom. Also, move somewhere far away from his family.

Also, you mentioned your "dogs not being allowed over there"...why would you bring your dogs to someone elses home?  I'm not a dog person, so I just can't understand why anyone would think that was okay?

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I'm just going to be blunt.

Your bf's family sounds highly dysfunctional, and you can't rely on his opinions and perceptions of them because it's his normal. Don't allow him to guilt or manipulate you into spending time around this low rent bunch. You have your own standards, and hopefully they're higher than this bunch.

Not one, but two family members have accused his father of molesting them. They feel so strongly about it that they no longer see their own mother. That's enough for me, because I'm older and have learned that if you lay down with dogs, you'll get up with fleas.

Relationships are hard, and they're harder when you can't enjoy each other's families. Find a guy whose family isn't of the Jerry Springer kind, one where you're welcomed and can completely integrate. People who marry "down" are seldom pleased with the carp they're expected to put up with, so BE CHOOSY.

HowLongIsForever's picture

This is spot on.  You have to realize that your SO was raised by these people with their values.  It is his normal.  He has been conditioned by his family to behave and react the way he does.  He may never come out of that FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).  You can try to help him but like everything else you can't force him to or do the work for him.

There's an old post on a reddit forum regarding rocking the boat that might explain your SOs reluctance to change the dynamic.

Don't let anyone give you crap about your boundaries.  Boundaries are for YOU, not them.  You get to choose your boundaries and enforce them as you see fit.  Nobody else gets to make those decisions for you.  

Siemprematahari's picture

She grabbed me by the back of the neck and said to me "you know you'll never be SS's mom right?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^This right here is grounds to never see his mother again, never allow her in your home, and to create strong boundaries when it comes to her. I won't even go there with the puppy but this woman is toxic on so many levels and I can't imagine how your H was raised by someone like that. He seems to not have a voice and doesn't address his mother and her disrespect so there are issues with him in that regard.

You are not out of line for not going to her house for Mother's day and your H shouldn't expect, be upset, or be shocked if you decline. Protect your energy, your space and those you allow in your circle.

Ispofacto's picture

Please don't have children with this man.  You will not be able to keep them away from his family.  And if the two if you divorced at any point in the future, that family would have access to your children without you there to protect them.

Think long and hard on that.

You are considering a relationship with a man who has passive aggressively threatened you for declining to be around someone who verbally and physically assaulted you and a helpless pet, and molester who likes to put his hands on you.  He is not so different from his family after all, is he?