Don’t know where to turn...
I've posted on here re the same before but here goes...
Dh stonewalling me after a huge fight where I swore and accused him of disrespect towards me when he and his ex basically agreed that he would have 2 of his 3 kids live with us full time (the other is a student at uni). We've had the same fight before but I'm so tired of it now. Back story here is that his kids don't like me sand having tried hard to be friends with them, I don't bother now other than being polite. Bm has gone back to her country of origin and hasn't seen her kids for almost 1.5 years (boy aged 11, girl aged 17). They don't have any family locally and neither do I or dh. We live in a tiny 3 bed flat with our joint son aged 3too. Just to add to the mess, we are in lockdown and there is no getting away from them.
my dh behaves differently with his kids around and doesn't show me any respect. There is no intimacy and I am so Annoyed with him most of the time that I dont I initiate anything. We both work full time.
the real issue here is dh's behaviour abd that of his son. His son has always disliked me and has been rude to me in the past. He is immature and constantly wanting dh's attention - sitting in his lap and laying on top of him. He's also jealous of his half brother snd basically wants whatever he has. He is loud and has about 5 tantrums per day. Personally I think he needs help from a therapist with his bm having abandoned him but dh refuses when I bring this up, saying I need therapy! The latest argument was caused by his son laughing hysterically and very loudly late in tjr eveinjng and I was complaining to dh about this. Basically dh has never taken my suggestion to buy a bigger house for us all to live comfortably seriously.
dh did not speak to me for 3 months last year during the last lockdown snd we ended up in counselling. We seemed to get on ok after that but the latest lockdown has brought all my frustrations with our living situation to a head again.
if it wasn't for our son I would have left it I can't break his little heart. Also my dh has some strange practices which I don't agree with it - his son wanders atotnc naked in the bedroom he shares with his 17 year old sister snd this (amongst other) reasons is why I don't want t to leave ans have my son being brought up by his father alone.
our marriage was find until the steps ended yo with his full time. I have begged dh to pay for his kids to visit their mother or go yo their grandparents alone to give us a break, but he refuses.
this is not the full story but edited highlights. I'm not sure I can handle being stonewalled again but at the same time I am not leaving my home (we own it jointly. Stepdaughter also goes to uni in September snd hipefykly stepson will get older and stop being so needy. Not sure what I am looking for here on the board, maybe a hand hols or advice? Thank you!
Tough situation
I feel bad for you. You and your son stuck with your stubborn husband, nutty SS and SD. You didn't mention anything negative about SD so maybe she is not an issue.
I think the main issue is your DH's stubbornness. Does he even want to be in the marriage? Any chance of resuming counseling? Is there ever a quiet time when you can sit down and talk with him? If any of the answers are no, I'm not too optimistic about the marriage's chances.
Feeling sorry for you, Legally. Hoping for your best outcome.
Thank you
Thank you jri.
no, our flat is so small that there is nowhere private to talk. When we had counselling last time we agreed to go outdoors snd talk if our son was at preschool....it's too cold snd wet now to do that . Plus dh just ignores me and doesn't talk to me, it's very obvious to everyone.
yes, I wasn't very nice in our argument but surely he knows how difficult this is from my perspective?
And you're right, I like sd- no issues with her, though I am looking forward to when she goes to college so we have some space at home!
And dh is the most stubborn
And dh is the most stubborn person who always thinks he is right and can't see beyond his own opinion.
Do YOU want to stay in the marriage?
Do you have any family nearby? Do you even want to stay in the marriage? I would be thinking about an exit plan. I thought for about 1 1/2 years to come up with my exit plan, flawed tho it was. I couldn't tell, is your son 3 months or 3 years old? Do you work?
No family nearby. I work full
No family nearby. I work full time.
i am thinking about an exit plan but waver as my son would miss his dad (son is 3 years old), this is the marital home plus lockdown is really stressful and I know it brings out the worst in everyone. Had we not been in lockdown I would be out and about basically avoiding the dss (whom is the cause of the majority of issues between dh snd I)
The chances are that if you
The chances are that if you left and your DuH only saw your son EOW that he'd spend more time with him than he actually does now. From what you've said (here and in the past) he pretty much ignores your little one. Just think how much more relaxed you'd be without all of the disrespect and resentment. Start looking for a place for you and your son, talk to a lawyer and start making plans to seriously improve your life. Youi'll never manage to cope for the next 7 years (until SS is 18 ... not that he's going to launch anyway), your DuH is unwilling to change anything and he'll just continue to gaslight you, why would you put yourself through that?
Living in a home filled with
Living in a home filled with stress where the parents are not speaking and the mother is disrespected is not a good environment for a 3 year old. You are certainly not modeling a healthy relationship for him. Believe it or not, he might be happier seeing not seeing his dad every day and having a more calm and less stressful everyday life.
Hmmm...
I was getting ready to say the SS isn't the source of the trouble, your stubborn DH is. But, not to play devil's advocate, but I guess he HAS to have them since BM left, there's nobody else. So I guess I can reluctantly understand why he is adamant, he is between a rock and a hard place. But still, he should be insisting that the boy respect you. I agree with you about therapy for the boy and you all needing a bigger house. Is there any chance at all that your DH would agree to marriage counseling? If not, how about counseling for you? I was in despair almost 50 years ago, ready to leave DH and disrupt the lives of 5 children. My counseling made a huge difference in all 7 of our lives.
Not speaking to your spouse
Not speaking to your spouse for THREE MONTHS is abusive. He's not just stubborn, he sounds very narcissistic. It's his way or no way. You make a legitimate suggestion about therapy and he turns it back on you that you are the one who needs therapy.
I know divorce is hard but your son doesn't benefit from living with a miserable mother and an emotionally abusive father. If you leave now, your son may not even remember ever living with his dad and you together. It's not just the pandemic, it's your DH's toxic behavior too.
I'd suggest you get your own therapy to help make a decision that's best for you. Your son needs his mom to be reasonably happy and healthy.
^^This^^
You're in an emotionally abusive marriage. And that WILL adversely impact your child of you stay.
You have to get out and take
You have to get out and take your child with you. Move out of State. If your STBXH gets visitation, at leas you will keep your child away from that genetic cesspool the rest of the time.
Good luck.
Take care of you and your child.
Put your son first...
Children are very perceptive & nowhere near as blind to unhealthy adult behaviour as we may like to think. Your son will see & feel the tension. It is not good for him to live like this in an environment where Dad shows so little respect to Mum that he stonewalls long-term.
You would be a better, healthier Mum away from what you describe. Your son would benefit from a happier you.
As you have so much info about the poor/inappropriate behaviours that go on around your husband via the other kids, you have stuff to raise in a custody case. Your hubby may not get given overnight access if you raise the lack of space, naked walking around, immature behaviours etc. Your son must be kept safe & well. Either way, if the issues were to not be significant enough to make a difference, at least you could keep your sanity & self-respect by not being part of the family-life you do not approve of. Personally, I think it is better for children to have happier times with Mum & happier times with Dad following a split than miserable times most of the time when parents stay together for the sake of it.