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Don’t know how much more

MayCorine85's picture

Right now I'm ready to just be gone.... SD was with us for about a week and a half. She was only suppose to be with us half of spring break, but because of everything it lasted longer. We took her to BM on Sunday and today.... not even a full 2 days her mom has called and put her out. SD(13) was fighting her younger brother and cussing her mom out. So DH jumps up to go get her. I am so tried of this foolishness. This is how SD has been all her life with BM and I'm just not use to all this and it's doing a number on my anxiety levels. The biggest problem is that when she comes her DH doesn't enforce structure which I can't stand. I just don't know what to do about all this. I am not interested in her being her this whole time we are in isolation. I need peace in my home and I don't get it with her here, not to mention I have twin boys. I just need normal....

ldvilen's picture

Sadly, stepparenting is rarely normal.  Your DH is an enabler to his SD--enabling her to tell her mom to go to H- any time she feels like it, and daddy will just pick her up and bring her to his house.  No consequences for anyone, other than you, the SP, of course.  It's like a game that they have all played with each other for years, a dysfunctional game.  They have all bought into it and know the rules.  Unfortunately, none of them, including your DH has taken your feelings, thoughts, etc. into consideration at all in their dysfunctional game.  Many stepparents wind up dealing with this or something similar.

Your DH needs to be the one to grow a pair here.  Children will be children.  Not excusing SD's behavior, but DH is the one enabling her, along with DH's ex/ BM to the child.  Child goes after BM, BM picks up the phone and calls dad to come and get her.  Now nice for SD and BM.  BM gets rid of SD and SD gets to go to a house with no rules.  BUT, again, this oddly works for them.  You really need to be reading your DH the riot act on this.  You are his wife or SO living with him.  HE has to learn that games that may have worked for him and his initial family in the past, are not ones that you have go along with just because you married him or are living with him.  Plus, he is giving his daughter (and BM) an easy way out at the price of your peace of mind, and like you say, you have your own children to look out for.

Tell him next time he is to say NO to SD coming over.  This will force SD and BM to work things out, rather than both of them taking the easy way out and dumping it on bio-dad and YOU!  If you are going to be dumped on, you have every right to say NO WAY.  If he keeps letting SD come over, then it is your decision to make however you see fit, and make it for you and your children without feeling guilty about it.  Leave, disengage, do what works for you and yours.  There is no way you have to put up with another family's past marital or present divorce strive creating a hell-like world for you and your children.  Just because they like the game it doesn't mean you have to suck it up and take it!

Rags's picture