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Does this bother you as a step parent?

georgina29's picture

Whenever someones (a stranger, family member, friend, whomever) approaches your spouse and asks your spouse how their kids are your spouse never corrects the person and says "you mean our kids". I feel it is an isolating feeling as a step parent not only because you are expected to be a parent and accept the kids as your own but on the flip side no one recognizes you as a parent or equal in the situation and you feel completely ignored yet your spouse does NOTHING to correct and change this. Would this bother you?

MoominMama's picture

I'm quite ok with the distinction between me and his children. I prefer to refer to Skids as 'DH's kids' not as my stepkids. But I do see you point and if you want to be considered a family then it's not very nice for you. Have you asked him to correct them?

georgina29's picture

Ive mentioned it. Its wouldnt be an issue if he wouldnt expect so much of me as a parent. However he doesnt realize the loneliness and isolaiton I experience at times. He has no idea.

Harry's picture

How would a stranger know your story ?  I think most of the time this is a ice breaking question 

i understand where you are coming from, and it took years for me to get over it. That somehow the whole world know there your step kids.  Somehow this is important information KNY. 

cam2016's picture

Those kids have a bond with their parent that you'll never share. I guess you have to accept that fact. Perhaps that's the way nature intended things to be?....

Loxy's picture

I've never experienced that - all my friends and family ask me how the skids are as though they are my kids and my DH also calls them our kids.

I think it depends on the expectations of your DH and how you conduct your family life. If your DH wants you to view the skids as your own and you be a family unit (as you seem to indicate) then it's extremely unfair that he doesn't refer to them as your kids.

Kes's picture

Doesn't bother me in the slightest.  I never wanted anyone to think that my SDs were my children.  As to being completely ignored, I got used to it over the years, but no, it wasn't pleasant.  

sammigirl's picture

This never bothered me.  DH has his past.  I know DH and I could have never raised children together, due to his parenting and mine being so different.  Therefore, I'm glad my grown Skids are his problem and not mine.   My past is also a "can of worms" and I have never expected DH to live it.  DH has always been supportive of my past and I have not been bothered by BM nor adult Skid's status.  With this said, DH and BM had many friends with kids the same age, so it never bothered me for them to ask about each other's grown kids and their families.  They have not excluded me in the conversations, nor has anyone made an extended conversation of it, in my presence.  I always had the attitude "you can't change the past", "the future hasn't happened", therefore "live for the moment".  Everyone's situation is different; I was never expected to be a parent to my skids, because they were grown and the damage was complete.   Just stating my circumstances. 

Starlightwest's picture

I don't know how long you've been married or how old the kids are. I can see your point if you're actively involved in parenting them. Maybe he could give an update and then say something inclusive like "Georgina is a wonderful stepmother to them." If it bothers you this much, speak up - and I truly understand that it is easier said than done. But it's the only way to let them know how you feel. Most men need straight talk and honesty at least in my experience. I had to speak up when my DH kept using the term "my house." He's much better about that now.

On the other hand, I used to wish so much to be a part of DH's family until I realized what a mess his kids are. Like sammigirl said above, we most likely never could have raised children together. And also his were like hers - grown and the damage complete. It feels really good to just be in my own boots, so to speak. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I've reached the point where I need accurate labels and home truths in my step situation. I wasted too many years drinking Kool-Aid, accepting pretense, and trying to be what DH and his dysfunctional family wanted me to be. What keeps me firmly grounded in reality is truth and boundaries. So, the skids are DH's kids; I'm not a SM, I'm DH's wife; his sibs aren't my sibs, they're my in-laws, and so on.

I think a lot of dads want to recreate the happy family scenario with their new woman, but ignoring the facts doesn't change the facts. Your partner may want you to be the replacement mom, but you're not. It's not your role to take care of his kids for him. The fact that someone asking a fact based question hurt your feelings tells me that you've allowed your partner's unrealistic expectations to influence your self worth. Please consider why you feel hurt and isolated by the simple truth? You're not his kids' mom, and that's okay.




jojo68's picture

Never have wanted to be referred as her parent and she has damn sure never wanted to be any part of me.