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Does anyone really want to hear about the ex

how2step's picture

via the kids, their so, etc. i think a reason why these situations do not work out, other than the kids being entitled, is that people get tired of hearing about the ex constantly. why would anyone want to hear about their spouses ex, what they are doing, what they say, etc. no one does.

ESMOD's picture

It might also be happening at the EXes house as well.. kids talking about you and DH.

I think it depends a little bit on the age.. when they are quite young, kids aren't going to understand the subtle ways that always talking about mom might be rude/innapropriate/old..

As they get older, they should have a fairly clear understanding that their father's new wife probably doesn't want a blow by blow of their mom's status.

I actually would occasionally ask how their mom was.. because that had an impact on how the kids were doing.. so new BF.. or lost job.. those things could impact us.and the kids.

your SO should be helping kids to understand that constantly talking about daddy's exwife isn't necessary all the time.

Jcksjj's picture

I actually dont care at all if SD talks about her mom other than when I know shes doing it to be vindictive with her "well MY mommy" crap. Even then it's more about the snotty mean girl attitude and disrespect, I could care less if she thinks her mommy is so much better.

From DH I really dont want to hear anything but luckily she never gets brought up. 

Monkeysee's picture

I never want to hear about the ex, and thankfully my skids don’t mention her often. When they do DH & I are supportive but we don’t encourage the conversation really. It’s more like ‘oh yeah?’ ‘That’s nice’, ‘I bet that was fun’.

The boys used to ask questions or tell ‘stories’ about the time their parents were together (they were really young when DH & BM split, so these stories are false memories, especially YSS who was ~18 months at the time), DH always either shut it down or offered non-committal comments, which I was thankful for. They don’t bring it up anymore, thank god.

For my own sanity, I have a rule with DH that I don’t want to hear stories from his past, or even of the boys if it involves BM. I don’t want to hear about their birth weight, when they took their first steps, what their first words were... those are his memories with BM. Selfish or not, I’m not interested. He can walk down memory lane with anyone other than me.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

I need to start instituting this boundary with my husband. I’m sick and f!cking tired of when I mention a place my DH has to mention when he went there with stepbrat (before me and DH met.) it’s incredibly annoying; me and DH are alone and he has to bring up Biowh0re or his ex mil or stepbrat. FFS! Maybe I’ll start interjecting stories about my ex boyfriends or ex husband.

Monkeysee's picture

I highly recommend it! I’ve had people call me selfish but I don’t care. Steplife is hard enough, I don’t need to hear stories of life before me, even if it’s got to do with the boys. I never wanted to be with a man with children, having strong boundaries is the only way I stay sane!

still learning's picture

ss's who are 26 and 33 still do this whenever they visit DH. They have to update him on how mom's doing.  I have no idea if DH is interested or annoyed by it but it happens every time.  I used to endure this during their visits but now i avoid or excuse myself almost anytime they start having a sit down conversation.  I have never had a conversation with the woman and could care less how she's doing.  I never ask DH what was discussed partly because it's usually booooring, and also my life is full enough without a play by play of BM's life.  

Cbarton12's picture

I don't mind it too much. It's not excessive. SD will bring up BM after a weekend with her and just tell us about what she did. But it's not really BM focused. And we certainly are respectful about her talking about her mom but don't go out of our way to talk about her.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

I don’t like hearing about Biowh0re unless affects me or my real kids or my marriage.

I hate hearing about my DH’s ex outlaws, too. 

I ignore stepbrat 99% of the time and I don’t want to hear about Biowh0re or her scumbag “family.”

MommyT's picture

My ss hardly ever talks about BM. When he does we just reply, “that’s nice.” We don’t engage or talk negative. BM likes to blame us for things such as lack of communication and ss will ask us about that but we just tell him that isn’t true. BM told me in our court ordered mediation meeting that she was tired of ss always talking about us and ss has said that BM rolls her eyes or snaps at him when he does. I just think it depends on the person. No, I don’t want to know about BM but I don’t discourage it because ss ultimately lives there half the time and it is bound to happen.

Thisisnotus's picture

I don’t usually mind since it provides me entertainment since she is a complete train wreck. Well over half of what SKs say about their mom is pretty bad. She would die if she knew what her kids said about her.

 

ladybug3's picture

I hate hearing about DH's ex. He'll bring her up at random times and I have to remind him that I couldn't care less about her and her life, I only tolerate hearing about her when it has to do with SS. If she pisses DH off and he needs to vent I can listen to that, but other than those two things I get very angry when her name is mentioned. BM in my situation has told SS how much she dislikes me so I know he's talked about me with her. I don't want to cause tension between a son and his mother (as gross as I think she is), so I don't straight-up tell him not to talk about her, but whenever SS mentions "mommy" I change the subject or say something like, "Oh that's nice" and move on. 

shamds's picture

bio mum this and stepdad that then they say we told bio mum about you and our half siblings and stepmum etc and they go on and on non stop about her daily life the past month to make her relevant to us when she isn’t

then sd23 would send random pics at airport departure/arrival hall waiting to pick up her mum or she just dropped her off... hubbys response is “oh”... your dad has been divorced for 11 years, has not been in your mums presence or been in contact for 11 years, married for 4.5 and has 2 kids with new wife, pretty sure thats code for he doesn’t care one bit about whats going on.

oh and they would randomly send pics of their dad from younger years or when married to their mum... to play this fantasy of happy life being married to their mum when bloody reality is it was daily torture and abuse and they should know this...

they don’t pull this crap so much. They did at one point try to play imaginary happy family where they and hubby met alone and pretend me and our kids do not exist... hubby put a stop to that long time ago

Totheend12345's picture

I hate this, I still cringe sometimes with BM text DH about things.

 

Like a few months ago BM text DH about getting her concealed carry and wanted DH opionon on a gun. DH answered her but i was annoyed (how childish i know) 

 

SD will talk about BM sometimes, but she doesnt see her enough to talk about her. (SD RUNS WILD OF COURSE NEVER HOME).

 

What makes me cringe the most is when BM tells DH something is going to happen so and so way and its her choice.  Then it does because honeslty what can we do.

 

This totally got off topic. i dont like BM

CLove's picture

I was honest and mentioned the fact that I really dont want to hear yet another story about Toxic Troll. And got blamed for upsetting the princesses.

Well, now that almost 5 years has passed and much water under the bridge has flowed, and Munchkin has experienced much negative via BM I dont have that issue at present.

Toxic Troll doesnt take Munchkin places, we do, she doesnt shop abck to school, we do, she doesnt take her to get nails and hair done, I do...

So, as the memories fade, and there are no new ones to take their place, of her at least, I have ceased to have that problem.

DH knows better than to mention Toxic Troll in the positive. Sometimes to get me he will say "oh she wasnt so bad." But we both know the truth of things.

momjeans's picture

Nope.

DH *never* talks about BM. He hates her with a passion of a thousand burning suns. 

Skid almost always brings BM up in conversation, in the first couple of weeks she’s here for summer vacation, though. You’d think she’d have stopped by now. It’s always SO awkward, as everyone just sits there, gazing right through Skid, as if to say ‘WTF, kid? No one cares.’

It always reaches a point where DH tells her ‘enough of the BM talk,’ then Skid sulks because her feefees got hurt.

It’s glorious. 

BM is a vile human being. Even if she weren’t DH’s ex wife and hadn’t put us through the amount of BS that she has, I could never see myself being friends with her. She (already) has a reputation of being a horribly entitled and high conflict person in her community to begin with. DH and I have worked hard to distance ourselves from her, so she is literally THE last person we ever want to hear about - even out of Skid.

LuluOnce's picture

My opinion is totally dependent on how much drama BM is causing us. 

When BM has it together -- taking her meds, has a boyfriend and a job that pays a little bit of money --  I don't even notice the kids talking about her. But when she's off her meds, single, broke and dragging us through court all the time? Don't you breathe her name to me, child!!

And my DH dislikes BM more than I do, so if he ever mentions her voluntarily, it's usually in a comparative that compliments and shows his appreciation for me.

Swim_Mom's picture

Skids rarely mention their mother. I've noticed my kids rarely mention their father to DH. Maybe it's an age thing - all these kids are teenagers and early 20's (ranging from 14 to 25 - 7 of them total).  However I do enjoy any stories of BM because it's very entertaining to hear! She is a joke. Unfortunately so is my ex, as of about a year ago. I do not find that entertaining - it is almost physically painful as he is my kids' father.

Rags's picture

I am not sure anyone really wants to hear about the X.. .but it's like watching a slow motion train wreck.  We cringe and try to "look" away but just can't help but to watch it all unfold.