dodged a bullet?
I'm a widower of 4 years and for 2 years have been dating a woman with 2 kids, a 9 year old boy, and 11 year old girl. We get along quite well, but her children are constantly disrespectful and her ex husband is an out of control maniac. He insults me every time he sees me and has poisoned the kids against me. When I try to talk with them, they only give hateful, sarcastic responses. I've been very patient with them, but now I don't even try to talk with them. The girl is the worst. She gives me the finger all the time behind her mom's back. I took them out to dinner in a restaurant, with their mother, and she kicked me under the table no fewer than 10 times. Constantly bullies her little brother. My GF says nothing.
My GF wanted move in together and I considered it, but then I sat her down and said that I wasn't ready. I told her i wanted to try to get to know the children better before we made such a move. I didn't meet the kids until we had dated for a year. I told her I wasn't ready to get married, but that I loved her and wanted us to make sure we had a solid foundation. She didn't talk to me for 2 weeks after that. Meanwhile, her ex had been harassing me and even threatened fake abuse charges on me. I have never ever been alone with these children. I know he's toxic and I am careful to protect myself. I do not spend the night if she has the kids.
I discussed this with my GF and she dismisses it, even though those two are constantly fighting. They can't even be in the same room together. They have 50/50 custody.
Anyway, today she brought up living together idea again, and I said we weren't ready and that I'm finding it difficult to connect with her kids and that I don't feel like they like me at all. Things got emotional and then she brings up my late wife and how I'm not over her death. I told her that my wife is dead and not a threat to her, but her ex husband is alive and always a threat to me. She told me I crossed the line with that and told me to leave, which I quietly did.
I haven't tried to contact and I'm not sure if I should.
Hell to the f no don't
Hell to the f no don't contact her, but keep up your defenses, because I guarantee she will try to contact you.
Her exhubs threatening abuse charges? Yeah, my friend you dodged a bullet. Just don't let it ricochet and get you.
thanks
I needed to hear that
No problem! Sorry to be so
No problem! Sorry to be so blunt, but that was my 1st thought... sometimes you need a quick slap to snap out of it.
Sorry, but your EX gf is not
Sorry, but your EX gf is not a good parent. Her children behave terribly, but you took them out to dinner (and what a nightmare that was!).
IMO, she wants to move in because she want you to foot the bill. Her ex is a nutjob who needs a Restraining Order filed against him.
I also believe she'll try to contact you. Do yourself a favor and block her number. You can certainly do better.
You're right. I have loaned
You're right. I have loaned her a considerable amount of money, which I've resolved to never see again.
Oh, hon. I'm willing to bet
Oh, hon. I'm willing to bet she sees you as her ATM and wants to cement that by moving in and sinking her hooks into you as far as possible. Loaned... I don't think you will ever see a penny of that money. Consider it a gift to yourself for your freedom.
She wants you to move in to
She wants you to move in to help her foot the bill for her home and her little brats. She wants your help and money but doesn't love you enough to require her kids to respect you. She is not a good parent and at times her kids treat you terribly and she does little about it. Her ex is a nutjob who has no respect for you but she doesn't seem to care about that either. Run far and fast. Do not contact. Do not call. Move on. You can do better.
I appreciate your input. I
I appreciate your input. I would have been setting myself up to fail.
Never mind the crazy ex
My ex is crazy. My SO's ex is crazy. We make it work. What we don't do is ignore kid's behavioural problems (we talk about them all the time). We don't stonewall each other or go silent or threaten each other or use other forms of emotional blackmail.
Yes, problems with the kids are bad and the ex is bad, but what's really bad is the way GF handles conflict.
You dodged a bullet.
A near miss indeed- protect
A near miss indeed- protect your own financial interests- say good-bye to the loan and hello to a new life without these toxic people. It won't get better if you stick around... you're being used.
Sounds like you dodged a
Sounds like you dodged a bullet for sure.
Her kids are hateful brats; the ex is nuts and your GF puts the needs of her nightmare kids over anyone else, no matter how bad they are treating you.
Run, run, run away. Do you want to move in with her and have to deal with these toxic children and a GF who does nothing about it?
Good luck.
What you dodged is jail time.
I have no doubt that if you continue this relationship, you may very well wind up in jail. Her ex has already poisoned the kids' minds against you, and has threatened you with false abuse charges. Believe him.
If you continue to see this woman, you MUST fully expect that you will be charged with something at some point. The system is designed so that it will be very, very difficult for you to prove your innocence if it has anything to do with the kids - whether it is physical or sexual abuse. It doesn't matter that you don't spend the night; they can claim you did it in a restaurant or anywhere. You will wind up spending tons of money on attorneys in order to fight the charges. Hopefully you will win. If not, look a lifetime of repercussions hanging over your head - whether it's jail time and/or labels as a child abuser.
Tell this woman that you wish her and her kids all the best, but it is over. Agree that your are not over your deceased wife and you cannot in good conscience go on with another relationship. (That's a good excuse.) Then do not have any other contact with her again.
Then pray that the ex and the screwed up kids don't try and get in a few last revenge kicks - to include a false charge against you - since you "dumped" this woman. She sure as hell won't stand up for you and may even encourage it.
I think that this is a
I think that this is a blessing in disguise. I am a widow and began seeing SO about a year after DH death. I was so naive and didn't see the signs. You are seeing them, how brilliant of you! I wish I would have. I think this is a great opportunity for to you end things and move on with your life. I am still in my relationship, and know at some point its going to end. I'm just not ready to leave yet.
To follow up, she crossed the
To follow up, she crossed the line bringing up your late wife. You did not. Your response was on point.
Normally
Craziness is something is past along in the kids. If EX is nuts most likely kids will be nuts also. This is something you can not fix. If SO. Is not trying to correct her kids now, when SO is at her best behavior trying to win you. Think about what it will be like after she traps you in marriage, and is not at her best behavior anymore.
My mouth actually fell open
My mouth actually fell open when I read about the SD giving you the finger behind her moms back and kicking you under the table....What in the F*CK!!! I would not have tolerated that. I would have told that girl myself if your SO didn't discipline her for it.
I can tell you that the Angry ex threatening you with false abuse charges is a very, very hard situation to be in. I'm in it too. BM told people in our town that I "grabbed SD's arm and pushed her face". Which I have never done, ever, and wouldn't. That is just the tip of the iceberg of what she has done. It can be pure hell. And my Skids LIKE me! If they acted like your SO's kids did, I would never have stuck around.
You definitely dodged a bullet. You would be facing an uphill battle that would would not win in the end. She doesn't want to parent her kids properly, and you are the one who suffers. You're lucky this worked out this way.
Thank all of you for your
Thank all of you for your input. I've blocked her on my phone and haven't made any contact. Since I'm self employed, I've decided to take the week off and go visit some relatives and lay low for the next week. My gut was telling me that this situation was wrong. I truly appreciate your comments.
Excellent!
Enjoy the time with your family!
That sounds terrible. I'm
That sounds terrible. I'm sorry you're dealing with that stuff.
I am not going back.
I appreciate that
I appreciate that
I've read some her posts (and
I've read some her posts (and other people's posts) and it has opened my eyes. I've been lurking and reading posts for a few months, trying to gain some knowledge of what I was getting into. I truly feel for the folks who are experiencing such rugged challenges. Thanks.
Yes, that's one of the main
Yes, that's one of the main problems. She dismisses my concerns every time we try to discuss it. Her children are rude and disrespectful to me every time I see them and she does nothing about it. When I've tried to tell her that I don't think her kids like me, her argument is that my kid doesn't like her. My son is 25 years old and lives halfway across the country. He's only met her a couple of times and he's always been cordial. I still haven't had any contact with her and I'm going to continue to hold strong. The further I get away from this, the more I see what kind of disaster I have avoided.