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Do you think this is a good idea or not?  

NobodyMom's picture

While DH supports the majority of the househould financially (since he has 2 teen sons with Ex), I do contribute as well.  Plus I contribute extras for all of us for entertainment and vacation expenses, etc...   SS19 will be going to college this Fall.  DH told him he must go full time and then he can stay at home for free as DH will support him.  Otherwise he is to work full time and pay room and board.  As I contribute the home (and to both SS to some extent), I thought DH should have a quick family meeting and sit us ALL down together to reinforce it will be "we" who will support him as he goes to college full time (must always take a full class load) otherwise and work full time and pay rent.  My reasoning is to reinforce that we are all a family (and that DH and I made decisions together) and that they are supported by me as well (fyi...their BM contibutes ZERO towards them and rarely sees them).  Since most skids neglect to realize a stepparent contributes to them as well, and I feel sometimes his sons keep me on the "outside" since we don't share DNA, I thought it would be a good idea to do this to reinforce my place in this family and that DH and are always a "team".  Whether or not SS19 will ever appreciate my contbirution, he will at least be reminded that I am not just an irrelevent adult living in this house, and that I am a contributing "parent".

justmakingthebest's picture

I see where you are coming from but have a formal sit down seems petty to me. I would just save the discussion for the next time he gets mouthy and says something related to money and who is paying. That is when you snap back at him and say look kid, I pay for plenty around here and we make decisions regarding finances. 

ndc's picture

It would have been a GREAT idea if it would have occurred to your DH in the first place to mention this to his son when the subject was first raised.  I agree that a formal sit down seems a bit much, unless it's something you do regularly in your family.

ESMOD's picture

I don't see this as a good idea.  Either your DH insists his kids treat you respectfully as an adult in the household or he does not.  Whether you both allow him to stay after HS is irrelevant in this regard.  If the intent is for the kid to somehow show gratitude to you or treat you as a 2nd mother or something... I actually think that is kind of crummy to do to the kid.  He isn't your child and I don't think he needs to treat you as a mother.  He does need to show a proper amount of respect to you as an adult in the household and behave as a member in good standing which means that he abides by rules, keeps his personal areas neat and clean and assists in a few chores for the greater good of the household.  Along with that, he should be respecting you as one of the heads of the home and if you ask or remind him to do something, he should do it (within no asking for back rubs).

I'm not sure what change you are expecting as a result of this "intervention"... and that's what it is like.  He is much more likely to resent you after such a meeting than if his father has been consistent in supporting you as his partner. 

But, the kid does have bio parents and they are the ones who should be involved with major decisions.. this is your home so you can agree or not with regards to things that impact your home but don't automatically get all authority over him just because he resides there.

NobodyMom's picture

I stated in my original post my intention and it clearly is not to be thought of as their mother, however I do in fact parent and support both teenagers in a way that supports my DH.  His bio mother does not support him at all in any way.  I support him along with his Father.  This house mine and DH's, not his mother (she never pays for anything for her sons), so I have a say in which adults can stay in our home for free which is why I am involved in this decision.

ESMOD's picture

What would you hope to accomplish with the discussion? 

I mean, that is the bottom line here.  If his kids don't respect you then that is an issue their FATHER should already be addressing and it makes no difference whether it's over or under 18.

Now, if your DH wants to have a conversation further about expectations while he lives at home... rules etc.. that's reasonable and you as an authority figure in the home can and should be present.  Your DH should be phrasing things along the lines of you both support him in this.  But, be careful because if new and strict rules seem to come about the kid is going to assume YOU put them up to it.

And in the end.. this is still not something I think is a good idea.  Either the kid respects you or he doesn't.. having a sit down over it now is probably very overdue if you feel there is a need for this conversation and probably in the category of too little to late and a failure of your DH to support you as his partner and make it clear to his kids you are a partner to him in the home.


sammigirl's picture

Now is the time to have a talk with your DH.  This was an issue with me as well, at one point, several years ago.

I took the opportunity to tell my DH that "we work together as a family, we live together as a family, we both contribute to the household support, and I expect to be included in all decisions, concerning finances and the operation of our household".  My DH agreed.  That is one area that my DH improved in for sure.  He has always consulted me when it comes to finances and I do the same with him.  Our household is "ours" and we both agree on that. 

Discuss it calmly and firmly.  Good Luck.