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Do you think a 20 yr old SD would want to move up to live with us?

Schnookie's picture

So SD (20) lives 3 1/2 hours away with her mom and her mom's boyfriend. She goes through times where nothing is going right, but yet is so vague with us about when the problem is. Mostly drama due to her with boys and school. Friends talking behind her back, her manager hates her, her coworkers are mean to her, a guy she was dating saw texts from other guy friends and got jealous and broke up with her. See my previous post about her being in a "civil union" with another guy who is dying and she promised she'd marry, which is just talk we found out. She was probably high or drunk when she wrote that. We aren't sure if she's returning to school this semester or not since she's been vague about that as well because she has anxiety and isn't sure what she wants to do. She is working as a barista at Starbucks, at least she was up to last month when she visited, but she said she hated it (due to her manager hating her) yet she's been there 6 months or so.

But H is sure he can "fix" her and enlighten her and help her find out who she is if she moved up to be with us. Honestly, I don't want the drama that she brings. Practically every visit there's always such drama, from either her raising her voice at H or vice versa or just mopey and moody. And if she does raise her voice to H, he gets offended, gives up and just goes into the other room. A lot of good that does! Moving her up here, in my opinion, isn't going to change her outlook. She can basically do the same thing here (be a barista, hem and haw about college, and brood about boys) just as she can down there. Except she has no friends up here. Her best friend is down there. And I can't see H motivated to really help her because he's got issues himself. I am thinking that as much as he would like her to live here, that she wouldn't give up all her friends there to do that.

What is your opinion? Do you think if he actually has a talk with her about coming up here, and of course making it seem like all her dreams will come true, that she would leave her life and friends there to come here? She always gets so bored when she comes up for a weekend or a week long stay that I can't see her wanting to come here unless he really makes it seem awesome.

MurphysLaw's picture

Of course she will be coming for an extended long will she stay?
For as long as she feels like it... she'll change her mind several times, but yeah, she sounds like she loves drama, misery depending how much daddy fawns over her, will determine how long she'll stay....
At 20 I had my own car, apartment, job, know a life
I just can not understand these young adults still living with mommy or daddy...smh

Let me add that, over the years that I did go back home when I needed a hand, but never stayed long, Mom had house rules, whether I was 18 or 38.

Schnookie's picture

His problem is that she was pretty much kept from him throughout her adolescence and her mother has had several boyfriends which she ended up calling "daddy", which irritated H. She'd stay with him for a week maybe and then she'd go back to her mother's never knowing when she'd stay again, and this is when they were in the same town. Then there was the time 5 years ago when she was not getting along with her mother's boyfriend and wanted to move up with us, but that never came to fruition due to her mother intervening. But then 6 months later she was calling that same guy she hated 6 months ago her dad and she hated H and said H wasn't her father. Then there was a year where she wouldn't talk to him, then they made up and things were okay, then they had another huge screaming match and she hated him again (3 years ago) and it was so bad that I had to take her to the bus station so she could go back home. Once again, they didn't speak for a year.

See the pattern? If it's going bad in one place then she is promised that it will be so much better in the other place. She needs to get away from both of them and start living life. When I was her age, I hated being back home from college for summer breaks. I couldn't wait to get away and do my own thing. As you say above, I too had my own car and a job and was paying my college apartment rent.

Honestly, what is moving her into our house going to help her with so much?! Mommy isn't helping you do anything so obviously she's given up so move up here where daddy can take care of you and help you get a good head on your shoulders.

ybarra357's picture

It will be a sheer nightmare if she moves in. She's an adult and can figure out her own way.

Schnookie's picture

I know that but try to convince H of that. I told him the other night that she needs to get away from her mom to which he of course agreed 100%, but then said that she also needs to get away from you. Well he didn't like that so much and said "No, she barely even knows who I am". And now at 20 years old you are going to mold her into the person you keep telling me she would have been had you had time with her?

sammigirl's picture

If she causes such drama again, tell her to leave; if she doesn't leave, have her thrown out, while you hold open the door. You can call Law Enforcement for keep the peace. If DH doesn't like you setting boundaries, hold the door open for him also.

I did this, it works wonders.

No more drama at our home and there won't be, or I repeat "keep the peace" and this time someone goes to jail.

I'm serious about my boundaries, just in case you were wondering.

SugarSpice's picture

that your sd was not in the life of your dh is the problem. he is trying to make up for lost parenting when the childhood of his daughter is long gone.

it will not work. the life of bm and her boyfriends is not your concern.

is it sad? yes. is it your problem? no.

too much potential for drama her. if you let sd live with you, it will be nothing short of living h#ll for the rest of your marriage. even when sd leaves the house or even marries, she will still consider your husband her b f f. non custodial daddy will soak this up like a sponge.

do you really want your sd in your marriage in definitely?

SugarSpice's picture

young adults and adolescents are constantly running back and forth between parents when the latest life crisis is upon them.

one 20 something sd came to live with me and dh when bm kicked her out of the house at 18 and then the military threw her out.

her coming added trouble to the skid already living with us and they ganged up on me.

i showed her the door when she told me to go to h@ll to my face. thankfully dh had the balls to back me up on this.

my answer is dont let her move in if you value your peac and quiet and sanity.

Schnookie's picture

She isn't a bad person, but she has issues and at this stage in both her and my life, I don't want to have those all fall in my lap. Her issues aren't going to be solved from leaving her mom's place who maybe is trying to get her to do something with her life which is stressing her out to coming here where dad will be all laid back and tell her to just chill for a while and then figure out what you want to do. I just think that if she moves here "Well, we'll never have a kid free vacation now because H wants her to see the world so she would always have to come with us. No more going out for dinner alone because SD would always be invited. Once SD turns 21 she'd come to the bars with us.

SugarSpice's picture

you answered your own question.

"I don't want to have those all fall in my lap"

sd is not a bad person but her problems are not yours to take on.

since your dh has a "stand back" approach, any problems that occur between her and you (and there will be) will go unaddressed. and it will only get worse as she gets older to have an adult sd tagging along.

you have already seen the price of this skid moving in with you. no more vacations or private dinners.

are you willing to sacrifice this for a skid who wont appreciate the sacrifice and really wont care?

as with many of us on this board, not my circus not my monkey. my husband even allows his adult skids to meddle in my personal matters such as my health concerns and retirement issues. do you want this in your future?

sammigirl's picture


Set your boundaries now and stick to them. It is easier to stop it now; I let it go for 30+ years and am still working at breaking their bad habits; my SD56 and DH are very spoiled and now it's a constant battle to hold my ground.

I am standing my ground and get more stubborn daily.

Schnookie's picture

I agree! Changing her geography isn't going to help her emotionally. It simply introduces new boy and friend problems. She has to take charge of her life.

sammigirl's picture

She might come, but won't stay long.

Do not under any circumstance be drawn into making it comfortable to her. You don't have to intentionally make it uncomfortable; with that said, disengaging and leaving her to doing everything for herself and whining to her Father, will make their bliss short.

Just keep "your" schedule with you and DH; do not include her in your to do list. You don't have to make drama or even discuss your disengagement with DH, just don't engage with her at any time for anything.

Good Luck

Schnookie's picture

The problem is, I can't be not nice to her. I may hate the fact that she's there, but I'll ask if she wants to do something or see if she wants to help me with a project. You know, I even feel bad even when it's just her and I sitting on the couch watching tv and it's 9PM and I tell her I am going to bed. Why should I feel bad about going to bed and leaving her sitting alone on the couch? I have no idea! I don't feel at all bad when I tell H I'm going to bed and leave him alone on the couch. For some reason I feel like she's taking it as "nobody wants to hang out with me".

Oh and last night on some show they were saying how Ivanka called Trump "Daddy" and I go to H, that's just a bit too much at her age. He goes "Oh I don't know, I think it's something you should keep personal but I'd be okay if my D called me Daddy". Ugh!

sammigirl's picture

This "feeling" you have is because you are a polite, nice person #1. The other reason is you care about what your SD thinks. I would just let your DH handle the entire situation.

If you let yourself be a doormat, you won't like yourself. If you don't want your SD in your home, then don't let it happen to begin with.

If you keep "arms length" with her, you and she will benefit; believe me, I've been there.

Do what your gut tells you; wish I had.

SugarSpice's picture

i agree with sammi on not making it comfortable to stay.

if she gets her meals and laundry done and she does no chores and does not have to work she will stay forever.

my brother has this situation. he is a single parent and his thirty year old son lives at home. son dropped out of college give years ago and has fantasies of being in a rock band which his father supports. the garage is filled with drums and guitars. mean while the son stays up all hours playing online games and goes to bed at five in the morning, then rises at three in the afternoon.

the son does not go to work. one reason is he wears his hair very long and dyed purple.

with so much comfort and not working my nephew will never leave home.

Schnookie's picture

The problem is, I can't find a way to not make me sound like an asshole to H by telling him how I really feel. Because when I start trying to get to the point, like the other night when he said she should move up here and I said "Well she can work as a barista anywhere", he immediately agreed to that, but I was trying to say "what's the difference if she's a barista here or a barista there. Why does she have to move here to do that"? But I didn't get that far because I could already see he was going to get defensive about it. How can I not look like the asshole of the century by saying "Yup she's having issues and she's smoking too much pot, underage drinking, but I don't want here to move here"? He will hold that over my head forever. If she gets in trouble he'll blame me for not allowing her to move here. If she quits school, he'll blame me that she didn't have anyone to guide her because I wouldn't let her move here. There's just no nice way to say it.

Schnookie's picture

Sorry for all my monologing, but things keep popping into my head Smile

Oh and then while out watching the football game on Sunday, we met this really nice woman. We started talking and she asked us if we had kids. I said that H had a daughter. She then turned to H to ask how old she is, etc. H goes "She's 20 and she currently lives with her mom. I think she should move up here, (then shrugs his shoulders and kind of looks at me) but she doesn't want to". Okay right there he admitted to this stranger that "she doesn't want to move here"! I don't know if she has said those exact words but that is apparently what he is thinking. So why is he trying so hard to get her to? Does he not see he is manipulating her to do what he wants just as her mother is? He also keeps insisting that she go into the military which will teach her discipline. He says that her problem is that she doesn't trust anyone. And moving her here will make her trust people?? :?

Merry's picture

She sounds immature for a 20 year old. My own DD was too at that age. No direction, no clue how to go forward. She finally found a direction, left the state to go back to school, and she's flourished.

But it required being responsible for her own things, my willingness to let her struggle and fail, and I insisted on counseling for her too.

Your DH's idea could work IF he requires her to have a full time job or be in school full time, save some money, and be prepared to live on her own in 3 or 6 months. If she doesn't have life skills, she needs to learn them. If he's willing to teach those life skills and not cater to her every whim, then everybody wins. If he just wants to "save her" and make her life easy, then everybody loses.

So I think you need more information about his plan to help her launch.

Schnookie's picture

Problem is, he has no plan. She is apparently going to counseling down there. He wouldn't want her to move out in 3-6 months. He'd say there's no way she could afford an apartment on her own, and there isn't. It practically costs $1000/month for a 1 bedroom around here.

I use the analogy of him wanting a dog. We have 4 cats, we are NOT adding a dog to that right now, but he so desperately wants a dog. He shows me videos of cute dogs and has even gone behind my back and sent emails to rescues asking them to hold a dog so we can come look at it. Of course nothing comes of that and he never mentions it to me. He doesn't understand that we can't just get a dog and THEN adjust our household. We have a fence that is about to fall down with several missing boards where a small dog could get out, not to mention there's a large gap under our gate. Oh he poo poos me and says he'll fix it. Well you have a list of 10 other things you need to fix first and those have been on the list for over a year! I tell him we can't leave the pet door open while we are gone then because a dog can't be running in and out of the house for 8 hours while nobody is here. He goes "Why not? If the fence is fixed, it can't get out". 1) Yes IF the fence is fixed, which it won't be and 2) No! You can't let a dog run around unsupervised! It could be barking all day long! Also I say who's going to pick up the poop and take it for walks? to which he responds "We don't need to take it for walks if it can run around in the backyard and poop is good fertilizer for the grass". However last week he said to me "We don't have room for a dog". No idea where that came from all of a sudden! Maybe he came to his senses.

See, he simply wants SD to move up here and we'll figure out everything else later, but if he would actually stop to think about it, he'll see it's just not that easy!

thinkthrice's picture

DH sounds a bit juvenile... everything will work out; ye olde one big happy family, all you need is love blah blah.

Chef is like this. Gets all excited and hyped up about something/overly optimistic then bottoms out when unrealistic expectations comes crashing down.

pinkb's picture

Interesting that this touches upon something I read today in one of my DHs ever so-helpful (yes, that was sarcasm) self help books... for other Steptalkers who know me a little my husband is very much of a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants guy (I however am more like you... I rarely ask questions that I don't already know the answers to... However much of that is learned behavior with my own (now) adult step son who takes great delight in causing a regular rift in my marriage.

Anyway, here is the general thought of the passage I read:

"Deciding in advance if a thing will always advance that thing".

The general idea was that thinking through things in advance takes away the surprises, keeps the conversation from veering off track, and makes whoever you are conversing with take you much more seriously because you're resolved, clear, and very prepared.

Or translated the exact opposite of "we will figure everything else later". Yeah, that would be a big 'ole "NO" for me.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

This is absolutely, positively, a hill to die on. BUT

Stop trying to reason with your DH. It's a waste of time because he wears parental love goggles and is still locked the post-divorce custody pick me dance. The fact that he thinks he can completely rewrite history and overhaul his ADULT daughter's very character demonstrates that he's not thinking rationally.

He's still locked in a competition he lost years ago, with his damaged, delayed daughter as the (booby) prize. So, you need to be wise enough for you both. TRAIN HIM. Don't make this about SD specifically. Make it about a framework for a happy marriage and your DH enjoying a lifestyle he couldn't with any othe adults around. Walk around the house naked; jump his bones at random times; entice him into hot monkey sex in the kitchen, living room, garage, etc. Be subtle, using actions instead of words, and he'll turn towards the good stuff and away from the drama.

LostinSpaceandTime's picture

It will be the worst nightmare of your life if she moves in. And it will keep on giving resentment and arguments long after she leaves. If she leaves.

Don't let it happen.

And she smokes pot and underage drinks too...what a joy she will be in your home. Not!

Start walking naked around the house now....act startled when DH comes in the room...say oh no I better not get used to being comfy in the house in case SD moves in.

Start leaving giant messes everywhere....say oh don't worry about will be much worse when SD lives here.

Start inviting random strangers and be sure they are underage and bring their pot with them for an impropto get together....explain to DH that it is no problem...not likely you will get busted or drug tested at work...just chill in'. Make sure some of the 'guests' feel free to take for free any of DH's clothes,, beer, etc. 'No worries DH...stranger friend Bob will return your nose hair shaver after he trims his ferrets hinny hole. 'Really DH, nothing to be upset about'.

Or just say no. Say no again. Say no each time. Apply consequences for repeated discussion or pouting on the subject. Apply consequence for the throwing you under the bus with the nice lady....he looks over at you like it is your fault SD does not want to move.

If he continues his whining, bring home boxes, start packing his stuff for his move back to Sd land. Then they can all live happily ever after and leave you the f alone!

Don't let it happen. Spend money to set her up in an apt in her town with a roommate before you put her up in your house. It will be money well spent! I am taking first months rent here...not a minute longer.
Good luck!!!!

Ispofacto's picture

Sounds like DH needs closure. He could be very resentful if he's not allowed to try.

I'd get some ground rules in writing before allowing this. No way would she be able to bring pot into my house. No overnight guests. Etc.

Then if she violates a rules, she's out, and you aren't at fault.

Acratopotes's picture

It's very simple, she's an adult thus NO she can't move in with you....

I swear if this should happen to me I will gather 2 homeless people and take them in, see how H likes that

Schnookie's picture

I appreciate everyone's input. However, I am jumping the gun with everything because I don't think he's actually asked her to move here. This is all speculation. She apparently asked him to come down this weekend (a 7 hour round trip in one day!) to watch the movie "It". This was all decided on their 1/2 hour midnight call last week when H was buzzed on beer and SD was apparently high on pot so who knows what was said. I even said to H "Really? You're going to go see that?" after he had said every time the preview came on tv "That looks so stupid". He goes "Yeah, it will be fun". Then 3 days later he tells me "I don't want to see that movie. It looks stupid". No kidding! Once again his whole "Oh I want to do something", but when he thinks about it, he really doesn't want to. Plus he fractured a bone in his foot in an accident a month ago and still hasn't seen the doctor about how much pain it's causing him and he can't be on it for very long without it hurting. So I really doubt he's going to want to make a 7 hour road trip with his hurt foot on the gas pedal to go have lunch and sit through a horrible movie. No doubt he will tell her he can't make it down because of that, but he'll tell her she's more than welcome to come up and spend a few days (or weeks) here, job and school be damned! I am just worried about what may be said between them if he does go down there. It would not surprise me if he came home from that trip with the news "SD is moving up here next weekend!" or even bring her back with him!

Schnookie's picture

OK so perfect example of WTF! Last weekend I heard more than once that H was going to drive down to see that movie with SD this Sunday. You know, the one he said would be fun and then a few days later said looked stupid and he didn't want to see. Drilling into me about how she should move up here. About how she is struggling. Here I am freaking out about him having a talk with her about living here. They haven't spoken in a week and tonight he says to me "So do you want to go down to that bar on Sunday afternoon and watch the football game?" Ummmmm okay? Obviously totally forgot about going down to see SD! Doesn't mean he won't remember tomorrow but acts all high and mighty that she needs direction and he's the one to show her but totally flakes on going to see his SD he sees like twice a year when she is having issues! THIS is why she doesn't need to move here. Total disregard for doing things that seem so important to him one day and the next he'd rather go to a bar!

still learning's picture

Can you downsize to a smaller home w/no guest room? Move into a 55+ community that has strict rules about guests (sorry I have no idea how old you are). Take over whatever space he's looking to move her into as your new craft room, office or whatever. Don't indulge him in conversations about SD coming to live w/you guys. Keep it short, lots of "hmmm's" and "uh huh's," end by saying "She's a big girl, let SD live her own life."

Schnookie's picture

We are still both under 50 so that won't do Smile But did you see my post above? How it seemed to even totally slip his mind that he was supposed to be going down to visit her this Sunday? How he asked if I wanted to go watch the game at a bar on Sunday! And not only did he bring that up to me once, about an hour later he asked me again! Obviously he really isn't all that concerned about her! Oh I totally forgot that I was supposed to come hang out with you but you definitely need to move up here so we can have time together!!

And as far as just saying "hmmm" and "uh huh". That's what I do practically every time he brings up the whole situation, but funny thing is, he sees that as me totally agreeing to have her come up! He always says "Well we talked about it and you seemed on board"! And me telling him she needs to get away and live her own life results in him saying "Well she needs someone to show her the way because it isn't just going to happen for her. That's why she needs to come up here".

Schnookie's picture

Latest SD Facebook update! 1 1/2 weeks ago she was in a "civil union". Tonight she's in a "complicated relationship"! How about you just forget about guys and drama and focus on you!! I love how she never puts up anything else about her life other than memes but let's everyone know when she's in a relationship!

Plus still no talk between them about him going down there on Sunday and I'm sure there won't be. She's too busy with her complicated relationship! Then when this one fails in a few weeks she'll start the pity party of "I'm so broken". Until she finds her next complicated relationship!

lieutenant_dad's picture

She sounds like a fairly typical 20 year old who graduated high school without a plan and parents who didn't actually push her to have a plan. She sounds a lot like my sister.

My sister went to college to get her associates degree in culinary arts. Then that got a little tough, so she switched to hospitality. After seeing some friends graduate and work as desk clerks at hotels for $10/hour, she dropped out with one semester to go and moved in with our dad. While living with dad, she had the same drama. Friends hated her, girls and guys sucked, her life was oh so pitiful. She finally (after 6-8 months) got a job, quit after 30 days, and found another a month or so later.

Now, I understand what it is like to live with my dad, and I couldn't handle it when I lived with him temporarily as an adult, but I made a plan to get out. My sister? She got mad at him one night, packed a bag, left in HIS car with the cell phone HE paid for, and moved in with friends.

That was roughly two years ago, and she's in her early 20s now. Last Thanksgiving, she got into a major fight with the family about the election and cut everyone but my brother out. So dad threatened to take the car, her health insurance, her cell phone, and anything else he paid for away. For the first time, my mother AGREED with him.

She and I met to discuss it. She was pissed that our parents were "abandoning" her when they helped me with so much. I laughed, like audibly laughed. I told her they always expected me to work and get good grades or lost everything. I told her by the time I was the age she was, I was graduated from school, had a job, and was married (that part being optional for her). I HAD to do these things whereas she had been given a pass because mom felt guilty and dad always was the big-talk-no-action guy, so she got to do whatever and get money whenever and have her life subsidized.

Whatever she heard in that conversation clicked. That, and the realization that without dad's support she would really be hosed financially and no one was going to bail her out. Her friends chatted with her, too, and explained that she had it way better than she put on, and if she wanted that to continue, she needed to get right.

I'm proud to say that she went back to school this fall to get a degree in an actual career field. She hates being poor, hates that she isn't in full control of her life and can't be unless she gets a better education/job, and hates that she has pit herself in this position. My parents coddled her out of guilt and laziness, and she got entitled. It wasn't until they both stood up and said no more that she finally looked at what she REALLY had and what her choices were that she straightened up.

Your DH needs to do the same. He shouldn't be a safe haven for a whiney adult. If she doesn't like her circumstances, she needs to fix them herself. If she isn't willing to put in all the effort, he doesn't need to lift a finger. She IS capable of finding a job to support herself, and she probably won't like it. Tough. That's life, working jobs you hate sometimes in order to get the things you want.

If he promises her the moon and the stars, she'll take it until something better comes along. The less choices he gives her outside launching, the more likely she is to launch. Unless he is truly going to help her and hold her responsible (e.g. charging rent and utilities, expecting her to work full-time or two jobs), all this will do is relocate the problem. So long as she has easy options, she'll keep taking them. If DH and BM both decide they won't be easy, she'll launch, or at least move out. Otherwise, I hate to say it, but expect to have your SD living with you intermittently for years to come.

Schnookie's picture

Well today I see comments from her grandma saying to focus on herself and her goals and even her mom chimed in with a comment saying to have an easy relationship for a change and that not everything has to be complicated. It's true though that every bf she's had always has high drama. I don't know who causes it but by the way SD is always saying her friends two time her and her managers and coworkers hate her and her mom's bf's cousin hates her, I'm guessing it all comes from her. Then she mopes and says she's broken. Get over it! Stop with the drama! At her age I was a happy person with good friends.

Well with this relationship, I can't see her want into move here. Of course there hasn't been anymore talk about it or any more talk between them.

Schnookie's picture

So H looks at his phone last night at about 7pm while we're out and goes "It looks like SD tried calling me yesterday and today". He hasn't looked at his phone in 2 days! He doesn't even call her back until 9:30. She asks if he's coming down to watch the movie with her and he just nonchalantly tells her not this weekend so she can go see it but he'll come down at some point soon. Then he asks how things are going and she gives him the sob story of how she hates her Starbucks job. And he gets all " aw I'm sorry it's not going well! I'm in the same boat as you. Sometimes I don't like my job either" Then asks if she would want to try for an asst manager job there. Not sure want she said. He then said that there's a few opportunities up here and he'd keep his ear to the ground. So that will fix her? You'll find her a menial job here??? God that makes me so angry!

Schnookie's picture

I'm sorry to go on about all this, but I just shake my head when things happen.

I KNEW when H called her as we were walking to the car on Saturday night that he'd want to hang up with her pretty abruptly once we got to the car so we could get home. As I said when he asked how she was she gave him the sob story of how she hates her job and is having boy drama. This is probably the 3rd time she has said how she hates her job but yet is still working there and has been for at least 6 months. And that's also when H said that he's got a couple possibilities for her for jobs up here and he'll keep his ear to the ground. Then he tells her as we get in the car that he has to drive and he'll give her a call tomorrow, to which she tells him that she works 5AM-2PM and he said he'd call after that. I KNEW he wouldn't call her and he didn't! He wasn't in the mood to talk to her because he was tired and was doing other things. Same for how nonchalant he was towards her on the phone after saying a week prior that he'd be down yesterday to see her and then Saturday night when she was expecting to see him the next day he just matter of factly tells her he's not coming down and they'll have to push it out to another weekend. And she is actually considering coming up here because he can make everything right for her? Why? He can't even talk to her for 10 minutes without wanting to get off the phone...and that's after talking about unimportant stuff like movies and video games.

And he is going to make everything better for her if she moves up here??? He can't seem to be bothered to talk to her very long and then when she is here he kind of tunes her out after a while because she's talking about stuff that either doesn't interest him or she doesn't have her facts straight. And rather than tell her the facts (because that irritates her and we don't want her irritated on her visits!) he just goes okay and goes on with whatever. They go for months without talking, he won't even ask her if she's attending classes.

If he can't even have meaningful conversations with her over the phone once a month, then how in the hell is he going to help her up here? And I'm sorry, but if she doesn't like her job it's not up to daddy to find her a new one! Welcome to working life! You don't always love your job! And it can't be THAT bad if she's still there! She lives in a suburb of a city that is over 600,000 people! If she can't find a job there, she's going to find one up here?