Do you just give in??
So SD has been with us since the beginning of October because of her awful behavior and running away at BM house. So since she has been here there hasn't been any major problems for us with her. So now DH is going back and forth with BM about future custody. I have said I didn't want to do full time with her being in virtual school and my twins. I feel DH doesn't really want send her back over there and mom doesn't really want her there either..... so I feel like I'm the only person not ok with situation. It's very lonely and hard for me. I know I'm suppose to want to do what's in the best interest of the child, but I feel like they are teaching her to run away from her problems and not deal with the issue between her and BM. I am at a loss for what to do. Do I just fall back and deal with this for 4 or 5 more years or do I fight it and deal with it causing tension in my marriage?
If BM won't take her back,
If BM won't take her back, then there isn't much your DH can do except take her. BUT, if your DH does take full custody, he needs to take full custody. He needs a new CO. BM needs to be paying CS. He needs to become the custodial parent and get SD enrolled in school in your district. He needs to get SD established with a therapist so she can work through her issues with BM. He has to find someone to mind SD - you won't be the free babysitter just because you're home. AND SD needs to live with you all for at least a year - no going back and forth just because she gets pissy with DH.
I'd lay that out for him. Lay out all that HE HAS TO DO to keep YOU happy AND to keep your marriage healthy. SD needs stability, and he has a responsibility to supply that. Your kids and you need stability, too, and if he is the cause of that instability, then he needs to fix the problems to make it stable.
If you're not great at talking this through, try writing him a letter with your thoughts or writing yourself a script for when you do talk to him. Schedule a time to talk so you both have a chance to think about it and come at it logically and calmly. Use a therapist to help with this if you have to.
Also, know what your actions will be if he won't do this. None of this is unreasonable to expect, and if he won't meet these pretty basic conditions, then you need to decide how you'll react. Know that upfront and tell him how you'll act. Then act on that if he doesn't follow through.
ALL OF THIS!
ALL OF THIS!
Thank you for all this! I 100
Thank you for all this! I 100% agree with everything you said
If DH wants custody, then he
If DH wants custody, then he makes arrangements for her parenting and care that don't involve you. So easy for him to say he wants it when he doesn't have to do the work.
Agree
It's easy for DH to WANTS , it another for him to do the work , not dump her on you, He must make a plan for SD to get out of your hair , You not dealing with her 24/7. He has to start making breakfast for her, get her into some program that she out of the house in the daytime.
He must cook dinner and clean up or get her to clean up ECT
No, you nor anyone else
No, you nor anyone else should be worrying about what is best for this kid. Everyone should be worrying about what is best for everyone involved with primary kid focus being on the young ones that are YOURS.
If you want to resolve all of this, put very clear and strictly enforced standards of behavior in place that this kid will comply with when in your home. SD will run screaming away from structure much like she ran screaming away from BM. Where she will go... nobody knows.
Even a failed family progeny worshipping daddy should comprehend the need for structure, standards of behavior, and enforcing those standards.
For sure, neither you, nor your young children should be sacrificed to this entitled kid from your DH's past. She can stay in the home... IF, note the big IF, she complies with the standards of behavior and performance in the home and family and is contributory to the blended family rather than a detractor from the home and family.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.