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Do you hide your emotions ?

Ocean1234's picture

After reading forums I realized finally I am not alone feeling like I dread when SD comes over. Recently within the last 6months I've grown to dislike her very much, I think it mostly stemmed from me always taking her places, playing with her, buying her things all for it to be thrown out the door when daddy comes home. It's like I didn't do sh!t for her. I finally blew up after 6months of keeping it in and me and my SO got into an argument over her. He works 12 hour days and comes home to spend what little time he has all with her. I hide in the room or I want to be as far away from them as possible. Everything she does irritates me. My question for you guys is how do you cope with it ? Do you show your emotions around your SO and step kids or do you act like everything is fine and engage with your step children. I'm having a hard time even wanting to play with her and get her dressed in the morning. I don't want to hate her but she's up her dads butt all the time and he just spends all his time with her when she's here. 

nappisan's picture

is she with you fulltime and wheres her BM ?   If your DH works 12hr days , where are you considered in this whole thing and why are you resposible for this little girl all the time?  

Rags's picture

Immediately ween them off of you.  Stop getting her ready in the AM.  When she wants or needs something send her to her dad. If he isn't home tell her that it will have to wait until her dad gets home and she can ask him then.

Stop being the live in child care/beck and call girl.  The 12 hours your SO is at work, you be at work, or out doing things you have to do or just enjoy doing.  Put childcare on your SO.

And.... set the evening schedule so she has homework time after her dad gets home that he must spend as couple time with you.  Set an early kid bed time and enforce it.  After bedtime is couple time.

How old  is this kid by the way?

As for sharing your emotions with your SO and SD.... If you are trying to troubleshoot a problem emitions wont help.  They are not intellectual tools and they never result in particularly sound decisions.  You are in an emotionally tense situation and your SO is emotionally on edge as well. Not a good recipe for success in aligning and moving forward successfully together.

I would suggest that you approach SO calmly to outline the issues, stating your stipulations for resolving the issues, then implementing whatever you and your SO come up with as a resolution.  

Emotion has its place, but usually not in resolving relationship disconnects.


Wicked stepmo.'s picture

How old is she? If she is younger I would not let my feelings be known. Just set healthy boundaries and stick to them. 

My SKs are teenagers and I have no issues letting them know that how I treat them and respond to them is directly based on their behavior towards me.

Ocean1234's picture

SD is 3 and we have a newborn so I've been on edge extra and thank you I've literally told him so many times I feel like a live in babysitter he just doesn't get it !!! And right now the baby needs attention 24/7, she's supposed to be with us Thursday night to Sunday night occasionally til Monday morning but BM is so unreliable and unstable she will text him whenever she pleases and drops her kid off a whole day early sometimes so we will have her almost 5 nights a week. He acts like he only gets her one day and admitted to spending more time with her because he feels guilty that she has to have a split house. SD is attached to him so bad already she can't play for 5 min by herself and if daddy walks out of the room she instantly notices and has to follow him everywhere. His mother & grandma don't help either everyone spoils her and keeps her occupied so the child is never alone and always has people doing for her. Sorry that's long it's so nice to have people relate to you and not feel bad that you feel how you do. I'll admit I haven't been the nicest SM lately I am sure she notices that I don't want to be around her and when we sit on the couch together she Just has to come over and sit on his lap and he holds her. 

Tried out's picture

that a good part of what you're feeling toward your SD has less to do with her and much more to do with the situation you're in. 

A newborn, user BM and a DH that allows BM to use you, plus your DH working 12 hour shifts is a recipe for anger and resentment, and rightly so.

Even if your being a SAHM depends on not having to pay for daycare for your SD you're still being treated unfairly by your DH. The bottom line is that BM can dump her kid on you only if your DH allows her to.

Who takes care of the kids when your DH is not at work? If I were you, I'd carve out big chunks of me-time with no kid responsibilities every day he's home. You deserve it.

I'm assuming the SD schedule is based on when your DH is off. If it isn't, that needs to change.

And my hill to die on would be that he stops agreeing to extra SD time unless he's off. 



Ocean1234's picture

Yesss !!! Thank you. He seems not to see it this way. He always expects me to care for her the whole time she is here and he lets his BM do whatever ( that is another story for another day, she is awful ) but he will let her drop off his kid at the house whenever she wants even if it's not on his days. And at first everything was good but there's too many hands in the pot. There Me the BM the dad and then when she is with her mother who knows where else she is being sent off to I know she goes to aunts and grandmas house and EVERYONE parents differently. The situation is a disaster but the BM is bi*** and does what she wants when she wants and thinks she's the only one who can set rules and how things should be done for SD. He thinks if I'm going to be a step mom one day I should care for her the whole time she's here and I mean it's bad when I say she needs attention I know normal kids don't need as much as her. He saves all of the laundry, dishes, things he wants to fix around the house for the days he doesn't have her because he feels he can't do those things when she is here because he gives her attention the whole time she never leaves his side so I feel like I'm off on the sidelines. 

Tried out's picture

a step mom one day? So he sees this time as an audition or what? His entire take on this is bizarre.

I think the question you have to ask yourself is this a situation you can live with? It sounds as if you've been doing what he wants and you're not happy. If you tell him no, what happens then?

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Thier is nothing wrong with encouraging kids to be able to self soothe, play alone or entertain themselves.

It'sc actually unhealthy for a parent to not encourage appropriate levels  independence at each stage if development and establish themselves as the child's entertainment director. 

tog redux's picture

Why are you the go to babysitter? Also, the child is three, you may be expecting too much from her.  Her mother dumps her off at every opportunity and her father isn't around much, no surprise she's needy. 

ESMOD's picture

True... and tbh.. it's not as "easy" to send a 3 yo off to play without adult supervision... an older child perhaps.. and for short amounts of time.. but a 3 yo is just not equipped to do a lot of "independent" play.  Now, I absolutely agree that it is not necessarily OP's job to provide that oversight and care.. but it makes sense her DH does spend a lot of time with a 3yo.. because OP, reasonably wants to spend time with HER child and someone has to be with the 3yo.

Perhaps some daycare could be arranged to help give OP a break? 

Mich325's picture

The resentment won't go anywhere. You'll just feel more tired and fed up as tome passes. When your partner isn't supportive it makes none of it worth it. I regret my decision to enter this marriage daily. Dealing with similar issues. Bio mom says no all the time and can't do this or that. The burden then falls on me. The kid is home with me all the time. When I showered attention, gifts, and affection, it meant nothing because my DH allowed his son, BM, and other family members to disrespect me. I disengaged and it did wonders for my mental health. I say start saving your money and formulating a plan to leave eventually. If your needs don't matter now, they never will. I told my DH I wanted a divorce and he's made some changes. Unfortunately I have already checked out and I'm only still living with him because I need to do some more planning. We have a 4 year old together. I pray you find peace in your life again, and I hope that your husband comes to his senses before you reach a point of no return. 

Maxwell09's picture

Three year olds require a lot of attention. They also are the most selfish little humans out there giving teens a run for their money. I think you need take a step back and realize a three year old isn't going to be gateful you played with her all day. She will be excited to see her dad, as she should, because he is her dad. All toddlers run to their parents when they see them (think daycare pick ups, going to grandmas, etc) You really shouldn't let that cause resentment. I think you are burned out and probably took on way too much with so much already going on. My advice would be to talk to your DH about seeing if you can have a break from watching her. Have her go to grandma's for a few hours or an evening until Dad can go pick her up on his way home. (or a mommys-day-out program that does a few hours a couple days a week) And I would suggest yall prioritize yalls relationship as well. 

The_Upgrade's picture

Paint this picture for your SO. You're not coping and so close to your breaking point. When you finally have your meltdown you're going to take your baby away and leave. Which means he'll be guilty daddy to not one but TWO kids. On top of that he'll be responsible for arranging for SD's care since the live in nanny is gone. So how about he goes into damage control before the nuclear explosion, arrange for certain days that are off limit days where you know you'll be able to catch a break and recharge. Trying to wrongly guilt you into taking care of his daughter won't change the fact that you're not coping. It's not fair to you because it's not your responsibility, it's not fair to SD because her needs aren't being met by her actual parents. So he either finds a solution to help you cope or deal with the fallout.