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DJ and BD14

stepmominhiding's picture

I'm coming here asking what yall's opinion is about this. 

 

BD and DH have a bad relationship.  BD almost refuses to acknowledge DH. She will not initiate any conversation with DH as it usually ends in her being in trouble with him. 

IMO DH is wrong. 

DH feels as though BD argues too much with him.  And that her only response should be yes sir, or she should just believe what he tells her. 

DH is intelligent, but so is BD. They both are hard headed.  And they are both very opinionated. DH will read something somewhere, and bring up what he read,  BD will usually have read something else about the same topic, that has differing views and offer up what she read, and her opinion on it.  DH will then tell her no, she's wrong.  She'll explain that she read something different,  but that it is correct. DH will then (here's where I think he's wrong)  start getting angry and saying that BD is arguing with him,  that she thinks she's right when he's read it off of a reputable site, and BD shouldn't be arguing. 

Like this whole James Charles thing,  BD has watched all the videos between him and that girl.  She's also read articles about  what's going on. DH only just read articles and never watched the videos (I don't blame him). He brought up the article. 

DH- hey,  BD did you hear about the James Charles thing? 

BD - well this is what I think after watching the videos

DH - well no,  you're wrong, this is what's happening, I read it on an article.

BD - I read an article too, but I also watched the actual videos. 

DH to me - see? All she does is argue!

BD - how am I arguing? We're just having a discussion.

Me - is she not allowed to have a discussion with you?  Ya'll  both read articles, she watched the videos. Im not saying any one is right or wrong in this discussion, I think thre can be differing views without it being an argument. 

And of course DH was angry with me for not taking his side (i took no sides) 

Am I completely wrong? DH seems to be WANTING fights with BD, to me it seems that any time BD has a difference of opinion from DH that he calls it arguing.  

Am I wrong,  should I be correcting her?  I don't want to be one of those parents that is blind to her bad behavior. 

stepmominhiding's picture

Sorry,  title is supposed to read DH, I'm on my phone and my phone doesn't like our acronyms

I'm out's picture

Hi, is bd your dh's daughter too or does she have a different dad? And if so does your DH have any children of his own? I definitely don't think you're missing anything on your bd's end it just sounds to me like your DH hasn't really dealt with teenagers before and seems to think they should act as children still. Although even small children are allowed a point of view 

stepmominhiding's picture

BD is my daughter from previous marriage.  DH has a daughter that is the same age as BD. We got together when our daughters were 6yo. I agree with what your saying, and that's how I raised my Kurds, to have an opinion.  BD is very hard headed and incredibly intelligent, I'd like to attribute that to the way I raised her. 

I'm out's picture

Then don't let him break her spirit. I'm sure that's not what he's trying to do, he probably doesn't even realise he's doing anything wrong at all but she sounds like a great kid with a bright future, she should be encouraged to have strong opinions not shot down for expressing them. 

It could well be he just doesn't know how to relate to teenage girls, I know you said he has his own but for a man a teenage girl must seem pretty daunting. I would definitely have a firm word with him and hopefully he'll pull back a bit Smile

GrabitAndGo's picture

Sounds like your DH is being a baby because your BD has a different opinion or point of view, and can back it up.  Tell him not to ask any questions unless he can handle whatever answer he gets.  

susanm's picture

Is he like this with other people or just BD?  Some people apparently believe that all thoughts or beliefs need to be defended to the death or you don't really hold true to them.  That seems a little extreme to me and frankly more than a little alienating.  I mean, arguing bitterly over James Charles?  Unless you are James Charles or have lost money due to his demise, that is rather a waste of emotion, KWIM?  Especially for a grown man.  You would think he would be smart enough to pick his battles rather than argue over everything with a teenage girl.  Is he that desperate for respect?

Dads_Wife's picture

So I'll be 30 the end of this year and I had to look up the whole James Charles thing. Why in the world does your husband even care about that? Does he not have a full time job or actual adult articles to read? Why is this a thing? I'm too busy reading useful articles on real estate and planning my retirement to even think about some beauty blogger. Jesus.

stepmominhiding's picture

Im sure he just saw the article and read it because he knows that all our girls like watching his videos and have been talking about the controversy.

ITB2012's picture

This reminds me of my mom and dad. My dad and I liked to spar intellectually starting when I was about 15 and had some clue about things. We’d have some heated discussions. My mom came in after a couple of these and told us to stop arguing and one of should just concede that the other is right. We looked at her dumbfounded: we didn’t think we were arguing and we told her that we’d each never concede. My mom looked at us dumbfounded: if neither of you are going to change you mind why fight? We told her: because it’s fun. She shook her head and walked away.

Your DH views stating an opinion or a fact that doesn’t align with his view as arguing and being difficult. Is he open to the idea that people have different opinions and your daughter is at the point that she is forming her own? That she’s not being a rebel, she’s contributing to the conversation? 

stepmominhiding's picture

That's how I see it as well,  I raised my kids to have opinions and to be able to hold their own in a conversation.  I feel like DH should see it as a conversation/ discussion and keep am open mind theat other people have opinions or have read articles that have differing views than articles he's read. Sometimes things aren't just black or white. 

Powerfamily's picture

 Your Dh is being unreasonable.   Your dd is entitled to her own opinion even if it different to his.   I would like to assume he looked up this James Charles thing to engage in a conversation with Bd, But it really sounds like he only looked it up to create an arguement. 

Mominit's picture

I'm going to disagree and say both are wrong.  I hate arguing.  HATE it.  I don't mind a calm debate, but when both people dig in because they "KNOW" they're right, it's time for the discussion to stop.  Even if one of them is saying water isn't wet. 

Teenagers are a$$es.  They love being right.  And if they can be right and prove a parent wrong...heaven!  Parents are older and are supposed to be mature.  But having a kid go toe to toe with you ALL THE TIME, is exhausting!  My SS and I had some doozies!  On things that absolutely didn't matter.  Because he really respected me and to argue with me and prove himself right was a huge bump up to his ego.  I on the other hand have a hard time backing down from an argument.  Because I won't start one unless I'm pretty sure I'm right.

So in this case, maybe he was wrong in his facts or opinions were uniformed.  But why did the argument need to happen?  Why couldn't she say, I read differently.  He says no I read this.  She realizes that he isn't actually interested in being told he's wrong she's right and she says "Interesting, I hadn't seen it that way". He realizes he was just trying to start a conversation and spend time with her and says "It's an interesting topic".  And they BOTH shut up!!!

Neither is blameless here.  Teenagers need to check their non-stop need to be right (especially at the expense of a parent).  Parents need to pick their battles.  And those two in particular need to know that they shouldn't even try. 

When my SS and I realized that we are horrible arguers (we can debate with many people, but against each other we were horrible at it for years) we stopped. We tried very hard not to engage or have any opinions around each other.

Let your husband know, I lived through it.  At around 18 it slowed down.  Once SS wasn't trying to find his place in the pecking order, he became a much better debater.

 

 

 

stepmominhiding's picture

Thank you for this insight, I need someone to tell ne the other side of what I'm seeing so that I can understand where DH is coming from.  I appreciate it 

beebeel's picture

I agree with this. Teens can be insufferable know-it-alls when they have but a fraction of logical reasoning skills. It can be a maddening combination. Teen girls particularly seem to love playing the devil's advocate. Are you certain she isn't being contrary just to get a rise out if your DH?

stepmominhiding's picture

I don't think so. She'd rather not talk to him at all. She hates that anytime she expresses her opinion that he automatically gets angry with her. She typically won't even speak to him, but if he initiates a conversation she'll respond. If I'm in the room she'll have a full on conversation since I'm there to defend her, If I feel dh is being responsible,  or to tell her to stop talking if I sense DH is beginning to get frustrated so that she doesn't get him full on angry. She usually can sense it and shuts up,  but sometimes she'll be really into the "discussion", and can't sense it. But from what I can tell, she's not trying to get a rise out of him. If she was, I think she'd be more opt to either initiate discussions with him, or participate in discussions when I'm not around. 

beebeel's picture

Hmmm. Well if she only engages him when you're around to "defend" her, that sounds like she's playing a game to me. She only talks to him to share an opinion that's contrary to his? That would be extremely frustrating as a stepparent. She can't be bothered to say "hi" or "hey thanks for ...." but she suddenly has words when she wants to spout an opinion? She doesn't engage with him when you're not around because she knows he will shut that shit down. I think your daughter is more of a problem here than you are willing to admit. 

Some people think it's rude for a kid to contradict an adult. If the only interaction your kid has with her SF is to contradict him, and you've allowed this to go on for how long? He is getting angrier and angrier as time goes on because the only thing he gets from your kid is disrespect. 

Perhaps if you had raised her to say hello to the people paying the bills when she walks through the door, they would have a few positive interactions to balance out these negative ones.

stepmominhiding's picture

Im here looking for help,  I am open to opinions that differ from mine, that's what I'm actually looking for. Im just saying that other than responding to questions, or like you said, hi, or thank you,  she doesn't engage in full discussions without me around, which she knows I'll stop if it needs to.l, she will stop if she senses it frustrating DH,  but she doesn't always sense it.  Sometimes,  as soon as BD doesn't agree, DH will call it fighting. 

The only thing is that imo she's not ACTIVELY looking to get a rise out of DH. She waits until im around to play referee, so that things don't get out of hand.  That's the easy i see it.  I will definitely look into intentions more deeply next time this happens though,  so thank you for bringing that up as a possibility. 

Aniki's picture

Beebeel makes a good point. Even if your BD is NOT doing this intentionally, is it possible your DH believes that she is?? 

ITB2012's picture

DS does this. He will do small talk with DH but he won't express a deep opinion or have a conversation about a larger, controversial topic with DH alone. And DS won't do it even with me in the room. DS will have those kinds of opinion/argument/viewpoint kinds of conversations with me in private.

DH tends to get overly sensitive about arguing. He doesn't like to be wrong so if he thinks it's more of an argument than a discussion and he doesn't have a response or enough facts to back up his side he starts to get anxious and upset. That's where it's a "game" in that you don't know how he's viewing it until he hits the tipping point.

And DS does not goad DH into an argument. If he goads anyone into one, it's me.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Your DH needs to disengage. I do not make chit chat in any way with stepdemon. He is not my responsibility nor my peer.

stepmominhiding's picture

I wish he would sometimes, but it's hard for him because BDs' dad isn't in the picture, and DH has been there since BDs were young. I have told him he doesn't have to be their dad,  I've played the mom and dad role for 7 years (since oldest BD), that it's ok. 

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Oh.

hopefully their relationship will improve once she is out on her own. My mother and I used to fight like cats and dogs. I am not even joking. It was ugly and she is my real mom ffs!

It took a long time but we’re at peace with each other, now. My DH enjoys having her around. I believe my mother enjoys being around me, now. 

We are both very, very stubborn.

Siemprematahari's picture

Your daughter is entitled to her opinion and she's not being rude about it. Your H saying she's "wrong" is very childish and just because she doesn't agree with him doesn't mean she is being arguementative. I think his issue is  that she's not agreeing with his opinion on whatever topic they are discussing. He has to realize that it's ok to "agree to disagree". You are raising a daughter that thinks for herself and standing firm in her beliefs. I would never discourage that. Go girl Biggrin

 

stepmominhiding's picture

Thank you, I definitely won't stop her from having her own opinion on things,  but maybe to have it come out in a different way.  Maybe it's the way she's expressing her opinion?  I really don't know.  But im not going to let her be a meek docile girl.  

Siemprematahari's picture

Maybe it's the way she's expressing her opinion?

It could be your daughters delivery OR how your H is receiving it......I think you have to be there to see the interactions and view it from a place of objectivity and see for yourself what exactly is happening when they have these "discussions/arguments".

flmomma08's picture

I'm a little torn on this. I have a BD and a SD. On one hand, I am trying to raise my BD similar to yours, to have her own opinion and be able to hold her own/defend it. BUT the SM in me would be extremely annoyed if this was the only type of interaction I ever had with my SD and I probably would stop engaging with her all together.

ndc's picture

My dad is like this.  I can be having a discussion with my mom or my sisters (or him) and we'll disagree on a topic and my dad will get mad and tell us to stop arguing and fighting.  Of course, we're NOT arguing and fighting, we're having a spirited discussion, but he nevers sees it that way.  I always viewed it as a male/female thing, but maybe not.  

If your daughter is not being disrespectful, then I think your husband should let her express her opinion and not take things personally.  Sometimes it's a fine line, though, and he might take as disrespectful something that was not intended that way and didn't sound that way to you.  Other than discussing it with him, I don't know what else you can do.