IMO your expectations are selfish and unrealistic and based solely on what’s good for you. You want this man to pay your bills, leave his financial security behind to take on a white knight role. That’s not love. That’s greed.

You say you get CS, but it’s not enough to pay for everything for your kids. Well, CS isn’t supposed to be your ticket to a life of ease.  It’s to help, but as the other half of the couple that created the kids, you are to pay for half of their needs.  If you are in debt, that’s for you to solve on your own.  Not by finding a new victim, I mean man, in your life to pave the way to easy street.

Also, these aren’t your BF kids.  He will never love them like his own.  That’s unrealistic.  He’s kind and courteous to them.  That’s great!  Nothing else, especially not saving their picture as his screen saver, is realistic.  

In short, pull on your big girl pants, solve your own problems (example: can’t afford your own home?  Get a roommate, get a second job; there are options where you can solve your own problems instead of expecting others to swoop in and pay your bills) and leave this seemingly kind, financially secure man alone.  

Start the new year by being an improved, self-sufficient you!  

Whoooo Boy.

I'm not sure if you're with the wrong man...but it sounds like he's definitely with the wrong woman. 

A lot to unpack here. Um. Let's start with the first one. Why on earth would you ever expect anyone to love YOUR kids like their own? He may grow to love them...but he's not their bio-father, and no one is going to have that bio-connection to those kids that you and your Ex have. 

That right there is an insane expectation. 

Second one: Child Support isn't meant to be enough to cover all the kids needs. They have two parents who are equally responsible for supporting them. 

You should move on and find another divorced man with children.  That way, you are both dealing with the same issues and both will be expected to suck it up and take it for each other’s children.  You can both have your head-in-the-sand about what perfect angels your kids are and both have the expectation that you are supposed to love each other’s kids to death, and you will both have to deal with the realities or, I should say, consequences of what goes along with those “expectations.”

On the other hand, when a single-never married man (or woman) partners up with a divorced parent, the expectations from all are that the single, childless person will suck it up and take it every time for the other’s children.  And, those expectations aren’t just from the divorced partner—they’ll be there from society as a whole too.  As you so clearly allude to in your post, people will expect the single partner to take on all of the issues and difficulties with your children, the single partner will be expected to love them as if they were their own, and the single partner will be expected to financially support someone else’s children as well, on some sort of level.  And, in addition, the single partner will be expected to do this all without complaining or expecting so much as a thank you from any of the kids.

The single person will also be expected to suck it up and take it every time for anything you or bio-dad or anyone from the initial family wants.  As far as most are concerned, you and bio-dad can go about your business, hanging out with each other, on vacays even, like the divorce never even occurred, and the formerly single person you just married will be expected to suck it all in and let you and the initial family enjoy yourselves while you, as a woman, get to enjoy the benefits of basically having two husbands.  It is just that one of them, you claim to no longer be having sex with.

Again, that is not just your expectations.  That is society’s as well.  And, since the single person was single, they won’t see any of this coming—they’ll just think they are marrying their love, and that their love comes with “bonus” children.  So, as I’ve said before, the best “deal” for both is if a divorced woman with children marries a divorced man with children.

Why would he comply with your wishes in this?  What is in it for him?  The joy of paying for someone else's kids and having them interfere on a daily basis with his marital happiness?  You have made it painfully clear what is it in it for you.  This is obviously a losing proposition for him the way things currently are and he knows it.  The difference between his situation and that of the majority of people here is that you were not smart enough to keep your agenda well hidden until you had the ring on your finger.

First off, I appreciate your blog. It comes at such an apt time. Your questions, feelings and the responses are the appropriate writings I need to show someone later who is looking at a similar proposition/situation - although it is that of  the step parent. I am a bioparent and a stepparent. I am writing to you as a mother, a bioparent.

Right off the bat, you need to know that you are in the wrong relationship with the wrong person. However you are in a wrong relationship with yourself. It is not your significant other (SO) who is the stumbling block in your relationship: it is you and your expectations. They are utterly unrealistic and self-centred. If you do not fix this and change your thinking, every relationship you go into, and this one, is going to result in your SO being wary of your parenting and possibly seeing you as looking for a meal ticket, a gold digger wanting to be rescued from your own financial distress.

You need to understand and accept, that no one except you, is responsible for your financial situation. You need to work on constructive ways to change and better your financial position. Get CS reviewed if you can, however, CS is supposed to cover around half of your kid's needs. You made the decision to have children with your ex. It is your joint responsibility to support those children - without an expectation that either of you cover all the costs on your own.

Your SO has zero financial responsibility to you or your children. None. There is a mild whiff of resentment on your part that your SO has made different choices and is able to live a financially independent and child-free existence unlike your own. You stating that a measure of his love for you and the kids would mean that he moved in and helped you financially? Woo boy, if he were my friend, I would tell him to run.  As far away from you as he could.

If you want your SO to like or love your children, they need to be likeable and lovable to start with. How appealing are territorial, generally misbehaved and disrespectful children to you? From my perspective, it would make your SO even less likely to want to move in with you or formalise a relationship with you. He is wise in doing this. You need to rein in your children and get better control of them. At a minimum, they need to be respectful and decently behaved. The best you can hope for is that any SO is cordial and respectful to your children, and accepting of them. Anything else is a bonus. No one, no one!!, will love your children like you do. Other non-biological care givers, like teachers, do not love your children like you do. What makes your SO different?  It is unrealistic in the extreme to expect any partner to love your kids the way you do.  They may, in time, come to love your children, howvever you have to create an environment where your partner has a basis to first like them. In your case, you haven't.

Please carefully read the advice you got above from other posters and  will get after this too. You are not being criticised, but getting a dose of home truth reality. You hold the key to righting your thinking and expectations, relationship and changing it going forward. The problems are being pointed out to you. Ignore it at your own peril and repeat your situation where you question your partner's suitability. It will remain Groundhog Day until you make the change.

I dont love my step kids at all, forget loving them like my own. Sorry that doesnt happen very often.

I have a genuine concern for their well being because I love my husband and want him happy. If my husband died, id ship them back to their mom before he was in the ground. They live with us full time, I'd have them clear out their things quick so I can sell the house that I cant afford on my own. So him getting along and caring for your children is a big bonus. Im pretty aggravated by my skids daily. I work til 6 and don't come home til 8 or 9pm to avoid them almost every day.

Wow.

"For example on his screensaver he has a photo of his dog or me, not my kids like I had hoped."

I've been in my stepdaughter's life for 5 years now and I don't have her photo as my screensaver. If I'm being honest, I have about 1000+ photos of my 14 month old on my phone and maybe 3 of her. As others mentioned, I care about her well-being and I do have love for her, but nope, not my kid. If I had her as my screensaver, I'd just be reminded of BM all the time because she looks so much like her. 

Cue the Kanye.. "not sayin she's a gold digger..."

Seriously honey.. your BF is doing the EXACT.RIGHT.THING.  He isn't rushing into things for less than admirable reasons.

1.  It's not his fault.. nor his responsibility to fix your messed up financial situation.  he didn't have kids he couldn't afford.  He didn't run up his credit cards.. he isn't maintaining a lifestyl he can't afford.  That's 100% on you and he absolutely should be in no rush to hitch his life to your shaky financial foundation. He is perfectly correct to be holding out to see if you can get your financial act together.

2.  Relationships are about compromise... you wanting him to move into your place puts him in a bad situation too.  If it ever comes to this point (and I kind of hope it doesn't for his sake).. it sounds like it would be better for you to move to his area (the distance isn't too big for visitation and your kids can change schools)... his place is paid for.. his job is there etc.. alternately.. perhaps as a married couple you would buy a new home together somewhere that is convenient for everyone?

3.  He is not your children's father.  He doesn't have to be.. he isn't and he isn't going to have that warm and fuzzy feeling of unconditional love when your kids are acting like little aholes and you just want to "enjoy their presence".  Your kids have two parents. If your EX isn't stepping up.. you step up 2x as hard.. you don't push parenting off onto this guy.  He is also absolutely doing the RIGHT thing by your kids by not pushing you all together until he is sure that is what is best for everyone.  He is taking it slowly.. treating your kids well and letting you parent your kids.  no issue there.

Honestly.. you are expecting him to save you from yourself.. but you know what.. whereever you go.. there you are.  He won't make you better at managing your money.  He won't make your kids better people.. He won't fix what is wrong with your life because you have created the problems..and he isn't going to be able to "fix you".

Now, don't get me 100% wrong.  I'm sure you aren't a horrible person.. but I do think you are much more worried about what life has done "to you" and what he can do "for you" vs what you can do for life and for him.  I think you need to do a little soul searching and try  to see his perspective.. why would he want to permanently hitch himself to a woman with two kids with iffy attitudes who has spent herself into the poorhouse (no matter whether your EX pays his share or not).. you should be making up the difference by your work.. not through a relationship.

Your SO is a wise man. I love my DH with all my heart, but boy, do I sometimes miss those "child and crazy ex" free days, living in my own lovely home alone.  I don't love my skid and I never will.  I used to like him, but no longer. 

He's right to doubt your parenting and your expectations of him.  I'm kind of wondering why HE is dating YOU.

What exactly are you offering this man? You can't afford your own lifestyle, you admit your kids are being unruly, territorial, and clingy, and you refuse to move making your SO's commute worse. He isn't getting much out of this, which tells me that he either does truly love you or he can't give up some aspect of your relationship, healthy or otherwise.

Bluntly, marrying you would knock him back, not propel him forward or even keep him neutral. If you want to keep him:

1.) Get your finances in order, even if that means downsizing. It's not his job to help lift the financial burden of your children - that is between you and your ex.

2.) Get your kids straightened out. Stop them from being clingy. Stop them from being unruly. Demand their respect as their mother, and make them extend it to your SO.

3.) Lower your expectations. Your SO isn't wired to love your kids as his own, and your kids already have a father who loves them. If their father isn't the father you had hoped he would be, that is on YOU to deal with, not hoisted upon your next partner to fill in the gap. You chose the father for your kids, for better or worse, and you have to live with that. It's not your SO's responsibility to come in and save you from your choices.

Your SO is being smart. He sees the issues and is waiting for you to correct them on your end. If you don't want to, then let him go. It sounds like he does just fine on his own.

This has the smell of a fake post... It seems crafted to get people riled up. Not loving OP's kids as his own and dogs on the screensaver instead of skids is what got me.

This post screams enititlement. It is no one's responsibility but yours and your kids' father to support your kids financially. NO ONES!!!!!! Also no one will love your kids like you and bio dad do because those are not their kids. Could you love someone else's kids like your own? NO!!!! Why should anyone else be different? You choose to have children with your ex. This is no one's fault but yours and your exes. The responsibility should not be pushed off on others whom they have no relation to your kids whatsoever.  However if you want this man to want to marry you here are some things that might help.

1. Teach your kids how to be respectful and kind. When they act disrespectful, rude, entitled, spoiled, mean, clingy, etc. it is time to step up your parenting and be consistent.  

2. Get your finances in order. This is no ones resposnibility but yours. Create a budget and stick to it. Seek out financial advice. Have a plan to pay off your debts. If you need another job, get one. If you need to sell your house and downsize do so. Sure you love the kids' schools but if you can't pay your bills you could end up homeless or living with grandma/grandpa. What good are those schools then? As far as CS is concerned if it is not enough have it adjusted. 

3. Compromise. Consider moving and buying a home together that works for both of you, not just you. Stop being so selfish.

I dont believe you actually love this man but I do believe he loves you considering he is still with you after all of this.

It’s bad enough looking at their faces in real time. Lol.

This post has to be bullsh1t though surely?! If not, they walk among us!

In the event that this is a real post, why on earth would your SO move into YOUR house?? He has the better job, his is paid for, and you live an hour from his (better) job. This makes no sense. So he is then either driving an hour each way in order to help you pay for your house, or will have to find another (better paying) job. Just wow.

Loving another's kids like your own is more the exception than the rule. Kind of like finding a unicorn. You are lucky he cares for them as he does and treats them well, and you're damn right he gets frustrated with them. He's a saint for not telling you that he gets frustrated. I would make sure you parent your kids so that they are in line so this guy sticks around, because the next guy most likely won't be as patient with this whole situation and your unrealistic expectations.

Accept he's not their BF, stop expecting so much because it sounds like he treats them well. You're in a house that's too expensive combined with cc debt. Those decisons rest with you, and he's probably concerned about all the debt before he proceeds further. YOU need to tackle that. Either move a roommate in to defray the costs, or sell it and get a less expensive place. (rent) Then pay down your other debt and put in your savings. Meanwhile, you can see how it goes with your bf.  Do you ever get a babysitter so you and bf have your own time? 

My wife had zero expecation that I would be my son's (SS's) dad.  It was intuitive to me that to be equity life partners with this increadible woman that I would have to be an equity parent to her child. So,  her child became my child.

If my DW would have forced it, I doubt out outcome would have been as successful as it has been.

A key to our success is that though she was a single teen welfare mom when we met, she was also a full time college student working two jobs and busting her butt.  She would have been just fine without me.  I would have been just fine and happy without her.  But both of our lives and the life of our son (former SS-26 now adopted) are far better because we figured it out.

Quit putting your happiness and family future on the shoulders of this guy and take ownership for your own outcome.  If you do that, my forecast is that he will become much more participatory in your life and the life of your kids.  That could lead to an actual future for the two of  you together.

If you won't do that. Don't waste his time... or yours.

As for his irritation with your kids misbehaving, not picking up after themselves, etc....  That is behavior that irritates everyone.  That you would take exception to  his reaction to this makes me wonder why you are not dealing with it more effectively. 

Good luck.

Just had to mention one more thing that a lot of women tend to forget.  Not to be too crass but that thing is not gold plated and you are not the only one who will let him touch it.   That is enough when you are in high school to "get a guy."  But as an adult, if you don't bring value to the relationship beyond simply being an available woman, the relationship is not going to go beyond the surface with any man worth having.  

at your boyfriend lately, as a stepmum of 3 adult/teenage kids and bio mum to 2 toddlers myself, i will tell you right now i do not and could not love my stepkids like my own and my husband has never expected, demanded or made me love his 3 kids with ex like my own.

my own husband has gotten to the point of hating his kids with ex, their behaviours, attitude to life and how they behave around others is disrespectful embarrassing amongst many other horrible things.

i have told my husband how i hate his 20yr old son and do not love or want anything to do with him, he has never been civil with me from day 1 and emotionally abuses us and the 2 girls are busy pretending its happy family with daddy besides accepting the fact they abandoned their dad for 6 years cutting off all contact, hubby was heartbroken but remarried and had 2 more kids with me and we’re part of his family, life and future but his kids do not accept that.

part of being in a relationship is about compromise and you’re not at all willing to do that. you see your man as a cash cow knight in shining armour to bail you out of your financial obligations, my husband were with 2 of these women after divorce who were gold diggers that lied and stole from him and cheated too. That can seriously traumatise a person from ever being in a relationship or marriage ever again.

Kids can move and start at a new school and do survive so wanting to stay in a home that you are financially struggling in but at the same time resenting your boufriend living in a better neighbourhood and nice home is very shallow of you. You need to get yourself straightened up first and change your mentality/behaviour which i don’t think will happen anytime soon.

it is not your boyfriends job to fix all your financial messes whatsoever,

He has not proposed because he is still trying to determine if you are using him to be in a better financial situation and save you and your kids.  So I would say he is pretty smart. 

I think you should dump him because he has you figured out... it is pretty unlikely you will be able to manipulate this fellow into supporting you, so time to move on and keep looking.