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A Disney Dad in Disney

Thisisnotus's picture

I thought that may be a funny subject for my post. LOL.

So one of my many blended life struggles is that I'm a huge Disney World fan and I am (WAS) a very spontaneous person.....and I've attempted on several occassions to try and get my DH and I to take a spur of the moment trip with just us and our toddler...just a fun quick trip. We have taken everyone, and we will again.....but with 7 of us....and custody schedules....it is something that would have to be planned WAY in advance. And with the big kids in school.....I would like to take a trip sometime without the crowds that come with going when school is out.....

I haven't come out said it directly, like hey lets leave all the other kids behind and take toddler to Disney, but I have all but said it  hoping he would take the bait....but I also dont' want to be told no....so I haven't pushed too hard. He  usually shuts me down/igonres it  and totally acts like I never brought up going to Disney spur of the moment and/or changes the subject. .

So my question is....is it me? Am I asking too much? Is disney just somehow off limits, but anything else is okay? We have taken cruises and left everyone behind with no issue. The older kids are 12-17 and at this point are just as content at the local thrill ride amusement park.

Would I feel a little bad going with out my big kids? Yes, but I have no doubt that this summer or later this year we will take everyone.

I am currently in my 3rd attempt in the last 6 months to see if we can take a quick trip......once I brought up Florida...the conversation ended and now I'm left again feeling frustrated and disappointed. We just agreed earlier today that we should take a mini vacay in the next few weeks......he was all about it....I joked about Disney to see what he'd say....haven't heard from him since. grrrrr

Keep in mind that BM constantly takes skids on vacation, and my kids also go on trips with their dad....so nobody is really shorted on vacations.

ESMOD's picture

The fact that you are being "equal" in leaving bio kids of your own out of the trip... and the fact that you have also taken other trips without all the kids leads me to think it may be a different issue.

Do you think your DH maybe doesn't care for Disney as much as you do?  Do you think that he thinks it's too expensive and not "worth" it. (personally, I think disney is way overpriced.. but if you like it.. and can afford it.. obviously it's your preference..lol)

Maybe you should be more direct with your DH?  

Honey,  I have hinted around a few times about us taking a quick trip with just the LO to Disney.  I feel like you kind of shut down the conversation when I bring it up.  Can you tell me why?  I mean, it's not like we haven't taken other nice trips without the rest of the kids... and the older kids don't really care for Disney now that they have gotten older.. they would just as soon do something at the local park.  Can you tell me why you wouldn't want to take a trip there with just the 3 of us?

And.. then let him tell you.  Sometimes we have to directly bring something up.  He has obviously been avoiding.. and you have been beating around the bush.. time to lay some cards on the table.

Maybe it's just he doesn't want to spend that extra money? you won't know unless you ask.

 

Thisisnotus's picture

DH had never been to Disney until we all went last year, and he really liked it.......does he love it the way I do? No. I grew up going to Disneyland with my mom (who has passed) and it was a big part of my childhood....then I moved to the East Coast and made Disney World a part of my kids childhoods.....I know it's just a theme park....but it holds special memories for me. I have given up a TON of stuff for this blended family, and this one I don't want to give up as odd as it seems.

I will take your advice and be more direct. I did sort of ask those questions last year when this came up......the 2 of us (plus baby) going to Disney would be much cheaper than the cruises we took....but he could very well think it's a waste of money. I was sort of thinking (b/c I've never really asked) that he doesn't want to tell his kids he is going to Disney without them.

But at the end of the day.....I guess I need to communicate....which I am very bad at these days.

Jcksjj's picture

We took SD and ODS to Disney when they were 5 and 6. I'd been there several times with ODS already and bringing SD with totally ruined it. Actually, DH did too and if he hadnt massively changed his behaviors since then I would never have went on a vacation with him again. But anyway, I told DH I want to take the ours babies on a separate trip there one year. I want to get to experience that one time without an SD that's 8 years older being obnoxious the whole time. The older kids already go to so....

 

susanm's picture

A slight veer on the topic but it really is a shame when skids and the new DH change how you feel about travel.  As if they don't change enough in your life, even something so basic as whether or not it is worth leaving home gets altered.

I know that not everyone is a "good traveler."   But unfortunately my skids and DH had to have everything planned out and that just isn't realistic.  If something went wrong, and in travel something always goes wrong, they just could not readjust and recover.  The trip would be "ruined" according to them almost from the beginning and they would sulk the entire time.  It just wasn't worth it.  I am glad that your DH changed things enough for you to continue going on vacation with him!

 

Jcksjj's picture

Soooo true. That is one of the things I didnt foresee that hit me the most actually because I love traveling and typically did a yearly Disney trip. 

advice.only2's picture

I know it's hard to believe but some people just aren't all that into Disney, I know I know it's shocking, but it does happen.

Thisisnotus's picture

and I am totally fine with that. If that is the case, then I would start planning yearly disney trips with just me and bios......but then I don't think that would fly either......and he'd end up tagging along with his kids now going also.....or being angry at me for leaving him to go on vacay with my kids....so I can't win.....

lieutenant_dad's picture

"Hey DH, you know I really love Disney World, and I am missing getting to go as often as I used to/would like to. I'm ready to take a trip this spring when it's less crowded and my kids are with their dad. I do want to take LO so they can do the little kids stuff that they can't do when we take the big ones. I'm planning on just a weekend. I have the money. Would you like to come with me?"

If you can't talk to him about it (which I think is a mistake), the pose it as you're going because you want to, and he can choose to come if he so wishes. Show him that your older kids won't be tagging along, either. If he loses his top over that bit of conversation, then he is being unreasonable.

bananaseedo's picture

I mean you've probably been there at least dozens of times in your lifetime right?  How about asking him what HE would like to do for a short trip just the two of you.  He may not like crowds, lines.  It's my idea of a perfect nightmare...and I've been there a couple of times.  Maybe he wants to do something else, given that you go yearly already, why should it all be about where you want to go?  

ndc's picture

If it were me, I'd come right out and say that you want to take your little to Disney for a long weekend.  No hinting - just tell him clearly. If he says he wants to bring the older kids, tell him you want the "toddler at Disney" experience, not the chaos of trying to accommodate multiple age groups. If he says no, go without him.  He may not be as into WDW as you are, and that's OK, but it shouldn't keep you from sharing your love for Disney with your toddler. It's not all about him and his kids; you should get to do things that bring you joy, too.

Thisisnotus's picture

Yeah, I could try that. The only issue really is that toddler is too young to say I want to experience it with her....she is almost 2 so she won't really know. So the trip is really for ME....I have also never (in my many trips) been to Disney when the park is calm and not jam packed......so it's something I'd like to see....which will never be possible with the older kids b/c of school and sport committments.

So far today, my little request for long Disney weekend just us.....has turned into a spring break trip for EVERYONE.....uhhh....so I said....okay then we will do both..........*******crickets********

Wish me luck. And thank you. It definitely is NOT about only him and his kids......

ndc's picture

Oh, I never meant the trip was for your little one. The "toddler in Disney" experience is for YOU. There's nothing like seeing Disney through the eyes of a very young child. Whether the child remembers it or not later is irrelevant - YOU get to experience her experience, and you'll remember it. Go to Disney and enjoy!

And don't be bullied into going with everyone at spring break. The crowds and differing ages will make it a wholly different experience, which isn't the experience you're looking for.

Rags's picture

You have a nod from him on a short vacation in the next few weeks.  Plant the dates on the calendar, book the flights, your preferred Disney resort and  your park tickets and inform him of the plans.  

End of discussion.

We have great friends who are Disneyfiles.  They go several times each year are Disney Vacation Club members and own shares in three different Disney properties at Disney World..  One trip per year is adults only.  Their two boys (14&10) have both been a dozen or more times.  They of course want to go on the adult trip but... no go.  Their dads need adult time.

We usually go on the adult trip with them.  We do not go on their kid trips.

Adults need to have couple time and I see nothing wrong with a couple in a blended family marriage having couple time with their "ours" kids upon occassion.  The  yours and mine kids have their own other family experiences.  There is no need to completely balance every element of blended family life for all of the kids involved.

 

Thisisnotus's picture

I like that! I am the same, I have every intention of being a Vacation Club Member at some point in my life. LOL.

I know TONS of people that do exactly what your friends do......in Disney.

bananaseedo's picture

I'm seriously curious why you can't consider anything else? As in ask him what he would like for a couples w/baby only quick vacay? A cabin with some quiet/peace?  I can't imagine Disney being ANY fun with a under 2 baby.  They won't remember, they get tired and need naps, they get cranky....you end up having a miserable time...or spending most of your time in a hotel room.  I mean I get it you're a big fan...and you seem to keep wanting to re-create your childhood memories...but if you have been there dozens of times, and will be back w/the teens...why not compromise and see what he would enjoy for a change of pace.  

It's funny-I was never able to afford taking my sons here to Disney....but we did other trips.  We then won a trip to Tokyo and ended up that Disney Hilton hotel and their first Disney experience was the Tokyo one as teens.  We do have a Six Flags nearby and we did season passes one/two years.  At this point of my life, you won't catch me dead in a theme park. He could have enjoyed it as a 'once in a blue moon' kind of thing. 

Thisisnotus's picture

We went on a cruise 2 months ago.......I caved and chose that instead of what I wanted which would have been Disney....he wanted the cruise.

We have been together about 4 years and in those 4 years I've mentioned wanting a couples only (baby has to go) trip to Disney and it hasn't happened.

Being trapped in a cabin with a 1.5 year old baby sounds like complete torture to me....if that's the other option I'd just rather stay home lol .....I'd much rather be strolling around outside at a theme park.

I'm definitely not re-creating child hood memories........I just enjoy Disney. I think their deluxe resorts are amazing and a vacation in themselves....I'd be fine just doing that, and the dining options and planning for that is great....drinking around the world in epcot...shopping is Disney Springs.....etc....I guess it's more than "rides" to me....and seems like a perfectly acceptable DH, me and baby vacation....and we live close enough to drive in a handful of hours.....and we aren't looking to fly anywhere....which is another reason Florida usually wins for my vacay choice.

If we were going to fly....then sure....I'd probaby pick a big city or something totally different.....

stepmominhiding's picture

I love Disney.  Im obsessed! My Kids are teens now and i think that Orlando studios might be better suited for THEM.  But me? Id love  to go to Disney! My husband told me maybe we're could take our grandkids one day. I think every kid needs to visit Disney at least once if possible.  Even id they don't go on the rides, there are parades, 4D movies,  meeting the charactersn all the sights! 

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

My wife is the same way. There's no way in the world that she would go on a trip and leave the stepkid behind. I mentioned it before and she started a big argument over it.

So I work around it.

She has a year-round work schedule and takes days off frequently, so she never has leave.

I'm a teacher, so I have the whole summer. I took my daughter all over creation last year. My wife got to sit at home. We still went on our "blended family beach trip", but I really enjoyed the time I spent alone with my daughter much more. I'd have loved for my wife to be included, but I guess pretending that our daughter is ours and celebrating that in the least is forbidden.

SM12's picture

i would love to take a trip to Disney again.  Only no kids allowed.  My DH says no way in hell

he is going on a kid free vacation and spending it around thousands of other peoples kids.  I totally get it.  DH is not a Disney person and would hate every second of it.  So, my friend and I are planning a girls trip to go.  

Maybe your DH just isn’t a fan of Disney.  Take the little one and go without him.  

ESMOD's picture

I didn't go to Disneyworld until I was over 40.  My parents were not theme park people.  We took vacations to the beach etc...

I will be honest, I think Disney has a pretty good quality experience.. but I am not an uber fan.  The extreme commercialism of the experience.. everything is super expensive.. from lodging to food etc.. just isn't my cup of tea.  PLUS crowds.. and we went at off times as two adults.  I mean, I can see wanting to take a kid there.. but things aren't so magical when you can see the wires if you know what I mean... 

The stuff that would WOW a child doesn't impress me.. and I hate crowds.. and pushy people.. and I found a lot of that when we went... even though it was at an "off" time.  It was a lot of walking and waiting in lines and overpriced.. 

I can see how someone might be hooked if they started going to these parks as a child.. but by the time I went.. it was a bit past me.

Perhaps it is a bit like that for your DH... he may think it is a bunch of excitement over nothing... overpriced.. crowded and an aggravation.  I know that might be a hard pill to swallow if you LOVE it.. but if he feels that way.. you can then plan your disney fix in another way. (on your own etc)

bananaseedo's picture

This is true.

Thisis us you said this "but he balks at Disney and I think it's soley b/c his kids aren't coming along and he couldn't bare to tell them he was going without them"

Look, I DO know where you are coming from with this...because it's so easy to believe this is the issue.  And maybe it is you know? Just don't assume it is. He could easily not say a word to them. It could very well be he's just not a fan...and figures when you do Disney it's something he pictures doing w/kids-never as a couple thing (even w/a toddler). You won't know unless you ask.  Just don't assume that is why and it's guilty daddy rather then just 'don't give a darn about Disney but don't want to hurt your feelings' lol

If you live at a beach/touristy area....why not consider something different, GA mountains are absolutely beautiful.  There are beautiful towns/lakes and hiking trails. Not sure how far that is from you. Trust me cabins aren't boring, you have hot tubs, beautiful views, fireplaces, games, then gorgeous outside hiking trails in nature.  It's different from the beach and crowds.  

Check out Helen, Blue Ridge GA, shoot Stone Mountain here where I live is a really nice visit too.  TN has some really nice spots.  Guess it depends how far out you are.  Be open to NOT assuming it's guilty daddy....be open to exploring his travel style...you may find something you both jive on you like to do as a couple that surprises you.  

I guess I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt because if he hasn't been a vacationer, maybe he hasn't found his 'style' yet-and you keep kind of pushing yours.

Example:  All the things you list make me cringe-but that's where different people like different things, and it's totally ok.  Maybe you two need to find something that you BOTH enjoy.  Crowded beaches/tourists...not my thing. I love the beach but have to find more isolated areas.  Cruise, most definately not something I would ever do.  Nor are all-inclusive packed hotels/places like Cancun.  Definately no Disney/Universal.  I love vacations in Dunedin/Tampa area...and there are so many beautiful more private beaches then "Clearwater" kwim? This year I'd love to try the Golden Isles in GA.  St Simons seems to be super dog friendly..and I want to introduce our dogs to the beach....and much less crowded off season then FL beaches.

What is my style?  Small boutique hotels or home/condo/cabin rentals.  I've been planning Mexico trips for a while...nowhere typical tourists go, we want to see the different ruins, cenotes, colonial towns, we are definately off the beaten path type.  I also fell in love with cabins in the mountains.  I like privacy, and quiet.  I won't do a tour in Mexico, but will rent a car to visit the sites I want to.  I'm dying to visit Costa Rica too.  With kids, I love the idea of condo/home rental vs hotel.  More room, more privacy, having a full kitchen to make some meals there and save a ton of $. 

With stepkids it's a special kind of hell....and it's really hard not to assume bad intent in guilty daddys/stepdemons, I know...but I think this could be a different scenario. Communication.  Sit down and ask him what he likes. There are tons of surveys out there he can take.  

ESMOD's picture

Everyone has their own likes and dislikes.

I mean, I, personally, may think that the money that is spent on Disney stuff is a waste of time.. yet I might turn around and drop a couple grand on a last minute trip to the Dominican Republic with my DH..lol.  

It is a luxury to be able to take a lot of trips and honestly, I probably take more than my share lol.  When my DH came home from his latest work stint out of town (8 months).. we have been to the DomRep, Mexico and Bimini for a total of over 2 weeks of vacation.. not to mention weekend road trips to the Eastern Shore of VA.. etc...  But everyone has their own priorities.. I am not a big jewelry or shopping person.. so it probably evens out.

bananaseedo's picture

Exactly, which is why I said, she'll have to get to know his style also. If he hasn't been at traveller, then he probably doesn't even know.  Take some quizzes, surveys, find out what he likes...see if there is anything they can both find enjoyable.

And yes, I'm not a jewelry/shopping person either....I rather do things like you mentioned.  Where in MX did you go?

 

ESMOD's picture

We went to an all inclusive in Tulum.  It was a really last minute thing.. basically  booked on a Wed and left Friday..lol... just 3 days there so didn't get a ton of time to do much but relax for a few days in the sun!

susanm's picture

I have to agree.  Asking your DH straight out why he does not want to go is the best idea.  It may have nothing to do with the skids.  Lots of people are not into Disney.  I attended a conference held in Orlando years ago and went into Disney for the day.  I did not enjoy it and left after just a few hours.  But put me in an historical site or castle ruin or museum and I am happy as a nerdy clam.  Everyone has their thing.  

Thisisnotus's picture

I see what you are saying. I just have zero desire to explore nature or go hiking.......I would rather go to the dentist. LOL. My DH isn't interested in that either.

I'm sure cabins are fine and fun, but that is something I'd rather do with the whole family.....If I absolutley had to go that route...but I'd also choose a cabin in a fun location with stuff to do nearby....

We have found something we both like and that is cruises.....

And I guess if he hated Disney so much........he wouldn't have spent the last couple days looking up Disney trips for the whole family during spring break (one of the most crowded times of year and one of the most expensive) but at the same time acting like baby, him and I couldn't take a long weekend alone in Disney this month or next.......

I guess you and I have total opposite ideas of vacation and that is okay. All the things you list.....I have no interest in...including dogs. haha. I'm down for busy, action packed and fun vacations......we like to drink and gamble also....so Vegas would be 100 percent a yes....which is why we like to cruise....

And in reality, we mostly do what he wants.......and I just don't see it as a big deal. It's cheap for the two of us to go to Disney for a few days.....it's a car ride away.....I'm not trying to plan anything elaborate. It's just a random few days away instead of staying at home.....we have more vacation time at work than we can ever use.....

It shouldn't be an act of god to get him to agree is really my point.......

ESMOD's picture

You might consider Pigeon Forge area of TN.. there is Dollywood.. plus there are a lot of things to do in the area.  We had a camper near Chattanooga TN and went there through my work earlier this year.

 

bananaseedo's picture

HA...so camping is out of the question huh?  LOL_ yep girl, you and I are total opposites.  We love hiking, camping, nature, lakes, outdoors.  I went to Vegas once and it was my idea of hell.  But to each their own right?  We also love dog sports.  Upland hunting, agility, dock diving, obedience...

Reading what you said about your DH then-yep...it seems it relates Disney to kids only and so has no interest doing that solo w/just you and baby.  I hope you guys can over time find a good compromise. 

Thisisnotus's picture

OMG camping......well my idea of camping would be having a very nice camper and going to a camping "resort" with a pool, golf cart, activites center etc. Otherwise, no way. LOL.

I have no doubt in my mind that in 6 or so years when the youngest SD goes to college.......he will agree to Disney any and every time.....as there will be no guilt with it.......he does relate Disney to kids, though, as in.....his kids would give him a hard time and probably cry if he went without them.........the horror!!!!

I mean I can see if we are talking about small kids here, but we are talking about teens........

Thisisnotus's picture

Well guys I wanted to UPDATE........I finally just straight out asked him what the deal was since clearly our little mini DH, toddler and I only....Disney vacay for next month was a HUGE bust. I spent days trying to bring it up and plan it....met with silence....or a subject change over and over.I even agreed to everyone going for Spring Break (because that was his solution....take everyone) AND I told him we can still go next month too.....Spring Break is ON according to DH....next month without kids....silence....crickets....like talking to a wall....no response....nothing.

So I asked him...........and I was right. He said he does purposely ignore me...change the subject when I bring up going to Disney without his kids/my kids.... because he doesn't think it's a good idea and doesn't want to upset his kids and doesn't want to upset me......so he just pretends that I never said anything..(upsetting me beyond words).....he said he really WANTS to go just me and him and baby and how it sounds amazing and fun and how much fun he had the last time we all went.......But then he said it's just not fair to  his poor poor poor wittle fragile children.....

I pretty much told him that he is an idiot, and that I'm also leaving MY kids behind and i disagree that it's a bad idea. I told him that I WILL NOT continue to live my life on a 50% basis....meaning we can only do something if  his kids are part of it. I told him that our shared child's life will no longer be put on hold because of his bull shit guilt and that I'm sick and tired of it..........I told him how his own step sister and her hubby just left their 8 YEAR daughter behind for a couples only trip to Disney....because yes NORMAL family's can do that.....and these damn step kids are TEENS...not 8 year olds.

I wrapped it up asking if he'd rather just me start going out and doing things on my own....or with MY kids instead of with him....so that he can sit home and drown himself in sorrow while I'm on vacay with my kids and BM is on vacay with his kids......I said I am so sick and tired of the BS.......I went on to remind him that I practically begged for him and I to take my kids somwhere fun for a few days over new year's week......BM and skids were on vacation.....my kids dad and step mom were on vacation......But no.....Mr. Guilt had us all sit at home and do NOTHING b/c his little princesses might get jealous. I said that will NEVER happen again........we will live our life....or I will live my life without you......the end.

ESMOD's picture

Honestly.. this is GREAT... You told him in no uncertain terms that you were calling him on his BS.  He was HONEST with you that he was stonewalling... playing possum.  You gave him very good reasons and explanations on why it absolutely wasn't playing favorites since both your and his kids would not be attending.. that this was a special trip just for the LO and it's OK for kids to have fun one on one (or two on one) experiences with their parents.  Certainly HIS kids got to do things with just them in the past.. before you were on the scene and your kids and the new LO were around???  Even his oldest had to have had something with dad before the younger sibling arrived.

So.. I think you did a good job of explaining.  I think you did a good job of setting your expectations and telling him how you plan to do things moving forward.

I think that you should give him a little time to marinate on these concepts and ideas.. I think you should then revisit the conversation at a later date and see if he has been able to come around to understanding your POV.. and has he decided to stick to his "stay at home if the older kids don't go".. or is he willing to accept that there can be things that happen without every member every time.

In fact.. you might suggest HE do something with JUST his kids that would be something that only teens would be into.  You could also do things with just YOUR olders as well.  I think the kids would actually appreciate not having to go to everything as some huge family brood!

If he still is set in that.. you should make a plan to go on your own little weekend disney adventure with your LO

Thisisnotus's picture

Thank you for that. I will give him some time and I'm thankfull that at least he wasn't doing it blindly. He knew exactly what he was doing and why......do I think it's pretty horrible to stonwall your spouse? Absolutely. He does not understand that his stonewalling is what engrages me...hurts me....frustrates me....it is NOT about going to or not going to Disney....it is the fact that I'm talking to someone who is my HUSBAND...who refuses to talk or acknowledge my words. That makes a person feel so crazy.

I may suggest he do something with his kids....but part of me balks at it. The SD12 never ever spends the night at our house ever...the SD17 now rarely spends the night b/c of her Boyfriend being allowed at BMs every single night.......but you bet they'd go on vacay and spend the night with their dad. I don't like to play that game........

And even if I did something with my kids and dh with his......inevitably his kids would pitch a fit b/c what me and my kids did was probably better. lol.

If he ends up still set in his ways about ALL kids or nothing......it is not going to go well for him. Because, I wouldn't take LO by myself to Disney yet....but I would leave LO home with him and take my older kids. Then he'd get mad and act rude to me, so then I'm back at square one.....AND if I take my kids to Disney....he will still  pay the price from his kids and feel super guilty.....because he didn't take them......grrrr....

bananaseedo's picture

I'm so glad you got to the bottom of it.  Hence why communication is crucial, and he seems clearly defective in that area.  Geesh.

I honestly think moving forward, and until all kids are grown, seperate vacations him/them, you and yours and then one with you two and LO. This will not get better.

 

Thisisnotus's picture

Thanks. And yes, he is definitely defective in communication which has caused me to be the same.....which I've never had an issue with before in my life.

I don't know about the separate vacations......maybe. I know that my DH would not want to take his kids on a vacation by himself....which adds even more weirdness to his refusal to vacation with just us and baby. And he'd act resentful if I took my kids on vacation....so it's a no win situation. And I'm basically stuck with ALL or NOTHING..........but we will see how it goes. I've spoken my thoughts and feelings on it.........but in my gut I know nothing will change.....it never really does.