Disney Dad and Guilt Will Never End
Hi everyone! I know that probably most of you all know Massachusetts in with my post about stepmom he's over it and husband and stepdaughter's are out. But because those threads are so long I am posting this one.
Just wanted to let you all know that the narcissistic guilty father issues will never ever change. I have gone back-and-forth for over 12 years trying to get my husband to see the issues which again you can read my other threads which are completely out of line and borderline insane and I can't believe I endured it for that long.
during my recovery and healing from the separation, I came across a video which is a podcast of two therapists which have discussions about blended families in that kind of thing. The title of the episode was Disney dad guilt in how to deal with it. Basically talked about everything from how the ex-wife poisons the husband and the new wife and the kids etc. etc.
Well if you read the other threads you can see that my situation was complete insanity and on a level a very toxic and super unhealthy and there's nothing like I could've said and done to make anything change which is why I made him move out.
The podcast talks about all of that it even gives a perspective of how the current wife is affected and have a husband and wife although it's put in a bad spot etc. etc. he really needs to step up and create boundaries and those kinds of things. Basically it's everything that I've been trying to communicate to him for years and years but couldn't get the message across completely because he said it was just me and because most of the time he cut the conversation off mid conversation.
I never listen to anything that explained our situation more than this conversation in the podcast so I did ask him to listen to it and I said if you really have any care about saving our marriage then you would listen to this just be open to it and I think it'll really give you a perspective of how as a dad you are supported regardless but you need to create boundaries etc. I really for some reason thought that it would hit him in a spot and make him understand it in a way that I couldn't ever explain to him because I wasn't allowed to and because of course he has his views which are completely irrational and dysfunctional.
He texted me last night to tell me that he did listen to the video and when I asked him if he had any agreement with it or if It gave him a different perspective or if he understood and his response was no not at all as a matter of fact I wish that I would've spent more time with them on the weekends that I didn't have them but instead chose to spend them with you and it upsets me because I did that and because I did that it still wasn't good enough for you. He told me that he understands their point of you and that he understands my point of you but he doesn't agree with it.
I was so blown away even though I shouldn't have been by his response but I have some peace now because his response to something that I've been trying to tell him for years hearing it from two other very well-known therapist and seeing no he doesn't see or understand or agree with it there is a major issue there she has major issues and he will never be reached it's impossible. I have accepted it.
But it's still very hard. Because I just can't wrap my head around someone who is so stuck in their head so stuck in their views and so stuck in their ways it's sickening to me. I also feel beyond invalidated because there was just never any way that I was going to win here.
He said the solution to save the marriage is too that you can't fix the past you can only move forward and change things. To which I said are you kidding me you can't even acknowledge that the issues that we had in the past are valid. What in the world makes me think that moving forward and just changing things will change anything? It's nuts!
I did tell him that I am really done. I did tell him to not please date anyone else or do this to anyone else because it's clear that no one and no woman in his life will ever have the place of his ex-wife or his daughters. And I was silly to think that all of my love and everything that I gave for so many years would win that place.
so I just want to tell the step parents here who are dealing with someone who is narcissistic and someone who has guilt dad issues or mom issues that it's almost impossible to get them to see how unhealthy their behavior is. I don't think this is the same for everyone. But if you're dealing with someone who is narcissistic like my soon to be ex-husband because I'm moving forward with a divorce. Just leave. Just leave because it's not going to change and it's not going to get better. Please don't waste 12 years of your life like I did.
Thank goodness that I am only 46 years old which I also feel very old but I don't think too old to find myself and to find my self-worth again and to find a healthy love that I deserve. His response is all that I needed to hear to say finally I am done.
Again, I hope that this message reaches some of you all who are going through what I have gone through and it gives you some some sense of hope and some sense of courage to do the right thing for yourself. Because you matter.