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disengaging from SS12

nappisan's picture

Hi All,  im looking for some advice on disengaging from SS12yr.  Ive started the process of disengaging from the SS for my own sanity, as he has no respect for me, my home and my belongings.  Currently the SS is not allowed in my house if his father isnt present, nor will i supervise, do any running around for the SS, nor do i help/comment on anything to do with SS schooling/behaviour or discipline (lack of it should i say!).   I wanted to hear advice from other step parentst who have had to do the same thing and what the outcomes were and what they did.     Do i cook the SS dinner while im cooking for the rest of the family ?  he refuses to eat the same foods so hes alwasy been catered for by bio parents .  I feel i shouldnt be catering to fussy eating and if dad wants to spend his time cooking mash and sausages every night after work , then so be it. Am i fair saying this ?  Do i stop  folding SS clothes when they come off the washing line and leave for his father to do?  I find it extremely hard to even be polite to the SS , even if thats all thats required from me,,,,the other night i heard him mocking me while i was talking ,, its hard to even be in his presence .  need some advice please.

tog redux's picture

Yes to all of it. Cook for the family, if he wants some he can have it, if not DH can cook for him. 12 is plenty old enough to get his stuff off the line and fold it. Otherwise be cordial but distant. 

The larger issue for me would be DH allowing his son to treat you this way. 

nappisan's picture

yes , DH allowing his son to be disrespectful with very litte acountability is a whole other issue in itself . ive actually disengaged from DH also because of this and his lack of time and effort toward our relationship ,, I feel its really only a matter of time before I completely checkout of the relationship.  DH number one priority is his work, he works two jobs.  He works one job to pour all his money into building a business that has always been his goal,, unfortunately it has been ruling all our lives for many years now ,, whilst he was off working 24/7 , i would look after the SS12.    The SS will vandelise my belongings if I discipline him and disrepectful when i dont discipline, lose lose either way, hence the disengagement.    I dont care if DH has a dream of building a business, it doesnt exempt him from being a partner or father.  Ive worked my ass off to support the household whilst he is trying to reach his goal but there is never any support in return , just abadonment when times get tough. The root of the problem lies with DH

tog redux's picture

Do you have children with him? What keeps you there? You aren't under any obligation to care for a kid who disrespects and harms you.

If he steals or destroys your stuff when DH isn't there, call the police. Sounds like you have little to lose in your relationship.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Disengagement is a journey.  You are on the right road, keep moving forward.  Some days you may not feel like you are but continue on anyway.

Don't make any announcements about disengaging, or why you are not doing things for SS.  Don't cook him any special meals.  Don't wash his clothes, leave them for his father to take care of.   Daddy can wash clothes, dry them on the line, fold them up and put them away.   An easy way to differentiate is to for everyone to have their own small hamper for their dirty clothes.  

Keep in mind that 12 is a difficult age for any kid and you are bound to get snotty remarks, eye rolls and the like.  But it doesn't mean YOU have to put up with it.  


Mandy45's picture

No dont cook separate meals. Just cook what you cook put it on a plate. Go theres some dinner. But my sd not a fussy eater. Me and dh take turns cooking. So I dont mind dishing up a plate of food for sd. Because theres always plenty. I know she eat it. 

As for washing I just throw whatever in the washing basket in the machine. Save having to do too many loads. Dry it and then put mine and dh clothes away. Dump SD clean clothes in the basket and put it in her room tell her to put them away. But if it just her clothes I make her do it herself. But for some funny reason sd clothes very rarely end up in the wash. So I tend to be whatever about it. 

Like with some little household chores sometimes it easier not to be petty. Even if your disengaged. Just run your household how you see fit. Like if ss leaves a big mess you get him or dh to clean it up. But if he leaves one or two items on the floor just pick them up dump them in his room and shut the door. 

But your cop a bit of shit at first but after awhile everyone ends up doing there own thing. You get left alone.