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Disengaging- I'm new at this

goincrazy.com's picture

Submitted by goincrazy.com on Wed, 05/16/2012 - 11:57am

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General Discussion

I've read a bunch of posts and I want to disengage, however, my fdh is VERY involved in my bd life, basically taken father role. She's not perfect either but she loves him and accepts him and he is very good to her.

Anyone have any advice on how to handle disengaging with fsd when my fdh is so good to my bd? I don't feel guilty bc she doesn't accept me but I know it's really going to hurt fdh. I really don't feel like I have any other choice at this point.

Anyone else been in this situation? How did it turn out?

Thiskidwilldrivemecrazy's picture

Submitted by Thiskidwilldriv... on Wed, 05/16/2012 - 1:17pm

I am certainly not an expert on this subject as I have just been doing this a VERY short time. However, part of the problem that causes us to HAVE to disengage is because we are not getting the support from DH that we should be (as I read it, he thinks he is being supportive but really isn't).

If your DH was truly supportive of you, he would make it clear (crystal) to your SD that her disrespect of you is unacceptable and let her know that he isn't going to allow it (and then follow through with that). It really has no bearing on your daughter as SHE is not being disrespectful to HIM. As I have read it, disengaging is about putting the 'parenting' back in the hands of the biological parent. They have all of the responsibility, you don't, and in doing so, you also don't share in any of the successes or failures of that child...it's all on the biological parent. Maybe you should discuss it with him and explain why you feel it is necessary.

Whatever you decide, good luck to you!

goincrazy.com's picture

Submitted by goincrazy.com on Wed, 05/16/2012 - 2:44pm

FSD BM is involved, I do NOT want to take on any mother role to FSD at all, this is where FDH would like me to but knows how I feel about it. He has unrealistic expectations and just wants everyone to get along and be one big happy family. FSD won't accept me and therefore creates issues and drama and blames me when I really honestly have done nothing, thats why I feel it's best for me to step back.

You make an excellent point, if he does want a closer relationship then he needs to demand respect and better treatment from FSD. Thats a huge fight we get into, he does vocally demand respect and disciplines my BD. I Don't even feel comfortable telling FSD to take the trash out bc thats how tense it is, that is where I have disengaged to a point, I just tell FDH and he makes her. But I am frustrated bc he can tell my BD anything and has expectations and I feel like a visitor in my own home when she is around, I don't feel comfortable AT aLL bc if she get's an attitude I'm going to freak out, so much has built up so I don't even bother.

We are going to sit down and come up with ground rules she needs to follow to be at our house, fingers crossed both FDH AND FSD follow through, or else I'm out the door! I'd rather sit in my own yard with my own poop then sit in someone elses shit they refuse to pick up!!! lol (referring to your quote Smile it made me LOL)

Thank you for the advice, it helps me gain more perspective on the situation!