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Disengaged from 20yr old stepdaughter

geosan67's picture

I am currently disengaged from my 20 year old stepdaughter due to her using me when she has wanted something or help. We don’t talk at all or text. In the past when I would text her she has totally disregarded me and I got fed up with her and just totally disengaged with having anything to do with her. I still have her in my medical plan. She only calls my wife when she needs something concerning her medical coverage that I have her in and have been paying for over 5 years! The payment comes out of my retirement pension! Just yesterday she texted my wife to see if she has dental coverage and my wife asked if I had my dental insurance card handy and when I asked why she said oh because her daughter wants the information so she can use the insurance. I told my wife that I was very upset and felt used by her daughter because the only time she wants something is when she needs something from me yet she wants nothing to do with me. I don’t feel like I should even have her in my insurance coverage since we have no relationship. How should I address this situation? 

lorlors's picture

I am going through something similar at the moment but am not as disengaged as you are from SS(now)18. After rudeness, bad behaviour piled on top of disappointment I have told DH that as he is now 18, SS is coming off our health insurance. DH wants to give SS the option to remain on our policy as we pay the big bucks to get top cover. Unless SS wants to pay me for the privilege he is coming off the policy.

I suggest your SD coughs up and contributes or you remove her from the policy without further notice. She is 20 for Pete's sake. 

Time to start adulting.

Kes's picture

Welcome to the site, geosan!   Like you, I have SDs age 21 and 23, I am disengaged from both.  Your SD has been an adult for 2 years, and I don't think you should have her on your medical insurance or dental insurance any longer.  Even if you weren't disengaged, I think when young people are adults they need to stand on their own two feet.   In your situation I would tell your wife that our of courtesy you will keep SD on the insurance for another 6 months - that is a decent amount of time for her to make other arrangements - then, come the end of March 2019 she is on her own.  I don't have this issue, since I live in the UK where we have the NHS, but this is what I would do in your place. 

 

marblefawn's picture

I'm assuming you already made the decision to remove her from your insurance. I don't blame you.

SD must be told she is being removed from your insurance. And because she doesn't return any communication from you, your wife will have to tell her. I guess the good news is SD won't hassle you about it because SD doesn't speak to you!

To be fair, I'd give SD a few months to get alternate insurance coverage before you take her off your plan.

The big question is, how will your wife take it? Maybe that's what you're asking -- how to handle it with your wife?

I'm assuming your wife might not like the change. I don't think there's a lot you can do about that except stand your ground:  ask your wife why you should be expected to pay for someone, anyone, with whom you have no relationship. If she can give you a good answer (and there is no good answer to that), maybe reconsider.

If your wife keeps fighting you about it and you don't mind ramping up the fight to put some blame on her, you can tell your wife she might have intervened over all these years that SD ignored you -- she might have reminded SD to be respectful to you because, if nothing else, you were paying a ton of money for SD to be well.

I don't think there's any way to do this without some upheaval, but don't let that stop you. No one cared when you felt ignored and used.