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Different treatment from SD's towards myself compared to their other step-parent...

Disillusioned's picture

Submitted by Disillusioned on Thu, 10/11/2018 - 7:27pm

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General Discussion

Both of my SD's have raised their children to call me Grandma Disillioned (initally OSD started to insist they would call me by my first name, until she realized not only was I not hurt by that but totally cool with it, then she changed her mind - but that is a whole other post!) 

However when it came to BM's SO (SD's SF), OSD's children do not call him Grandpa SF, but instead by his first name 

I've always felt bad for him as he is the step-parent that has by far had more time with SD's while growing up, and he has sadly never given up trying to stop all the hostility that OSD has towards him. Unlike myself, who after far too many years of trying with OSD decided that if she doesn't want a relationship with me, then she won't have one LOL

Yet I'm the step-parent that her children refer to as a grandparent, and BM's SO poor guy is not treated the same

Anyway, YSD's little toddler also calls me Grandma (nana, it's so cute) and when DH & I were out west visiting with her last week YSD & I got into a conversation about how confusing it can be for young kids with all the grandma's and grandpa's, especially when it comes to divorce with step-grandma's and grandpa's included

YSD then mentioned that her child wouldn't be calling BM's SO/SD's SF Grandpa, he would just be called by his first name most likely

That surprised me a little because YSD has had a better relationship with her SF than OSD has, but then again, YSD tends to follow OSD's lead when it comes to these things (her treatment of me the exception thank goodness)

Still, it must hurt BM's SO on the occasions when we're all at the same gathering, like one of sgkid's birthday parties for example, and they call me grandma but him by his first name....

STaround's picture

Submitted by STaround on Thu, 10/11/2018 - 7:40pm

I don't think love from a child is measured by the name they call you.  I called my dad, whom I adored, by his irst name, becuase when I was  young we lived on my grandparents compound, estate, whatever you would call, with a lot of relatives.  I would not going around worrying about what he is called.  

Disillusioned's picture

Submitted by Disillusioned on Thu, 10/11/2018 - 8:11pm

I hope so too, but I know SD's SF well enough to know that he will notice the difference in titles and I know that will hurt him :(....and I know OSD well enough as well to know that this is exactly what she wants!

fourbrats's picture

Submitted by fourbrats on Thu, 10/11/2018 - 8:20pm

call my husband Pop. The older grandson started this and gets very offended if you call his Pop Grandpa. DH is step grandpa but also the only active grandpa in their lives. It's not about the name, it's about the time put in although I would mention to YSD that perhaps their stepfather would like a special name or nickname of his own when it comes to their kids. 

Also, kids tend to come up with their own names for people. I am Grandma and my mom is Other Grandma lol. This was also developed by the oldest grandchild when he was under two. 

notarelative's picture

Submitted by notarelative on Thu, 10/11/2018 - 9:29pm

Yes, a name does not equal love. But, when you are the one without the name it does color your feelings. As one without a name, I can state, that I feel that in the SKid and spouse eyes, I am a cross between grandpa's live in and one of the lower servants in a Victorian novel. 

The lack of name is meant to hurt and it does. 

Disillusioned's picture

Submitted by Disillusioned on Sun, 10/14/2018 - 7:24pm

Yes I think it really depends on the situation

My OSD has always disliked her SF...she's disliked all her step-parents me included, but this poor guy has it the worst

She is manipulative, and loves to stick it to people she doesn't like, especially her step-parents and most especially her SF, so in his case I would say it is absolutely designed to hurt

notarelative I hear exactly what you're saying

It's unfortunate when an adult skid uses their children as a tool to hurt the step-parent/step-grandparent

She often does nasty things to me too

But in this case, I think she's deliberately enjoying giving one step-parent a title of grandparent with her kids, and the other not....

ITB2012's picture

Submitted by ITB2012 on Thu, 10/11/2018 - 9:55pm

I agree about it being confusing for kids. My parents are divorced. Since my stepmother is from another country we asked if it was okay for my kids to call both my dad and my stepmom by the names for grandma and grandpa in her native language. She was thrilled and it worked out great. 

elkclan's picture

Submitted by elkclan on Fri, 10/12/2018 - 11:19am

I called my maternal grandparents by their first name and nickname that might as well as have been her first name as that's all anyone ever called her. My son calls all his grandparents by their first names. 

By preference, if I have any step grandkids or bio grandkids I'd like to be called by my first name or one of my two nicknames based on my first name. 

This guy may be perfectly happy being called by his first name. 

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Fri, 10/12/2018 - 5:47pm

While I/we never had to deal with Skid hostility from my SS-26 (adopted at his request 4yrs ago) though we did have the REAL dad/StepDad & what I would be called discussion a couple of times between when he was 2yo and in his pre to early teens.

The issue invariably initiated following a SpermLand visitation where SpermGranny harped on  him about me not being his REAL dad or that he could not call me "dad".  Neither my bride nor I stipulated that he call me "Dad(dy)". He just did it starting before he was 2yo.

As for the REAL dad/BioDa/StepDad and what I would be called discussion(s)........

Skid: "Dad, (SpermGrandHag) says I can't call you dad because you are not my REAL dad, you are only my StepDad".

Rags: "Son we have had the talk about what a REAL dad is and what a StepDad is.  A BioDad is the dad that made you with  your mom and a StepDad is the dad that is married to your mom.  A REAL dad is the dad that teaches you to read, to write, to use the toilet, ride  your bike, tie your shoes, reads you a bedtime story every night, tucks you in, who goes to work every day to make sure that you and your mom have a nice home to live in, a safe neighborhood to live in, save vehicles to ride in, good food to eat, nice clothes and shoes to wear, coaches your sports teams or officiates your sports leagues, goes to all of your school events, parents teacher conferences, and who loves you and your mom very much.

You have called me "Dad(dy) since before you were 2yo.  I don't allow children to call me by anything other than what I am or my name. So, you can keep calling me Dad or you can call me Mr. (Lastname).  It is  your choice..

Skid:  A StepDad sounds like a REAL dad to me.  I think I will stick with calling  you dad.

Rags:  "Good choice. Love ya kid!:

Skid: "Love ya too dad!!"

It has been a long time but this is how those conversations went.

I do not allow children to call me by my first name. The closest I will allow is "Mr. Firstname" but that is rare.  It is "Sir or Mr. Lastname"  that is how we were raised and that is how I raised my kid.  Parents do not get to dictate what their children will call me. Only I dictate what any child will call me. If a parent has issue with that... tough shit.