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Did anyone learn to like their stepkid with time?

icanteven's picture

I googled this, but did not turn up much. My husband got very angry with me last night because I am disengaged from his son. I do not interact with the kid at all, and have not done so in more than two years. He comes in, I do not say hello. He leaves, I do not say goodbye. I say nothing to him. I serve him a plate at meals, and nothing else. I do not clean up after him. I do not watch him if my husband has some appointment. I have no expression on my face when he is around. I am just blank. Yet, my husband told me, "I hate you for acting so hostile toward my son! He is part of me, so if you hate him you hate me. If you don't act nice to him, expect me to treat you exactly like this until I can leave!"

Without going into the typical legal questions or relationship questions (I am working on some things and do not wish to discuss details openly right now), I wonder, has anyone ever learned to like a stepkid after years of disengagement? I found his suggestion that I should to that to be ridiculous, but then I wondered if I am wrong. I could be wrong. I have been before.

I do not see myself ever coming to like this kid. He has a personality type that I have always found difficult. He is strange looking (if I am honest, he looks and acts just like his mother, who is mostly awful). He has a bad attitude and is spoiled. He is so hyper I think he needs psychological evaluation. He has been raised very child-centric and thinks he is invited to every conversation. My husband does not make him show me respect or do what I say. That is why I disengaged. Yet, he now expects me to pretend I like this kid, to play with him, to listen to him yell as loud as he can about things anyone would find stupid? I cannot do miracles!

Am I wrong? Did anyone go through this and end up learning to like the kid? If you did, how did you do it?

Rainydaze777's picture

I've never met mine yet- she just recently reappeared in his life after a few years.

I already can't stand her or his ex wife- at least you're trying lol

I want nothing to do with either of them

Lndsy747's picture

I never fully disengaged but when I first met my SD I definitely stepped back because there were a lot of behaviors that I didn't care for that her dad seem to allow because he felt guilty about not being able to spend a lot of time with hher.When he questioned me about this and recognized that I wasn't being involved I explained why and he works to get some of the behaviors taken care of. It took a long time but I did eventually start liking her especially as she's grown up.

Areyou's picture

I was fine with skids until we moved in with them. Then they started to show their teeth. Their dad still lives in the divorce home so they all live in this warped reality where they want no one to disturb their little world. Their father is like a rabid dog where no one can have feedback about his kids. Their father is fine with people talking crap about my own kids. SD is totally disrespectful towards me and my kids but their dad thinks his kids can do no wrong. I’m sick of living in that warped reality. It doesn’t get better. It just gets worse.

Rainydaze777's picture

I'm not married, was only engaged.

but that was one of the things that led me to end the relationship- he snapped at me in defense of his daughter when I didn't even say anything rude.

Also, just today he was saying something about the daughter and BM when I explicitly asked him not to talk to me about their drama- he said something like " she's just a little girl"- she's 12; in the context of the conversation she's not just a little girl.

it made me want to throw up

Areyou's picture

I’m only engaged too and marrying this family does not look very appealing. I need to end this now. 

Rainydaze777's picture

That's what happened with me- I honestly can't see myself spending the rest of my life with his daughter and ex always hovering in the background and him getting defensive and making me into the enemy. I love him madly and he's my best friend and I wonder if ending things with him will be the worst mistake I've made and if I'll regret it forever.

BUT- then I think of the ex wife and kid never ever ever going away. It'll never just be our life 

icanteven's picture

My situation is a bit different to yours since my husband and his son moved into a home I bought when I moved to their city. I could not imagine living in the ex-wife's home. That would be much worse. I experience the same as you in not being allowed any opinion on my stepson. I noticed this early. I said to my husband one time, "I think stepson needs evaluation for speech therapy. He is unable to make several sounds he should be able to at his age." (Two of my children received speech therapy at that age, and I noticed some of the same signs in him.) He shouted at me for nearly one hour about how I need to stop picking on his son, telling me he is perfect. Yes, he said his son is perfect. 

I think this is the biggest problem. I am not allowed any opinion on stepson's behaviour or manners. He comes to my home 50% of the time, no matter if it is a good time for me, and he is allowed to act any way he wants, and I cannot say, "This is too loud. Speak quietly indoors." or "Do not put your feet on my table." or "Do not run through my kitchen while I am cooking." I cannot say to my husband that his son is too hyper and he needs to play outside more because having him in the house makes me panic sometimes. He said I will never be allowed an opinion on his son because it is judgment. I could not do that to someone I love, to make them live with my kids and not be of influence.

elkclan's picture

I couldn't live like that. I really couldn't. My SSs are not perfect kids. They're good kids, but they're not perfect kids. I know very well that my SO (and for that matter his ex) have high standards for behaviour for their kids. They don't always match my standards (not saying mine are higher just different sometimes), but I do know that they have them and I help my partner enforce them. 

Kes's picture

I have been disengaged from both my SDs for about 14 years and no, I have not come to like either of them.  I dislike one less than the other, that's about the most I can say. 

Seeker6417's picture

For my own sanity, I'm hoping that one day I will become more tolerable of SD. Right now, I find her intrusive. She lives with us FT. She rarely interacts with me, and vice versa. I like it that way; my wife doesn't. We have a baby on the way, which we learned yesterday is most likely a girl. I told my wife, half serious half joking, that when she gets to dating age, I'm gonna turn into Al Bundy and ram her date's head into the wall. Wife immediately said, "You should also feel that way about SD."

Really? A child who isn't mine and with whom I have absolutely no connection or bond is supposed to elicit the same emotional response from me as my own flesh and blood? Bio parents simply don't get it and probably never will.

icanteven's picture

I feel this way also. I wonder why they think we should feel the same way about their kids as they do. I do not expect my husband will love my kids as much as I do and their father does. What sense would that make? I also wish they would not tell us how we should feel. My husband says these things also. "You should love stepson. Look at him. He is adorable. How can you not love him?" Because he is not adorable. He looks fat and sallow. He has hair that reminds me of the movie "Dumb and Dumber". When he speaks, mostly he whines or complains. He always frowns.

I think of my kids who are close in age to him, and they are not like this. Of course I like them better. They are not perfect, but they are my own, so I see them differently to the way he does since they are not his. Of course I see his son differently to my own kids. It is obvious, but I think some people forget that all people raise their kids the way they want them to act, and that a lot of people do not prefer a certain way. This is mostly ok, but it is a problem when we live with the kids who were raised to act a way we do not like, and we are not allowed to influence them to act in ways we do like. Of course we cannot love those kids!

Maria10's picture

Lol...that's living in a dream! 

Has your wife ever heard the saying " no one will love you like your parents love you!" Well the no one includes step parents. 

It is true that feelings develop overtime but nobody should. Be expected to love or have specific feelings for another person. It is totally unrealistic!(Is your wife telling her daughter " I want you to love this man because I love him!" No she isn't!). Also SD has a father I presume? Your wife should expect this of him not you.

ESMOD's picture

It's not likely to happen... especially when you are not modeling appropriate social behavior.  I get disengagement and I don't fault you for not doing things with or for the boy but shunning a person by absolutely ignoring their existence is a bit of a bridge too far in my book. (well a minor child at least.. adults may well deserve this at times...lol).

I think it's proper manners to greet someone and acknowledge their presence... whether they reciprocate or not, you are showing proper social behavior by doing that.  By stooping to his level and saying.. well you are rude.. so I am going to be rude right back is not particularly mature behavior.  I think it's possible to disengage while still not acting like you are chasing after their attention.  Since you don't even do the most basic courtesy to say hello.. I don't think you are giving yourself even one iota of a chance to learn to like the kid.

And.. frankly... some of the things you dislike about him, he can't help.. he certainly can't help the fact that he is a physical reminder of your SO's EX.. I see my BM in my SD's.. and I don't like it.. but I can't blame them for the fact that they are biologically half of her.  It's my ding dong DH that coupled up with her!  the kids didn't choose their parents.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

In the beginning, I was open to liking the skids. In fact, I went in EXPECTING to like them. Huge issues with PigPen15 are what sent me here. I don't care how "kind-hearted" he is - he's a nosy, snooping big-mouthed male version of his mother. I don't hate him. I simply do not like him.

I came to like the SDs until the pair of them tried to gaslight me last year. Hence, they are now dead to me. They could be stark naked and bleeding in the middle of a blizzard with a pack of starving wolves on their trail and I would not lift a finger to help them. Both are mini BioHos who think they are absolute perfection. I feel nothing for them.

I do like SS19, though I did not. He was lazy and arrogant. Since he joined the military, he is polite, friendly, and realizes he knows SOME stuff. He has actually turned into a nice young man.

Mila851's picture

Honestly, when I first met SS13 and SD15 (3 years ago) I thought they were amazing kids. I was so lucky. They adored my then 2 year old daughter and they were funny and polite and kind......ok when I play back some scenes I think “ahh there was the warning shot I missed” but generally it wasn’t horrific, it was just kid stuff.

Fast forward 6 months and there it was, SS was the most spoilt, ungrateful, mean spirited, entitled, lazy child I had ever met. Twenty examples spring instantly to mind as I type this and I instantly began to struggle with him.

 

SD I always felt for, poor girl, it’s clearly always been all about him and that’s why he’s so horrible as she’s, by no means perfect ....but there’s no malice in her and I’ll take that. WRONG! She demonstrated the most disgustingly disrespectful vile behaviour, something I never thought she was capable of, she did it.

DH has taken 2 years to get to the point where he no longer yells at me for pointing things out to him that break my heart (their treatment of my daughter being number one pain point).....but we’re not yet past “I’ll have a word” which does nothing. Especially when I would like to see them both experience actual consequences for their behaviour!!

 

i don’t know what the answer is but good luck with it x

icanteven's picture

I think this is the biggest problem. They will not allow us to say anything about things their kids do that are awful. I think just that one thing would make it so different. Two months ago, stepson was eating so loudly, smacking his lips and chewing with his mouth wide open and food falling everywhere. My kids and I thought this was disgusting. I said, "You need to eat more quietly." My husband looked at me like I had thrown a rock at the kid, and said, "Oh, and you think you have perfect table manners? Look at you! Look in a mirror just once!" My kids were quiet and finished their food quickly. Stepson glared at me and said, "icanteven needs to mind her own business, right daddy?" and my husband said, "You only listen to me, boo boo. I think you are the best kid in the world." and there he kept slurping at his food until I left the room. It would not have been difficult for him to say, "Yes, we do not eat this way. Be quieter."? This would not be difficult.

My husband complain about my kids all the time. "They left their school books on the table.", "They play video game too much.", "They left the football goal out." What do I do? "Pick up your books.", "Go play outside.", "Pick up the football goal and put it in the garage." This is not difficult. Why is it for him? I do not know. 

blayze's picture

I would have vowed to NEVER eat with them again until they both apologized AND husband promised to never humiliate me again in front of the children. You have got to be kidding me... 100% unacceptable behavior from your husband and I am appalled on your behalf. 

Hell no, you’ll never like the kid if your man treats you like a child when he’s around. 

ESMOD's picture

I would have filed for divorce.  That is concrete proof that my husband doesn't love me.  No way in hell does a spouse say things like that to their SO.  Not unless you were overly cruel in the way you corrected his son.

loveandfitness's picture

ive been going through this same thing for years.  Tried disengagement and DH responded the exact same way.   I’ve tried to argue my side but it always fails.   I’ve given in a bit and try to smile and say good morning, goodbye, etc, but of course it still isn’t enough for DH, it never will be.  They expect us to love these children... they don’t understand.  

RS's picture

I donot see any share of love between you and your H. If that relationship was strong, you would have dealt/worked on, with the aweful behavior of your Skids. He would have supported you in correcting them. There has to be same rules for all kids in the house and step-parents need to be on the same page for that. 

No way you can start liking your Skids until your relationship with your husband is good enough. If you do not see that happening..Move out of this relationship.

Maria10's picture

Let DH know that you feel how you feel after years of him( dh) treating you like a ghost in your own home. Let him know thst he does not have to communicate with your ex everyday in the form of a stepkid. He does not have to look at skid and see BM everyday. You do and you have necause you love him(DH).

Just because you married him does not mean all of the sudden you are ok with having a miniex running around antagonizing you in your home. Dh needs to think about the idea that he expects you to tolerate( NO ---LOVE) the same behaviors over which he DIVORCED/ SEPARATED FROM his ex. feel free to give him examples.

You cannot learn to feel something( millenia of failed arranged marriages are proof of that). DH demanding you force yourself to feel something for his brat is emotional blackmail and borderline emotionally abusive.

Edit: Say what? My gears would be turning if DH said something as remotely disrespectful to me. I would be plotting revenge or at least a taste of his own medicine. Did you say it was your house? If it is ....