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Dictating reasonable time for BM to call

CaliforniaSM's picture

Normally BM doesn't bother to call to check on SD and visa versa with DH, they have a toxic relationship and communication is normally only pick ups, or emergency matters. Lately however, as court has been going on for BM wanting more CS (she filed a few months ago but got denied so she's asking for more custody to increase child support) BM has been doing obviously everything she can do in the mean time to try and wedge her nose into my home life. Current court orders just state that calls/communication needs to be answered during reasonable time, BM chooses to call DH and than me if DH doesn't answer at 9pm, which is too late in my home for non-emergency calls as SD is settled into bed by 7:30 and DH and I enjoy quiet time to reconnect at night before bed. BM is aware that SD goes to bed early in our home, not always the case in hers but that's her choosing. Since CO states reasonable time can I or DH preferably send her a text or email stating non-emergency communication (phone/text/email) will be responded to between the hours of 8am-8pm? I feel like BM is trying to dictate/rule my home (since she's upset) by choosing to call this late at night and then bitching about it later on but SD isn't even awake to speak with.

moeilijk's picture

If the relationship is truly toxic, then just ignore her calls unless they fall into your family's idea of reasonable.

Depending on your BM, if you tell her she can call between 8am and 8pm, she may call several times between those hours.

Another interpretation of "calls/communication needs to be answered during reasonable time" could be that you reply to (not answer) her calls within a reasonable time. So if she calls at 9pm, you call her the next morning. If she calls 10x between 5.30 and 6.30 while you guys are having dinner, you call her at 7pm once dinner is cleaned up. You see?

I think what's really key here is to make sure that you and your family show BM and the CO respect - but give her ZERO power over anything in your home, including SD while she's there.

Accordn2L's picture

I think setting some sort of time like she can call at X time when the child is with you then that keeps her from calling after bedtime or during dinner. Tell her 7pm is her phone time and only accept the calls during that time.

Orange County Ca's picture

I also would limit her to early evening at a time the kid is normally getting ready for bed - so after dinner hour but before bed time.

CaliforniaSM's picture

Great advice everyone!
I want to deffinetly establish a "call time" as you suggested where SD can learn a routine time to speak to her mother. With my BM the only concern is she'll sit in court and make it some ordeal like "I can't even speak to my own daughter when I want to..poor me poor me" but if I'm making a time for SD and BM to speak with each other during a time that is reasonable in my house that should be acceptable by court, correct? All she does is call to see what is going on in my house "what's daddy doing?" "Where'd you go today?" "Did they fight?"

Dizzy's picture

I told my DH that under no circumstances will SD be calling her BM when he is not here. I heard her getting nosy during a call once (phone has a cord and is in the living room)...SD10 saying "mmm's not here"...I told my DH that BM has no business asking SD about him or his whereabouts. Makes me nervous because of the false abuse allegations. So now, on the nights he has to work, he has SD call BM before he leaves for work. And when I'm here with SD and DH isn't, i unplug the phone from the modem...SD thinks she's sneaky, but I know of at least two times (even after being told repeatedly) that she has called BM when DH isn't here. So I fixed that right!

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

She's just trying to cause problems in your marriage. Hoping you n your husband will fight after her phone call.

Wth is she calling for at 9pm ??? Kids in bed ~ sorry

CaliforniaSM's picture

That's really all it is, and it used to make us fight until I realized I have to have my DH's back and be a united front. BM causes drama in our life all the time, ALWAYS directed towards me obviously. She's so obsessed with tearing me down because I took what she thought was hers even though DH and BM only dated, never married..SD was the product of a 2 month relationship and a drunken night in Vegas. (Clearly what happens in Vegas doesn't stay there right?)

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

She calls ~ hit the f u button on his phone.

My BM is from a short dating fling ~ he broke up with her crazy ass ~ ding dong. She's pregnant. He married her when kid was 8 ~ lasted 4 years. Never loved or respected her ~ cause god knows those two words go hand n hand. Tried to give it a go ~ marriage lasted 3 years. I m from his past ~ we dated before her n now trust I am back. I m obviously a thorn in her side ~ not that she wants to be with him ~ but he must be her property. WTF with these crazy ass delusional biotches

CaliforniaSM's picture

So like mine! "I don't want him but nobody else can have him" like seriously grown up!

I lol when she calls me because she can't get ahold of DH she always says "What are you doing?"
Like none of your business you crazy/nosy bitch, need something? Then she try's to tell people a sob story that she tries to be friends with me and have a relationship with me, even though all she does is try to make SD not like me and break me and DH up. Um no, can we be polite when you decide to grow up? Yes for SD's sake. But never have been friends, never will be.

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

I say girl ~ I want NOT an f'ing thing to do with you EVER !!!

You narcissistic biotch ~ go away. I am not required to have a relationship with her EVER

SMof2Girls's picture

DH had to tell BM that she could call once a day between the hours of 8am and 8pm; and that if we were busy at the time of the call, he would have the skids call back as soon as they were available. In our state, that is considered reasonable. All of our phones, including the house phone, are shut off promptly at 8pm.

If she isn't explicitly told that 9pm is too late, you can never expect her to stop calling.

i would caution against setting a specific time. BM tried to do this with DH, telling him he could call at 7pm, but no later than 7:15pm. Mediator and judge both called her out on it for being absurd and creating barriers to communication with the other parent.

CaliforniaSM's picture

Okay great! I was kind of concerned she'd say I was dictating when she could speak to her daughter and that get turned around on me. I'm wondering if we should make the move of having SD call her mom or if DH should send a message that BM may call once a day between those hours, not before or after unless an emergency has taken place?

SMof2Girls's picture

If you give her a window of time that's reasonable (12 hrs in our case), then you're fine. Whatever works for you without intentionally creating barriers for her to speak to her kid.

But not all BMs are created equal. ANY restriction on her behavior will probably piss her off. Just because she flings insults saying you're being unreasonable, doesn't make it true. Go with your gut and keep your head up Smile

CaliforniaSM's picture

Very true! Thank you very much for your advice and experience it really helps! Smile

QueenBeau's picture

First of all, why is BM calling your phone if she's toxic?
SD7's BM tried this for awhile. Calling my phone if DH didn't answer, calling more than once, calling at odd hours. She got blocked QUICKLY. Now she is forced to go through DH's phone.

The best way to teach BM what calls were appropriate was to only answer if she called at an appropriate time & not say anything about the calls at inappropriate times.

CaliforniaSM's picture

My attorney awhile back suggested if she ask for it to give it to her or it may paint that I am making it difficult for BM to coparent with me (even though I'm not a bio, I know, but they are going through a custody battle and I should be (if it goes as expected) granted FROR, which BM is dreading and she will use me refusing to give her my number as me being hostile) and she just so happened to asked for my number. She doesn't call me or DH for the most part at all to speak with SD, only started recently as the court date draws near.

DH nor myself answer the phone calls that come at time unreasonable for us. I was just checking on anyone's past experience to see how they went about establishing a time or part of the day for BM to call to speak with SD.

Thank you, we will continue not to act on the calls coming at inappropriate hours.

QueenBeau's picture

If she just calls once & doesn't call anymore, I'd just ignore. It may take awhile for her to get the picture, but she will.

BM in our case use to call over and over and over and over sooooo that's why she's blocked.

CaliforniaSM's picture

It will probably turn into that soon enough once she starts to feel "ignored" lol. I may be right there with you soon! Thanks for the advice!