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DH wants to have a baby

Living the dream's picture

My husband and I have been married less than a year. He was previously married and has three children, SD17, SD15, and SS12. I am 41 and have no children; this is my first marriage. He is 46.

My problem is this: DH has become desperate for us to have a baby together.

I have never felt any strong desire to have children (which is why I am 41 and still childless). I have no maternal feelings whatsoever toward his or anyone else’s kids. I enjoy the personal freedoms and privacy that a childless life affords me. In short, I am not a “kid person,” although I am kind to children. DH is a teacher so, naturally, he loves kids.

We are pretty comfortable financially and settled in our careers, but BM is a frequent source of drama in our lives (she’s currently taking him to court to change the visitation schedule they have had for 10 years-her wedding “gift” to us).

I have tried to explore his reasons for wanting a child so badly, as I suspect he may be trying to recreate the “happy family” fantasy that was lost with the end of his first marriage. He insists, however, that he wants a baby together because he loves me so much and he believes I would be a great mom.

Greatly complicating the issue is the fact that, two weeks ago, I had a miscarriage at four weeks gestation (this was a “surprise” pregnancy, and we only knew about it for a week or so). We were both incredibly sad and cried for days when the pregnancy was lost. I felt an enormous sense of loss because, apparently, I really did want the baby. As sad as I was (and am), though, I also felt some relief at this “reprieve.” I know that sounds terrible, but it is the truth.

I have another appointment with the GYN early next month, ostensibly to talk about the miscarriage and conceiving again, but I feel more inclined to talk about getting an IUD.

My husband is aware of my hesitation and is devastated by the fact that I don’t want to rush into another pregnancy; he has been down for days now.

I don’t even know what my question is, really. Thanks to all of you for “listening.”

WitchiePoo's picture

My DH is on and on about a baby as well! I think he thinks that this would be a chance for him to try to "get it right" this time. Because of things that happened with the ex, he wasn't able to give the skids the home life that we had growing up, and I know it weighs on him. BUT we are also in our 40s, and, for me anyway, that presents all kinds of issues that might not come up if we were in our 20s or 30s.

I'm not AGAINST it, and I figure if it happens, it happens. With my luck I'll get pregnant and the next week BM will do a disppearing act and dump the skids here for a few years. UGH! They'll be here for about a week starting tonight (another UGHH!!!!), and they don't know about my new no-TV-during-the-day-go-outside-and-play-or-read-a-book-in-your-room rule yet. Good times ahead. lol I'm not trying to be mean, but I work at home, and the TV is such a distraction that I can't make that compromise anymore just to shut them up. Oh joy. And they get to help their dad with yardwork for a few days.

StickAFork's picture

I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage.
If you don't want children, don't have them. And don't get pressured into changing your mind to please someone else.
Also, and I'm sure I'll get flamed for this, but why would you consider having children when you're both in your 40s? You'll be very old parents... ready to collect social security when the kid graduates high school. Sad

Living the dream's picture

I certainly won't flame you for pointing that out. I've often thought about it: my husband being in his 50s when the child starts kindergarten, being mistaken for her grandparents, etc. Not to mention the much-higher risk of having a disabled child that parents our age have to deal with. The whole idea is just nuts.