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DH stripped me of my authority once again

clenettec's picture

DH puts SD5 in the tub to wash. DH goes in our room and make a phone call. I hear SD5 calling for her daddy. After hearing her for a while, I go to check on her. SD5 is bone dry with the exception of her legs. She had been in the tub for over 10 minutes. So, I instructed her to wash. The tears came. I asked her why was she crying - more tears. I told SD5 she has to go to bed early for crying for no reason. Bedtime is usually 10PM, so this night she had to go to bed at 9:30PM. But then DH comes to the rescue. He goes to the room with her, shut the door, and does not come out of her room from saying goodnight to her until, you guessed it, 10PM.

Like always bedtime for her is 10PM. (Something we compromised on - definitely not my first choice!) This night, they (DH, SD5, and BD15) are playing the Wii. I understand being caught up in having fun and losing track of time. But when I go upstairs to go to bed and its 11:30PM, and they are still playing the Wii - I now have a major problem. So I mentioned it to DH. After he made everyone go to bed, he actually wanted to argue about how I was wrong in that situation. Oh and by the way, they had been playing the game for 3 hours, and SD5, who is in kindergarten still does not recognize all of her alphabet; does not know any beginning sounds; and still cannot tell you what her full name is. But was doing plenty of 'trash talking' while playing the game.

clenettec's picture

I cannot say that I totally agree nor disagree with what you are saying. Trust me, I am not trying to be a mother to this child. But what I am trying to do is be consistent. DH tells me to let him know if there is something that he is not doing that we agreed on, yet, this is the thanks I get when I do what he asks.

However, I think you are right when you say that his actions has proved that he does not want me to co-parent with him despite the fact that he says he does repeatedly.

Thanks

giveitago's picture

^^^This^^^
I wish I'd heard of that much sooner! Disengagement, I did it and it worked great for me. I love SKids more than they'll ever know or deserve but I am not going to make their misdemeanors my issues.
It's really not about winning or losing, it's about maintaining self respect IMO. I once heard my mom say that pride is a luxury (and a big downfall) but dignity is an essential. Let them lose out on the good things you have to offer, more time for you to pursue hobbies of your own! Make sure, however, that you inform DH that he cannot have the best of both worlds though! You are not on hand to deal with homework, snacks after school and getting them up in the mornings etc...right? It's on him now! DH will jump straight into denial at first, mine did, but then he will have to reap what he sows as the kids take more and more advantage of him.
As long as you are reasonably polite, and so on, with the kids, and do not give them any cause to resent you then you are doing good. It's damned hard work but worth the perseverance to emerge as the beautiful butterfly that you really are.
I spent a lot of time crying with frustration, incidentally, and I was in danger of losing sight of who I really am... then I saw the light, bright neon light, it said DISENGAGED.

clenettec's picture

DISENGAGEMENT is definitely where I am now. It is hard on me because DH thinks my disengagement is simply because I do not like or is jealous of his daughter. So pretty much, damned if I do and damned if I don't.

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Orange County Ca's picture

This does a goood job of explaining disengagement. If you follow it successfullly it will take a lot of strain off of you. Realize that you are not only not resposible for these kids you're not going to ever be given the chance to make a difference in their lives. Millions of kids are growing up in the world right now without help from you or I and will turn out just fine.

http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html

giveitago's picture

You calmly state that this is a choice thing, that nothing has changed since last week so, please, go and talk to your dad.'

Still Have Hope's picture

Sorry you have to deal with this. A 10 PM bedtime for a 5 year old is ridiculous. Playing on the wii for hours is also ridiculous. Recommended screen time for children is 2 hours max a day. That includes all TV, computer use and video games. Your DH is not parenting at all. He is his child's playmate. I would tell him that his child needs a parent not more playmates.

giveitago's picture

If my kids were defying me and staying up to play games I'd be finding out which breakers went to that room's receptacles! Blackout time buddy!

clenettec's picture

I completely agree with you. Yet I have been dealing with this since our wedding day and I'm burnt out. Telling my husband anything regarding his child falls on death ears. So I'm pretty much done with it all.

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imjustthemaid's picture

This kid is going to bed way too late. And because of that she is probably tired all day and that is making her moody and cranky. I have bd4 and if she is tired everyone get out of the way! He has to deal with the consequences of allowing her to be up so late.

clenettec's picture

Yes she is going to bed way too late in my opinion but its always DH to the rescue. She is never moody or cranky until she is not around her daddy when visiting. As long as he sits in her face and is there to witness her every move, she is HAPPY!

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clenettec's picture

I have at this point disengaged about 98%. So I don't think I have much choice now.

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TheBrightSide's picture

I do EXACTLY^^^THIS^^^^ with my DH and SD11. Early in the relationship it was always a huge deal for me when DH would take hours to put SD to bed..and I used to fume to myself while I waited for my "alone" time with him. Now, I go to bed myself, read a book, watch programs on TV that I want to watch and cuddle with my dog.

I have disengaged in the way that I've realized that DH is really not interested in how I "parent"...so I don't parent her. She's not mine anyway. The more I "let go" the happier I've become. Everyone is happier. DH is tired though...lol.

WTHDISUF's picture

I like the idea of disengaging but it comes with a downside, esp for kids this young. If you see troublesome parenting going on like 10p bedtimes and excessive Wii playing for 5yr olds, you can disengage and let DH do everything. But guess what? That's going to always impact you. She is learning just how flexible DH is and that crying can earn her benefit. She will only learn to manipulate and get better at it later so the older she gets, the more of this you'll see and you better believe you will be impacted. So having no input at all not only can mean DH doesn't trust your ability to help him Parent, it also means you have no input in how this child develops, no way to counterbalance dear old Dad's monster he's creating, no way to head off what's going to be a future hell for you. And you'll have to live with this for the rest of your marriage.

I am trying out a partial disengagement process and my first run went pretty well. Tomorrow I get a new week to keep it going. I tell DH he can do whatever he wishes with SS8, but that SS8 is NOT going to run or disrupt my home. SS8 is not allowed to talk back in my home -not without consequence- and he is not allowed to bounce across my furniture that I paid for, he is not allowed to disregard the rules of cleanliness and cleaning up after himself, he is not allowed to sit up late under us while we watch adult (Pg13 or Rrated TV). He will observe bedtime and he will not get a chance to argue it. If he gets punished, the full consequence will be adhered to or both DH and SS8 can get out until punishment time is over. This mean if he gets sent to his room for 30min and DH wants to rescue him or let him talk his way out with some lie after just 10 minutes, he must take SS8 out of the house, out of my face for the rest of the 20minutes. If DH wants to clean up after him, fine. If DH wants to usher him around the house making sure he washes his funky ass and such, fine with me. But it will be done. So basically I set the rules of how my house will be treated and I leave it to DH as to how he executes it. If he does not execute it, I do not argue him; I engage. He is now aware that if he wimps out on the agreed upon rules of order in our house, I will Engage at that point and put SS8 in his place as a child in the home, not the Head of it. Dh will not like it and I'm cool with that--it just means he'll be more inclined to do it himself as he's supposed to and that way I remain disengaged.

In addition to this, I no longer give any input to whatever is going on with DH and BM or SS8 unless it impacts my time but that's becoming a non-issue too because I've stopped allowing them to use me as a babysitter any time they wish. Without me to rely on, DH has to start telling her no sometimes because he can't take off work every time she wants to dump her brat on us. I'm learning to save my Oomph girlfriend. I'm learning to rebalance the power in this house and if that costs me my marriage so be it because end is better than living in the misery I am in before I started handling things this way.

If this brat grows up and is an ahole that my DH wants to run after, that's fine but he will know that he can't do it in my house or with my time or with my participation, funds or anything else. Partial disengagement.

clenettec's picture

Ok, I love your response and agree with you 100%. You are right, I refuse to allow a child to run my house and that is what DH is doing. I know longer tell DH what to do with his daughter. I do make it plan about what I will and will not tolerate.

Thanks

MyNest2012's picture

When I feel that bedtime is getting a little late and I know DH just forgot I may softly mention it to him and him alone, just a gentle reminder. I'm here to support him in the raising of his daughter, nothing more. I trust that he is doing the best thing for his daughter. Sometimes SD5 does stay up a little later than her 9pm bedtime and I know it's because they are doing something special.

Sometimes SD5 asks me to join in the bedtime routine or sometimes she wants to do a "family tuck-in" and I'll come and do what she asks and then quietly leave and go back to what I was doing.

It's so so so nice to hear her little voice ask me if I would please come help do the tuck in. Sometimes taking a step back gives them the chance to miss you.

clenettec's picture

That's all I did was walk in and say, "Babe, do you realize its 11:30PM"? And off he went to defend his precious little girl. SD5 wants nothing to do with me and that's fine but she will follow the rules in my house. I refuse to wake up one day and find that SD14 is coming over telling me what she will and will do. Then that will be a major problem - for her!

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Bex_S's picture

A. DH leaves a 5 year old unattended in the bath, and then ignores her when she calls him. Of course that would upset her. I'd be fuming if someone left my 5 year old unattended in the bath...that is asking for trouble. 

B. 5 year old has an insanely age inappropriate bedtime, 10pm?! WTF is DH thinking?

All this shit parenting, and somehow you and SD are the problem?! You need to have words with DH. That kid is acting out because she is tired as hell. Especially now she's having full days of learning at kindergarten, and then DH is keeping her up until 10pm. A child that age should be going to bed at 8 at the latest. Even the 15 year old was up way too late. And playing video games right before bed and then expecting the kids to go straight to sleep? Not realistic. 

It's also very concerning that the 5 year old doesn't have age appropriate knowledge like the alphabet, and her father doesn't seem to give a shit. You either need to have a strong talk with DH, or completely disengage and force him to actually parent those kids. He's ruining them, and with the bath thing, putting them in danger. You were right to call him out on his crappy parenting. Every part of that story was like, what the fuck.

Rags's picture

What is wrong is a 5yo with a 10PM bedtime and a father that is too big of an idiot not to see that as a problem.

smh