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Dh says he will never talk to his sister again, over me

Disillusioned's picture

As we were going to bed a couple nights ago, DH was sort of lost in thought and then shared some thoughts out load

He mentioned that now that his daughter has 'blocked' him from her life and that of sgkids, and he's had lots of time to really think about things and how we got to where we are, he sees one glaring thing;

his sister has never been anything but horrible to me/us

From the very beginning; nasty, negative, judgemental, never even been remotely welcoming or kind or hospitable towards me

DH then said in contrast, all he's ever seen is me try to win her over, show unbeleivable self-control and forgiveness and for 18 of the 21 years we've been together, work so hard to try to get along and be a family unit

And now, to see me calmly walk away with the "it is what it is" attitude and finally moving on, but with total and irreversible resolve, that he will never ever forgive his sister or ever, talk to her again for all the years of jealous mistreatment, and the state of things at this point

I asked DH to please not ever make this about me, and DH said "too late, it IS 100% about you Disilluisioned - not anything you've done wrong, but everything about how much you've BEEN wronged" 

DH said again he will never forgive his sister and never allow her to get away with all the damage she's done and all the damage she's caused

I'm not sure how I feel, I agree that SIL has always been a problem (with no provocation or justification at all) and I do also glaringly see that now too, even more so than I always have. But what I don't need at this point, is to be the reason DH decides he will never speak with his sister again

 

Jcksjj's picture

Wow I wish my husband put me first like that.

I disagree with your last sentence though, hes not speaking to his sister because of her and her behavior, not you. If it wasnt you it would have been someone else I'm sure that she mistreated.

Booboobear's picture

"DH then said in contrast, all he's ever seen is me try to win her over, show unbeleivable self-control and forgiveness and for 18 of the 21 years we've been together, work so hard to try to get along and be a family unit"

Wow. unbelelivable self-control and forgiveness for 18 years! Thats amazing! your a saint:)

Disillusioned's picture

At this point Booboo, thinking more of an idiot :( 

But I will say that after all these years and all that has passed, I feel no guilt whatsoever in finally and fully simply walking away!

Phoebe333's picture

My brother has never liked my second husband. Bro blew up at him over nothing this past year. Last week he called my husband "cold and cheap" on a family text thread.  88 yo mom was in the hospital at the time after falling while we were on a trip together. She broke 4 ribs and was in hospital for 8 days.  We have family all over the country so we were texting so everyone would know what was happening with Mom. There were 9 of us on family thread.

Yes, dh is cold to him after the incident a while back. And he is thrifty which is why we have a beautiful home and financial security in retirement. My bro has neither and he's a pothead.

Anyway, after years and years of this Abusive behavior I have had it. I am  done with this stoner brother. My mom has enabled him forever and tells me I shouldn't let him bother me. These attacks on my husband r bc he doesn't get a rise out of me anymore. If I said anything negative about his wife, both of them would verbally attack me. My dh tries to be polite and talk as little as possible to bro. 

Soooo, I can certainly relate to the OP.

I release and I let go. Done! 

Disillusioned's picture

Thank you for sharing that Phoebe, it seems to be exactly where my DH is right now, when it comes to his sister (and his daughter)

Enough of the toxic bad energy

DH is determined not be held hostage and sadly if it means cutting ties, he's decided then it is what it is 

 

tog redux's picture

OP, he's not choosing you over his sister, he's just recognizing truth and who is really there for him - YOU. 

That's totally different than the scenarios on here where SMs essentially force the man to choose between them and their child by fighting with the child, refusing to see them, etc.  You just quietly proved to him over the years that you were the loyal one who was doing everything you could to make it work, and she was the toxic one who did not care about him.

notasm3's picture

Your DH made this decision (a good one) on his own. You never gave him an ultimatum. 

My SS34 is 100% out of my life, but I have never given my DH an ultimatum to remove SS from his life.  I’m pretty sure my DH would do it - but I am ok with his seeing him as long as it has zero impact on me.  If my DH ever gets to the point where he is done with SS it will be his decision of mine. 

Maxwell09's picture

It's weird his sister is so emeshed with him anyway. I am not so close to my brothers that I invest time to be hateful or rude to their wives. I love them. I check on them and make sure they are happy because that's what matters to me. Their SO's make them happy so I will appreciate them for that. I don't understand SIL's hatred towards you. It is good you are leaving her too it and your DH is seeing it for himself and enforcing boundaries. Forgiveness comes with maturity so maybe when SIL matures and comes to realize she needs to apologize, the door will open again between them.  

somethingwicked's picture

TOO little TOO late.

Dis, as you know I have been reading and following your SM  saga from the start.

It is very sad and heart breaking  when family are betrayed or ostracized because of the actions of a few very toxic types.

But I blame your DH for the current situation that he is now experiencing and that you had experienced for years.

Your DH may now look like a knight in shining armor perched on a glorious white steed but he has ben dragging his a$$ over the apparent dysfunction that his family consciously chose to perpetrate upon YOU and him ,indirectly ,for YEARS ,Dis.

So now he is cross with his sister and will never  speak to her again.What about his OD?

What about his YD? Do not give her a pass, Dis, as she is involved as well.
They are ADULTS and  ,like 3 witches over a bubbling cauldron inciting spells to  pull you and their  brother ,daddee apart ,all 

have a hand in the shared sadness and ostracism of you and their father.

And ,BM, too figures in as it appears she was a willing prop showing up at the family parties  to stir that cauldron.

Sorry,I know it is easier or maybe more appealing to look at DH as a protector and a man who is safeguarding his marriage ,putting you first but  he did NOTHING towards  bringing his children to task and calling  his sister out for her part in the well planned perfidy that has  thrived for years .

When the well loved and respected mother(GM) died, it ramped up a bit but was in check still because  the father (GF) lived and everyone tried to rally around and shield  the father from the contrived drama that SIL and the OSD with BM's assist were concocting. GF even was feeling the dysfunction as he was being placed in the middle.I still recall you wrote that he was trying not to get stuck in theiddle and used as a pawn by SIL and OSD  where his ,GF, birthday dinner was concerned.How awful he was even used by those heartless aholes to wedge the son(DH) and DIL (you) out.

 

After grandfather passed the flood gates opened. Your DH had ample time to nip it ,take his girls to task and straighten out his sister but he turned a blind eye and even the times that you pointed out the discomfort that you were experiencing at these "family "gatherings he tried to down play until HE was targeted.

I am sorry ,honey,but I don't see your DH as any hero protector.Just another  blindsighted because he chose to keep the blindfold in place denying what he was experiencing for years  .Another  DH who waited too long because he feared for his own comfort,afraid to wade into battle and   read his blood family the riot act in real time.

I HOPE he does not ,somewhere down the line ,blame YOU for his choosing never  to speak to his sister .It is telling that his mind drifts to blaming his sister for being horrible to you while his DAUGHTERS continue to disrespect and block him from their and the grandchildren's lives.

 

 

SacrificialLamb's picture

You hit the nail on the head! So many of our DH's fall into this category. They take no action until THEY are affected. 

Siemprematahari's picture

Good riddance to his sister. May you and H continue living a happy and loving life together without interference and negativity from her.

Booboobear's picture

" These attacks on my husband r bc he doesn't get a rise out of me anymore"  = VERY WISE AND USEFUL INFORMATION

Booboobear's picture

"Dis, as you know I have been reading and following your SM  saga from the start."   WE LOVE DIS AWESOME WRITER