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DH says he wants baby but won't have sex w me

christinen's picture

I have a question that I'm afraid I already know the answer to. What do you think about this- DH & I have been "trying" to conceive for 4 months. By trying, I mean I got off my pill. I have done ovulation tests & have been tracking my cycle. My gyn says we should be having sex every other day on my fertile days & DH is fully aware of this. Problem is, he will hardly ever have sex with me more than once a week. He will say he's tired or he has a headache, etc.

I have flat out asked him if he does not want me to get pregnant because he doesn't seem like he does (even though we both decided I would get off the pill). He says yes he does want me to get pregnant & he talks about wanting a baby. But his actions don't match his words!!

What the hell is going on??!

christinen's picture

He works normal hours but he does have a physically demanding job. We also recently (in August) got SD full time (used to have week on/week off). I could definitely see the difference with DH being a lot more tired having SD here every day versus only half the time. He's one of those dads who follow the kid around making sure they are entertained 24/7.

Disneyfan's picture

Talk is cheap. His actions are saying he isn't interested in having another child at this time.

Stupidlyoptimistic's picture

I can see where Dtzy is coming from. DH and I go through this, too. Either he is exhausted from working all day, or I am exhausted from chasing a 3 yo all day, or we are fighting to keep BS3 in his bed at night. All of this takes its toll on sex drive.

On the other hand, it could be possible that your DH is worried about having another child right now. It could be worries about the financial aspect, drama related to skids, etc.

I think you and your DH just need to sit down and have a calm conversation about this. Don't accuse him of anything. Just ask if there is something going on that needs to be addressed and if you can help him with it.

I understand your frustration. Just be patient. Things will work out.

christinen's picture

Thank you all!! I wasn't sure if I was overreacting or not. DH & I have had this talk several times now & he always says he will try harder but he never does. Should it really be a struggle to stay awake & have sex with your wife?

I've tried waking him up.. Tried sexy lingerie.. Tried other things lol

I flat out told him once a week is not enough.. Not only for purposes of making a baby, but in general too! Let's be honest, when you have sex with yourself more than you have sex with your husband, thats a problem lol sorry to be so blunt.

This just sucks! It makes me feel really bad & undesirable.

StepKat's picture

I'm agree with dtzy and others. DH and I have a great sex When we live in the house out in the country (we rented it) there was a lot of undo stress for both of us. DH is always saying how we no longer have that stress now that we don't live there anymore. While we live in that house our sex life suffered. DH worked long hours, I was in college, and a lot of other crap. Once I graduated and we moved out into where we are now the stress reduced exponentially. Therefore, the sex improved Smile

christinen's picture

I'm glad it got better for you!!

I guess I just am not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.. I understand why DH is tired- he works a physical job and we have SD full time.. but those things are not going to change. I hope it gets better for us.

SMof2Girls's picture

Based on your previous posts about all the drama surrounding your SD, I can easily see how he's maybe second-guessing another child. Having been married to man who promised me children for years and never delivered, I can tell you that most of the time, the actions DO speak louder than words .. and sometimes, you should listen.

christinen's picture

Yeah, I can definitely see why he would be cautious about having another one, given all the drama & bs we've had to deal with regarding SD/BM. I wish he would just be honest if that's the case. I mean it's definitely a dealbreaker for me because I have no bios of my own.. I would not want to deal with a skid if I couldn't at least have my own children.

amber3902's picture

Maybe he knows this is a dealbreaker for you and that's WHY he's not being honest with you.

With men, never believe anything they say, only what they do.

SMof2Girls's picture

This is exactly my experience with them too. My ex-husband always had an excuse. He was tired, he was stressed, he was under too much pressure. All of those things may have been true, especially considering the nature of his career.

But when the truth FINALLY came out 3 years into our marriage .. that he didn't know if he really wanted kids afterall .. I felt stupid for not listening to what he was REALLY trying to tell me all along.

christinen's picture

Oh yeah, he definitely knows. We had the conversation before we even got married because I knew for sure that I did NOT want to be a SM if I could not/would not have kids of my own & I made it known.

christinen's picture

That makes sense because the other night he told me I was making it so he can't enjoy himself. He even said I was "pestering" him.

I get it.. But at the same time, I wanted to scream at him "do you think everything I do here is enjoyable?? Seriously?? Sometimes you just do things for other people & quit worrying about your damn self all the time!"

I cried myself to sleep both Friday and Saturday night, feeling so fat and ugly and ashamed that I've been "pestering" someone to have sex with me.

Edit: Yes, we did have issues with frequency of sex before trying to get pregnant. The only time we didn't have issues was in the beginning of our relationship when we couldn't keep our hands off each other. We do go through phases where we do it more than usual, but it's rare. Normally I am wanting it and he is asleep.

christinen's picture

Thank you so much!! Yes, that sounds very familiar.

It was great in the beginning. We had sex all the time. Then like you said, it slowly tapered off to the point where we do it MAYBE once a week (some people might not think once a week is too bad, but I want it every other day whether I am trying to get pregnant or not).

We just have very different sex drives I guess & it sucks because I am the only one suffering!

Now last night, I made a point to not mention sex to him (since the other day when he said I was pestering him) and he actually did initiate it. Afterwards, he asked me if I was still ovulating & I told him I'm not getting into it.. because he said he didn't want to talk about that so we are not going to talk about that..

I will try to not "pester" him but at the same time, you have to have sex to make a baby!

He doesn't really dangle sex in front of me like you mentioned.. he just falls asleep on the couch after dinner & it's impossible to wake him up. He made a comment before about how I could do something to wake him up.. I let him know that watching him sleep isn't really a turn on & it doesn't make me want to do things to him lol.. I just want him to wake the f up & have sex with his wife!

icehockey101's picture

If nights are a problem, have you tried waking him up in the morning? Maybe a little before the alarm goes off?

christinen's picture

Well he gets up 3 hours before I do in the morning but I could try that to see if it makes any difference.

Orange County Ca's picture

Don't have a child until this is sorted out and my first instinct is that his deeds speak louder than his words. He doesn't want kids and you'll be sorry if you have them with him.

christinen's picture

I'm afraid maybe he just doesn't want more.. But I mean he takes care of SD (we have her full time) so I don't think I would be sorry if I had kids with him.. He will be a great dad.. I just don't know if I can stand not having much of a sex life!

SMof2Girls's picture

Question is .. will he be a great husband AND father?

Otherwise, you're talking about raising a kid and sharing custody with a great dad and stepmom ...

Disneyfan's picture


If he's only agreeing to have a child to please you, he may not be a great father to your baby.

IF your marriage ever ends, his new wife will be told (and believe)that you pressured him into having another child.

christinen's picture

True.. I guess I think he will be good with our baby because of how I see him with SD.. & SD was not even planned.. He was never married to BM.. He actually wanted her to get an abortion but she refused & now we are stuck raising SD smh

mannin's picture

Your DH sounds stressed from work, SD, and baby making pressure. It can take time to conceive. Just relax and try to time sex around ovulation. My doc told me it's best to let him build up for a few days to a week and then be intimate around ovulation. Every other day may be too much for him.