DH just told SS12 that he came from a egg donor
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Long story short BM had to use a “egg donor” to get pregnant with DH Sperm. SS never knew this and BM I’m sure was never planning on telling him. Well Combined with BM being a total controlling bitch and DH feeling SS had the right to know DH went ahead and told SS12 the truth. This JUST happened and I was not there so I’m not sure how it all went down but just got a text from DH. DH said he told SS12 and at first SS did not believe DH but took it well.
Obviously this is going to get back to BM and when it does she is going to flip out. I could care less if this pisses her off BUT Legally could DH get into trouble for spilling the beans on this so to say?
Wow. That doesn't seem like
Wow. That doesn't seem like something he should have told him unilaterally, or without really thinking it through.
I agree.
I agree.
I am waiting for the chorus
To say parental alienation. Oops, that only applies to actions by mothers.
It certainly is alienating
It certainly is alienating behavior.
It seems like
your husband only told his son this to "get back" at BM. If he felt their child had the right to know then he would have done this as part of his birth story starting years ago or with the help of a professional for guidance. Does he expect their child to love mom less now? I mean in the end, someone else provided genetic material and that is it. This isn't someone who will ever be a part of this child's life or has anything to do with parenting. The egg donor's medical history is the only thing that may matter at some point.
I cannot imagine he will have
I cannot imagine he will have any legal troubles over this, but that was certainly a d*ck move. I'm not sure what he hoped to accomplish, but I suspect sharing this sensitive information with his son in the manner he did will cause him more trouble than it's worth.
Oh good lord just what we need...what do you mean by
"more trouble than its worth"
This is why
When my parents were divorcing my mother told me something about how my dad felt about me. She could claim it was "in my best interest" to know. But I don't believe it's how my dad felt, I've never asked, and in the thirty-ish years since she said it I've not seen him treat me the way he would if it were true. All my mom did was make herself look petty and vindictive and if she was trying to get me to think less of my dad it backfired because I think less of her for it.
Your SS may initially be upset in general to know he's not "part of his mom" but at 12 and without the consent of the other person (BM) involved in that decision to try a donor, he's gonna come around to being upset that DH told him. And he's gonna question what else his parents have told him and wonder what else he hasn't been told.
That was totally inappropriate for your DH to do. It would be inappropriate for BM to do it without your DHs knowledge and consent, too. AND both should either have had it as part of his story from the beginning or wait until he was an adult and it actually became necessary (like medically) to tell him.
criminal problems, doubtful
Bite him in a custody fight, maybe.
Piss off his son years from now, maybe
I'm sorry when I said "legal trouble" I
did not mean like thrown in jail BUT like "family court trouble". Could the judge give BM full custody over this or restrict DH visitation because he did this? I know BM is going to BLOW UP but need to know how family court will react over this. Slap on the wrist for DH or something worse??? Yes I don't agree with what was done but know need to prepare for what may come
Slap on the wrist.
Slap on the wrist.
"Well Combined with BM being
"Well Combined with BM being a total controlling bitch"
This statement makes it clear that your DH did this retaliate. I just don't understand what he hoped to a accomplish. Its not as if this negstes BM as the child's mother. Also, this is a clear case of PAS. Your DH may not have any legal issues because of this, but he has just shown his 12 year old what kind of father he is. Your DH should be ashamed of himself.
Just becuase OPs DH calls his ex
Cotnrolling does not make her so. Examples would be helpful. If controlling means sticking with court order, I do not consider that controlling
Awe thats really sad....I am
Awe thats really sad....I am usually on team “stick it to BM when you can” but not in this case
how immature and mean. That poor kid and what does this have to do with anything at all? The kid never needed to know.
wow......in this case I root for BM to fight her ass off over this because clearly this kids dad doesn’t give a crap about him and is too consumed with getting back at BM. Do you really want to be with someone who would intentionally hurt his own child just get back at his ex. Yikes!
anything that comes your DHs way after this he totally deserves.
No the kid DOES need to know
No the kid DOES need to know for medical reasons. But not at 12. If they'd wanted the kid to know in childhood they should have said so earlier and in a co-parenting way.
for what medical reasons? It
for what medical reasons? It's not like the kid can track down the egg doner and ask her health questions.
So in what way does the kid NEED to know?
At 12 he is a minor
and any health information would be his parents problem. It could be possible for him to inherit a genetic problem and would need to know the history of the egg donor. They usually screen donors pretty thoroughly so it's unlikely yet there is still the possibility it could be useful to know in the future. For example, "do you have a family history of..." would not apply to this kid on his mom's side and yet he could get an inaccurate diagnosis if he said "why, yes, my mom's side of the family does get this all the time."
Poor kid!
What a horrible way to find out. Please be more worried about getting him and your DH into counseling. Court is a lot less important than what your DH just did to his son.
Personally I think both
Personally I think both parents are crappy for not telling the kid until now. It’s no different than being adopted. What’s the big deal that he knows?
Sure dad dad shouldn’t have told him if it was to get back at mom but we don’t know that. Maybe he just wanted his son to know the truth.
Whether Dad "wanted son to know the truth"
or not, he's taken away his son's mother's agency to be part of the decision to tell him. OK so she's a bitch, a horrible person. Congrats Buddy, you just stooped to her level. Plus, to me it seems almost.... patiarcial? mysongonistic? somehow.
From reading this blog the
From reading this blog the only flaw I see from BM was choosing to breed with a narcissist.
I'm "team crappy move". It's
I'm "team crappy move". It's clear dad told the boy in the vein of "she isn't even your real biological mother". It was meant to put a wedge of some sort between the boy and his mom... possibly make that connection less intense... to have the kid question his mother's love for him.. and what else she may have "lied to him about".
So.. yeah.. dumb, cruel, insensitive.. jerk move.
Legally will it impact his court custody stuff? Well, yeah.. it could if it's combined with other things that the court might view as alienating behavior. They also may go so far as to reduce his custody.. or require that his custody is supervised to not allow him to continue to give the kid information or try to turn him against his mother. Absolutely, if the kid develops mental issues due to the added stress of this information.. the court will see your DH as the cause of the kid's mental anguish. NOT a good look for him.
It shows your husband to be vindictive, indifferent to his own son's feelings, immature.. basically all sorts of things you don't want said about you in a custody fight.
Sure, at some point when the kid is in charge of his own medical care he should be given access to whatever egg donor medical history that the parents have.. but there was zero need other than the husband being an ahole to spring this on the kid NOW.. and without letting BM know so that they could tell him together.
New member, controversial
New member, controversial topic, makes dad the bad guy, doesn't come back to clarify or answer more :) Some posters jump on to say 'see, dads can PAS too'- hmmm, I've seen this trollytelling-oops I meant storytelling before.
Total dick move.
Total dick move. The only reason to have this information would be for health history and that would not be relevant until the child was in charge of his own health care. At 12 he is under the care of his parents and any health history information is taken care of by them. Any doctor asking the child directly about "family history of diabetes" is going to be rewarded with nothing more than a blank look and shrug. Your DH obviously did this solely for the purpose of hurting his ex. The least he can do is own up to it and do his best to apologize to both his son and ex.
Wow. I can't imagine what
Wow. I can't imagine what legal troubles there would be and I doubt family court would take it seriously, but what a shitty thing to do to a kid. Like others have said, it sounds like he was trying to get back at BM or make SS feel that BM isn't his real mother. There is absolutely no reason a 12 year old needs this information. They aren't even mature enough to process such a thing. Ugh just awful for the kid.
How disgusting of your DH for
How disgusting of your DH for telling this to ss12. I have a preteen son and couldn't imagine burdening him with this kind of information for no good reason. The parents made the decision togehter to have a baby this way and it should have been a joint decision as to when or if they told him. Obviously up until this point they decided not to tell him. To tell a 12 yr old because he "deserved to know" is just a sh*t excuse to try to hurt his mother. Unfortunately he's likely hurt his own son more than anyone else.
I only see trouble coming out of this for DH. SS will likely resent him for being so cruel and for the reaction and hurt it will cause his mother. As for legal troubles, it's not illegal to my knowledge, but as other posters mentioned BM could retailiate and cause DH issues. If they ever end up in court, DH's ill timed retalitory admission will be brought up front and center. No judge would look kindly on telling such a young child this information soley to hurt the other parent.
DH is truly selfish and will not hesitate to expose secrets, backstab, and even hurt his own son to boost his ego. You said,
This is about more than just medical information, this is about DH's character. DH is showing you that he will do whatever it takes to win no matter who it hurts. Remember this when you're on his bad side.