You need to leave it to your DH.

You can support him but don't take that on yourself. It's not your place and will only cause major issues.

I think you should stay out of it.

Do you think your dh is NOT aware there are DNA tests?

1. Does the child look like DH or the BM's current husband.

2. Does the child resemble dh's brothers, sisters, cousins, parents.

3. IF bm is married--how long has she been married to her husband. What about BM's other boyfriends from the past.

Before DNA folks would look at the child to see if there was a resemblance to the father, fathers family and extended family. You know the old saying The kids looks like the milk man he probably IS the milkman's.

There is truth and science behind that.

I know someone who has a child that looks like the BM's current husband AND BM's current husbands elderly dad, BM's current husbands brother and HIS brothers Kids. Now there's the horses ass if I do say so myself.

So either bm was pregnant from her NOW husband (the guy she cheated with during her marriage) OR BM's MOM had an affair, produced kids with the elderly dad years ago.

Women have been playing this shuffle the sperm around for years and years. Now a days it is who ever has the most money for Child Support wins the daddy title.

My ss does not resemble my DH at all, not one tiny bit. He's 25 now. He was conceived during a very cheating time on her part. We've discussed it, but really that's as far as it went. We love him, help raise him etc... My sd is the spitting image of my DH and there are no doubts. It crops up in my thoughts every now and then, but mostly I think this is a burden for the bio mom to carry. You know she must know.

Everyone should know WHO their real parents are.

I bet your ss feels something is off deep down.

Just say neutral things like, " That must be a bad feeling," "I'm so sorry you have this worry." DH knows as well as you do that there are DNA services available to consumers now. If he wanted to get it done he would have by now. He can do it in the future any time he likes. Don't egg him on either way.

I had a close friend years ago who was divorced from a cheater. He used to tell me from time to time that he wasn't sure if the younger child was really his. It was a heartache to him. But he also said it wouldn't change things. So he continued to pay child support and parent the little guy and love him to bits - all while having this hurtful question in his heart. Some human problems are not solvable.

Here's the thing. If you do the test and find out that he is not the father it's a whole new world of issues.

He will it impact dad's view of the child. Will he still think of him as his child or want to reject him.

If the child is not his then he has no more legal rights to see the kid if BM doesn't want to let him.

If he's been paying child support he doesn't get it back.

Here's the kicker too. Depending on state he may still be required to pay even after he's proved it's not his kid. Ontop of that BM may not have to let him see the child because it's not his kid. Funny right. He can andnit has happened be denied the right to see the child since it's not his but still be forced to pay for the child since he is considered the father by that side of the law until someone else is found or decides to take over the roll.

Yes the kid should know who his real dad is but it comes with some major repercussions that DH may not be ready to handle. If DH wants to stay in then kids life he needs to accept he might not be the BIOdad bit he's still a father to him. He can always do the test when the child is no longer a child. At that point the kid has the ability to maintain a relationship outside of his mother's control.

I belive most states have the rule that children born while husband and wife are married are considered to be part of that union regardless. Even if husband and wife are separated, although if BM is still married but with a new man, BM and her hew man could demand a paternity test, and if it was shown to the new man's, I think it would still have to go thru the court.

AND, husband would still be responsible for any child support payments past, present and future, as per the divorce contract. In a way, this makes sense, and in way it doesn't. DNA is here now, but going back 1,000+ years it has always been known that there is no way to really guarantee who "real" daddy is. But, the issue always comes up of the husband getting screwed all the way around. I think most feel, at the end of the day, what about the kid?

This is almost the same rationale, tho., as what you can see here with SMs. BM can be a raving, control lunatic, and not only is DH supposed to put up with it, but SM is expected to put up with it as well, because it is supposed to be all about the kid. It's hard. So fake-bio-dad is supposed to put up with this fiasco that was not of his creation, just for the sake of a child that is not his? Tough one.

I know my husband falls into this category too with his son. He is not sure. Both dad and mom are dark haired and have brown eyes. Their son has light hair and blue eyes. And, my DH says he never really felt that close to his son, for some reason. But, his son is now about 30 years old, and it is what it is at this point. They still do not have a close relationship and probably never will, but that is due to BM poisoning the well as much as it is DH's anxiety. Nonetheless, DH calls him son and phones and sends cards, and his son calls him on Father's Day and holidays. He is certainly part of the family (unlike me !).

DH raised the kid till now, thus making him the father. Leave it....

BM just informed SO Aergia might not be his, something I've known for 8 years now, or suspected at least....
I simply told SO... Hon it does not matter if she has your DNA or not, you raised her for 18 years, you will always be her father,.... (now for those who know me... this was pure hell saying this lol) SO asked me if he should do paternity or DNA test.... I simply asked why, what will it change... are you suddenly going to cut her off? He replied with NO, he will not cut her off and it will change nothing... so what's the point then

My DH married BM after a ONS when he was on leave from the military. She had been the town bike for years which is why he asked her out (no not a very honorable action on his part. But what a horny 20 year old often does). He was out of the country when his commanding officer contacted him that he need to go "take care of this". This was over 40 years ago when the world was different.

My DH is a very honorable man. Back in those days it was "the right thing to do" for a man to marry a woman he had impregnated no matter how little connection they had (yes stupid, stupid, stupid). DH's father never believed that DH was the father - but there was no DNA testing back then.

DH raised that son - although he became a hideous gang member involved in MURDER. He ran from the law and years later when he died BM totally left DH out of everything including the funeral. DH did not even know that he was dead. I still think that was a HORRIBLE thing to do to DH, but maybe it was because she knew that DH was not really his bio father.

Maybe he was, maybe he wasn't - doesn't matter at all now.
But I do think an adult deserves to know their actual parentage if possible.

My father's father deserted his 4 children (ages 4,3,2,6 months) a hundred years ago because he thought the youngest was not his. My father (the 2 year old) did not meet his brother (the baby) until they were long grown. They were raised thousands of miles apart, but both were two peas in a pod. No DNA test was ever done - but my guess is that they were full brothers.

I personally would not put this burden on a minor child. But an adult does deserve to know their genetic background.