DH Ex Wife Issues
I know- I know - I keep venting but since I found this site it's so good to get things off my chest so to speak and get other's opinions on things!!
A few months ago, when it was DH's weekend - BM asked for him to meet her and SS at a resturant because she had to 'talk to him' -- UGH UGH UGH. DH agreed even though I was not happy about it. I'm sorry but do they really need to go out to dinner together to 'discuss stuff'??!! Usually when they discuss stuff it end up in one way yelling match with her yelling and DH just standing there.
So they go to dinner, she tells him that she needs him to sign some papers since they share legal custody to get SS tested for ADHD - she conveniently forgot to bring the papers with her (the papers never were given to him to sign so I guess that was just a ruse to get him to dinner????) and the conversation went on to how she wants to be 'friends' with me - the SM for the sake of SS. She wants us all to go to dinner every once in a while and generally be besties. DH didn't have the nerve to stand up to her and say 'NO' right to her face.
This will never happen because even though she has supposedly 'moved on' - has a new man in her life, who does not live with her!! but is there very night of the week according to SS - he calls him Daddy etc. They have a new son together that is 3 yrs old. She still seems to be trying to drive wedges between DH and I. Why does she do this if she has truely moved on??!! She calls me all sorts of names - I hear her on the phone when she's yelling at DH about this or that. She is a grand manipulator and her son is the same way.
She also tells SS that I am not his mother therefore he doesn't have to listen to me - just to his dad. And she thinks I want to go to dinner with her? We've never met face to face - NEVER and I never plan too. There is no reason we have to be friends - it just wont' happen and I don't think it has to. Sure - in a perfect world that would great - but guess what? This isn't a perfect world - their divorce was not amicable and she is high conflict!!! I just stay away from her and her drama and it's going to keep right on being that way.
When we first moved into the apartment we are in now - she insisted that she has to walk through and approve the apartment. I put my foot down and said 'no' - there is no reason she comes into our house. If she doesnt' trust us to find suitable houseing then she should't be letting him come . This is my and DH's home and she will not enter - she just wanted to be nosy and see what we have. She did this at the last place we were at and DH allowed it and she kept coming in all the time - I hated it. SO NO !! NOT IN THE NEW PLACE. We've been in this apartment 4 years now I think and she still asks every once in a while to see the place. WTH?
You are right to keep your
You are right to keep your boundaries, now if you can just get your husband to do the same.
Being friends for SS's sake? No. BMs and SMs not being friends does not do anything detrimental to a kid. It's all of the crap that high conflict BMs do OR out of control SMs (yes, they exist) that cause issues.
She just wants to feel like she's in control. The better she gets to know you, the better she can figure out how to manipulate you.
I don't understand ANY parent telling their kid that it's okay to disrespect an adult. Great parenting, right there.
She just wants to feel like
She just wants to feel like she's in control. The better she gets to know you, the better she can figure out how to manipulate you.
You just hit the nail on the head with this one! Thank yoU!
Absolutely maintain your
Absolutely maintain your boundaries. But, until DH sets and maintains boundaries BM is going to continue to manipulate. You and he need to get on the same page or you may need to disengage. What does DH say to SS about respecting you in your home? Why on earth would DH agree to go to dinner with her? Communication about SS doesn't have to be done over dinner.
DH agreed to dinner because
DH agreed to dinner because he was to chicken to say no - I keep telling him one of these days he MUST learn to stand up to her!!! And say NO!
DH always tells SS he must listen when I talk and do what I say but he doesnt' really enforce it. I've learned to mostly disengage when SS is there - I no longer cook or clean up after him (unless it's wiping pee off the toilet seat before I sit in it) I mostly go away or stay in bedroom when he's over. Because I cannot stand how he does not follow house rules. Our 4 almost 5 yr old BS follows them so surely an 8 yr old should be able too
When I first got married to
When I first got married to my DH BM and OSS tried everything in their power to drive me away. Hell they still try to do it from time to time. BM even tried to tell my DH that they needed to sit down and have a "meeting" about the kids which included a dinner. I told my DH if he went out to dinner with BM alone and I didn't care what the reason was for I would be gone before he came back. OP it sounds to me like your DH is choosing BM's needs before your own HIS WIFE. Things can be discussed with BM especially if she is high conflict through email or on the phone and if BM needs your DH to sign some important documents then she can mail them to him. This is utter BS and I am sorry that you are dealing with this but you have to put your foot down or you will be dealing with this for the rest of your marriage. You deserve to be happy!!
The BM here tried stuff like
The BM here tried stuff like this all the time. So the dinners are just a form of BM marking her territory and getting alone time with your DH. Your DH was in the wrong for agreeing to go to dinner with her. She withheld the papers because she sees it as another opportunity to force another sit down with your DH for time and attention. Your DH should have informed her that sharing a meal with her was unnecessary, if there was no emergency, she could send him and email and if he needed to sign a paper then she could bring it when they met up for visitation or she could send it via email. Your DH's balls are in her hand bag. Many men go the path of least resistance. My DH was the same, so unfortunately I had to beat the BM into submission and retrieve my DH's balls for him.
The BM here tried to get me to go to dinner with her. I told DH he probably wouldn't want that because I would say what was exactly on my mind. I believe she wanted to meet me in order to size me up. She has told DH many times that she is going to win him back and has tried things like sending naked photos of herself and trying to get DH to spend time with skids in her home. I think she wanted to check out the competition. I let her know I am busy, have a career and prioritize spending time with my family above everything else when I actually have a day off so while I appreciated the offer, she needed to book a dinner with me several weeks in advance. DH will not knowingly be alone with her (including going out to dinner with her and skids now) and anything she asks of him, DH says he has to discuss it with his wife first. She hates hearing that decisions need to be discussed with me but I think it reinforces that DH and I are a team. She tried for the longest time to make me the odd man out, that back fired on her big time. DH wanted to build a life and family with me, BM trying to break it up only puts her more firmly in the enemy corner. DH and I have been together for 7 years, just as long as their total marriage lasted from beginning to end. They have actually been divorced longer than they were ever married now. It took 3 years to firmly put BM in her place. Unfortunately, she is one of those GUBM's that think a relationship with "her" kids must mean a relationship with her too. She has PAS'd skids even more and DH hasn't even talked to them in years. He honestly doesn't even care at this point. Visitations were miserable, skids were up their mom's butt while they were here, they were trained by BM that DH only existed to be a walking ATM and servant. DH lost a bat sh*t crazy woman trying to ruin our marriage and 2 kids developing her genetic mental disorders that couldn't care less about him.
BM over here doesn't respect
BM over here doesn't respect any boundaries and violates the CO over here to no end. She treats my DH like he is just a sperm donor and ATM machine. Everything is so one-sided with her DH has to follow the CO and has to obey her every command but since she is the mother she gets to do whatever she wants. It is just so sick to deal with and watch I am not trying to disengage from all of BM's games.