Devastated
So I haven't posted on here in a LONG time... but I'm just at a loss right now.
Ok so my SD complained to her mom yesterday that she no longer wants to come to our house because we "nag" her too much. So she asked her mom to call DH (SD didn't want to "hurt" our feelings).
SD is 14... lately (last 6 months or so)... she has developed a pretty bad attitude. Then about a month or so ago she pretty much stopped eating when she would come to our house (we were getting her every weekend)... We have constantly told her that she could have food any time. And every time I go to the grocery I ask if there is anything special she wants. She is a very picky eater, and I've always catered to that... so we don't make stuff she "doesn't like" on the weekends. Lately it's taken her the entire time she's at the house to finish a meal. Every time we ask her to eat, she says she's "not hungry"... to which my husband says "you always say that"... then she says she's always hungry (I know it doesn't make sense).
She also stated she doesn't like the fact that she is forced to go places with us (errands, family functions, amusement parks, sporting events, etc) or interact with others when out and about.
My DH is extremely hurt by all this, and is ready to throw in the towel. I honestly can't blame him, we've bent over backwards for her... and all we get is attitude and now this. However, I've tried encouraging him to not make any rash decisions. She has a boyfriend (truly a good kid) but I think she would rather be at her mom's because no one there "bothers" here. And of course BM is not helping make matters any better.
Part of me wants to reach out to her and explain that she needs to contact her dad (he does NOT want me reaching out to her at all regarding this).
I'm just so devastated about all of this, because up until the last few months, I thought we had a really good relationship with her... apparently DH and I were wrong.
Been there. Found out after
Been there. Found out after 10 years what my SD really thought about me and her dad. After she tried to get DH to hit her (very out of character for her), she stopped coming over for awhile. Then came back, then stopped again.
It did really hurt (like you, I thought we had a pretty good relationship) but I got over it and just became indifferent to her. She's 26, now, and her and DH have a relationship over the phone, rarely seeing each other. She is still very co-dependent on her mother and nothing that DH says or does makes any difference. He has just accepted that it is what it is.
All I could do (then and now) was be there for my DH. Listen to him, support him, and reassure him that it was nothing that he did because it wasn't. He was very attentive to her when she was over and he was a good dad. Even when he and BM were married, he was the main caregiver and nurturer for SD. But, they split when she was almost 5 so it was easy for BM to create false memories and convince SD that he was never there for her.
I hope your SD matures and comes around, and doesn't just blow the whole relationship, like my SD did.
Your DH needs to take the
Your DH needs to take the lead on this but a few things I'd say. Remember the girl is a still a child. Yes a teenage child but she's not an adult. She's not the boss.
If she doesn't eat that's her choice. She's old enough to make her own food and clearly you provide her with options. Leave it at that. Make dinner as you will. She doesn't want to eat drop it I'd say.
She doesn't want to come along on stuff then pick your battles. She HAS to participate in family stuff. Not an option. Fun things that she may argue are extremely important since it helps her see the adults in her life in a different light. Kind of puts you on an even playing field and everyone get's to play together. For errands you've got to decide. I didn't want to go with my mom to the store at 14 and that was ok. She could trust me alone and honestly it was easier for her. If you are comfortable leaving her at home and it's a reasonable time limit then consider it. Totally understanding if it's not possible because of her behavior or the laws where you live.
I agree don't give up. She's at a tough time and yes mom's seems more fun to her because whatever reason but she still needs her dad. It hurts. Teens say very cruel things. They just don't seem to care about anyone feelings but if she's not causing MAJOR issues then try to stick it through the attitude. The other option is letting her go and giving up. I don't feel that's where your DH is yet. I could be wrong. You guys ultimately have to do what's best for your family.
Does she have anorexia?
Does she have anorexia?
i could not agree with echo
i could not agree with echo more! perfectly put.
" Lately it's taken her the
" Lately it's taken her the entire time she's at the house to finish a meal."
Not sure what this statement means, but I'm going to assume it doesn't mean Dad just keeps giving her the same plate of plate all weekend until it's finally gone.
I'm wondering about the food thing too. First thing I would insist on before anything else is decided, is a complete physical (labs and the whole bit). My oldest daughter, when she was 16/17 had me worried crazy. She was always thin and petite, but she was down to 84 pounds and skinny skinny, was working and doing busy normal social life but the girl looked like someone needed desperately to feed her a sandwich (or two or three). She was way too thin and I was very worried about her health wise. No, my daughter didn't have an eating disorder (I feared she did). She checked out perfectly healthy. Dr. told me to stop nagging the heck out of her. Not satisfied, I had two more doctors go over it all again and tell me the same thing.
So , be sure she is indeed healthy, and has no eating disorder.
Stay out of it and let it go,
Stay out of it and let it go, it's between her and her father.....
all you can do is listen to him and support him... their relationship is their problem.
She DOES want to hurt his
She DOES want to hurt his feelings (and yours), she's just being a coward about it, which makes it twice as gross. She wants you to cater to her some more. What a bitch. Good riddance.
Maybe I'm missing something
Maybe I'm missing something but you have a teenage girl who isn't eating and that's not causing any alarm bells??? Is she losing weight??? If not and you're sure this is just her being difficult then I can sympathise but you need to rule out an eating disorder first.
Teenagers are superficial and awful creatures as a whole and they are always going to choose to be at whatever house they get the best deal.
Since she's 14, while she's
Since she's 14, while she's entitled to her opinion, she doesn't get to choose whether she'll participate in parenting time or not.
There have been plenty of times in my life when I haven't wanted to do things that I've been committed to doing, and there have been even more times when I've done things because they were the right thing to do long term. Little buttercup needs to suck it up.
If she's not in therapy already, it might be a great time for that to start. The eating issues are more about exercising control than anything, which is quite dysfunctional and could absolutely indicate an eating disorder.
I think you're taking this
I think you're taking this all too personally. She is a 14 year old girl!! Hormones are flying, she's just becoming aware of her independence and probably resents having to go away from home where she has her friends and boyfriend. I can speak on two counts - I have a daughter who was 14 once and remember the arguments about not wanting to come with us to family events, not even wanting to be in the same room to watch TV with us (she soon grew out of it after a year or so). My parents were also divorced and I remember when I got to about 14 hating having to go to stay at my dads at the weekend. It wasn't that I didn't love him or like his new wife - I just wanted to be with my own friends and felt like I was missing out by staying with them.
Maybe if you explain that you understand this and perhaps think up some suggestions it will mellow her a bit.
Also, if you are worried about her eating, try sitting down with her to watch some films about anorexia (the life of Karen Carpenter etc). I did this with my daughter who was developing bad eating habits, lost loads of weight to the point that her periods stopped. I can't remember the name of the film as it was so long ago, but I didn't tell her we were going to watch it, just put it on like any movie with popcorn, but she was quite shocked and upset by it as the girl had anorexia and finally died of a heart attack very young. After the film, I told her how worried I was about her weight and she finally agreed to start eating sensibly. It was never a problem after - but needs nipping in the bud before it gets out of control.
Hey everyone thank you all so
Hey everyone thank you all so much for the advice! This is exactly why I reached out here.
No- I didn't reach out to her, and neither has DH until today.
today (she posted something inappropriate to her social media page) he didn't have any contact with BM (so make her aware)... so they both talked to her about it.
I whole heartedly agree that we adults are responsible for feeding her picky eating behavior. I do not think that she is anorexic. She has two different households that have very different diets... BMs consists of mostly fast food... whereas ours is mostly home cooked. Up until 2 years ago ours was the same as BMs, but DH and I started to develop severe health problems and we made a change in our diet. so I believe this could be a part of it.., but I don't know.
As for errands, unfortunately DH does not feel comfortable with her being home alone... and I respect that. It has nothing to do with her, he's just worried that something would happen to her while we're gone.
She is already staying at BMs this weekend (already planned) and BM stated that SD will be coming over to our house next weekend.
Again, thank you all.
I love her like she is my own and I'm praying she does come around.
"As for errands,
"As for errands, unfortunately DH does not feel comfortable with her being home alone... and I respect that. It has nothing to do with her, he's just worried that something would happen to her while we're gone."
What is Dad worried so about? I agree with Echo that at 14yr olds old, Dad can't keep treating the teen as if she's a young child. You state it as nothing to do with the child, meaning he doesn't feel she is too immature or untrustworthy, right?
Do you live in a particularly very dangerous neighborhood? A house that falls way below code? Surrounded by a high number of persons registered on the sex predator list? Do you live in a very rural country setting where 'help' may be far off? Have you asked him exactly what he fears?
Yeah, I would not leave a 14yr old home alone for hours and hours (such as the weekend), but surely a few hours while Dad runs errands or you and Dad run do an afternoon outing alone if she's not interested in going too. You mentioned family functions. I do think she should attend family dinners/get-togethers, but I don't think I'd force her to go to Cousin Jimmy's baseball game or Sally's dance recital if she has no interest. You also mention for one of your examples, amusement park. Has Dad amused her perhaps a few too many times? As in time to find other entertainment or maybe have her invite a girlfriend to tag along.
SD is at the age where her young and still somewhat limited social life becomes important to the teen. Hanging with Dad and SM and going going going all weekend is going to grow old real quick.
What kind of things does SD do when she is on Mom's time? Does she have some freedoms at Mom's ( age appropriate, of course) that Dad still forbids?
I'm just tossing things out in an attempt to give you ideas that you and husband could possibly discussion. It may be time to review your household and routines. I do believe that sometimes parents fail to notice and realize their children are growing up and not little kids anymore. I may be , indeed, harder for fathers than mothers to see that their daughters are not kiddies anymore , I think some fathers will always want to still see the little girl in their daughters. But that's not fair to the maturing and growing child. The girl goes to school everyday and is surrounded by peers and kids who act their age. Will SD be a freshman in HS this August?
Ok so I agree DH needs to let
Ok so I agree DH needs to let her go a bit. So this is something we are going to work on.
Having a BF was not our choice. I think she is WAY too young, but BM gave the ok. And he is a good kid.
The social pic in question is of her and her BF making out. No I'm not stupid or naive- I know they're doing that offline... but we've talked to her and showed her how important it is to be careful about what you post online in the past, and it didn't work. So we've talked to her again and have been researching what to do.
DH & BM had a very healthy conversation with her where THEY mostly listened. Appearently a lot of these issues are going on at her moms too. There are some other issues that are now coming to life. DH has a severe case of OCD (so does several other family members). She has mentioned things that make all of us concerned that she has it too... she wants to go see a Dr- so this week he is researching Drs that focus in teens with issues like this (she said she is anxious all of the time and that is why she is not hungry). So all of us (her especially) would like to go talk to a pro. We have also told her there is nothing wrong with seeking help and we're glad she told us.
As for the amusement park we have always offered to pay for a friend to come to the one nearby. The one in question was an airplane ride away and we could not afford for her to bring a friend.
Dang, I send my just turned
Dang, I send my just turned 15 yr old and 10 yr old to do errands for me. They walk the dog by themselves and go to the store and do shopping if we ran out of something. Guess I'm old school thinking that kids should be responsible and contribute at a young age.
Hey everyone I should have
Hey everyone I should have said this before- but we live 5 minutes from her moms... so there's no distance issue there.
yes the young lady is a
yes the young lady is a teenager but there is something called boundaries and sometimes we all have to do things wed rather not.
she needs to get with the program and participate.