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desperate for advise

mummy_t's picture

Hi there a bit of background first, Me and my husband have been married for 6 years we have 3 children together we also have his 3 children living with us full time aged 12, 9, and 8 they used to see their biological mum once a fortnight for about 4/5 hours as we live a fair distance away and we used to take them and go visit family then covid hit and they have seen her about 3 times in a year but they do video call every saturday. They all call me mummy through choice we have always told them the truth i have brought up the 8 year old since day 1 and obviously the 9 year old was only a year old. The mum doesnt want them to live with her. My issue started before covid and has been going on for years but seems worse because of lockdown the step kids wait till i leave the room to ask their dad a question, i can be sat in the room on my own with them for a good hour and not a word is said i leave the room and every one of them start talking or asking questions of my husband. If they are playing in the conservetory they wait till i leave the front room to come out and ask something, they see me coming and head back out again. If i speak to any of them or ask them a question its always the same answer of "i dont know" or "i should have". They dont come and ask for help with their school work if they need it even though am supposed to be hometeaching them, i see that they have questions wrong and try to show them where they have gone wrong and they cry at me or dont speak.

I used to do the discipline but now my husband does, i have always treatesd them the same as my own which are only 4, 3 and 18 months anyway, i do anything and everything for them but hurt so much by the way they are treating me, ive tried to show it doesnt bother me but its still carried on.

Any advise on how to deal with this would be helpful please many thanks 

Rags's picture

The problem in all of this is your DH.  He needs to jerk a knot in the tails of his failed family progeny and set out clear standards of respectful interface with  you.  Walking out when you walk in, not speaking with you in depth, etc... is all wiillful disrepsect for his wife and he should not tolerate it.

Neither should you.  

When they pull that crap they should be immediately called back in the room to stand there until they behave as required by your DH and by you.

Lather............................ rinse .................... repeat.

mummy_t's picture

He has tried really hard to make them talk it works for couple of hours that stops again he has tried to make them ask me questions relating to what I am doing for example when they ask what's for tea he tells them to ask me as I am the one cooking it sometimes they do sometimes they don't bother or get the younger children to ask if they do that I make something up lol 

tog redux's picture

Do you think bio mom is saying things like, "don't listen to her, she's not your mother?"  Or alternately, is DH really easy on them so they go to him instead of you?

mummy_t's picture

We wasn't sure if bm was saying something when they visited but she adamant she didn't when told how they treated me but to be fair she hasn't got the chance on video calls they been having since COVID my dh is not as easy on them as he used to be so I don't think that the problem he can't see any way to change it either it affects all our family life x