Definition of a lie
Both my husband and SD lie all the time, and it's driving me crazy.
For example, my husband works in the tax field and told me he could not take ANY time off until after April 15. Well, last night he told me he's taking March 17 off for St. Patrick's Day. I got a little ticked because he lied to me and because I have to do everything for our two BDs and it would be nice to have a little help. BD4 has a dentist appointment, which it now seems he could have taken her to. He says it wasn't a lie. Opinions?
SD is supposed to wash dishes for a week, then husband does a week and I do a week. She only did dishes three days last week (Sunday, Thursday, and Friday). When I held her to it, she claimed she had washed dishes EVERY DAY last week. After she left the room, I told husband she had NOT washed them every day, only the three I'd mentioned, and that she was lying to him. He said, "Maybe she thinks she did them." What?! She knows she didn't, but she also knows he doesn't keep track and will ALWAYS give her the benefit of the doubt.
I say telling me one thing and then changing it later when it suits you is a lie.
Not liars...
Just exaggerators. The words NEVER, ALWAYS, EVERY, ANYtime off, are huge indicators that they are just drama kings/queens.
My skids BM is like that, when she doesn't get her way she always replys with "YOU NEVER.....", "I ALWAYS...." and blah, blah, blah. I know how tiresome this can be. Sorry.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
Ha!
I called my husband a prima donna once and he got all pissy and had to go look it up in the dictionary! That was funny.
Selective memory
That's what they both have, from the sounds of thing. To me, telling a lie means knowingly saying something false with the intent to deceive the other person. Maybe they are liars, depending upon your definition, but what difference does it make when the bottom line is that your needs are not being met?! You probably don't even care WHY they are not being met anymore, do you? You probably would just like to see some real change. Huh.
From the sound of this and previous blogs, you're doing it all. (Or at least more than your share of it.) What would happen if you stopped keeping score, did only what had to be done for yourself and your two, then let DH and SD fend for themselves?
If it's not your week to wash dishes, then don't wash a single dish. If there's not a single clean dish in the house, then yes, wash what you need just for you, but leave the rest. How long would DH let it go without taking action?
What if the next time the kids need a check-up or to be dropped off someplace, you tell him, "Hey, I did it last time. It's your turn." What would happen?
It sounds like you're kind of stuck in a cycle where no one else does anything, so you end up doing it all. That pisses you off, so you're keeping score to prove to DH/SD that they don't do anything, which is probably only going to piss them off and make them want to do even less. It's a vicious cycle. I think your DH needs some visual clues, like going into his closet and discovering he has no clean clothes to wear to work because you were too busy being a single parent to do his wash.
Did you ever talk to him about taking on more of the responsibility for the BD's without actually mentioning SD?
♥ Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
Unfortunately, SD lies all the time
Maybe that's a bad example. A better one would be the lie she told to get to play volleyball. She wanted to play volleyball in BM's home town, an hour away from us. SD lives with us. So that means transporting her up there and then home again twice a week. My husband told her the most he could take her up there was once a month, maximum. So SD told BM that husband agreed to take her. BM signed SD up, and then BM called husband and he told her what he'd really said. But SD still got to play volleyball.
But yes, you're correct that I do pretty much everything at our house. Husband is supposed to make dinner twice a week, one night of which is Tuesday. He decided to go out with his friend after work Tuesday instead. When he came home around 7:15 pm he expected me to have made dinner and was not pleased that I hadn't.
I talk to him all the time about doing more things with BDs, and I never mention SD. What I say on this site is to relieve my frustration. I don't spend time telling him how much more he does with SD than with BDs because I know he would just shut down. He will try like very briefly but then revert to his old ways.
I don't get it.
I just can't think of any reason why he would focus so much on SD and have nothing to do with BD's. I also can't figure out why he would dump everything on you. Has it always been like this? If SD lives with you, then it can't be guilt that he doesn't spend as much time with her as he does with BD's. Do you think it's guilt that he's married to BD's mother and not hers? Is he overcompensating for SD having a "broken" home? (Pardon me while I gag.) I just don't get it, Elizabeth. It makes no sense. I don't know how you do it. I would probably be going off left and right. Do you know if he was very hands-on with SD when she was a toddler? Could it be that he's just uncomfortable around smaller children and will snap out of this as they get older?
♥ Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
Good questions
Before we married, my husband spent HOURS every Saturday working around the house. Cleaning inside, doing laundry, etc. Once we got married, he decided it was time for him to go do things he enjoys all the time and leave me to do the housework, etc. So I do cooking, cleaning, child care, laundry, and some dishes. He does yard work (when needed), some dishes, and car maintenance (unless he decides he can't do it and takes it to a mechanic instead).
I do think he is overcompensating. I used to take SD to do things (buy an outfit for an event, etc.) until her attitude got too much to take. So now he has to do it. SD lays on the guilt extra-thick and he tries his best to do more for her to make up for it. Like last night, he tried to talk to her about her F in algebra. As soon as he brought it up she started berating HIM. And he let her! I mean, come on.
So what is he doing
While he is off?
Probably drinking
And going to the parade. I'm going to ask him today to take care of BDs that day, since he's off and they don't get to spend much time with him. He'll probably say no...
He's insane
Up until last year, my husband would pull SD out of school to go to the St. Patrick's Day parade. What?! She's Mexican, not Irish. And I don't see going to a parade as being important enough to miss school. I told him he won't be doing that with BDs.
Sounds like my DH
Anything my SD wants, she gets. I am sure she doesn't want to go to school, so she sees this as an opportunity to get out of it. I am telling you, my SD knows just how to work my DH. Sounds about the same for you. It doesn't matter what I say my SD does, he believes her most of the time and not what I say. You believe a 10 yr and not an adult. Real mature!
DH and SD in their own little drama world.
I personally don't trust my SD much anymore. Everything is too extreme. She announced the other day (again) how good she is with pain. This was after she cut herself accidentally - maybe a nick is a better word for it - and went around the house for a WEEK showing it to me. Used up an entire box of band aids - oooohhh poor me - did you see I cut myself? Oooohhh - I can't do dinner any more, poor me.... And DH honors the drama. gag.
Everything is always blown out of proportion - or as I find out later, not exactly true. The last time was something about her bf and how he couldn't find a job this time for some other new reason - my response - whatever. So - when I know she is blowing something up - I just say that and walk away.
I REMEMBER THE BELLY!!!!
and the time she stubbed her toe and daddy had to comfort her.....
How did she EVER give birth?!?!?
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
The Belly is now the MOMMA (:>)
Yes, she is the MOMMA. And yes, she made it through a 26 hour labor - I believe the phrase is "give me my epidural!" right? Now, I get the overt demonstrations of motherly love, the explanations of why she is a "super mom" and of course, the ever popular, oooohhh, I hurted myself....
Now the baby - she is really quite the cutie.