Dealing with PAS
Hi All! I'm new to this website, but I have to say I feel MUCH better after reading many of your posts. I was feeling so guilty about how I was feeling about skids.
A little history...I have two skids, SD19 (emotionally 15) and SS13. I don't have any kids of my own. I've been with DH for a little over three years, married for 1 year. I thought I knew what I was getting into, but you don't REALLY know until you live with it. BM has been diagnosed with anything from BPD to histrionic to PTSD, and she is guilty of PAS. A parenting time coordinator was put in place which has helped a little, but BM is a master manipulator! A psychologist is now working on the PAS, yet it continues. My DH is a wonderful man, very supportive of me, however, it feels like we're walking on a tightrope with the skids. We don't want to push them away, but I have a problem being too lenient too. I'm usually very laid back, but I'm so stressed out, I'm getting upset at things I normally wouldn't. I also have chronic health issues, and my sister has been fighting very advanced cancer for two years. The agency I worked for closed (broke my heart), so I am maxed out in the stress dept. So when BM or skids pull stupid crap, I overreact. Not to them, of course, but DH has to hear about it! Then I feel bad because he is also stressed about it. He is such a hard worker and good provider, it makes me crazy when BM pulls her crap. Skids are actually pretty nice compared to some of the stories I'm hearing here. They seem to like me, but there is a wall there. They only let me in so much then the door slams. I expected that...but sometimes I feel like an outsider in my own home. It is also all about them, which could just be normal teen behavior, however, I believe some of it is BM and her sense of entitlement that she's teaching them. I was in the ER over the weekend (turns out nothing serious), and SS13 said, "we shouldn't have come here, I'm bored". DH took him home. When we got home, neither skid asked how I was...didn't mention ANYTHING about it.
Anyway, I could go on forever with BM stories, as could all of us. I know I'm jumping around a lot...there's so much to remember. It's just nice to have a place to vent with people who KNOW what I'm going through. It's different for bio parents...I just don't feel that connection to the skids that DH does. Sometimes I feel like I'm being so childish. I'm sure I'll be here venting, as the stupid stuff just keeps coming! I really feel for all of you, and I love the support I see here!
Welcome! You need to
Welcome! You need to disengage from the Skids for your sanity. It helped me stop getting so angry. I just learned to repeat under my breath, not my kids, not my problem. I left it all to DH. No contact with BM for me. He went to all email contact and that helped. I was where you are two years ago. It is better now for us since SD15 moved out. But, I had to disengage from the whole situation or I was going to have to leave with BS. Disengaging really made me see that I couldn't change how DH parents, it changed my reaction to it.
Thank you! I'm realizing now
Thank you! I'm realizing now that it's ok to disengage. BM is the "custodial parent", but during the summer we have SS13 week on/week off. Thankfully they are not here FT. SD19 comes and goes as she pleases...usually when she wants something. We're just trying to be positive influences in their lives since BM is spewing so much BS. It's such a tragedy when skids ruin otherwise good relationships. Most of our "fights" are over skids. I just don't have the emotional energy for them. I'm sick of walking on eggshells, so more often than not, I escape to my room. Only 5 more years til SS13 is 18!!! I hope I'm not rocking in a corner sucking my thumb by then! LOL
Oh, and as a side note, BM
Oh, and as a side note, BM refuses to speak to DH at all, so we don't get phone calls. She will occasionally text or email him, but most of the time she manipulates through one of the skids. She's very nice to me on the rare occasion I see her but very rude to DH. I hear SS13's text go off and I know BM is parenting from afar! But at least she doesn't call!!