Dealing with disappointment
Yesterday, my 6yr old daughter was scheduled to go down to a Swimming competition, which she was really excited about.
The swimmers that were taking part had to make their own way down to the competition due to a lack of money from the club for a minibus. So we had packed everything ready for going, last night so that we could get up at 6.30am to get breakfast and then set off. Before we set off, I checked that we had enough fuel in the car then told Dd6 to go and select a few dvds she could watch on her portable dvd player for the journey as it was about a 2-3hr drive.
We got into the car, ready to set off at 7.30am but, the car wouldn't start. I spent over an hour attempting to start it but, everytime I turned the ignition, the car just cranked whilst making the sound a car makes when it won't start (I hope that makes sense). I was getting very frustrated because nobody came to help us, instead driving right past us. After the hour, I said to Dd6 that we couldn't go to her competition due to the broken down car but she just ran inside the house crying hysterically. On the way inside, she slammed the car door shut, then went inside the house and threw a major tantrum. She threw her dolls around her room, pulled covers off her bed and threw them downstairs then stomped her feet, still crying and saying "I hate our car, its always breaking down when I want to go somewhere". When I went to cuddle her, she glared at me and said "go and try again", to which I said, "look sweetheart the car won't start, there is nothing I can do, I promise I will get it checked and you'll get next time". She was not happy and still said, "please mummy, go and try again, I will come with you", I gave in and said "fair enough but I think it still won't start". So, I went back to the car, turned the ignition another 3 times but still it wouldn't start so I said, "see, it is not going to start", her reaction was a tearful, "try longer please mummy", so I had to spend another 10mins attempting to start a car that I knew wouldn't start ".
When I got in, I cuddled Dd6 and was tearfully apologising to her but that was mainly due to tiredness and frustration and also the fact I felt like I was letting her down.
I know I didn't handle the whole thing very well so, what should I do next time in order to avoid the tantrum?
She was majorly disappointed
She was majorly disappointed and handled it the only way her brain knows how. As her brain develops she will learn to handle things better. As far as the tantrum goes, tantrums are a part of brain development and allow the brain to learn how to handle these emotions. What you can't allow as a parent is manipulation and threats. I never gave in to manipulation or threats with my bios. Things like "if you dont...then I will...." Her being angry is a natural reaction to disappointment
How could I have dealt with
How could I have dealt with her saying "keep trying mummy" which was regarding the car not starting?
Don't agree to it - just say,
Don't agree to it - just say, "I'm sorry honey, that won't help it start, it's broken," and deal with her upset. the key is to help her learn to deal with disappointment in healthy ways - meaning, without breaking stuff or hurting herself or anyone else.
You're an adult. You know
You're an adult. You know repeatedly attempting to start the car in short period of time will flood the engine and drain the battery and then you'll have an even bigger car problem. So be the adult and tell her no.
Why were you so afraid of telling her no? Really think about your answer. She kept pushing you and you kept giving in. Some might see it as more cruel that you kept giving her hope the car would start when you knew it wouldn't. Kids need to learn things don't always turn out the way they want. It's the human condition, but you're trying to protect her from that at an age when it's normal for kids to learn about disappointment.
She is learning life's earliest lesson. Her tantrum is natural. You cannot get her to adulthood without her experiencing disappointment (well, you can try and maybe succeed, but she will be an absolute monster for the rest of us to deal with. Can you imagine a 26-year-old pitching the same fit she did?)
The best thing you could have taught her in this situation is resilience, handling disappointment with grace, and invention. Perhaps you could have sat down with her and talked through some options: "Well, we could call AAA, but you'll miss most of the competition by the time they get here. We could call an Uber, but that would be way too expensive. Maybe we could see if Janie's mom left for the competition and you could get a ride with her. Let me call her."
This way, you're showing the kid the first thing you do when things go wrong is sit down and try to make them right, not throw the dolls.
When you're sure you can't get her to the competition, you might say, "Look, the swimming is off. But we can do something else fun today when you stop crying and clean up these dolls. How about watching a movie when you're finished?"
Don't be scared to let her learn some of life's negative sides. The kids who learn to deal with disappointment well are the kids who get ahead in life. The kids who don't never really grow up. They become adults pitching fits when things don't go their way and that's infinitely less attractive than when it's a 6-year-old pitching a fit.
Let me put it one more way for you... Imagine if you were a stranger watching this play out for two 6-year-olds. One kid behaves the way your daughter did -- tantrum, throwing things, begging, whining. The other expresses disappointment, but takes mom's offer to watch a movie instead, maybe even says, "It's OK. There's another competition next weekend."
Which kid do you want your child to be? The only way you get the second reaction is to let the kid know disappointment, get comfortable with it, and realize whatever the disappointment is today, it can often be fixed tomorrow. That takes time and your confidence that the kid won't die because she missed a swim competition.
There's so much disappointment ahead of your daughter. The kindest thing you can do for her is help her become resilient in its face. It will make life's good days so much sweeter for her.
There is nothing you could do
There is nothing you could do. She is 6. You handled it as well as it can be handled in my opinion.
Those butt crack of dawn swim pratices and meets are a killer. Particularly in the winter.
Deep breaths.
Take care of you.