DD left out again :/

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I think I posted about this before, but it happened AGAIN and I want to vent for a minute!

My MIL called DH last night saying she is going to take SD and our niece (DH's sister's daughter) shopping tonight. Ummmm ok what about your other granddaughter?! She is constantly doing things with SIL's kids and never does anything with our DD. I'm actually surprised she's even taking SD. Worst part is our DD heard part of the conversation and said she wants to go shopping, so I just told her I will take her shopping.

This is just 1 little example of something that happens ALL THE TIME. MIL and FIL have literally been to our house 1 time since we moved here 2 years ago. They use this stupid excuse that it's so far (30 minutes) but guess what, we used to live 5 minutes away and they never came over then either. And I would happily drive our DD up there so she could be included if they seriously didn't want to drive here to pick her up.

Then MIL has the nerve to make comments about how DD is shy with her. Ummm that's because she doesn't know you! What is she supposed to act like? She's not shy with the family members she actually sees regularly.

I can't stand my kid being left out of everything!

I would be livid with DH that

I would be livid with DH that he was stupid enough to allow DD to hear part of that conversation. He is now an accessory to the favoritism. I would have nothing more to do with his mother and I would tell DH that if he keeps enabling this blatant favoritism he will be the next asshole I cut out of my life.

Exactly. At least if she's

Exactly. At least if she's not going to be included, don't throw it in her face.

My in-laws are somewhat like

My in-laws are somewhat like this too.

In my experience, you need to shut this favorites playing BS down ASAP.

How did you shut it down?

DH needs to shut it down:

DH needs to shut it down: "Mom, it's not OK and it's hurtful to DD when you take SD and your other GD shopping and leave DD out." Does he even ever say that as a starting point?

Oh god no, DH avoids

Oh god no, DH avoids confrontation at all costs. If SD were here, I would say she's not going unless both kids are going but unfortunately she's with BM right now.

Why did MIL even call DH

Why did MIL even call DH about it then? Your DD is dh's biodaughter, right?

I'm not sure if she called

I'm not sure if she called for something else and just mentioned it or how it all happened.

Yes, DD is DH's bio daughter.

What a pansy. Sorry.

I limited their contact with

I limited their contact with my children in an extreme manner.

Because while I cannot control what other adults do or say, I can most definitely shield my child(ren) from it.

Play b*tch games, win b*tch prizes - am I right?

Absolutely. She hardly ever

Absolutely. She hardly ever sees DD so I'm sure she wouldn't even realize if I did this

This is the exact conversation between DH and I today:

Me: "It's bs that DD heard that conversation about your parents taking SD and niece shopping. If she's not going to be included it needs to at least not be thrown in her face. It hurts her feelings that they don't ever include her in anything and you should be speaking up about it."

DH: "I'm sure they would love her to go but she cries"

Me: "She cries because she doesn't f'ing know them! They've been to our house one time. They never make any effort to see her whatsoever."

DH: "I know"

Me: "Don't defend their bs favoritism"

I feel you.

My DH is afraid to call his parent’s behavior out, out of fear of repercussions such as adult temper tantrums and withholding from his parents.

Once I caught on to what my in-laws were doing, I morphed into the biggest and meanest mama bear. The rare times it comes back to me that my in-laws have stated to other people that I “don’t like them much,” I make damn sure I tell people why I don’t.

If I remember correctly your

If I remember correctly your dd is 3 years old right? In that case, I can understand not wanting to take a toddler shopping as I would never elect to take a 3 year old to the mall if I didn't have to. haha

If I am wrong and she is older than 5 or 6, I would also probably be very angry.

Yes, DD is 3. She loves

Yes, DD is 3. She loves shopping and just walks along and doesn't run off or act stupid haha. This is just 1 more thing on a loooooong list of things that DD has been left out of, though. If it was just this 1 thing, whatever. It's just constant and it hurts her feelings which then of course pisses me off.

I'm just playing devils

I'm just playing devils advocate here as a mom of 3 teens and a 1 year old....taking 3 year olds places isn't really fun unless it's one on one. You have the carseat situation, possible bathroom situation, whining etc....since 3 year olds still nap and get crabby and 3 year olds don't really sit patiently while other people just browse in stores.

Maybe it is nothing more than her age as to why she is left out of group outings.

Are your feelings possibly more hurt? Like does a 3 year old really get her feelings hurt out if she can't go to the mall? I think at 3 my kids were more concerned abou their next snack and tv show.

Now if this continues when your dd gets to be older....then it's a problem for sure. Trust me.......I feel your pain....but then you have to think if MIL keeps it up....is that even someone you want around your kid??

I mean I get your point about

I mean I get your point about her age, but my SIL also has a 3 year old who MIL takes everywhere, and her other kid is a very immature 5. So it's definitely favoritism but whether its more directed towards me, I am not sure. Yeah it definitely hurts my feelings that my kid is the only one being left out. She does get her feelings hurt because they all talk about the things they have done together and she was the only one not there :/ if she never knew about it, maybe it would be different.

If she keeps it up, I don't even think I will want to bring DD around her for holidays or anything else. She's either in her life or she's not.

I get that you are upset

But isn't there a big age difference between DD and SD? What gets shopped for, the pace, the conversation, etc. is all different between an 3yo vs a pre-teen/teen if that's how old SD is.

HOWEVER, I completely sympathize with you that your DD is left out completely. If your MIL had any feelings toward your DD, she'd schedule another thing with DD even if it's short like going to the park or shopping for a toy.

Yup, SD is 11 and DD is 3.

Yup, SD is 11 and DD is 3. However, SIL's kids are same age as DD and they are invited so I am not sure what their reasoning is. If they did something different with DD I would be completely cool with that.

In my opinion, it shouldn’t

In my opinion, it shouldn’t matter what the age difference is, because if this is a behavior you’ve witnessed out of your MIL, then it’s a concern that most likely won’t easily go away or be suppressed without some sort of pushback.

Often times the root of favoritism is to indirectly inflict pain on someone else. That someone could be you. I know it was me, in my case with my own MIL.

There’s a 7 year difference between skid (almost 13) and our DD (5.5).

A couple years ago, prior to finding my spine to shut it down, I would silently sit by, in my own damn house, while skid would go on and on and on and on about what her and her Mimi did - in front of DD. While DD was only 3-ish, there was absolutely no reason to go on and on about things in front of her like that. My MIL always had that sick, smug smile on her face too. Thinking she was “showing” me who (skid!) the priority in the family was.

You want to talk about how fun your mall shopping trip was? Your beach trip? Your trip to the indoor bounce house monstrosity? Cool. Do it in the car on the way over, or at your house. Not mine.

That's a very good point

That's a very good point about the root of favoritism! You have me thinking now!

And I completely agree, it is SO hurtful to kids when they are constantly left out. I totally get spending one on one time with kids, I actually really support that - but DD never gets ANY time period, one on one or with the rest of the grandkids. She's their ONLY grandchild that they don't spend time with (they have 6 total).

Capricorn63, the fact that

Capricorn63, the fact that the real world is a harsh place, and that we should prepare our children by giving them the proper tools to cope and navigate it, does not equate tolerating unfavorable and unfair treatment within a family.

Exactly. Not saying one word

Exactly. Not saying one word to a grandmother who purposefully (it seems) excludes your child is failing to protect her from emotional abuse. Yes, kids need to learn to cope with difficult situations, but not with abuse.

OP, since your DH is a pansy, you may need to address this yourself with MIL - then when she continues to do it, figure out how to protect your DD from it as much as possible.

Thank you. We're not talking

Thank you. We're not talking about kids at school or strangers in a store. This is her freaking grandmother.

Right. This isn't "Claire won

Right. This isn't "Claire won't share her cookies at daycare! That's it, I'm going to talk to her mother!"

This is her being bullied and excluded by her grandmother, repeatedly and with it rubbed into her face and yours. Yes, you can't control the grandparents, but you don't have to sit by passively and do nothing, nor do you tell your kid that "life isn't fair, deal with it."

All that said, I dont' think

All that said, I dont' think encouraging shopping in a 3yr old is good, nor is pedicures with mom- I cringe when I see those things. Pedicures are for adult women paying their own damn way, just like highlights-but I'm way old school.

I can KIND of understand older teens w/mom for a special ocassion but it rubs me wrong to see toddlers getting pampered with mom..it just breeds entitlement and spoiled behavior IMO.

“...but it rubs me wrong to

“...but it rubs me wrong to see toddlers getting pampered with mom..it just breeds entitlement and spoiled behavior IMO.”

This was BM’s MO when skid was younger, and I think it still is. Manis, pedis, spa days, hair services other than a haircut. A gazillion selfies. 3 solid meals of fast food a day. All these things started around kindergarten for skid.

MIL has always felt the desire to “keep up” with BM, when it comes to the level of care and attention when skid is here. Selfies included. It’s quite funny actually.

I can't stand it, BM did this

I can't stand it, BM did this. Highlights at age 10, we were SO pissed about that one. Cell phones at 8, shaving her ARMS-yes, her arms at 9-10 (totally not needed she wasn't a super hair girl either)- manicures, etc....all things her broke ass now at 18 still does while putting off vet services for her dog. A million selfies, yep that too. I have not seen ONE pic of my SD in the last 7-8 years that doesn't include duck face or tongue sticking out. Not ONE...looks idiotic! OK, I lie, I actually did see a couple during graduation.

My SIL is starting to take this approach of over adulting/sexualizing my young niece-I cringe as does my mom. I hate it! She is 8 now, she started letting her appply makeup at 4-5 for 'play'- and take pics w/it. SOme outfits are questionable. She signed her up for cheer (I don't agree with this as an overall in very young girls) and then modeling on a walkway for Justice clothing...lets her bff be an almost 12 yr old girl that comes over and they rub on eachother and play w/door closed. I don't know WTF she is thinking but this is going to cause the girl some MAJOR issues.

Thia is why SD23 is a nasty,

Thia is why SD23 is a nasty, mini BioHo. SD26 was not spoiled like SD23. And SD23 is nowhere near as spoiled as Spawn11.

Mani/pedis since age 12, regular hair dying since age 13, cue the provocative clothing to coincide with the virginity loss at 14. LIP PIERCING at 15. Screaming at DH that she NEEDED that $500 prom dress when she was 16. It's only gotten worse.

Of course, the steady diet of junk food and fast food (did you know the only GOOD veggie is a potato? when it's a french fry?).

Spawn has been wearing shorts so short her butt is haniging out. So tight, she has a camel toe. Since age SIX. I cannot begin to imagine what kind of monster Spawn will be as a adult...

What an effing nightmare,

What an effing nightmare, Aniki.

Skid wore provocative clothes to her paternal great-grandmother’s funeral last year, putting her at a whopping 11-years-old at the time.

It was bad enough for my live and let live DH to take notice and comment to ME about. I was all “No, your child!?” *shocked not shocked face*

Whaaaaat, momjeans?? Was he

Whaaaaat, momjeans?? Was he looking for suggestions on how to diplomatically tell SD she was dressing inappropriately?

When I was on FakeBook, SD23 (16-19) was constantly posting selfies where she would purposely cross her arms to make her boobs pop up and out of her low-cut, too-tight top. Naturally, I will assume that BioHo taught her that all clothes should be 1-2 sizes too SMALL. ~cue the barfing emoji~

YOU need to put an end to

YOU need to put an end to this. Whether or not DH cares, YOU are her mother and you have every right to put a stop to behaviour that is hurting your child.

Tell MIL no more outtings with SD when she is in your care unless she brings BOTH of the kids. We put an end to favouritsm with my MIL by telling her one time: you can NOT treat SD differently ie. buying her more toys, showing her more affection, etc. in front of our son. She didn't stop, so we told her she will not see either kid anymore. She hasn't seen them in over a year.

OP can stop MIL from taking her kid. Only DAD can stop his mom

from taking the odler kid.

Actually, if/when SD is in

Actually, if/when SD is in her care she DOES have a right to say no unless dd is included. You truly believe SM's have zero rights/100pct responsibility model don't ya you freak?!

What??? Only dad can stop his

What??? Only dad can stop his mom from taking the older kid??

Last I checked, stepmom is part of the family and she makes the rules too. Especially when one child under the roof is being hurt by someone. The day my husband or ANYONE tells me I can't set rules for my stepdaughter would be the day I stopped doing anything whatsoever "parental" for her - including financially supporting her. No way in hell would I sit there while my child is hurt because of favouritsm from a FAMILY MEMBER without saying something.

Thank you sunshine. I think

Thank you sunshine. I think MIL is purposely taking SD while she's with BM to get around this. She's sneaky like that. I don't mind if she does things alone with SD since she is older and there is more they can do together, but she should be also doing things with DD which she is not. AND my SIL has kids the same age as DD and MIL has no problem taking them anywhere and everywhere. I don't blame you at all for not allowing the kids to see your MIL anymore! I am so sick of this nonsense.

I don’t have a 3 year old but i have a 4 year old

she loves the mall. I have three other daughters ages 10 to 14. So we do the big kid stuff and we also do the little kid stuff like the candy store and build a bear and the indoor mall playground . She is patient while they do Starbucks and clothes shopping . She likes clothes shopping too. And then we grab something to eat in the food court.

Same. I've never had a

Same. I've never had a problem taking DD3 and SD11 shopping together.

Ok... my 2 cents is that your

Ok... my 2 cents is that your mil knows the other kids better because their parent has encouraged it more being her daughter it's easier. Its also not easy to just say...well she takes other 3 yo places. It may be that the 3 yo isn't welcome on this trip. You dont know for sure. Perhaps more things grandma has done with him were more suited in her eyes.

AND I know it's a catch 22 because your dad cries... partially because grandma is a stranger... but that does make your daughter harder for her to handle.

Here is a solution though...when mil told you about the trip... why not say... ooooh...dd and I would love to meet you at the mall for a bit. That way you are there to soothe dd and mil knows you can take dd home if she melts down.

Maybe you need to and your dh need to go with mil on outings to get dd used to her...?

I like the idea of you and

I like the idea of you and your DH spending time with grandma/DD together. This way she doesn't see grandma as taking her away from parents and gets to bond w/grandma with you guys there.

I watch wifeswap once in a while (trash tv)- they had two previous bachelor couples. The one w/NO experience with kids swapped w/the one that had a kid. She quickly realized the young kid 2-3? would cry hysterically everytime grandma came to babysit her...why? Because she associated it with her parents leaving her so it wasn't a 'good' association for the little one. She set up for them to go to the park with grandma and NOT leaving her but just enjoying time as a family. I though it was incredibly intuitive and smart.

A kid that isn't used to a grandparent isn't going to warm overnight and can feel anxious. Set up playdates - ask your MIL for dates/times and make it happen. It can be you, DD and MIL, or all 4 of you, or even just your DH, DD and MIL. The important thing is start integrating them while you guys are there so they can build a relationship/trust and she doesn't see grandma as the boogeyman lol.

I couldn't go on this

I couldn't go on this particular trip since I have to work today, BUT yes I can try to do this so DD gets used to being around MIL more.

Thanks!

I wondered about this as I

I wondered about this as I was making my way through the comments.

OP, do you ever invite MIL to spend time with you and DD? Ever call her up and invite her to lunch whether in your home or out somewhere nearer her home. Ever call and say "DD and I are thinking of going to the zoo Saturday afternoon and we'd love it if you could join us?"

I have in the past, but she

I have in the past, but she always had an excuse for why she couldn't do things so I stopped asking. She even said a few times that she came to my house and no one was home when we WERE home. I told her I park in the garage - just because you don't see my car doesn't mean I'm not there - all you have to do is call/text and we will make sure to be there - then she just moved on to a different excuse.

....

hit twice

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