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The Day the SC's are 18

Pocky's picture

I hate my stepson's BM.  Just 7 more years of having to deal with her gaslighting, "always the victim", bitchy, neurotic, lies....

So, what're you all planning/fantasizing of doing when the SC's are 18 and you are FREE of the dreaded BM/BD? 

Send her a text telling her EXACTLY how I feel. How much of a crazy, self centered, and delusional bitch she is.  The greatest thing she has ever achieved in life is accidentally getting pregnant and marrying a nice man. She's fake, a loser, and has nothing of value to offer to this world. She'll never be happy because she's sad, empty, angry and bitter as fuck on the inside.  And I don't feel sorry for her at all, because I doubt she will ever change.  And then block her forever after sending it.

If for some reason we have to see her in passing, snicker/laugh/point at her. That'd drive her nuts. 

If we have to talk to her, pretend we've totally forgotten who she is. 

Go on a nice vacation with BH (ok and bring the SS's too if they haven't become obnoxious teenagers at 18). Feel good knowing we'll never have to deal with her again, that she will have no leverage/power over us ever again!

I'd like to send her a box of cow poop but I think she'd know it was us.   

For now, all we can do is avoid her and try to keep things as peaceful as we can for the boys' sake! *mosking*  Aaand fantasize about a day that is 7 years away. 

Maria10's picture

Only 3 more years to go! Literally counting down the minutes.

I will goad her on enough that she comes over while drunk and maybe takes a swing at me. Then I will call the police on her an maybe she will go to jail. 

I also wanna kick her off my porch and inf her that she will NEVER get her hands on my house( she's always thoughty husband owns this house and I live off of him) because I own it.

So many fantasies so little time.

JRI's picture

I'm 77, the SM of 3 kids, SD60, OSS58 & YSS54.  Between them, there are 6 GKs from 13-39 and 3 GGKs.  If you plan to have a relationship with your SKs  when they are adults, you will be in BM's presence at showers, weddings, recitals, etc.  It is truly a bummer.  I couldnt stand our BM, especially once the 3 SKs landed here full time and she danced off with her new DH.

I would have loved to tell her PLENTY but keeping it all polite and civil was best for the SKs.   But I will say this, when she died a few years ago, the SKs wanted us to go so we went.  I stayed in the back and kept a low profile until it was time to go.  I walked closer, I just had to see for sure that she was really and truly finally dead and out of my life.

I hate to sound so bitter after all this time but I'm sure you understand.  Good luck.

Crspyew's picture

BM doesn't simply vaporize when the kids turn 18.  Having a relationship with skids as adults means engaging with BM from time to time.  
BTW--I did exactly the same thing at BM's funeral--I wanted to be sure she was dead.  Unfortunately her grip on skids has reach beyond the grave.

JRI's picture

This is so true.  The worst is that SD60 follows BM's shining example regarding financial irresponsibility, drug use and poor choices.   I still hear SD60 boo hooing about BM's death 10+ years ago.  Its ironic because I clearly remember their up and down volatile relationship.  The SKs' code for it is "You know how Mom was" meaning you never knew when she was going to blow up.

Tried out's picture

"And then block her forever after sending it."

NO!  Give her time to send you a batshit crazy response and THEN block her - so you get to enjoy the fruits of your labor! 

CastleJJ's picture

DH has already said that the day his legal obligation to BM ends, which is set for June 2030, he is going to block BM on all platforms and he is taking me on a nice, tropical vacation. 

DH talked about sending an email saying "Don't ever contact me again." But I told him not to waste his breath. If BM knows he cared enough to send an email, it defeats the purpose, and she will feel she won. Eliminating BM from our bubble, even if only electronically, without saying a word will drive her nuts because she likes knowing she gets under our skin. If she keeps communicating and gets no response, that will drive her insane. 

CHop's picture

Wondering if you think the contact ever actually ends with the BM. Even though my skids BM isn't horrible I don't want her in my SO life forever. But after 18 there is still college, weddings, grandchildren. I know the contact will be way less but it will still somehow be there, right?

CastleJJ's picture

Yes, there will be run ins with BM at skid functions like graduations, weddings, birthday parties, etc. but the day-to-day (often high conflict) emails, texts, calls about skids and financial obligations won't be there. There won't be a legally binding power play on the table. BM would have no reason to directly communicate with DH. If skid needs money or wants to coordinate a visit, he is an adult and can do that without BM's involvement. In our situation, BM likes to use her full custody as leverage to abuse DH with threats of withholding visitation, allegations of abuse, financial exploitation, general attempts to control our household, etc. When skid ages out, we won't be held to that legal obligation anymore so BM's words will mean nothing. While we may not rid ourselves of BM entirely, skid aging out would be stripping her of her power over us. 

Rags's picture

Mainly because we took a zero-tolerance stance regarding their toxic manipulative crap from almost day one. We spent the 16+ CO years with a rolled-up copy of the CO in hand and smacked them about the head, shoulders, and nose with it when they stepped out of line or otherwise got stupid.  Figuratively of course.

We rubbed their noses in their stench any time it was required to protect the Skid, defend our family, and keep them in line.

I/we really had no unfinished business with the SpermClan when SS-29 turned 18 though we did have his back as he kept rubbing their noses in their stench.  Though even that mostly ended when they attempted to maintain their manipulative crap by pushing SS to pay them "CS" to help support his three younger also out of wedlock Spermidiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas after he turned 18. Because he knew the facts and lived that history he shut them down immediately and has very successfully kept them in their hole ever since.

My fantasy.... I want to attend the SpermGrandHag's funeral in a well-tailored suit and as they are lowering her into her hole to hell I want to unzip my fly and piss on her sending a final message to her and the entire shallow and polluted end of my Skid's gene pool.  Just a fantasy of course.  If anything, my bride and I will be there for our son.  But my mental pop up video will be happily playing the footage of my fantasy in my head.

Diablo

 

Elea's picture

I had the "pleasure" of vomiting on my ex MIL's grave as they lowered her casket.  

Tenn9lov's picture

Dh ceased all contact with bm years ago and it is fantastic, amazing, wonderful!!! She tries to stay relevant through others: skids, extended family and friends. She even reaches out to people she has no relationship with, like my dh's friends and co-workers. Her actions only further confirm that she is a psycho nut! 

Dh made the decision to cut contact with anyone who had a relationship with both he and bm if the person was unable or unwilling to keep the two relationships separate. In the end, only one person was unable to separate the two.

As for weddings, graduations ect.. we will not be attendance if bm is there. Lucky for us this won't be a problem, as bm has ruined her relationship with ss(21). He wants absolutely nothing to do with her.

 

hereiam's picture

We have had no contact with BM for about 12 years, now. Haven't seen her, haven't talked to her.

DH had once told her that when CS was done, he would NEVER speak to her, again, and he meant it. I did not waste ONE ounce of energy on her once child support was done.

Sure, at one time the thought of telling her exactly what I thought about her was pleasing, but in the end, totally not worth it.

Cover1W's picture

OSD recently turned 18 but she's still in high school and now applying to insanely expensive private colleges so DH is still dealing with BM.

I'm hoping that once she's in college that DH ceases communication with BM about OSD and puts it where it belongs onto OSD herself. 

But in reality DH won't take any advice from me.

CHop's picture

How is your DH when it comes to paying for his children? Does he alway say yes so she knows he will pay for whatever she decides?  And will he do it without considering what your future together looks like when all the money has gone to an expensive college?

Cover1W's picture

He pays CS regularly, and if they are with us he does incidentals as well. BM doesn't ask for any additional money and pretty much does it all herself...it's part of her, IMHO, making sure SDs are 100% reliant on HER because she is GUBM. And we deal with PAS too. YSD never asks DH for anything, ever, except for maybe cereal and hair conditioner. She even brings basics like soap from BMs.

Because DH has been cut off from OSD for years now he's not offered BM anything. In truth he's willing to provide a logical sum, but neither BM nor OSD know about it because they won't talk with him about OSDs college plans.

Yes, I am waiting with bated breath for anything to happen regarding forcing DH to pay for a ridiculous college cost for a kid who wants nothing to do with him for no reason other than DH/bad vs BM/good and all men are terrible.

DH did ask me how my income could effect this and how it's imputed. The only way for it not to be effected is divorce and separate residence in our state. It's so messed up.

Hopefully tho BMs got the funds (she took DHs entire retirement plan and college savings upon divorce and has money from her parents) and DH will not be effected. OSD will likely apply for scholarships as well.

Tried out's picture

were applying to colleges the deal was that they could go to any college they wanted but the total cost, minus their contribution from jobs, grants and scholarships, had to be no more than the FAFSA said was the expected family obligation. There was no way I was going to go in debt for college and didn't want them to, either. I saved their child support and so had the money secured when they graduated from high school. Their father refused to contribute even though he literally earned five times more than me.

They both ended up going to wickedly expensive small liberal arts colleges because they got whopping scholarships. I had to pay just room and board which was actually less than what the FAFSA said we could afford.

This worked for us. It gave us some realistic parameters to work with because I was really flying blind when we started.

CHop's picture

My SO always wants to talk about the future when the skids 13 and 15 graduate. I tell him while it is nice to think about it there are still many things that are going to be in play. Cars, graduation, college, etc. we do not have the money to just hand out to the skids and he agrees and says they will have to get loans or grants for college etc. But he is a never say no parent and I worry he will depleat retirement funds in order to do whatever the skids want. So when he talks about how we are saving to have a nice retirement together he forgets what kind of parent he is.When I interject what reality is he says I am just always being negative.  I am not sure what the BM thoughts are on the kids cars and education because they both act like the kids are still babies.

Cover1W's picture

The best thing I decided was to keep our money separate. We have one joint account for basic household upkeep. His retirement is on him. He knows he cannot rely on me. I don't ask because he's super touchy about finances which is a big reason things are separate.

dragonfly878's picture

The day this kid moves out for good is the I treat myself BIGTIME. 
 

I set a dollar aside every day he is with us- once he moves out I'm putting every single dollar to good use... maybe buy myself some jewelry... take a trip... every time I transfer a dollar from one account to another I feel a step closer to freedom.

Tried out's picture

absolutely brilliant!

Someoneelse's picture

You just THINK that days of BM are over is when skid turns 18, there's graduation, weddings, grandkids birthdays, skid hosting holidays, baby gender reveal parties, skid wedding anniversaries... it's never over

shellpell's picture

The best thing is to live in a different city than bm/skids so you don't have to go to every little thing, just big ones like weddings, graduations, etc. I can't imagine those of you to have to go to every single little thing put on by skids and attended by bm. Must be difficult.

Someoneelse's picture

We live in a different city, but with freeways/highways it only takes 20 minutes to get there... SD isn't gonna move far, maybe somewhere in-between DH and BM, when she moves out, so then it will only take 10min to get there... 

Someoneelse's picture

Yea, I'm just glad that we don't do at the same grocery stores... but my daughter has the pleasure of her coming in to her work... *vomit*   and BM acted like she was so surprised to see her there... which is weird because BM hasn't seen her since she was like 8yo with long hair... my daughter is 18 with half her hair bleached (think cruella de ville),  wears makeup and mask.... #1 how did she recognize her, and #2 i know she knew she worked there sd tries to convince BM to go to my DDs' place of business all the time, of course she knows dd18 works there lol

CastleJJ's picture

Yes, I have never been more thankful that BM moved 4 hours away from us. I used to hate it when SS was little because we saw him so infrequently, but now, I am so happy about it because it reduces a lot of the drama and now that SS is older, we deal with less of his angst. Plus it is so nice saying,  "sorry I can't attend x doctor appointment, x sports game, x school event because 4 hours drive is unreasonable."

shellpell's picture

Oh I know. When we lived in the same town, BM kept trying to get DH to attend every little thing and play happy family, especially before we had our two kids.

Blue At Times's picture

I have heard this is the best way to remove oneself from the drama. I'm counting down the years until we can move away. 

Pocky's picture

Hmm that's true, we will most likely see her at events etc. Well, because she will have no legal leverage over us it will still be a much better experience!  BM is always trying to extort money from DH. Hmm we should show up in the most outrageously fancy clothes to annoy her hehehehe  But regardless, I don't think we will have to communicate with her, the skids can do that. We will also probably let the skids know how we feel about BM, and why we don't want to speak to her.  They will be old enough to understand by then, and luckily they are still good children now, not terrible/twisted by BM. Now I just hope they don't end up living at home for a long time!

I'm not terribly worried about money matters atm.  I think we can contribute to the skids college costs and get cars for them without BM's help. Honestly it's worth not getting involved in any favors with BM.  Anytime she does anyone a favor you OWE HER now, ugh, no thanks.  In her mind she is the victim and DH owes her a bunch of money (nevermind she's been a housewife for most their marriage together. She now does part time jobs but has another get-rich-quick scheme to buy a house and live off of the rent, she hates working.) Whenever she makes a bad financial/life decision, it's somehow DH's fault.

JRI's picture

Even tho the 3 SKs moved in with us, then eventually matured and moved out as adults, BM continued to affect our lives in subtle ways.  The kids were always in communication with her so heard about her drama with her new DH.  It affected SD as a daughter and OSS as a very sensitive person.  YSS didnt seem so affected.  BM shared her unhappiness and desperation, she didnt seem to have a filter.  Not good for the kids.

Once they were adults, she sometimes called DH to whine about one of them or their problems.  I think she wanted him to rescue them.  As she aged, she toned down the volatility some but a stressful event, like Christmas, would set her off.  She wanted to have nice holidays, seemed to want to make up for lost time.  But she'd explode when one of the kids wasn't on time, or didn't perform to her expectations.  YSS lived in a distant city and faithfully drove 4 hours with wife and 3 small kids then had to return for work, all a sttessful operation.  But she was often unhappy that he didn't stay longer or that wife or kids weren't doing something right.  The last of her holidays featured one of her major blowups.  On and on it went.  Thank goodnrss we werent directly affected anymore but we would hear the kids' worries.

  

Pocky's picture

Yeah, I do feel for the children. In the end it'll be up to them as adults to determine how they will respond to BM's behavior.  We can offer advice if they want it, or they can go to therapy (I suspect they will need it, especially YSS, who is often gaslit and the scapegoat/bad kid of the two).  

Loxy's picture

I hate to burst your bubble but I don't think all contact with BM will cease when SK's are 18 - I know it won't in our case as SD17 is super irresponsible and sure to face many challenges (all self-inflicted) as an adult so I know we will still be hearing from BM far more than I would like. Plus, if they go onto further study there are still parenting decisions (including financial ones etc) to be made. 

As much as I've had my share of fantasies about awful things happening to BM I think the best revenge is to get to a point where you just don't care about BM anymore so you feel the need to tell her what you think of her. I held onto enormous anger against BM for many years and the person it hurt most was me - because I was very stressed and a ball of rage. When I finally worked through it and let it go I felt free but this process took many years. Sure BM still annoys me, always will and we have a good bitch about her at times but overall we have set our boundaries and engage with her on our terms. Otherwise, I don't think about her much now at all and it's very liberating!

I understand that's harder to do in some cases where BM is completely crazy so fantasies it is Smile

Pocky's picture

That's all very understandable!  I do hope the skids will be functional adults otherwise, I agree there would be a lot more BM time in our future =___=  So I'll do what I can to support the skids into becoming good adults so she doesn't have a long term tool to blame us with in the future.  Because man she is really good at that.  It's like the only thing she's good at doing - being delusional, blaming others, being the victim. Too bad those talents aren't very helpful for being happy/not toxic!  That's her own fault hehe

Here's to a future where toxic BM's do not intrude on our thooughts/emotions/energy!! *drinks*

Loxy's picture

I hear you - the skids BM portrays herself as the victim too and is never wrong apparently and very good at pointing the finger at everyone but herself. 

Even though I've let go of my anger at BM, dealing with her is still very painful as she's very limited (ie no emotional intelligence) likely on the Autism spectrum (but undiagnosed) and seems to have coasted through life without picking up many lifeskills so co-parenting with her is like having another child. So the day the skids are both 18 and that contact lessons significantly will be a happy day indeed for me!

Someoneelse's picture

Omg BM lied about having cancer, didn't tell sd (she was like 7 at the time) so as to not worry her, but confided in DH about it... i had all these pleasant thoughts, about never having to deal with her again.... then we never heard another word about her mysterious cancer 

Dogmom1321's picture

BM also lied to DH about having a super rare, degenerative, and deadly bone disease when they first divorced (about 10 years ago). Every now and again he makes a joke to me and says he should ask her how her bone disease is going. 

For these BMs to lie about having serious, life-threatening diseases, just goes to show how mentally ill they truly are. 

CLove's picture

Because Feral Forger didnt launch properly, shes brought BM into our lives over her being toxic and crazy. When sd15 ages out, it will be a different landscape for sure.

I am no contact with that bisch. I will not need to hold my thoughts in and we will not have to deal with "full custody threats". But I imagine that weddings, and graduations will be our only "exposure".

Husband and I have fantasized about telling her 'eff off' many times. He claims he will block her.

Ill be happy to have no child support. Biggrin

caninelover's picture

Has no contact with SO or Bratty McBratFace, so fortunately she has no impact on us.  I've been spared that aspect of steplife.

After 18 SKs still have many milestones - but they greatly lesson after college graduation.  Then it's really weddings and grandkids but hopefully that still far away for me to have to deal with!

Dogmom1321's picture

DH has stated that we will more than likely move when SD turns 18. *yahoo* Sure, there MIGHT be a wedding down the road, possibly a graduation, but that's IT. Literally no other reason to see BM. 

When SD is an adult she can decide how she wants to spend the holidays, who she wants to visit when, etc.

-No more arguing over vacation trips, birthdays, etc.

-No more "can we sit down and talk" every 6 months to DH so she can try to stay relevant.

-No more blow ups when BM breaks up with her current BF, gets a new one, and has an existential crisis

-No more arguing over splitting dental and medical bills. 

-No more threats to go back to court! Wasting tens of thousands of dollars for nothing. 

AHH, 6 more years, I can't wait!

No BMs don't just vanish into thin air at 18. They will always be a part of SKs life. But BMs can for sure be LESS of apart of ours when SK reaches 18

Ispofacto's picture

Funny you should ask this...Killjoy will be 18 in a couple of months and graduate in May.  I've been thinking whether I should post some type of kissoff to Satan on our shared google calendar before I yank her viewing privileges.  DH plans to move back in with me, and Killjoy is not welcome.  We don't know yet if she will be leaving for college, the military, moving back with Satan, or couch surfing.

Something like:

"Pure Trash: Reunited". (this would hurt DH's feelings if he found out)

"DH and Ipso:  Happily Ever After". (this would drive Satan crazy)

"If you don't want people to hate you, stop being an arsehole and make amends"

Or just perma ignoring the living sh!t out of both of them with no acknowledgement whatsoever.

I'll let you know what I decide.  I'm a little worried about Satan going after DH for college costs.

I'm open to suggestions.

 

caninelover's picture

I know you've been through a ton of crap - but I would take the high road and just walk away into the sunset with DH.  No outbursts - but remove her privileges and go completely dark on both of them.  Perma-ignore.  That will truly drive them mad - she'll want to start trouble but ... can't.  

Just my two cents Smile

Ispofacto's picture

Yeah, I'm leaning that way, but it's fun to fantasize.

Satan is a spoiled Karen type, she's used to always getting her way.  So I've made occasional jabs over the years on the calendar that I would define more as "documentation".  She goes NUTS every time, but I only ever hear about it from GBM, who said she went to her lawyer and he ignored her and told her there was nothing she could do.  And we are NC, so she can't take it out on us.  LOL.

She loves to fake cancer, so it would be fun to post

"Cancer" again: 546th time

 

 

cmd88's picture

As much as we hate BM, we know after SD12 hits 18 that we will still have to deal with BM. Graduation, college, wedding...etc.. My SD12 said that she's never moving out, but we already said she was as soon as she's done with school. DBF keeps saying, "Only 6 more years of dealing with the witch," but in reality, it's a lot longer than that. :-/ 

Someoneelse's picture

this is exactly the truth! There will always be a tie between DH and BM... any time the pawn drops a crotch goblin, DH and BM will be there sharing this "exciting" time, just as my mother and her first husband were anxiously awaiting my brother and his wife's babies, even though he was a horrible father, he was still there when the babies arrived, and is at every birthday party, and at every celebration, just as my mother is.... weddings, as many weddings as they have, their kids have, and possibly even as many as THEIR grnadkids have (my grandmother is still alive and attends great grandkid's weddings). baby showers! Some of these kids want everyone to worship them, so they drop these crotch goblins like hotcakes.... some stepkids have upward of 9 kids!!!!! can you imagine all the birthdays, and baby showers, and graduations, and weddings, it goes on and on forever!!!

 

Crr18's picture

Random question since it seems like it never ends with step kids and BM .I hope I am not being out of line and I mean nothing by it. I want to know because I am still under two years of dealing with things that I don't like and can't control. Does everyone love their SOs that they stay and do the best they can with what has been given to them. And how do you do it and not let it make you go insane?Any advice? 

caninelover's picture

But in my case Bratty was 18 when we met (24 now).  So a different situation than you describe with a 13 year old.

You've got quite a few challenging years ahead if you choose to stay in this relationship but disengagement would be the approach that avoids your own descent into insanity.  Make sure you work, maintain your own friendships and hobbies so you have people and things to go to while SO is dealing with SS.  It takes discipline and practice but it can really help re-establish a feeling of control.

Pocky's picture

If it's getting rough between you and SO bc of BM issues, I reccomend seeking couples counseling so you can both learn to talk about BM/SK issues with eachother, and discuss/enforce boundaries your DBF/SO will do to protect you and themselves from having to deal with BM bullcrap.  A lot of what has worked for me is how my DH handles the BM. He knows it's his to deal with. If he was bad at that, we would definitely have issues.  I myself largely stay away from her and do not speak to her.  It's not my fight (even if she does wanna fight me).

Someoneelse's picture

I've been with DH for 11 years, i don't plan on leaving, the only way i stay SEMI sane is that i stay out of ANYTHING SD related,  not my business, i don't care.