I've heard of this a few times on steptalk...People moving out of their houses to get away from the craziness, but remain married to their spouse. Has anyone tried that? Has it worked out for anyone?
I would really love to know the same thing. I am seriously thinking about getting another house and we will just have two residences. One he is at when the kids are around and I would even be willing to stay there sometimes when the kids are there. And my house. He can stay there the rest of the time. I will own mine and he will own his. We will both be responsible for our own upkeep and bills. I think this would help in alot of ways. One, when the kids go nuts and tear the house apart I don't really have to care since it's not my stuff getting broken and trashed. Two I won''t have to live in a constant mess. I know that I would have more bills because we would be at my house most of the time but that doesn't bother me. I think it would relieve alot of tension and stress. He isn't to keen on the idea but said he would do it it in lieu of a divorce. I am afraid this might cause resenetment on his part but is that any worse than what I am feeling? Please give you thoughts or results if you have tried this.
THanks
It's running away from a problem that you have in your marriage.
What if you had the kids and your DH decided he didn't want to deal with you while your kids was there, so he was just going to go get an apartment or a hotel for those times?
I think a lot of people would be like Oh Hell No!!!
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Stick, thanks for the post. It does seem silly, but it may actually work for some people. I would have never thought of it, but I read it and didn't think it sounded too bad. We are on a waiting list for counseling but unfortunately I don't know if we will make it that long. I do put myself in my husband's shoes as much as I can, the problem is that he doesn't put himself in my shoes. He isn't a bad guy, just a guilty parent.
I definitely think its worth a try. Anyone here who says it will or will not work does not know. All they can do is comment on their particular situation.
I do know that if things are that amicable then the children will be far better off with the parents co-operating than fighting. They will also feel better knowing their parents are still married and taking a team approach to caring for them.
How can you take a team approach if the other person isn't even there? How do you co-parent when one person cannot take the situation so badly, they will actually PAY and take money out of the household just to get away from it?
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Having two homes is crazy. What I used to do was...Every time it was our weekend I would make plans with my friends. I'd go out Friday night to a girlfriends house. Saturday I'd spend the day at the salon and the spa and Sunday I would go run errands. He eventually caught on that I was leaving intentionally and that he was forced to fend for himself. When I'd come home if the house was a mess I'd walk right back out and say "this better be cleaned up when I get back."
One time he took SD to Toys R Us. When I walked into her room there were toys EVERYWHERE. So...I emptied out her toy box on the floor and made an even bigger mess. When he came back I was on the couch reading a book with a glass of wine. When he saw the mess in his daughters room he started yelling at her to pick up the mess. He looked at me because he was shocked I hadn't said a word and I just kept on reading my book.
He enjoys a clean house so when his kids tear stuff up he flies off the handle w/o any coaching from me. I think instead of you getting another home you should just spend the weekends at a B&B or get a hobby that would require you to get out of the house. Let him deal with his rugrats. Believe me, eventually they pick up on the fact that it ain't all it's cracked up to be when they have to do it on their own.
But Stick I wanted to scream when I saw the mess! So instead of throwing everything away (which is what I would normally do) I decided to make a little more work for SD so she can see how it feels to have to pick up somebody else's mess.
I just think stuff like that hurts your relationship with SD. Did you get the point across to her about her mess? Probably. She was probably grumbling how unfair it all was that she had to pick up your mess!!
But did she also know that you did something on purpose to get her into trouble... probably yes to that as well.
And then how do you build on that?
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
I only remember her saying "Daddy I didn't take all that out". And him just saying "well pick it up anyway."
I think he knew deep down it was me, but he didn't say anything.
I'm sure he knew why I would do something like that and yes....I did feel like an evil witch for about 15 seconds. We never discussed it again. And yes, SD picks up after herself now.
She's still a bit messy but then again so is my BS.
I have a decent relationship with SD. She genuinely likes me and I like her MOST of the time too. Every now and again she gets under my skin, that I can't really help...
Ok, so heres the kicker. My ss9 is with ME FULL TIME. I don't have the luxury of EOW. My DH has sole custody. BM doesn't see ss9 or give a damn and DH sticks me with ss9 so he can work more (which I think is an excuse to get away from the house). I am raising a child that isn't mine, doesn't respect me and doesn't get disciplined because if I do it, Im "picking on him". I saw this and just wanted to know if anyone has really tried it out. If I did this, I think it would only be temporary to get DH in the routine of taking care of his son more. I do appreciate all comments on this.
I think that separate residences is one step closer to separation.
Is there any other ways at all to get DH to step up? For example, I think someone else suggested on this, or another post, to just schedule activities for yourself that day?
I would even, if it were me, I would start SLOW. Like, the next time coming up, on a Saturday, just tell DH you have a chance to go out and do something with the girls. And maybe just take off for yourself for 6-8 hours. Is that even a possibility for you?
Then DH has to deal.
Also... what did DH do before he met you? When he had his son, who took care of him then?
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Each of you deserve your "me" time though. There are a lot of good suggestions how to achieve that.
There are times I wish, really really wish, that DH would go spend some bonding/outing time with SS so I can have the house to myself. Sometimes a person just wants to remember that their home is a place of beauty, peacefulness and a happy place to nestle down with a book. The rest of 'em can just get themselves away for outings sometimes too.
I would really love to know
I would really love to know the same thing. I am seriously thinking about getting another house and we will just have two residences. One he is at when the kids are around and I would even be willing to stay there sometimes when the kids are there. And my house. He can stay there the rest of the time. I will own mine and he will own his. We will both be responsible for our own upkeep and bills. I think this would help in alot of ways. One, when the kids go nuts and tear the house apart I don't really have to care since it's not my stuff getting broken and trashed. Two I won''t have to live in a constant mess. I know that I would have more bills because we would be at my house most of the time but that doesn't bother me. I think it would relieve alot of tension and stress. He isn't to keen on the idea but said he would do it it in lieu of a divorce. I am afraid this might cause resenetment on his part but is that any worse than what I am feeling? Please give you thoughts or results if you have tried this.
THanks
CSong I'm sorry, but I think this is silly
It's running away from a problem that you have in your marriage.
What if you had the kids and your DH decided he didn't want to deal with you while your kids was there, so he was just going to go get an apartment or a hotel for those times?
I think a lot of people would be like Oh Hell No!!!
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Stick, thanks for the post.
Stick, thanks for the post. It does seem silly, but it may actually work for some people. I would have never thought of it, but I read it and didn't think it sounded too bad. We are on a waiting list for counseling but unfortunately I don't know if we will make it that long. I do put myself in my husband's shoes as much as I can, the problem is that he doesn't put himself in my shoes. He isn't a bad guy, just a guilty parent.
Does it work?
I definitely think its worth a try. Anyone here who says it will or will not work does not know. All they can do is comment on their particular situation.
I do know that if things are that amicable then the children will be far better off with the parents co-operating than fighting. They will also feel better knowing their parents are still married and taking a team approach to caring for them.
*********************
There's an exception to everything I say.
Orange
How can you take a team approach if the other person isn't even there? How do you co-parent when one person cannot take the situation so badly, they will actually PAY and take money out of the household just to get away from it?
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Csong I think it's extreme....
Having two homes is crazy. What I used to do was...Every time it was our weekend I would make plans with my friends. I'd go out Friday night to a girlfriends house. Saturday I'd spend the day at the salon and the spa and Sunday I would go run errands. He eventually caught on that I was leaving intentionally and that he was forced to fend for himself. When I'd come home if the house was a mess I'd walk right back out and say "this better be cleaned up when I get back."
One time he took SD to Toys R Us. When I walked into her room there were toys EVERYWHERE. So...I emptied out her toy box on the floor and made an even bigger mess. When he came back I was on the couch reading a book with a glass of wine. When he saw the mess in his daughters room he started yelling at her to pick up the mess. He looked at me because he was shocked I hadn't said a word and I just kept on reading my book.
He enjoys a clean house so when his kids tear stuff up he flies off the handle w/o any coaching from me. I think instead of you getting another home you should just spend the weekends at a B&B or get a hobby that would require you to get out of the house. Let him deal with his rugrats. Believe me, eventually they pick up on the fact that it ain't all it's cracked up to be when they have to do it on their own.
NotSo
I agree with everything you wrote above, if that's what worked for you
EXCEPT
You emptying out the toy box, and letting DH think it was SD's fault.
If SD is bad, fine. But trying to purposely get a child in trouble is crossing the line in my own opinion.
In my own humble opinion, that makes you no better than the child. Why would you do that?
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
NotSo Part 2
I'm sorry if that sounded harsh, but it just reminded me of an old saying I used to get when I was a kid... and that was...
Since when do 2 wrongs make a right?
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
I know it was wrong...
But Stick I wanted to scream when I saw the mess! So instead of throwing everything away (which is what I would normally do) I decided to make a little more work for SD so she can see how it feels to have to pick up somebody else's mess.
Believe me, I understand the Frustration NotSo
I just think stuff like that hurts your relationship with SD. Did you get the point across to her about her mess? Probably. She was probably grumbling how unfair it all was that she had to pick up your mess!!
But did she also know that you did something on purpose to get her into trouble... probably yes to that as well.
And then how do you build on that?
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Honestly I'm not sure....
I only remember her saying "Daddy I didn't take all that out". And him just saying "well pick it up anyway."
I think he knew deep down it was me, but he didn't say anything.
I'm sure he knew why I would do something like that and yes....I did feel like an evil witch for about 15 seconds. We never discussed it again. And yes, SD picks up after herself now.
She's still a bit messy but then again so is my BS.
I have a decent relationship with SD. She genuinely likes me and I like her MOST of the time too. Every now and again she gets under my skin, that I can't really help...
Thank You Guys For The Responses
Ok, so heres the kicker. My ss9 is with ME FULL TIME. I don't have the luxury of EOW. My DH has sole custody. BM doesn't see ss9 or give a damn and DH sticks me with ss9 so he can work more (which I think is an excuse to get away from the house). I am raising a child that isn't mine, doesn't respect me and doesn't get disciplined because if I do it, Im "picking on him". I saw this and just wanted to know if anyone has really tried it out. If I did this, I think it would only be temporary to get DH in the routine of taking care of his son more. I do appreciate all comments on this.
Hey CSong
I think that separate residences is one step closer to separation.
Is there any other ways at all to get DH to step up? For example, I think someone else suggested on this, or another post, to just schedule activities for yourself that day?
I would even, if it were me, I would start SLOW. Like, the next time coming up, on a Saturday, just tell DH you have a chance to go out and do something with the girls. And maybe just take off for yourself for 6-8 hours. Is that even a possibility for you?
Then DH has to deal.
Also... what did DH do before he met you? When he had his son, who took care of him then?
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Yeah, Agreed
Separations usually result in divorce.
Each of you deserve your "me" time though. There are a lot of good suggestions how to achieve that.
There are times I wish, really really wish, that DH would go spend some bonding/outing time with SS so I can have the house to myself. Sometimes a person just wants to remember that their home is a place of beauty, peacefulness and a happy place to nestle down with a book. The rest of 'em can just get themselves away for outings sometimes too.
Thanks
DH doesn't want to try to work things out after 3 months of marriage. We were together for 3 1/2 years. Thanks everyone.