Dating a new guy with a buncha kids and 50% custody
At least the guy I dated before him had 2 that were close to college age. But he hasn't resurfaced and he had issues detaching from his ex.
This new guy appears to have completely cut the chord with his ex and has 50% custody of 4 kids. He seems like a very involved father but I don't know how good he is at parenting. It's too soon to tell. I don't know what I'm getting myself into.
But he acts crazy about me and is doing everything right and is fun, funny, generous and super cute. I worry that he is moving too fast because he doesn't have much dating experience after 19 years of marriage. I am pumping the brakes but he wears his heart on his sleeve and seems to have rose colored glasses on. Hopefully he'll follow my lead and calm down a little. Otherwise, he may become resentful that I'm not as quick to be demonstrative over someone that I barely know.
I am wondering if it's possible to have a good relationship with a man if he's a good parent, the mother's not crazy and the kids are respectful. Or am I kidding myself? It's intoxicating that he's enthusiastic and wants to see me and know more about me. I want to keep my wits about me.
I have a good relationship
I have a good relationship with my DH. BM is sane, kids are respectful, he's an OK parent, and MIL lives many states away. All good things. Plus he only has 2 kids - I think 4 would be a dealbreaker for me. As long as you have your wits about you and your eyes wide open, you should enjoy getting to know him.
Good to see that it can work out
I am trying not to get excited. 4 kids is quite a lot. But if I take this slow and just date to have fun for now, I'll get a feel for whether or not I think this is a situation I want to be in. I've come to realize that it's not black and white and that there are good dads out there.
I’m sure it does happen. Even
I’m sure it does happen. Even 4 “good” kids will be trying at some point though. Plus raising kids takes time and money which if things get serious with you, you will have to accept. I’m glad you’re wise to the potential for problems and are trying to take things slowly so you can fully asses the situation.
Once bitten twice shy
He's a lot of fun and sweet. I'm still dating others, however and he knows this. I think he was a little shocked that I said that but he has very little dating experience in about 20 years.
He was shocked
He was shocked that you were seeing other people. What would have made him think you were exclusive? Did he just assume?
I'm sure it's possible, but
I'm sure it's possible, but continue to tread slowly and carefully. When I met my DH, he told me that he had a co-operative, friendly relationship with NPD BM. I suppose it might have been true before I came along, because she had him on a very short leash and he just totally did her bidding. As soon as he told her we were dating she became the nightmare psycho bitch from hell.
Preaching to the choir
I hear you sister. I am already listening carefully about his ex. I also know that as soon as the guy finds a new woman he really likes, his ex will suddenly want him back and try to make his life hell with his kids. This can happen with sane women. I am expecting this to happen with her if it gets serious. If he flynches, I'm out. I'm still feeling him out to see how likely he is to take her back if she came back. Did your dh know that she was npd? I won't be a 3rd wheel in a relationship with someone who still jumps when his ex says how high. But then again I think he has 50% custody so there's not a lot she can do.
No, my DH did not know his
No, my DH did not know his exW was NPD. I deduced this after a fairly short time - she just ticked all the boxes. DH continued to jump to her instruction for a few years after we were together but gradually came to see that this was not helping the situation and slowly learned to get some better boundaries.
He's doing too much and going
He's doing too much and going too fast - HUGE red flag. He's desperate to hook you. Now why would that be? Could it be he wants someone to unload his 50% kids onto?
Your gut is telling you something isn't right and you're listening to it. Keep on doing that. Be wary. IF something/somone seems too good to be true it usually is.
Yes, this - someone being
Yes, this - someone being crazy about you the minute they meet you is flattering, but a very large red flag.
Normally I would agree with you
When it's too good to be true it almost always is. But I believe he is inexperienced at dating and he is very competitive so he's shutting out the competition. He's not trying to rush the physical or overdo it with flattery. He just goes out of his way to do sweet things and texts me a little more than he probably should this early. He maybe desperate to hook me but I don't think it's necessarily to unload his kids. He pushed to get 50% because he said he was as good of a parent as she is. I think he's lonely and wants a gf. My intuition tells me he's a good, decent guy. But just in case I'm wrong, I'm still keeping my eyes peeled and my ears open. I gotta be judicious while I still look young and have options. ;)
How long as he been divorced?
How long as he been divorced? Four kids, 50% custody, moving too fast - nope.
About 4-5 months
I'm curious to see what everyone else considers moving too fast. For me, I thought that buying me flowers and margarita ingredients on the second date and texting me every day was too fast. But then again, the last guy I really liked only texted me like 2ce a week for 3 months so I'm not sure that the complete change of pace is out of the norm.
That guy only asked to see me once a week. It ended because he was in no position to meet my needs and I saw some red flags where he was still doing his wife's bidding.
New guy wants to see me more often and texts me daily. But he's still not the guy who texted me 40-50 times a day. That guy totally killed any possible chemistry and was overbearing.
So what is normal? It's definitely not 40-50 texts a day. But I don't think it's 2ce a week either.
Also, I experienced lovebombing from two narcs in my life. There is an element of bs to it where the person acts like they love everything you love and everything about you. He doesn't do that. He has his preferences and he's interested in things about me but isn't "lit up" like I've seen before.
Flowers on second date
Flowers on second date is totally normal. Margarita ingredients would depend on what you are doing but would also be appropriate. Texting once a day is reasonable so long as he doesn't freak if you do not text back right away or even not until the next day. Dating is to get to know each other before deciding to become excusive. He is going to have to take it easy and see if you mesh.
4 kids. Enough said. Slow
4 kids. Enough said. Slow this train down.
Personally, I would get off
Personally, I would get off the train but.....
How old are these kids? My
How old are these kids? My boyfriend has 6 minors and there is no way I would accept 50 percent custody. When he had 40 percent custody of the younger 2 for 8 months I hated every second of it. I already told him if he had to have them full time due to their mother's death he would be hiring a full time nanny. I personally don't think it's worth it. Plus, the fact that he's moving fast. He's probably trying to create a false sense of intimacy and family so that you'll be comfortable and fall for him.
15, 12, 10
I would be less skittish if some were close to college but I wasn't so lucky.
Are your bf's kids well behaved? 6 just sounds like an animal farm. But then again, 3 can be if they aren't well behaved. I may very well just be blinded by the fact that he's super sweet and good looking. I am not sure I could go the distance with 4 kids that young at 50%. But I'm not getting serious with him today so I'll have fun for now.
They are well behaved for him
They are well behaved for him, but they're still kids and once you go past two kids it starts getting very loud real quick. Hahaha I too was blinded by sweetness and good looks. Just tread carefully, have fun and take it slow. Don't sleep over or move in while they're with him :).
It's too early for sleepovers or meeting his kids
Plus, I have a big house so I'm not moving in with anyone. :D
Yes, they are on their best behavior early because they know they have something that many women would not want to get involved in even if they had kids. I.e. too many kids, or with my ex a high conflict personality disordered ex. I'm not the naive caretaker I was 7 years ago, thankfully. I will say that, as sad as I was to not have found the right guy when I was young enough to safely have kids, it is proving to be an asset now in terms of dating. It seems to add instant attraction points.
You need to continue to date others
I'm not sure what your kid baggage (if any) is.
Also, in the beginning, everyone puts their best face forward, and FYI, what appears attractive in the beginning, (seeming to be crazy about his kids) will come to irritate you later. IT seems endearing after all when they appear to love their kids and put them first, but just remember, if there are 4 in front of you, eventually you will be minimally (provided he's not still enmeshed with BM or any other woman who is mother to one of hte 4 kids, if they don't share the same BM) 5th on his priority list.
If he 'wears his heart on his sleeve" then you know people with this issue always fall hard and fast. He seems desperate to land someone to share finances and responsibilities of raising his 4 kids with.
Please keep your options open and date others. It would be best to find a man who has little to no baggage. Baggage is disproportionately congruent with future happiness.
Thanks for your perspective
5th is not the number I'm looking for. lol. However, there is the rare person that realizes that their partner comes first because the partner will be around when they grow old. Most everyone else has subscribed to the child first model. It is possible to meet children's needs and not make them the princes/princesses of the castle. I'm not holding my breath to meet a man that thinks independently.
Whereas my ex definitely was looking to use me (and did,) I don't know that all guys are looking for that. Perhaps I give too much benefit of the doubt.
I did recently date a guy with no kids and ex wife long gone that I dated a long time ago. He was in a hurry to make up for screwing it up 8 years ago. He wants to get married again. But he had other issues. He lacked warmth, was selfish and had an avoidant personality. It's really hard to find a guy with little baggage that has the tools to be in a healthy relationship. They tend to be extremely selfish. I truly feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Guys that have never been married are the worst. They are entitled and if they are reasonable looking and reasonably successful, they act like women should be chasing them. It's challenging.
I am glad that I no longer look at relationships from an emotional angle. I.e. that love is enough to make me happy. Looking at what someone has to offer in the full light of day is practical and can prevent unnecessary drama and being used again in the future.
there is the rare person that
Well then take this guy off the list. He couldn't make it with his first partner that he has 4 kids with. What make you think you can beat that? I can guarantee that you're not going to come "first" with 4 minors in the house. Good luck with that.
19 years of marriage, 4 kids,
19 years of marriage, 4 kids, and now he's ready to move on with a new woman. You may want to consider a few things:
Of course he's crazy about you, most other women have run the other way when they found out about his baggage. He spent 19 years in a relationship and it must not have been that bad if he's ready to rush into a relationship again. If you are wise you'll ask questions, even if indirectly to find out the answers
Is he looking for someone new to start a new family with?
Did he get tired of his wife and need greener pastures?
Was he in a loveless/sexless marriage? (Biggest lie men tell to lure new women to their bed)
Be wary, keep your eyes open, and don't fall for the con. The guy really should be focusing on rebuilding HIS life and raising his kids rather than chasing new women.