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Daaadddeee... will you get in the pool with meeee?

katielee's picture

I wish I had a dime for every time I heard that this weekend. Will you get in the pool with me? Just me and you so we can look at the stars like we used to? Obviously pouting when he waited for me before he got in the pool... I knew this pool thing was going to be an issue. At least she didn't cling to him like she did last year. I think he's done a pretty good job of putting a stop to that.

ta5's picture

oh crap my sd is 11 and we just got a pool .........................;(

I remember last summer when we went swimming she used to want him to pull her all over the pool and ride on his back. He was always wanting to hang on me and told her to back off.

I hope we wont have a problem.

RedWingsFan's picture

Yep, stepdevil14 was like that all the way up till last summer. And then it's her riding all over daddddeeeeee's back, "play with me", "watch me jump in", "don't get out dadddeeeeee"...

You'd think she was 4, not 14.

Anon2009's picture

I think he is doing the best he can. He waited for you to get in the pool and has done a decent job of stopping the clingy behavior. If they want to look at the stars together, I think she's still young enough to do that, but I'd be a bit creeped out if she's still doing that in 5 years, when she's old enough to have a BF to do that with.

Research suggests that it takes 7 years for a stepfamily family to blend. Reading some stories here suggests that many never do. Neither you, DH, nor SD will adjust overnight (hence her pouting). But it does sound like he's trying, in his own way, to make sure that everyone in your situation is getting their feelings, wants and needs acknowledged.

Has your DH done any reading on how to help kids adjust to stepparents and having them? Has he told her she doesn't have to love or like you but must treat you with respect as an adult?

RedWingsFan's picture

^^^That was our issue. BM would undo it all the minute SD went back to her. Now she's got her so convinced that her dad and I are these evil people and her mom is just a saint - she no longer comes around.

She still remains immature and clingy to her mother, but her mother LIKES that behavior. Doesn't want her precious baby to grow up and move out.

luchay's picture

OMG - I thought I was the only one dealing with that!!

SS9 talks like a 4yo, I think he needs speech therapy, he is so hard to understand sometimes, but I bought it up to OH once and he hadn't noticed any problem with ss's speech!

He really lisps and can't pronounce words, and BM babies him so much.

I have had to learn to step back and not comment - but Oh my I feel for the kid - he needs help! And neither parent can even see there is a problem.

I was surprised that the school haven't mentioned it, the state I used to live in has very active speech pathology for children - they test every kindergarten child and get assistance at school, that doesn't happen here, so if the parents aren't on to it nothing happens.

RedWingsFan's picture

^^This is exactly my DD15 and SD14 - 6 mos apart in age, but LIGHT YEARS in maturity. My daughter far surpasses SD in all facets of life and SD is insanely jealous of her.

Not only is my daughter tall, thin, blonde and pretty (SD is short, has greasy mousy brown hair with NO style and is quite overweight) but she's also very intelligent (AP classes in her freshman year) while SD failed a year so she's still in middle school and DD has a beautiful singing voice (SD said she wanted to be the next big pop star but can't hold a tune in a bucket).

I'm so over SD and her "oh poor wounded me" coming from a broken home attitude. DD15 is also from a broken home and has moved around so much she can't remember HOW many schools she had to be the new girl at, and she NEVER complains or acts entitled about being from a broken home.

I wish we could post pics here. I could show you all the physical differences in them both too. You'd look at Sd and think she was 10, DD appears 18...

katielee's picture

I agree there's no problem with them looking at the stars together. It's the exclusivity thing that's irritating me...everything is about her and Daddeeee... she would just as soon not have me around. Last week, DH and I worked like crazy to get the pool clean and ready for the summer. I hadn't even been in it yet. I think it would have been a bad time for them to exclude me this weekend.

luchay's picture

My ss does that all the time, he spent a whole meal doing it when we first moved in together, there were 6 of us at the table, my 3 dd's, myself, OH and ss. He just talked the entire meal - prefacing EVERY comment with "Dad, remember" "Dad, blah blah blah" - if anyone else tried to speak he just talked over them even louder "Dad, what about the time blah"

Drove me insane and I asked OH to correct his manners (after the meal in private)

OH said he saw nothing wrong with what ss was doing and he wasn't going to "stifle his personality!"

So, the next meal we all sat down together and my dd's and I did the same thing. Did not allow him and the skids to speak, talked exclusively and only to each other about topics they could not join in on. Talked OVER them. Prefaced each comment to each other so that they KNEW they were not being included.

He got the message Dirol

luchay's picture

Well lets face it they can be a bit blind about their precious ones, somtimes you have to show them rather than talk about it.

At the beginning he also had a habit of just taking them from bm and not coming home or telling me where they were if he was pissed at me. If i asked him to keep me informed i was trying to "control" him.

So i just took off with my girls a few times - we'd go out for dinner or to a movie and i wouldn't tell him or answer my phone.

He got that message too. Dirol }:)

katielee's picture

I agree my DH is really trying hard and doing a good job. I think he's noticed all the little slights and exclusions she's throwing toward me. He called her down on it a couple of times this weekend.

katielee's picture

Well, to be quite honest with you, I don't care. I have three children of my own plus 2 grandchildren and 2 dogs that I get fulfillment from. I don't have to be included in her version of life. I DO have to be included in my husband's, so if he is going along with it, THAT bothers me. But her trying to exclude me? Doesn't bother me in the least.

katielee's picture

I think a lot of us don't have a problem with our DH being close to his kids. It's more of a problem of being unwanted and pushed out of the picture over and over again. Then you become really sensitive to ANY slight by them, maybe even over the top sometimes, but it's for a REASON. A SK can SEEM like a mini-ex sometimes, since many times I think they are their birth parent's ambassador. I'm glad you don't seem to have this problem, but please don't judge those of us who do.

Disneyfan's picture

Why stay with someone who is fine with pushing you to the side and pretending you don't exist?

ta5's picture

so what are you saying? Do you not know that all sd act like this?

You cant put up with it, its your husband. You also cant walk away.

Be there, dont let a child take away your spouse, be there in her face

she will understand the power will leave and she will have to share.

ITS UP TO DAD TO STOP IT AND HE WILL. DONT BACK DOWN

ta5's picture

No I disagree.. its not an innocent child caught in an adult mess.

Its a brat allowed to be wild because she has no rules, no boundaries and no manners.

Treating her step mother disrespectfully should not be allowed, dissing pushing her out of the way and fearing that the wife wants to be with the husband should not be happening! Its her new life, she still has her biomom but now another person is in her life and should be given respect of her place. Its not appropriate for an 11 yr old pubescent child to be alone at night in the pool with her dad and for the mom to not be allowed to come. Emotional incest and on the verge of sexual incest. TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO intimate. sorry its sick

katielee's picture

It's not my husband who wants to push me out of the picture. It's sd11. Now that hubby is aware of it, he is pretty good about not allowing it.

sam44's picture

My SD is constantly trying to push me out. But luckily her dad notices it. He insists on sitting by me if we watch a movie but when we are out for a walk he still walks with both of his kids hanging off each hand while I walk alone behind. Sure, I could hold my kids' hands but mine don't feel the need to be hanging off me like leeches. A ten year old girl doesn't need to hold Daddy's hand all the time it's not like she's going to run into the street. SS, on the other hand, is 6 and WOULD run into the street so DH's excuse is that he can't hold his son's hand without holding his daughter's because she gets so jealous. I also get every single contribution to dinner time conversation prefaced with "daddy...." Until recently I flipped my lid and told SD that she was eating in my house at my table with my children and when she does that she should see that we are human beings with feelings. I think that pointing out to her that we (stepmothers) actually get hurt by such stuff made her see the light on that front but she is by nature a very jealous girl and her dad says she has always been that way and even drove a wedge between him and BM. Sometimes when he and I are laughing or just talking, I look across and she is staring at us like she wants us both dead. Luckily, DH has noticed it too, so I don't get the "she's just a kid" or (worse) "how can you be jealous of my daughter" line too often.

ta5's picture

we were walking into the store and I held his hand she came in the middle and said hey and grabbed his hand, I went over to the other side .. she tried to claim she wanted to hold both our hands, but I knew what she was doing! Untolerated its my husband.

oncechoosetosmile's picture

mini wife alert!!Put your nicest bikini on and enjoy your pool , and ignore the princess.

ta5's picture

yes remember what societies boundaries are even if he cant seem to.
You have sex with him, he is attracted to you, he has drive for you and can
only be intimate with you! She has no power