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the cure

steppinout's picture

Submitted by steppinout on Wed, 12/04/2013 - 4:35pm

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The answer to most of our problems and issues is to stop giving them rapt attention. Stop. Do something fun cool and exciting. When dh/ss/SD/bm says/does something you don't like...ignore it. That is the cure. When you give it your rapt attention "but HOW WHY COULD HE SHE DO SAY BE THAT" you encourage the behavior. Skids get the satisfaction of pushing your buttons and Dh does not hear or see what they are doing. He only hears you whining and bitching so to him you are the problem.

Be sweet. Be happy. Be encouraging. If someone is not treating you kindly and with respect be nowhere on the planet to be found. No anger no tears. Just gone.

It works for me. And it is the only thing that works.

And exercise.

luchay's picture

Submitted by luchay on Wed, 12/04/2013 - 5:15pm

Lovecats is my favourite song of all time.

My oldest dd (now 24) when she was little heard it a lot - she used to think the lyrics were

"you're so one flea one flea one flea one flea pretty"

LMAO

I also used to love "Friday I'm in Love" and "Boys Don't Cry" but not so much these days LOL (Friday was one of OH and I's songs when we first got together)

OP - I absolutely agree with you. A counsellor I was seeing said pretty much the same thing to me a while back - to STOP making "the problem" the only thing in our lives and focus on all the rest and let "the problem" slide back into a more realistic place - it exists and is PART of our RS, but not to allow it to consume all the rest of it. To put the focus back onto the good things, and let "the problem" have limited air time.

(harder to do, but makes sense!)

steppinout's picture

Submitted by steppinout on Wed, 12/04/2013 - 5:50pm

I said most of our problems, not all of them. I'm talking about the post that are "venting" about mini wives or disrespectful skids, dumb things dh said etc.

I used to analyze everything skids bm or dh did it said that was rude hurtful disrespectful. Why they did it, why they shouldn't have said it. I cried. I whined. I yelled. Nothing ever changed.

You can choose to be happy and stop keeping score.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Thu, 12/05/2013 - 2:11am

I agree that a big part of the cure is to be happy. Happiness is the best revenge and the best offensive weapon when dealing with a toxic blended family opposition.

However, destroying the opposition is a better way to cure the problem and if you do it well and with relish it can be a big part of being happy. }:) When you can destroy the blended family opposition, have fun and be happy while you do it ....

That is the true cure. IMHO of course.

As for The Cure. Great band.

Disillusioned's picture

Submitted by Disillusioned on Thu, 12/05/2013 - 8:18am

While I agree we shouldn't be spending any of our mental energy on analyzing, getting ticked off, etc.. at the nasty, infantile things our skids and inlaws do, I also do not feel disrespect should ever be ignored. Not by our DH's and not by us

I'm glad my DH and are at the point in our life where he knows if his sister or daughter crosses the line with me that I will say something to them. He will support me.

This may not prevent them from continuing to do this, it is who they are. But it does send a message to them that we are not afraid of them or taking their crap, that I have my DH's support Dirol more importantly it also sends this same much needed message to me Smile

After that, yes, I let it go. Once it's dealt with and they know they can't push me around nor will I bow down and kiss their asses then it's pointless to let their crap take up my mental space and energy

We're not always perfect at it...as you all know from my recent posts Biggrin but we get better and better with time

Disengagement is a wonderful thing. But it does not mean passively taking abuse either