Could this be the reason SS12 is lying to please DH??
Ok in my last post I asked why SS12 lies about certain things to DH. Lies about NOT seeing his therapist when SS really is and lies about spitting out his ADHD meds at BM's when he is really not. So people answered SS is lying about these things because SS knows it will make DH happy to hear this which is true. So the question is WHY does SS feel the need to lie to please DH? Is SS Insecure about his relationship with DH?
The reason I say this is something happened a few years ago that may make SS Insecure. I don't know so I thought I'd throw this out to see what other people think. DH had a big fight with his sister in front of SS. Ever since then DH has NOT spoken to his sister. DH sister goes over to BM's house to visit SS BUT SS knows DH hates her and cut her out of his life. Could this make SS Insecure and clingy with DH? SS has never said anything about it but could he be thinking if DH gets pissed at him DH would cut SS out of his life like DH did with his sister???
DH does NOT say anything to SS that he knows SS is lying about the therapist/meds. DH thinks it's just a stage SS is going through and just best to Ignore the lying and it will go away eventually. Thoughts? Do you think DH should Ignore it or dig deeper to see if there's any underlying issue?
Whether we all want to admit
Whether we all want to admit it or not, divorce is hard on kids, and yes, they worry about losing their parents. In fact, many kids DO end up losing contact with their fathers after a divorce. And maybe it worries him that DH has cut off his sister, and cut off the therapist - he could be worried that if DH gets mad at him, he won't speak to him again.
Also, I have to say - I am in the child mental health field, and seeing a kid for therapy for FIVE YEARS is insane. Poor kid probably thinks he'll need therapy forever. BM is not doing him any favors. If he's not better after 5 years, it's time for a new therapist, or just a break from therapy altogether. It's not meant to be a lifetime thing.
I absolutely agree that this
I absolutely agree that this kid is acting out in ways that cater to daddy's own issues. 5 years of ineffective therapy should drive a major change how this kid is supported and parented.
It is sad that this boy thinks that the lies are necessary to keep dad around.. Which is my estimation of the root cause.
Very sad.
Yep.. I really have a feeling
Yep.. I really have a feeling that his dad has conditioned him that telling the lies "daddy wants to hear" is the path of least resistance and has the lowest risk to his relationship with his dad.
I have a feeling that a guy that cuts off his sister for years has shown his son in other ways that his affection is conditional on behaving the way daddy wants.
and.. no kid wants to dissapoint their parents.. really.. underneath it all.. that was what my parents could say to make us feel the worst.
I don't think lying just goes away
I think that kids have to be taught that lying is not acceptable, whether it's about something stupid or something significant.
Yes, kiddo could be afraid that Dad will cut him off, but that's all the more reason for Dad to confront the lying issue and show kiddo that you can work through and resolve conflict.
Oh, and I agree about the inifite therapy issue, but I also know that HCBMs *love* therapy and courts tend to oblige them.
I don't think it's related to
I don't think it's related to the fight with his sister so much as feelings of abandonment from the divorce of his parents. Children of divorce have very insecure relationships with their parents especially the non-custodial ones. the same way that parents act guilty around the kids the kids are quite insecure. Parents don't want to discipline and someksome are terrified of being bad or disappointment because then they think they will be abandoned again.
My sd12 is quite guilty of saying these things to try to please her dad. I still remember the one time that he asked her what her favorite subject in school was and she said recess. He reacted pretty negatively to her saying that and then she quickly corrected that her favorite subject was actually math. Predictably my husband was absolutely thrilled that his daughter likes math even though it was clear it was a lie. depending on who asks SD will tell you what she wants to be when she grows up is exactly whatever you are. She tells me she wants to be a scientist. She tells her aunt she wants to be a teacher. She tells her other aunt she must be a veterinarian. She tells my husband she wants to join the military (this is the most laughable one!). If you hear her talking to kids her own age she will tell them that when she grows up she wants to be famous and sell makeup. She will pretend like she wants to do all these legitimate careers but her real hero is Kylie Jenner.
IMO, SK lie for so many
IMO, SK lie for so many different reasons. Here are just some of my personal experiences.
- SD10 lies to BM about what happens at our house to start drama between her mom and dad
- She lied to her BM claiming I told her "I'm prettier than you" to start drama between us. BM said I was "emotionally abusing her"
- She lies to DH to gain sympathy (her half brother on her mom's side) is so mean to her. She claimed he locked her in a closet.
- Lies to DH to get out of trouble (made up a FICTIONAL friend named "Jessica" who hurt her feelings at school... turned out SD was actually in trouble for talking back to the teacher) This was when she was 8.
I personally feel a lot of kids that have HC divorce, KNOW that their parents don't communicate and don't get along, therefore FREQUENTLY playing both sides for attention. Why else would a kid want to "stir the pot" so to speak? She has ups and downs with all of her relationships (parents, family members, friends, teachers, etc.) CoD often have a very hard time making and maintaining these friendships because they never see a healthy one.
Hmmmm I’m not sure the divorce
Just Itselfs could cause SS to be Insecure. BM and DH have been separated/divorced since SS was 18 months old so SS does not know anything else besides living in a split household.
SS12 also is a total spoiled brat and lazy. There are many things SS does or does not do that upsets DH. So one would think if SS was afraid of DH rejecting him SS would be on his best behavior all the time.
I would caution against
I would caution against ascribing that much mental and intellectual ability to a 12yo. He has to be getting something out of his chosen behaviors though I doubt he could put it into cogent thought. Part of growing up is testing boundaries, manipulating parents for a desired outcome, etc... A 12yo COD raised by divorced parents in conflict for the entire duration of his memory has to have any number of whacky bullshit ideas driving and amplifying the usual goofy crap that even "normal" 12yos pull.
My SS was raised in a stable loving marriage between two independent, motivated high performing adults who committed to making a life together and supporting each other's goals. He had limited visitation with the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool. Limited visitation drove some goofy crap from our son when he would return home from SpermLand visitation. We never lived nearer than ~1200 miles from SpermLand and visitation was always long distance. (5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring). I can only imagine the toxic idiocy we would have had to deal with if he had been on an EOWE or EOW type visitation with the slimy shallow end of his gene pool.
Focus on the behaviors and applying adequate age appropriate escalating consequences to end those behaviors. Not only with your SS... but also with your DH.
Good luck.